I have a friend who is very insecure about his appearance. It is something along the lines of muscle dysmorphia...but it's not just about being big enough. He thinks he is not as good looking as others, or that he is not "my type", that kind of stuff.

I have been trying to read about how best to support him and it's REALLY, REALLY important to me that I figure out how...because he is always there to support all my own emotional crap.

I read this:

Case study: 'family support'

Barbara was a 21 year old student who lived with her mother. She was pre-occupied with what she considered to be her excessively frizzy hair. She spent many hours each day washing and styling her hair, often getting up early in the morning only to return to the bathroom just before going to work and start all over again. She would continually seek reassurance from her mother, sometimes asking her many times a day whether her hair looked straight and not too curly. Her long-suffering mother would at first patiently console her daughter and try to reassure her that her hair was fine, but in the end, she would become so frustrated and overwhelmed with Barbara’s relentless demands and questioning that any discussion of the topic would end in arguments between the two.


and this is exactly what happens w/ us. I try to reassure him that he's fine and such...and it never gets through, and I end up getting frustrated and giving up and it usually ends up in an arguement because I hurt him by becoming angry and giving up when he needs me to be patient and understanding. Those are not my best qualities by any means :(

Has anyone experienced this? I really need some suggestions on how to keep my cool and NOT become frustrated and give up. :( Communication is not something that comes easily to me...so my first instinct is to run away and give up. I don't want to do that here :confused:

Struggling,

Is his obsession with this issue one that has gone on for a long period of time? Do you see anything that would point to OCD, or do you think it's just a serious lack of self-esteem? Brainstorming here but comin' up empty.

I'm naturally inclined to react as you have. After trying to encourage someone to no end only to be continually asked the same thing over and over....I too tend to get frustrated and give up. I almost look at it as though people are being manipulative and begging for compliments and want to say...."geez...get over yourself.." Clearly, not always a good thing to do, and especially when you really care for someone.

I suppose you've already taken the obvious route of saying, "look, I told you how I felt, and I am frustrated that you do not seem to be hearing me. What is it that you would like me to do so that we can move beyond this?"

Struggling,
Could your friend be suffering from depression?
L.

I am not concerned so much w/ his condition...I mean I am in the sense I want to help improve his self esteem...but he is aware of it, and it's not always a problem, and no...just like any condition, depression, ADD, etc...you can't just say snap out of it. It's irrational thinking...and he knows it is....I am more looking for help for myself in how to help him...perhaps I should be asking this on an ED board....I dunno, was just looking for tips on keeping my cool I guess.

gotcha. i see where your coming from now. the only things that have worked for me have included taking "time outs" to make sure i respond with the same patience the 100th time as i did the first time which is not easy for me, disappearing into musical fantasyland on my piano, sitting on the front porch listening to the windchimes, and lots of cigarettes.....terrible habit, i know. oh, and sometimes i just drive....straight to the ocean....it's hard for me to respond in frustration if i take the time to do one of the above, or all of them depending! sorry i don't have anything better to offer, but i definitely can relate to your frustration.

Big Sigh . . . Wow can I relate to this problem. Struggling, my daughter was like the girl in your story as a girl. She is now twenty-two and has bleached her medium brown hair curly hair white (greyish really :eek: ) blonde. She call it platinum. I call it nasty -- but not to her face! I learned a long time ago that merely mentioning the word hair would give us trouble. This is just not a conversation that we can really have even though her hair is falling out at the roots and makes her look like a bedraggled doll that has been in a tug-a-war between two beagles. I just don't go there.

On the other friend my perfectly normal friend, Pat, a woman of 65 had dyed her hair bright red. Very bright red. I spoke up. I told her: "See that woman over there? Your hair is brighter than hers." Pat was shocked. She had no idea how she looked. But she now knew she didn't want to look like that.

It sounds to me like your friend may be in real trouble where his health is concerned. It also sounds to me that maybe he is using you to gain perspective on how he looks because he has -- in reality -- lost all perspective. I suggest you explore with him the possibilty of not discussing his problem until he has consulted a therapist. Offer to go with him if he needs you to.

You sound like a really great friend.

