I posted something similar to this the other day and did not get any response so I'm going to try again.

I want to know what made you take the first step towards getting a diagnosis for ADD?

I think my husband has ADD and I have tried to talk with him about it several times in the last few days. His first repsonse was "I'm fine" as a tear fell down his cheek. Then he said, "You think I have some kind of disorder!?!" Yesterday he said, "And what if we do find out that's the case [him having ADD], then everything will be all my fault." To which I replied, "Its no one's fault. I just want to work on fixing the problems we are having and we have to get to the root of whatever it may be."
My husband has always been told that he is stupid, lazy etc. I have never beleived any of that. I just don't know what to do or say to convince him that this will be the beginning of things getting better rather than trying to point a finger. I want him to know that I love and support him. (I've told him until I'm blue in the face...he's still not adjusting too well to the idea of ADD.) His mom is on board with me pursueing the idea of testing.
To sum it all up...what made any of you finally realize that something was different and you should pursue a diagnosis?????? I am specifically interested in the answers from the men, because in my own experinece and according to my father, men have trouble admitting when someone tells them than ANYTHING may be "wrong" with them. But ladies, please post also.
Please help. I am getting frustrated and I want my husband to have inner peace and confidence in himself.
Thank you!!!

Heh, for me..I entered a phyciatric hospital and did not even really know I was being tested for ADHD and PTSD cause before that, I never even heard of it.

There are online test...Has he taken those? If not, he can take for ADHD not to diagnose officially, but to give him an idea if he is and how severe or mild it could be..then he should take that results to a doctor and look into it more for an exact dx. I hope this helps some :)...Hugs

I agree with what Draga said, do some online tests with him to show him that it is in fact real. Find some info online that shows that ADD in adults is not that uncommon and such. Find a great doctor or psych. and go get tested, then that person can explain to him as well that your probs are not just bc of him. Tell him what is the harm in trying to figure out what is wrong? U only want to make things better for the two of u. And finally tell him not to look at it as a disorder!

Maybe have him come on this website with u and see what others are saying about their experiences with ADD.

I got help because I got desperate enough to recognize, despite my own embarrassment, guilt, and shame that SOMETHING wasn't right. I didn't feel comfortable anywhere. I coudn't stop my mind from going a million miles an hour to even carry on a conversation with someone wherein I was fully present. I was depressed about it. I had a bit of intelligence and I felt that given the potential and opportunity God had given me, I was failing miserably and had no excuse for it. I had wanted to change the world but couldn't solve my own damn problem. It wasn't so much work related for me as it was life-related. Why wasn't I like this? Why was I like this? Failure, guilt, failure, guilt....It's an absolutely abominable way to exist.

I looked at my children when their Dad and I split. I knew that I had to get my *** in gear because they deserved a mother who wasn't too proud for her own good. They deserved a mother who was willing to risk looking like an idiot if it meant that they would have the gift of a childhood in which their mother worried about them and not the other way around. I looked at them and realized how many times I had listened without hearing. I sent them to my parents for 3 days and read every single book on ADHD that was in any store within a 20 mile radius. I could not KNOW that something was wrong and continue to live with myself if I failed to give my children what they needed most and so very much deserved.....the best me they could get.

The first time I broached the topic with my mother...it went like this.....

"Oh HONEY, you've ALWAYS been this way. I thought of ADHD, but don't you remember when I took you to the Psychologist when you were 8 years old? He told me your problem was that you were too smart for your own good and were manipulating the tests he tried to give (touchy subject, manipulation equaled my being instructed to draw what I loved the most. I drew my piano and overflowing bookshelf, of course...HE DIDN'T SAY WHO!!! I suffered YEARS of guilt knowing how I'd hurt my mother's feelings because this yahoo didn't have a decent command of the English language!!!). My mother looked at me for what seemed like an eternity. Finally she said, "You always loved your father but your father is intelligent. I didn't think you needed me. You got more from your books and your piano." Then she cried. I swear to you the thought actually occured to me, an utterly non-violent person, to hunt down that child screwologist from 25 years before and beat the living daylights out of him.

It comes down to desperation. That's the bottom line. When your husband gets to the place where he can no longer tolerate life despite the gazillion coping mechaniams he's all but certainly put in place, THATS when he'll get help.

I've been amazingly fortunate. My ADHD is no longer a handicap for me, and more importantly, the kids. But until I got over my own idiotic self I was heading for disaster. Simply, I was dying over and over every day on the inside, and I am positive that my children knew it. I can hardly bare to write the words even now when we have a happy, wonderful life. I know all too well how easily it could have gone in the other direction.

I hope your husband seeks help sooner rather than later. This is not something that has to own him for the rest of his life. And the old cliche is true, or at least it was in my case.....the first step is the hardest.

For me I needed to know what was wrong with me before I self destructed. I was being diagnosed for depression which I believe was caused by my A.D.D. Tell him to come on the board and read the posts. Maybe that will give him some comfort in knowing that he is not alone in how he feels. Then maybe he will seek help.

God bless

Dear Daisies11 husband-

Think about this:

If you have yourself evaluated, you can think of it as a "tune up" for your brain...something like a 100,000 mile check up!

Maybe they'll suggest some tweaking to help you "run" better.

Maybe they'll just check under the hood, fake you out by moving some wires around, and then charge you an arm and a leg for nothing.

That is all you might stand to lose, if you decide to talk to a doctor.

Just money!

Most of us came to the diagnosis of ADD kicking and screaming...or having been kicked and screamed at...

Many of us just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. You might have to get to that point, too.

For a lot of people, ADD or not, we just can't ask for help without thinking less of ourselves.

How you run your life, and what you do about it, is always up to you.

If it isn't going as well as you'd like, please know there is an entire community of people who have been where you are...and hope things work out for you.

Dais-

Maybe you want to encourage him to read through the site, and see if he relates to anything here.

He has to decide what he needs.

Good luck to you!

I agree with 100% that men can have real difficulty in acknowledging that there may be some things in their lives that they can't, through sheer force of will, overcome. My husband had a similar problem (depression). It took a long time and a lot of talking. I think it's great that your mother-in-law is on your side. I enlisted the aid of mine, too, in my efforts.

However, I have to say that my husband actually had to hit his own "bottom" before he got help. That's the tough part. You can't do any more than love him and offer him encouragement. I too, think, that if he could read about other men going through similar problems he might be more accepting that it isn't a comment on his "manlihood"...it's just ADD.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Kim

My wife was very instrumental in getting me to seek help for something I wanted to continue to "tough it out". The only problem was that I had been toughing it out for thirty years and that did'nt work so well. I had just uprooted my family and moved them 1,300 miles away on a whim, crumpled under the pressure of grad school and than promply decided to move back, but there was one problem we had sold our house. At that point my wife told me to seek some sort of medical help not only for myself but for the sake of our family. Things are much more calm and happy now, there is no cure, but there is understanding. Capt Kylos

I'm not suggesting you take this course but the thing that finally motivated me to seek help was my wife telling me she had had enough and that our marriage was failing. It worked with me but may have disasterous effects on others. As far as our problems being my fault or not, I don't really care. Assigning blame to either person is a friutless excercise that will not solve the problem.

Most men, myself included, like to solve problems. I'm viewing my condition as a puzzle that needs to be solved. I'm going to my second session with a psychologist this week and hope to have some sort of diagnosis soon. Previously, I've only gone to doctors once every two years, or so, for injuries or serious infections (strep, etc.). I never thought I would be visiting a mental health professional but I think it is a necessary step in saving my marriage and dealing with my inability to finish projects, find my way around, remember things I need to do *when* I need to do them, etc.

Our relationship has improved a bit just from my seeking help and trying to understand this problem. My wife is starting to realize that many of my negative traits are not willfull; instead, they are part of some deeper underlying problem that is, as of now, out of my control

I hope you guys can work this out.

Hey mustFocus, you sound so much like myself, its uncanny, i'm all that and feel so ****ty all the time because my wife has got more energy in her little finger than i have in all of me. I got no H in ADD

Thank you sooooo much for all of the advice and information. You all have a lot of knowledge on the subject and I am thankful that you were willing to share it with me. I am working little by little with my husband and I will let you know how it goes! Again, thank you for the advice.

Daydreamer...

My "H" is missing, too.

I got no H in ADD
But I still had to smile when I read your remark above, because it reminded me of the old song:

"I get no kick from champagne..."

so I'm humming...

"I got no H in ADD..."

;)

The first time I found out about ADD was on a South Park Episode, didn't think much of it, since I grew up in a way where if you don't pay attention, you get hit or beaten up.

Later on as life got worse, someone told me why don't I go about seeing a doctor about ADD, I am a person who is against seeing a shrink as I don't believe in it or even therpy, but when I found out what is in the meds they prescribe, that caught my interest, cause being a drug user and experimenting with drugs, I knew this can work for me.

So far been medicated for about 4 months. I don't think about illegal drugs. I smoke weed, but that's not a drug, adderall is more potent than weed, so I take it like a cigarette.

T-Bass

Thank you all for the information and what worked and didn't work for you. I am still just trying to take it all in. Thank you!

From my experiences...this is how I was FINALLY diagnosed...I had always felt different in life but just asscociated that with I was really conservative in life and always put down for not talking, no friends, just being the mousey little girl that had an alcholic father and a very very strict mother, and I was always accused of being lazy, stupid, and a day dreamer. I was a day dreamer..day dreaming about how life could be better when I was old enough to leave all this chaos I called homelife. Well you know what I enlisted in the Army at 17 and excelled with that for 3 years. But life got worse again after I returned back to my home state and was expecting my lst child......I have been in 3 crumbling marriages, and eventually divorces and lots of other broken heart dreams... and Now after gaining successful employment at a job I loved..what was still wrong with my life?? Nothing had changed...:( still chaos..still pain, still hurt.....The eye opening for me was being reprimanded with 2 other coworkers Because us 3 could not get along. I honestly believed that I was not the job problem..and that the older(supervisor did not make my life easy at all and I was convinced that these 2 ladies would have me unemployed if they had there way. They literally had made my life a living hell..working in a school lunchroom/kitchen should not be trying work...anyway one of these ladies made a comment somehting to the effect " we can look right at you and you "act" like you are hearing us but you just don't seem to comprhend or hear; or really don't give a da..n That upset me dearly because as a single Mom my job is very very important to me...and within a day or so my youngest son had an appt to see his therapist.. i mentioned to her all my troubles and how frustrating it was..and Is it possible that I am ADHD? She started to list symptoms and my 16 yr old is literally shaking his head up and down Yes to almost every single item. It was a reality check... I am ADHD and life has NEVER been better since that November 2004 day that i finally got relief .....:) I am what I am today because of that darn diagnosis.. I can actually say I love myself and am an ok person...Thank God these women raised so much H...l in my life that I finally hit rock bottom and got help. I had kinda suspected it because both of my sons were diagnosed late in life for the ADD:( and it is hereditary so i should of suspected that sooner.... help for something I had no clue about..but defianately know now. I believe Daisy..sometimes you have to see the lightbulb come on yourself before it really sinks in..i know that is no help to you..sorry but I wish you all the luck in the world...hang in there ..support him..we all need it.

The worst part of all this..I had been treated unsuccessfully for over 10 years by this same medical office for dysthmia -depression and not any of the 5 different therapists or professionals I had been seen by had diagnosed ADHD..even though they knew that I had 2 sons dxed in thats ame time frame.. needless to say they were not excited for me to question their diagnosis..but guess what I fought back and I was right..stand up for yourselves..nobody else will...good Luck!

I really want to thank everyone for sharing their stories once again. It has been very imformative. Although we are still working through a family crisis, I hold out hope that my husband will be responsive to an evaluation. He has said already that "maybe there is something I need to get checked out." Also, we will be attending couples counseling soon. But, the crisis we are handling is consuming most of his thoughts. Do those of you who have ADD find that your signs are exaggerated when there is an emergnecy or a stressful situation to deal with? (By that I mean, does everything else get pushed aside mentally to deal with the one at hand?) Thanks again! Its been great here getting feedback and support!

I was worried about my daughter and went online to do some research. Saw the tests and flunked. I then got a copy of "living with distraction" by Hollaway. After reading the book I knew I had ADD. Went to my Dr. he reccommended me to a psycologist. The psychologist confirmed what I already knew and my Dr. prescribed Strattera. Things are much better now.

Buy the book and ask him to read it.

48 yr. male

Do those of you who have ADD find that your signs are exaggerated when there is an emergnecy or a stressful situation to deal with?


My personal experience and observation: stress, family crisis, and emergencies can make the most non-ADD people distracted, unable to focus, disorganized. Therefore the answer to the above question would be yes especially family crisis can and will make ADD symptoms worse.

I don't know if this is "legal" or will even work but I have seen people post links on replys before. Webmd has a section on ADHD that may provide information. I will try to hyperlink but if it don't work you can still get there through webmd.com

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/89/100405.htm (my.webmd.com/content/article/89/100405.htm)

Long term crisis eat away at my concentration and focus.

But emergencies are easy to handle for me. I just to into robot/logic mode and do what has to be done.

Long term crisis eat away at my concentration and focus.

But emergencies are easy to handle for me. I just to into robot/logic mode and do what has to be done.This is how I operate, too. If there is need for immediate action, my brain kicks into focus mode and I can deal with almost anything. If there's nothing to do, though, I'll just spend way too much mental energy running through scenarios and worrying about outcomes.

Daisies, if your husband is willing, have him read Hallowell's new book, Delivered from Distraction. Dr. Hallowell does a great job of presenting positive aspects of adult ADD. He also provides great ideas for recognising and battling the negatives. Best of all, the chapters are very short. ;)

This is how I operate, too. If there is need for immediate action, my brain kicks into focus mode and I can deal with almost anything. If there's nothing to do, though, I'll just spend way too much mental energy running through scenarios and worrying about outcomes.


I am the same way too, i am very calm and do what i have to do under very stressfull incident, and i seem to be able to organize, rationalize in a few seconds...
But without the adreline kicking in, hell i could not save myself from drowing in my own bath:p

My personal experience and observation: stress, family crisis, and emergencies can make the most non-ADD people distracted, unable to focus, disorganized..

CAN make most non-ADD people distracted, unable to focus.... I wasn't implying all non-ADD people. Now there are non-ADDers who are good with (one or more of the fallowing) stresses family crisis, and emergencies.
ADDers are often good in emergencies especially if they can take action, like emergency medicine. I THINK it was one of DR. Hallowell's book that listed the ten professions he found the highest persentage of ADDers who were sucessful based on HIS observations in HIS practice. Emergency medicine was second only to enterperneur. I can see that and have worked with excellent doctors and nurses in emergencey medicine who had a lot of ADD/ADHD traits. If I were bleeding to death I would WANT to be a distraction to the people in a position to STOP the bleeding. The higher the stimuli the more focused emergency staff. Ability to focus is equal to height of stumli; an ADD trait that is desirible in emergency response personel.
It has also been stated byDr. Hallowell that ADD/ADHD people are capable of doing any thing in which they are interested.



Therefore the answer to the above question would be yes especially family crisis can and will make ADD symptoms worse.

With that said not all people who have ADD/ADHD are good in emergencies. I happen to live with a man who doesn't do well in emergencies. He bounces off the walls most of the time but in emergencies (especially medical) he's WORSE.

......especially family crisis is some thing that often (not always) makes ADD symptoms worse. I believe the above respondance said it best.I like many of them hate, bad situations in which I am unable to take action. Family crisis like long term illness, childrens school problems, $$$$ problems,relationship problems, any problem in which there is no quik fix vexes me to no end!!!!!

