View Full Version : I don't trust my emotions


fracturedstory
07-26-13, 08:33 AM
I'm either really positive when hypomanic, extremely confident and in love with myself not to mention bossy when euphoric manic, or I feel like there's no hope left when depressed or that everyone is against me, hating me, a sexual predator or possibly wanting to kill me or just finding me irritating when having a mixed episode.

I have few normal moods so I'm sort of confused about my own true opinions and whether my perception of reality is trustworthy.

For example: one night I went to see this singer I know and I'm always nervous about talking to him. If things don't work out I'll become deeply depressed. But we did finally talk and it was great. But the next night I didn't say anything. I wanted to but it just wouldn't come. Then when he is performing on stage I get the impression that he's finding me annoying because I'm taking photos.

Previous to this I asked him what the lighting was like in the venue in case it was too dark for my camera. So he says it's dark and that I should leave my camera at home. I take this to mean he doesn't want me to take photos of him. So I get it in my head that he really dislikes me taking photos of him and because I'm really socially awkward he doesn't approach me when I see him at a gig and he'll go sit with other people, and I take this to mean he doesn't like me. But when I approach him we're friendly and I just think he is incapable of hating people because he is that nice.
But the feelings don't last. The negative ones take over and I'm caught in this endless loop of 'maybe he really doesn't like me.' I really do want to know what his personal opinion of me is.

Anyway, I know these negative thoughts are false but I don't always believe that.

That's just an example of why I don't trust my emotions. Even when we talked how do I know I wasn't just the euphoric type of manic? I was pretty hypomanic that day.

I'm mixed now and I'm just really confused by these contradicting thoughts. I'm swinging between positive and negative. I basically take what information is given to me and try to rationalize these emotions.

There's another band member who I keep thinking doesn't like me after reading my Facebook rants. He just stares at me now.

Someone told me this could be an autism thing but I dunno...it seems to happen when I'm depressed or manic.

Even lately, I've been just going out night after night to take photos of bands and now that I've stopped for a while I don't know what to do. I know it was mania that made me commit to it because I have just taken on a whole lot and the motivation just hit me all at once. So without doing anything related to going to gigs or working on photos I just don't know who I am anymore.

My friend freaked me out when she was mulling over the meaning of her life. She said something like 'hang out with people and have a good time.' I really don't know what the meaning of my life is. When I think about it...why am I even doing what I'm doing? Partly it's fueled by a stupid crush and secondly because I've missed out on taking photos of certain bands. It's also helped me deal with anxiety. But I have no long term plan. I hardly write anymore. I might read a science book here or there. I have no plans to work. I can't work while I'm like this.

So, sorry for this length but I was just trying to give some examples on how I don't trust my emotions. Even when it comes to political issues. Sometimes I don't care and other times it's the only thing that matters to me.

What do I believe in anymore?

Is this a bipolar thing or is it just some weird thing that I do?

keliza
07-26-13, 09:09 AM
Your mood state is a really powerful "lens" through which you view the world. You've heard the term "seeing the world through rose-colored glasses"? It means to see things in a positive light, sometimes more positive than it actually is, because that's the frame of mind through which you're viewing things.

Whatever your mood state is, it's going to have some impact on how you view situations in your life, and maybe the world at large. That's pretty normal for ALL people, it's just amplified with bipolar disorder because mood states in general are amplified with bipolar disorder. When you're hypomanic or manic, it's going to make everything look and feel a lot better. When you're depressed, everything is going to seem awful. Depression is like wearing beer goggles - nothing looks right, everything is warped and distorted and makes you feel sick to look at.

So if you have those underlying insecurities about whether or not this guy likes you, your mood state is definitely going to influence how you feel about the situation at any given time, on some level. You can do work with a therapist to help change your cognitive schemas so that your mood state has LESS of an impact on how you view things. You don't have to go from "he likes me" to "he can't stand me", that's something you can exert some measure of control over by intentionally changing the way you think about situations during a mood episode.

When I get depressed, I still have moments where I feel like, "I'm awful, nobody likes me, all my friends hate me, I suck." But after having worked with a really good therapist, I can now step back and say, "Okay, right now I FEEL like I suck and everyone hates me, but I can see objectively that I actually don't suck and people really do seem to like being around me. This is just part of being depressed, but it's not true. It wasn't true before I was depressed, and it won't be true when I'm past this depressive episode. I just have to wait it out."

