I often feel I have some blocked out trauma, a disowned part of myself from early childhood or before.
for instance I was as a child very carefull to not be needy, as I felt
I wouldn't be loved then, I remember at around 4 or younger seeing a child crying in the store for something and wondering how the mother could possibly love that child. And that I would never beg for something. One example is when my mother mentioned that we should make a Christmas list. That concept shocked me. Even though I wanted to very much get things I wanted. I remember going in my room to try and do it but I couldn't and wound up frustratedly crying.

I feel I have a haunted heart often, yet I don't know what haunts it.
Anyone else with those kinds of feelings or problems?
Janine

Yes and as I go through my life as an adult, the traumas become more true to life (as is evidenced by my difficulty in holding down a job, having relationships, etc.)....but I think there's also tremendous opportunity for healing from these haunts, missing pieces of ourselves, traumas, etc. The cool thing Janine is you've named them and identified that you have these issues. I think a lot of people in this world walk around in their lives unhappy, scared, lost and with broken hearts, feeling like pieces of them are missing and don't know why -- and don't understand that they could be suffering from as yet unresolved childhood trauma...

I too was taught that it was not okay to be needy...not okay to need things...but that is the message our parents gave us. That child you saw in the store that day -- she appeared needy and yet you determined she was not loveable. She probably was loveable because she had not received messages as you and I had that it was not okay to be needy....

Would you be able to write a Christmas list today?

I can write a christmas list as I love to dream.

I have more fun with a lottery ticket before I check the numbers as I can dream big. Once I check the numbers my dreams all go away until the next one.

Hmmmm, Joan, I think I could, but I can't imagine anyone who 'd ask me to. I still have trouble accepting gifts, I love gifts, and get them a lot, but have guilt issues.
As for the haunted heart, its a feeling of a trauma.
I used to have repeated dreams of my birth, whereas I would play both parts my mother and the child (me). The dreams would be in different stages of early childhood/babyhood, same feelings and ended always with me trying to offer my mother a gift. I held it out in my hands in front of me in a doorway I stood quietly wanting her to take it. she was laying there . I would also experience her feelings, which were indifferent seeming. She often was in the hospital after my birth. One time she got on a bus in a futuristic dream, she had my 2 older brothers and a baby carriage they were being pushed in I walked just keeping up. They got on the bus. The doors closed before I could get on. I quiet and still, held out the gift as the bus left me. our eyes met but it was like she didn't recognize me, or stared thru me.

I have never had sibling rivalry, never recall being jealous of my brothers or way younger sister. The dream has a lot of poss. meanings. I dream vivid. And often precognitive. I am wondering for the first time perhaps I was dissapointed from birth onward as I was often misunderstood. And therefore was not accepted as me, that hurt a lot. That is perhaps the drawback of ADD. If your smart and intuitive your guilty of something because you know and/or understand too much.
janine

Okay Janine, taking a risk here....never did a dream analysis in my life!! but here's what I think....I think your mom had trouble receiving gifts and she passed that difficulty receiving onto you. AND I think the FIRST gift she had trouble receiving was the gift of YOU. I guess she thought you were SO special, she didn't think she deserved you....so you and your gift to her got left behind (you didn't get on the bus with the rest of your siblings)....This is just an interpretation...take as you wish...Maybe this is partly why you were misunderstood...she didn't know how to love you and therefore didn't know how to understand you....:(

Joan thanks, A new angle which opens up even more, cool!

janine: joan has opened up "many angles" for me too. she is very bright indeed. i think what she said to you makes much sense indeed.have a great day and never stop asking questions and exploring:)

Hi Janine,

Your posting caught my heart and I had to write about it. I know I don't know you and your family, I just wrote out of what your posting made me feel and think. I couldn't shake what you wrote and what joan replied during my lunch. I copied the posts and replys and and reread it a couple times and wrote a poem about it, called Haunted Heart and posted it in the poetry section of ADDForums.

I by no means am trying to trivialize what you are feeling, or not feeling. I hope you continue to explore what you you are going through. Sometimes writing helps me really know what I am thinking and feeling. Flannery O'Connor summmed it very well for me and how I work:

“How do I know what I think until I see what I say?” ~Flannery O’Connor

I hope my words help you in you exploration.

Take care,
James Estes

Very Impressive poem

I am taking the inititive to post a link to it so someone who wishes to read it can get there quicker

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1492

I wish I could read something like that and put it into words with feeling to them

Thank you jimmmaaa

Hi Jimmmaaa,
That is a beautifully expressed poem I am touched that you were touched.
Thankyou for sharing it!
I didn't even realize til now there was a specific place for poetry
in this forum. I write a lot of poetry also.
Janine

Hi Janine, You are welcome. Writing can be very therapeutic, keep writing poems or whatever because it sometimes will reveal things you did not know were there.

I am glad you liked the poem I wrote

Yes Janine, there is a poetry thread here. Please please please contribute to it. Us NON poets really enjoy it:)

I sure can related to a haunted heart. But no blocking...it is all there...in my face day to day. Sometimes I wish I could block..but I can't. Sometimes I wish I could forget...but I can't. I read your post with understanding but no answers. I know for sure that you are not alone with your haunted heart...maybe one day mine will no longer be haunted? I hope you find some answers..but I can't tell you that knowing the answers will make your heart any better..but maybe it will allow you to cope and deal with it. One day at a time.

Deb, I completely relate; I feel it's all there everyday too. I never felt capable of stuffing anything. But it also feels like there is one thing I can't put my finger on.
Maybe thats the haunt? Having it all there and not being able to put stuff aside when you need to?

Perhaps as a baby I might have had a traumatic experience that I couldn't begin to digest. I remember the past so well, a lot of baby memories/thoughts. So perhaps my memory being good of my past remembers a snippit only that haunts me, but being unable to deal with it at as a baby, it may be unretrievable. (I'm rambling)
In a dream I had, this phophet came to me and gave me a computer printout with a bunch of information about myself- vital statitics and in one area titled "mental status" after saying I mentally fine it said "all her problems will be solved when she learns how to get a good night sleep". Anyway a good night sleep seems to be my toughest goal at times. So maybe my dream was true?

I hear ya on the not sleeping. Lately I am running on empty in the morning..ugh..I seem to come to life after 10p.m...grrrrrrrr....feeling like a vampire without the bite..lol..:D

I am the same deb. I feel like a vampire. I get very hyper at night, and then I am ready to live and it is sooo hard to go to bed.
j9