Regards,
Coral

All in all, I think the only thing you can do is to not make fun of him or his appearance.
If this is the same guy you've mentioned before, he sounds like a real gem to me, and I'd bet that just plain old love and acceptance on your part will do wonders for him, but it may take quite some time.
I used to be terribly self-concious of my appearance; I had acne pretty bad when I was a teen and my face is still slightly pockmarked.

But you know what? I just couldn't care less now. I really mean that. I changed inside; the outside is the same, and probably worse since I'm many years older than I was then. Oh yeah, I'm getting a tinge of grey on the edges, but I couldn't care less about that, either. :p

It sounds to me like your friend may be in real trouble where his health is concerned. It also sounds to me that maybe he is using you to gain perspective on how he looks because he has -- in reality -- lost all perspective. I suggest you explore with him the possibilty of not discussing his problem until he has consulted a therapist. Offer to go with him if he needs you to.

You sound like a really great friend.

Regards,
Coral

Thanks for your suggestions coral....this isn't the problems though...I'm not really making myself clear I guess...which is frustrating me :eek:

All in all, I think the only thing you can do is to not make fun of him or his appearance.
If this is the same guy you've mentioned before, he sounds like a real gem to me, and I'd bet that just plain old love and acceptance on your part will do wonders for him, but it may take quite some time.
I used to be terribly self-concious of my appearance; I had acne pretty bad when I was a teen and my face is still slightly pockmarked.

But you know what? I just couldn't care less now. I really mean that. I changed inside; the outside is the same, and probably worse since I'm many years older than I was then. Oh yeah, I'm getting a tinge of grey on the edges, but I couldn't care less about that, either. :p

I know...love and acceptance is key...and that isn't the issue...obviously I love him and accept him the way he is. And he believes that 95% of the time....but sometimes something will set him off and no matter what I say, it doesn't get through and nothing makes him feel better...and I end up getting frustrated and give up....which then turns the issue into me giving up on him :( I need to figure out how to not get frustrated and give up...which is really hard for an ADDer to do!!! :o

I think Free's advice was right on. You can be blunt about it. "Look, I know you're having a tough time of it right now but I need to take a break because you're not believing me when I tell you what you really look like. Let's discuss it some more later." Breathe. Honestly his issue is too big for one person to fix (and I think you know this.) When my husband was depressed and needed counseling he needed my constant reassurance and it was getting to me. I tried very hard and then finally told him he was asking me to cure a cancer and I'm not a doctor. He needed to see someone who was qualified to help. I reassured him I still was here for him, that I have always tried to build him up and would continue to do so but I couldn't "fix" anything. Sometimes my replies were as simple as "You know how I feel." Staying quiet helps sometimes. Write a quick note on a post-it, stick it to his forehead and walk away or start something else (take out a game he likes, challenge him to x-box or something, but move on so YOU can regroup). Keep telling yourself you're doing what you can, take a break when you need to giving yourself permission to not be able to cure his "cancer". It's frustrating when someone you're trying to help doesn't appear to be receiving it.

It sounds like a great thing you want to do for your friend. :D I had a friend in high school whose self esteem was so low about everything, she was constantly apologizing for anything she did. By the time she went to college, she was a much more confident person, and I think that was in part due to my support.

It is frustrating at times. I'm sure when I've been depressed, it's been just as frustrating for others around me, too. The only thing I did with my friend was to constantly reinforce that she didn't have to walk on eggshells and that I wasn't going to be critical of her all the time.

I don't know your friend, but if you think his problem is severe enough to warrant getting professional help, you might want to encourage that. Offer to go with him to appointments (or, at least the first one, if it's not practical to go on a regular basis), and be there for him in the waiting room when he's finished. I'm sure you've shared a lot about your particular struggles with him, so just frame it as you doing the same for him as he's done for you.

That's about all I have to suggest right now. I hope I've answered your question and gotten your meaning. Hang in there.

thanks everybody...none of this matters anymore...we're done :(

thanks everybody...none of this matters anymore...we're done :(
:( OUCHHHhhh.... take good care of yourself struggling!!

Sounds like BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder).