This is an extremely difficult subject to write about. I think I have gone through several drafts before coming to this one. I really love my wife, and I find that writing anything negative about her displeases me. But, i have reached a point where I dont know what to do. I guess ill give it my best shot..

The past few weeks have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. Discovering that I have ADD has been an extremely uplifting experience. The renewed hope, the ability to dodge my own roadblocks, the answer to why i have struggled so much in my life... Unfortunately, discovering that my wife is "displeased" with me having ADD, has pretty much destroyed me. She is my life partner, and if she sees no hope....

Here is my situation..

My wife had been complaining about my "sleep habits". I am one of those night owls. Wake at noon (or later), and go to bed anywhere between 2 and 6am... Generally , I am a very productive person. Start working around 8 or 9pm and stopping when im tired and ready to sleep.

Being married for 2 years, my schedule has has taken a toll on my wife. Quite understandably. She is a morning person, I am a night person, where shall the 2 meet? There is a fundamental challenge in our relationship: When do we spend time together?

So, as any loving husband would do, I take a trip to my doctor. This is about 2 weeks ago. I am even prepared to take some sort of sleep aid! Ambien and the like have been suggested by friends. But, to my surprize, my doctor suggests that I might have ADD, and recommends that i read the book "Driven to Distraction".

After reading the book, was quite floored by it. I remember telling my wife "How could someone summarize my whole life w/o even meeting me? Would you please read this and let me know what you think? "

She agreed...

I think she got about 10 or so pages into the book and the first signs of denial were starting to show.

"I think you need to see another doctor! ADD is such a fad, how does he know that you have it w/o giving you a test? I think you just need to fix your sleeping schedule, and you will be fine? "

I replied " please finish the book, then we can talk.. "

While my wife was reading the book, I talked to my family. Mom & Dad were amazed at the discovery, and instantly ran out and bought the book. My mother read it first, and was guilty that she didnt know about this earlier. "you could have grown up better".. I reminded her that i grew up just fine. Dad was amazed at how much he had in common witht he book, and we compared our childhoods... (amazingly similar... ) They have both been extremely supportive during this time. Much more than i could have ever expected.

After reading 3/4 of the book, my wife was still doubtfull of my diagnosis. So, to answer any questions she may have, I scheduled her to come with me during my followup. The doctor took the time to explain to her how he came about his diagnosis. He explained in detail, why he thought treating the ADD was more helpful than treating just the symptom (the sleeping problem). He answered all her questions, concerns, and even offered to answer any other questions over the phone, at any time.

Well, this plan seemed to have backfired. She now is demanding a second opinion. She wants tests done. Bloodwork to make sure its not a thyroid issue. She gets angry whenever i display any type of ADD like behaviour (which is quite often). There is so much more, but i just dont know how to put it on paper.

To sum it up:: It makes me makes me feel as if i am now "broken" to her. And she is looking for any other explanation. As if anything is better than being diagnosed w/ ADD.

I am sure I am leaving out HUGE chunks of information, so excuse me for that. But I really wanted to put my feelers out to see if there were anyone else with this type of situation..

Thanks for listening.

Wow, that's quite a summary and very well written. I am wondering if your wife isn't just scared to bits. What if he changes and isn't the guy I thought I was marrying? What if this means our kids could face these challenges? What will everyone think of him, of me, of us?

and the really big one...What if this means I MIGHT HAVE TO CHANGE TOO?

It sounds like you have a good doctor who is very supportive, but if she would feel better maybe you could get a second opinion. (I have no idea if this is a problem from a financial or insurance perspective).

I would also suggest that maybe she just needs some time to get used to the idea...let her know that information is available (here, books, dr., etc.) for whenever she's ready to learn more about it. In the meantime, just go forward getting your life in order so she can see that it isn't a bad thing.

It sounds great that your parents are right there supporting you. You are not alone and have people you can talk to about what's happening in your life. Someplace to go for ideas and support.

