View Full Version : ADD is affecting my relationship..i think..


ThIs Is Me
02-24-05, 06:42 PM
Hey! I've been going out with the same guy for the past 9 months. Everything was going great, and then I started picking fights with him. He didn't even do anything though, I would just get mad at him for nothing. I realized i've been doing this to some other guys i have previously dated. I go nuts on them for no reason. I'm not mental,i know that, so why am i doing this? And does anyone have advice for me on how to stop?:(

Garry
02-24-05, 08:43 PM
The first thing to do is figure out why you are doing it

We try not to give advice here but to help you discover for yourself the things that you are doing that are causing you problems.

Then we will be able to tell you how we handle things that are similar to your situations

No one but yourself can help you

But you have to want to help yourself

minn306
02-25-05, 12:42 PM
First of all, Welcome to the forum.

I was very much the same way as you. I would get so angry & just got "off" on people. I was not sure why I would do it and some times I would not realize that I was doing it until it was to late.

Do you know if there are certain things that get you angry, that they might have done?

I compliment you on the fact that you are aware of this problem AND that you want to do something about it.

Maybe you can sit down & write down things that come to mind about what really bothers you AND if those things are really that important.Think about WHY those things would get you so upset.


We do want to help you work through this issue. I know that there are different threads throughout the forum that talk about similar issues as yours.


Good Luck with figuring this all out :)

ThIs Is Me
02-25-05, 07:15 PM
Thanks so much for your help!! I think the reason why I've been getting so angry is to see if he cares enough to fight for me. He knows about my ADD and is very supportive.

ADDitives
02-27-05, 08:36 AM
well i cant say i nkow excatly how you feel, but i know that add does put a huge strain on a relationship.

in lost of ways, a couple where you BOTH have add is better and worse. the good thing is you understand each other, but the danger of this is not thinking beyond the add-ness of the other person, and understanding that you DONT completely understand him, and he doestn completely understand me.
the big thing im finding lately, since semester has started up again, and we both go to the same university: he's back on his medication now. (and im not medicated and havent actualy seen a proper dr yet, i do have a referral, but im a little afraid to go, so i wont do it yet,.), (but thats beside the point)..
he takes ritalin (he used to take some form of dex), and he's very withdrawn and serious in the morning (up to around 2pm if he dosnt top himself up), and there's a few issues with this
- he dosnt seem interested him he whatsoever. he will talk, but not listen, he doesnt respond to me touching him in any way (eg touching his arm or poking him),
- he doesnt take my joking natrure very well. im a very random, fluttery, light sort of person (and moreso around him), and im a commentary of both whats going on arodn us (the classic 'hey look, string!') and whats going on inside my head (eg 'im thinking about the mice out of that cartoon now and that song they sing'), and he doent listen to me. there's 2 difficulties with this point
1. he seems annoyed with me, and i think thats also part of the lack of interest
2. i just feel really inferiour and like he thinks he's better than me because he can be focused becaues he's got these pills, and im not focused and serious because he's better than me and im not that good and i dont have the pills that would focus me because i cant see a doctor becausei really do know what to do, and i feel completely inferiour in the "he can control this and i cant" sort of sense - even though i know he's not coping either. (but if i bring up the subject, he steers away or just says nothing at all).

this should probably have its own thread, but its another spin on this thread, and also, nobody really answered my other thread on a related matter to this (this is a different matter to that thread though, thats about him when he's not medicated )

Toby
02-27-05, 09:55 AM
he doesnt take my joking natrure very well. im a very random, fluttery, light sort of person (and moreso around him), and im a commentary of both whats going on arodn us (the classic 'hey look, string!') and whats going on inside my head (eg 'im thinking about the mice out of that cartoon now and that song they sing'), and he doent listen to me.
ADDitives: I think he's just having a hard time adjusting to the meds, combined with taking his self conciousness about his ADD out on you.

Ritalin does have the zombie-like side effect on some people. If it goes on for a long time, maybe you need to broach the idea of him changing meds.

Remember, the problem is with him, not you

herekittykitty
02-27-05, 11:10 AM
Hi Thisiseme,

I have a super short temper (only with inanimate objects--like I have to kick the wall 'back' if I stub my toe) that totally totally disappears when I'm on the right meds.

