View Full Version : So much to deal with...

08-13-13, 04:01 AM
I feel like such a failure at times. Being told, at 43, that I have ADHD was a blessing, in a way. It gave me a reason (note: reason, not excuse) for my behavior and an explanation for, well, ME.

-At 10, I had my first panic attack.

-At 14, I had my first major depressive episode.

-At 23, I was finally told these were anxiety and depression (my doctor was very obnoxious and made fun of me rather than help me out). My doctor didn't have time to deal with the mental and he barely dealt with the physical.

-I spent my high school years failing everything, or coming close. Well, I got 3 A's in those 5 years...2 in sex ed and one in environmental studies. It was much easier to focus when you found the subject matter interesting!

-I rarely slept. I would be up all night, not watching TV or playing, but I just couldn't sleep. I would go to school like a zombie.

-at about 14, I started to obsess over food. I would steal it, hide it, pig out whenever I could. It almost became a source of entertainment for me. I think I needed something and food was the only thing I could fill that void with. I also think it was the ONE thing in my life I controlled.

-Because of my food issues, I now weigh 340 pounds.

-I have bad arthritis in both knees.

-I have PVCs (heart arrhythmia).

-I am very close to being in a wheelchair.

-I'm close to losing or having to quit my job, because I can barely walk.

-I habitually missed a lot of school and a lot of work.

-I avoid commitments whenever I can (I've lost friends over this and many family members give me guilt trips about my avoidance of functions/dinners/etc.)

-I literally have no money. I spend it before I have it. I own nothing of value but my car. Of course, I don't look after my car, so it's not worth much now. I am $2000 behind in rent. I am wearing clothes that barely fit or are falling apart. I haven't been able to buy groceries in 2 months, so I make sure to eat well at work. The silly thing is that I always scrape up enough money for junk.

Ultimately, I think that ADHD is what started all of this. I only wish I had been diagnosed 30+ years ago. In hindsight, I can see how the decline started. The question is, what do I work on first???

08-13-13, 07:16 AM
I have an eating disorder Lurtle. I keep cycling between starving myself and binge eating (& bulimia). I think, for me it's always been a tool to regulate my emotions (unsuccessfully). Starving myself gives me a false feeling of success and achievement. It's stimulating too. Binge eating is my signal that I can stop trying for the day and just give up on everything.

It doesn't help, of course but it's difficult to get out of it. I think, eating disorders are quite common among ADHDers. Hopefully, now that you are receiving treatment, your eating habits will improve as well. It might be worth seeing someone professional just for this though.

08-13-13, 12:36 PM
Thanks for the reply Fuzzy.

I also have bulimia (another thing to add to the list!)

I should note that I'm not being treated. Because of my arrhythmia, the doctor didn't feel that any of the medications available would be safe for me. I am on meds for depression and anxiety, and the arrhythmia.