Also read here in the forums about relationships, and in the section Non ADD Partner Support...I'm sure you'll find a lot of interesting information.

So all that said....let me also say welcome to the forums! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

Kim

hiya
it is hard for people who do not have add to understand it

i agree with kim that your wife is probably in shock and she may feel that everything she thought she knew about you is wrong and she may have to get to know you all over again and that is scarey and she may wonder how this sudden change is going to affect the whole fabric of your life together and whether if given the treatment you will still be the same person she fell in love with.

it is alot for anyone to take into account especially when you only went to the doctors for sleeping pills lol. in my opinion (for what it's worth) i feel that you should sit down with your wife and have a talk (i dont mean for this to sound horrible so please dont take it the wrong way) instead of giving her a book and saying 'look hunny this is me' and reassure her that no matter what she is still the most important thing in your life and that will never change no matter what the diagnosis and that you want her to be part of all aspects of this.

also if she has any doubts and needs to talk to anyone try and send her to this forum. she can pm any of us for advice as this forum is not just for those with add, some like myself do not have add but live with it on a daily basis whether with husbands (or in my case ex husband) and children etc so we may be able to give you both the support and advice you need.

good luck to you both

wendy

Gosh, HyperFocus-

I am so sorry that this is the turn things have taken in your journey!

How many of us would be SO GREATFUL to have a partner who tried to take responsibility for their own mental health, and the health of their shared relationship!

Without knowing you, it would only be speculation on our part to suggest why things aren't going very smoothly. Maybe your wife was raised in a family like mine...you know, the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" crowd?

Maybe a second opinion would help bridge the gap in your common understanding, and help confirm what you clearly already believe to be true...

It is such a hard thing to feel like our chosen partner can't/won't support us when we are struggling.

My hope for you is that, with time and education, you can both end up on the same page.

Good luck to you both. We'll be thinking of you...........

Hello to you~
Welcome to the forum. The posts from Kim, Wendy & Stuck are all so good. There is not much left for me to say :)

I agree that having your wife read the book is a great idea, but being able to sit down to "talk" about what you BOTH are feeling is an even better idea. I was so much like you in your thinking of "wow, they are talking about ME" as you were reading the book. Except in my case, I was reading to be able to learn more about my ADHD husband's behaviors.

A book that I read that I feel was so amazing in the way that it talked about everything a married couple goes through, when one of them has ADD........is ADD & Romance by Jonathon Halverstadt.

Please ask your wife if she would be comfortable coming to the forum to read what other non-ADD spouses have gone through. She might find other stories that are very similar to how she is feeling.

Good Luck. Hopefully you are able to find all the information that you are needing.

Thanks to everyone for your support. I appreciate the time and thought put into your responces.

I would like to add some more information, some of which is in responce to your contributions.


I agree that having your wife read the book is a great idea, but being able to sit down to "talk" about what you BOTH are feeling is an even better idea.

My wife ad I have a very special relationship. We are very very very lucky that we can actually talk to each other. Over the years, especially before we were married, we would spend many hours at the coffee shop just talking, and this has carried over into our marriage. What i find to be the most shocking is that with the onset of my diagnosis of ADD, she has really pulled away from talking to me about it. I have tried to sit down and listen to her views on what she is going through, but those moments are just too few and far between. To put it simply, she just doesnt want to talk to me.


What if this means I MIGHT HAVE TO CHANGE TOO?
Kim, after reading this in your post, it really struck a chord with me. A couple of lightbulbs went off, and a flurry of thoughts and ideas errupted. The ones that really shed some light on her behaviour were: "Could she be scared of possibly having ADD too? After reading the book, did she recognize some signs of ADD within herself? "

Generally my wife is supportive of other peoples issures. When it comes to her own well being, she hates to find out that there "MIGHT" be something wrong, and thus never goes to the doctor. Even the mention of her having the slightest medical problem, triggers her to crawl inside her shell.