I KNOW I respond better to my house burning down than I do to budget adjustments. I was more effecient when my mom had a seizure and had to be rushed to ER than the on set of puberity in my off spring!!!!

Does that explain what I ment any better???

Daisie and Hubby,

Here's my Dx story:

I finally went to get the diagnosis because I was struggling in graduate school to the point where I almost wanted to kill myself because I was drowning in a cyclone of projects, papers, financial strains, physical exhaustion, relationship strains, stress, etc. I'd suspected that I had ADHD during my junior year of college after taking several psychology classes that all talked about ADHD and it's characteristics. I had numerous instances throughout childhood and adulthood that pointed me to ADHD, but because my life was stable at that time, I thought, "Well, it doesn't affect my functioning in life at this time so by definition it's really not a disorder for me." So, I did nothing because I'd assumed I'd conquered this disorder.

Then, I went on to pursue my Master's. Boy, did I hit my wall. One semester, after consistently crying daily for two months straight, having fallen in a deep depression of hopelessness and worthlessness, ending up in the ER with various psychosomatic pathologies and abnormally high blood pressure from all the freakin' stress, I decided that I should get some counseling before I had a stroke. I was then diagnosed and given counseling to learn about some strategies that helped me organize and stabilize my life.

I learned the usefulness of a laptop and using Microsoft Outlook Calendar to plan my overwhelmingly busy schedule. I learned the importance of understanding and accepting that I have weaknesses, but I can find ways to compensate for them. I learned that dwelling and obsessing about my weakness is what leads me to the downward spiral of depression. I'm trying my best, that's all I can do. It took some time for me to realize that I CAN acheive great things, that I AM smart, that I HAVE ability, it's just that my ADHD sometimes masks those skills and I have to keep working hard using my strengths to make those skills visible. Somehow I made it through, and I will be completing my degree in a couple of months. I also found these wonderful forums where I could release by frustrations and talk about my struggles with people who understand and will listen, instead of my so-called dumb friends who only roll their eyes while saying "not again" and don't even believe ADHD exist. *******s!

Despite my conquerings, I still have regressions now and then, and I know that I will never be seamless in any way. Depression is always sneaking around trying to pull me in, but I'm trying my hardest to stay afloat where I am.

Daisie, you are an amazing woman for staying by your man's side and providing enormous support. Hubby, feel lucky to have her. I know many spouses and friends who have abandoned their loved ones in their greatest time of need because they could no longer cope with the strains. Just repeat after me: IT'S OKAY TO HAVE WEAKNESSES. The only people who have to know are you, your wife, (and perhaps family members) and your counselor. Unfortunately, not many people understand ADHD so I found it best to keep a tight lid on it as far as everyone else you know. With their help and support, you can make it through this difficult time. I know it! :)

Best wishes, guys! Please let us know how things turn out....

its so hard to isolate my leap to 'knowing' i have adhd, my process to getting there...
i had dropped out of school, i was severely deppressed after having spent a few episodes of clinical deppression
i thought, i'm intelligent, i have good friends, i was cute enough, my boyfriend is great
what's wrong with me??
i was getting into arguments with everyone
i was too absolutely sensitive
i felt/feel like that there isn't a skin on me just a naked open body walking this earth and it was unbearably painful
and continues to be sometimes
i couldnt do normal things like : fold my laundry
but i could read an interesting tome sun up and sun down blending together
i didn't feel like anyone 'got' me
ppl would ask when we were at work together in predawn or shortly afterwards...
geez have you already had two pots of coffee?
why do you talk too / so fast?
i spaced out. ha ha...that's such an understatement.
being in my own world- i'm a champion at that
i'm connected to whatever book i'm reading like an iv..
but the real world? too seething.
i was desperate as i see that so many of us are and tend to be
and i was and am searching for so many answers
i read an article and i bought a few books in the mid nineties, i was in my early twenties (i'm on the eve of thirty now) and it was a long slide from oh my i think i have this..disbelief ..into full blown. oh my how my life has been given the proper perspective finally.