View Full Version : A dark manic


fracturedstory
08-12-13, 12:04 AM
If you probably haven't noticed already I'm in a little b*****d face of a mood. I suppose it's my fault for not seeking treatment or a diagnosis, but f**k if this isn't bipolar then it's some sort of alien possession.

I suppose I just wanted to bring this point up on this side of the forum because it doesn't seem to be talked about much. People judge you and think you are responsible for this mood but there's no real control over it. I have to get as far away from people as possible.

It doesn't help that my sister is an annoying hypomanic telling me I should eat healthier. I'm going to blow up in her face. I just know it.

To make matters worse I also have a hormone imbalance, one that I didn't experience last month. It's just too much sometimes.

Anyway, I have no good thoughts. I try but they all turn dark. I blame everyone. I hate everyone. I hate myself for blaming and hating and arguing with everyone. I think my friends will never be there for me like they weren't when I had the most paranoid panic attack ever. I mean what's the point of them? They're good friends usually. Except for the only person who tried to give me advice. He's an NT b****d. Offended? Good. Basically saying it could have easily been avoided is possibly the worst advice I can think of.

I'm a mess. I made a fool of myself at the last gig because I fancied someone so much that I couldn't even look in their general direction so I took more Ritalin than I usually do just make some damn eye contact.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. But then the good hypomania/mania begins and I'll think I'm doing ok, and I won't seek help. And the cycle continues.

fracturedstory
08-12-13, 10:44 PM
OK. Glad this thread has been ignored.

After I wrote this I wrote this huge blog post about everything I've been thinking about over many weeks. Then I posted it on Facebook and now I'm hiding from people.

It was good therapy though.

Blanched Dubois
08-12-13, 11:05 PM
i think it's reasonable to feel that way when it's a random experience but the same as one in which i am in where i am however being demanded to deal with abuses by all 'authorities' and am not taking it like a good little sleeper who is 'normal' cus i'm not

so i'm scary on the phone when i get interference and ask politely to jot down notes and get a snarky power abusing peon - i have little patience left and i'm not proud of it

i also rant and don't edit it here and let it out cus sometimes that's the craycray worlds insanity i'm letting out and i dont care what people think of me -i care what i think of me and that doesn't ever make you popular lol so i've never cared about that too

i kinda really don't like most people LOL and i do believe there is a spark in most -some are void - i've met a few off those and i think a lot of them are state workers

but lately it's like the world is gearing up for a big event of some type and i just don't want to be around people at all and my kid feels the same - in fact i'd like to bolt out of here in sept - just pod storage and drive

to remove us from the repressive non stop bs that might mean to stop - so i have - and i think not 'doing anything' and admitting feeling whatever you are feeling is ok

the labels just blow all the way around because i still know that 'mental illness' is a human trait if you're really a human

i watched jim carey do the smite me o mighty smiter video on youtube just for fun

it's been hard and i'm ****** off and lucky i'm not armed or motivated by negatives enough to do what i'd love to do

i've only met one bi polar person and she was one of the most brilliant violinists and very articulate and fun - but the mania was shocking - and that must be so torturous in society - the morons ( pardon my arrogance )