Recently, she was complaining about a slight pain in her breast. So, in responce, i asked if she fealt for lumps. In responce, she snapped "Dont you think i know my own body!" Over the next few weeks, my concern grew. Plant a seed in my head like that, and watch it grow... Naturally i would querry her from time to time, and every time it would errupt in either an argument, or her stampeeding out of the room. Fortunately, after a trip to the doc, she discovered the pain was from a manufacturing flaw in a new set of her favorite everyday bras.


Without knowing you, it would only be speculation on our part to suggest why things aren't going very smoothly. Maybe your wife was raised in a family like mine...you know, the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" crowd?
Stuck, there is definitely some truth in what you say. Her family is definitely the "workaholic" type. They all work 6 days a week, 10 hours a day. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother-In-Law, and one Nephew at the family business. Nobody gets any sick time, vacations, etc.. Just work work work work, and get stuff done. Its kinda sad, my wife's father had some sort of heart operation, and the next day was back at the shop.
ugh..


also if she has any doubts and needs to talk to anyone try and send her to this forum. she can pm any of us for advice as this forum is not just for those with add, some like myself do not have add but live with it on a daily basis whether with husbands (or in my case ex husband) and children etc so we may be able to give you both the support and advice you need.
Wendy, after reading your post, I made it a point to look around the forums focusing on the number of non-add'ers participating. To my surprize there are quite a few! I feel that my wife would definitely benifit from the contributions on this site (and others). But more importantly, she might feel more comfortable with the issue, simply by knowing that there are other people in her same position. There is lots to learn on both sides, and its a heck of a lot easier when you know you arent alone.


I was so much like you in your thinking of "wow, they are talking about ME" as you were reading the book. Except in my case, I was reading to be able to learn more about my ADHD husband's behaviors. minn, i can definitely understand that.. After reading the book, i went back and re-read parts of it b/c there were things that just didnt apply to me, but totally applied to my father. I can remember myself saying "So THATS why he always does what he does!!!" All in all, this experiece has proven to strenghten our relationship. We now better understand each other, and accept that we are more alike than we previously understood. Also, it sometimes provides us w/ some humor. " so dad, where do you want to go to dinner... I dont know, where do you want to go son... [insert topic change] ... now back to dinner, where did you say you wanted to go dad... i dont know where do you want to go.. [topic change]... (repeat)"

[topic change] ;)

One thing that I have been toying around with, is the idea of possibly going to couple's counceling, but focused on the aspects of ADD. I am not sure if it will do more harm than help, especially since my wife is so reluctant towards the topic. it could be just a mater of timing... Has anyone else benifited from couple's counceling (w/ regards to add and their spouce)?

Thanks again to everyone! This has been a huge help...

My thoughts in regards to your question about couples counselling... I think in principle counselling is always a good alternative since sometimes it is simply a matter of being able to talk in a neutral setting with an objective, non-partial listener. We have not had couples counselling per se, but family counselling due to 2 ADD kids. I am of the personal opinion that if I don't know the answers and can't figure it out, then I want to find someone who does!

However, keep in mind that you have only been diagnosed for 2 weeks...do I detect a bit of traditional ADD "enthusiasm"? :D I would take it slow...she may just need more time than you do to process the whole thing! I know (boy, do I know) how hard that is for you. When I "discover" something new I can literally run people over with my need to "share"! :eek:

It truly sounds like you have a healthy relationship...open, honest, caring...and that will come through in the end. Have patience, my friend. Keep working on yourself and "show" her that she doesn't need to be afraid and that she can take the time she needs to adjust to the new situation.

Also, I roared when I read what you wrote about your Dad. I can so relate being ADHD myself and having 2 ADHD kids. We are capable of having multiple conversations all twisted up in each other, too! My poor husband! Of course, those conversations can become so twisted that we literally explode in confusion at the end!