Then I call up my best friend and ask her, "Does everyone hate me? Do I suck?" and she says, "Shut up, stop being stupid, I love you and you don't suck." Then we laugh about it and I feel better. I have changed my internal script about these situations, AND I have someone who acts as an "accountability partner" for my depressive episodes, to help me see reason when I am viewing the world through depression goggles. Those are things I was able to intentionally do to improve my situation. You can do things like that, too, to help you with this.

fracturedstory
07-27-13, 04:31 AM
I always thought hypomania was like wearing beer goggles. I actually haven't worn them before but I'm a happy drunk.

I'm ok now. I actually just remembered I wrote this post and thought 'Oh God, did I really write that last night?' If I do get depressed about it again I'm going to slap myself because it's such a stupid thing to think.

Insecurities, that's interesting. Do I have insecurities about him really liking me? Maybe. I don't really fancy him though. Oh, just a lil bit.

I'm a smart person. I shouldn't have to be dealing with something like this. But hopefully I can train myself into thinking these depressed thoughts are false. I don't need a therapist. None has ever helped me, plus they're expensive. I've got to hit my CBT book again.

keliza
08-02-13, 06:48 PM
Mental illness has nothing to do with intelligence. There are very smart and very stupid people who deal with the negative cognitive issues related to depression. Yes, go back to your CBT books, keep working on it. It's definitely something you can work on and improve, and it will make you feel a whole lot better over time.

eclectic beagle
08-03-13, 10:25 AM
Mental illness has nothing to do with intelligence. There are very smart and very stupid people who deal with the negative cognitive issues related to depression. Yes, go back to your CBT books, keep working on it. It's definitely something you can work on and improve, and it will make you feel a whole lot better over time.

I thought there was still debate whether or not intelligence acts as a "buffer" against mental illness, or even brain damage (because of cognitive reserve). This is probably a simplistic summary of the debate, and I haven't kept up to date with the literature either.

Still, your point is well taken, extremely smart people can suffer from mental illness, which suggests to me that some other causal factor(s) is/are to blame.

janiew
08-03-13, 11:13 AM
Good topic. Timely for me. I have been known to turn my emotions off to accomplish a big challenge. When they're turned back on - oh my, the force of them can be overwhelming. Dealing with it in therapy right now. Defense mechanism kinda like intellectualization.

My ADHD b*llsh*it is an interesting mix of neurology and coping mechanisms.

Sorry no wisdom to shed.

fracturedstory
08-05-13, 09:07 AM
Not sure why you'd say mental illness has nothing to do with intelligence. I know that which is why I often wrestle with conflicting thoughts. It's a battle between my emotional side and my logical thinking.

Well, hopefully things between me and this guy (during one of my depressive episodes) will be ok. We've had such fun together and I really do know he cares. We've had a talk about it. We both had a bad night at that gig so we both didn't feel like talking.

My mood is changing again which is why I came back here. I've been having some really great nights out taking photos. I've met fans. I've just had a blast with my friends too. I hope it's enough to get through this week. I just need to remind myself of the past couple of days and that people really do care.

I actually also publicly declared some suicidal feelings and was met with many messages of support. I just hope I don't get as bad as I usually do with the knowledge that people out there do care.

If I didn't have so much knowledge about psychology and different treatment methods I'd probably be worse. I've been depressed when I had no clue about it or what to do about it, and I was so much worse. Knowledge is a weapon against these moods.

keliza
08-17-13, 11:09 AM
I thought there was still debate whether or not intelligence acts as a "buffer" against mental illness, or even brain damage (because of cognitive reserve). This is probably a simplistic summary of the debate, and I haven't kept up to date with the literature either.

Still, your point is well taken, extremely smart people can suffer from mental illness, which suggests to me that some other causal factor(s) is/are to blame.

You're right, IQ has been shown to "buffer" against some of the cognitive impacts of mental illness.

My point was just that it doesn't matter how smart you are - you can still have a mental disorder, and being intelligent doesn't mean you're "too smart" to get one. It was in response to fractured saying, "I'm a smart person. I shouldn't have to be dealing with something like this." The point is that it doesn't matter how smart we are, if you have the genes, you have the genes. Genetics, unfortunately, doesn't give a rat's tail about how smart you are.

fracturedstory
08-18-13, 05:06 AM
And I already told you I knew this.

What I meant was that I should just forget about all this emotional BS and just stick to my physics books.

My rational mind is kind of winning over, at least for now.