Kim

Sorry to hear your woes, HF.
Happy you now know about your ADD.
WRT your relationship, I think that considerations of boundaries might prove quite useful.
You can take a horse to water ... and all that - but if she doesn't want to understand the problem (however painfully that impacts the intimacy of your relationship), I think it would prove less traumatic to accept it.
Naturally, you want her to understand as much as possible about what makes you the way you are - and to share in the joy and relief of discovering why things have been so difficult in life.
It's natural to regard this new understanding as something that could add to and strengthen your relationship - and in turn, to feel sad that the opportunity will be lost/wasted.
But the sad reality for you, would seem to be that any gains will be one-sided.
It could be that she fears that medication will change you and the future of your relationship.
But if she doesn't want to share her feelings about the 'new you', I think it might be better to ignore the matter and swallow the sadness as a 'cost' worth paying for your relationship.
If necessary, even going as far as to say "ADD isn't really a concern for me" and asking your family to treat it as taboo when she's around.
After all, you have plenty of familial support - aswell as us :)

I know it's not done to reply to your own posts - so my apologies.
But it's understandable to feel that her denial of the problem is also a rejection (or non-acceptance) of YOU (or a part thereof).
But I think that would be misconstruing things, since you KNOW that she accepts you as you are - after all, you haven't changed.
There's also the whole thing of supportiveness - but since she doesn't regard you as either ill or impaired, I think this is a fallacy too.
It's impossible to say how your ADD makes her feel about your relationship and it could ultimately prove extremely damaging to force her down the road to understanding.
Best of luck.
Heidi

It's impossible to say how your ADD makes her feel about your relationship and it could ultimately prove extremely damaging to force her down the road to understanding.
One thing that i might have mislead you to believe is that I "expect" my wife to simply accept that I have ADD. Actually, its about as far from the truth as can be. The only thing i "expect" from my wife is that she love and respect me, as i do with her.

If she decided to be against it, well that is as important to me as the other way around. But I would still find it frustrustrating to deal w/ a problem w/o the benifit of having my life partner stand behind me. Alas, my discovery is still in its infancy; only time knows the true outcome.

Through this discussion, my view on this subject has changed a bit. Now I am starting to see this as an opportunity more than a problem. Its an opportunity b/c i will probably face more than just my wife as an obstacle. But, if i can persevere the trials with my wife, then i am sure to be able to do the same with anyone else. (I dread telling a boss that i have ADD!!! fortunately i work for myself ;) )

The benifit of helping my wife work through her issues of me having ADD yeilds a unique perspective of what others have of me. My wife is loving, honest, and giving, and i am extremely confident that her reactions are honest, true and (to my dismay) blunt. Some other people might have a negative view of ADD, but not express it and simply discriminate based on their ignorance.

Glad to hear it, HF.

Personally, I keep quiet about my ADD - since there appears to be little to be gained from what appears to the world to be 'excusing myself'.
This is partly because I regard ADD as a spectral disorder - with the severely afflicted at one end of the spectrum and hyperfunctional NT's at the other.
So in a sense, you could say that EVERYONE has some degree of ADD, however trivial - it's part of what it is to be human.
Which is not to say that I regard ADD entirely negatively.
There's little doubt in my mind that because of the uphill struggle that is life with ADD - underneath it all, ADDers are often compassionate, kind and sweet people.

HyperFocus,

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I have some thoughts.

Maybe you are expecting too much too fast. Both out of your diagnosis and out of your wife.

You probably need to give it some time and meet somewhere in the middle.

One thing that is more important to the mental health of each of you is not to disturb an otherwise good relationship.

If you're anything like me, if you are having any kind of relationship troubles, you will want to fix it right away. It sounds like you want to be very confrontational with your issues. That is not a bad thing at all.

But you must also understand that many people just are not like that. You need to be supportive of her and talk about this stuff when you are both willingly communicating, not when you are frustrated that you can't seem to communicate.

Let us know how things work out!
And let your wife know that you love her above all else!

HF I can offer no advice that hasn't already been offered except for the couples therapy you mentioned. Couples therapy literally saved my husband's and my marriage without it we would have signed those divorce papers and been done with our lives together.

I'm wish you the best.