I do think it's important to look at why you get angry, but also keep in mind that some of this might go away--think of it like a short circuit that doesn't flip when you're medicated.

If you're not medicated/aren't planning on it, please don't take offense! It's just that I had this short temper, and years and years of analysis ('rage at your mom? rage at your dad? etc. etc.) did nothing. Then I started taking anti-depressants/Ritalin and poof! it was gone, just like that.

ThIs Is Me
02-27-05, 12:21 PM
I'm on concerta and lexapro. It does help but sometimes I feel like i'm pushing my boyfriend away.

ThIs Is Me
02-27-05, 12:22 PM
I'm on concerta and lexapro. It does help but sometimes I feel like i'm pushing my boyfriend away

FightingBoredom
02-27-05, 12:31 PM
It sounds to me like you have identified the symptom: Pushing boyfriends away.
The next question to ask yourself is how can I welcome this one in and get past this pattern?

ADDitives
02-28-05, 06:35 AM
i get very angry sometimes and throw complete tantrums, jumping, screaming and yelling stuff, banging my head against stuff - anything to get my mum's attention if a conflict escalates to such a level.

it starts because she misinterprets what ive said or done, and accuses me of things. so i try to defend myself and say, no it was this, not that.

she tells me to shut up, she wont listen to me, then after a while she ignores me as if im not there and im having a one sided conversation with myself asking her, telling her that ignoing me doesnt help.

then she will tell me, its teh same thing over and over and tells me that I"M the one who does this and that its "all your antics" (i.e. mine) - but its more her.

she just doesnt understand
1. my need for completely explicit questions or directions (today she said "whats this?" and i answered "a spoon" - not the answer she really wanted, so she hit me with it, which is what started all this because she told me how dare i, and i was so rude etc)
2. my behaviours or words
3. my need to explain myself if i'm misunderstood

i do not get angry like this with another person - except once in year 12 (2 years ago) when somebody insisted that i had the "only child syndrome" and thats why i kept talking over her and trying to get my point across. in a split second without thoughts, i snapped - i stood up and started yelling at her (dont remember what i said), and it scared the hell out of her.
this was right in the middle of the class - but it was in art, and the teacher was open-minded and understood me so she ignored this.
the truth of the matter was, i kept talking over them because i dont get listened to at home, and because i cant help but keep talking when i'm on a roll.

so the main trigger of my anger is when im not able to explain something that somebody has misunderstood or has labelled me as being or having done.

slackr007
02-28-05, 11:04 PM
ADDitives,
I completely sympathize with you and know exactly where you are coming from. That sort of thing happens to me all the time. It's usually when I haven't had my meds tho. Thanks to the meds, I can mull over something that happened yesterday while I wasn't on my meds and figure out why it happened, how to solve it and can usually approach my parents about it so that they don't get mad and fly off the handle at me again. This helps them to understand that the guy who screams at them and says he hates them isn't really me. ADD seems to have an adverse effect/affect(never have understood the difference for more than 2min's :D lol) on your perception of a situation. If I get in a fight w/ my parents when I'm not on meds I get all ****ed and sulk and blame it on them, but then the next day, when I've had my meds I see the situation in a completely different way and realize that it really was my fault. I can't express how strongly I advise getting meds, but it's ultimately between you and your Dr..

Now, to your initial post about your boyfriend. When you described him, I thought I was reading my biography(except for the fact that I don't have a girlfriend:( and I take adderall:D). I am always like that, but I have found that it isn't really something that I can controll. This is probably why I don't have a girlfriend. I'm constantly thinking and get frustrated easily when someone breaks my concentration, but it's honestly not something I can control. It's like the meds take over and make me like a sloth and I can't see it until I am looking back on the moment and I realise what I did. I will tell you now that if this guy says he likes you, believe that, not his body language because if he is affected by the meds the way I am, it's the meds that are ignoring you/pushing you away, not him. I often look back on situations and realize how bad someting I did out of impulse screwed up a relationship or social situation, and believe me, i really regret it. Just know, it's probably not him, its the meds. Try talking to him when he's not on his medication and ask him questions then, it's a much more accurate portrayal of how he feels. Hope this helps.

Wow, I just previewed this and it is lllllllllooooooonnnnnnngggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

ADDitives
03-01-05, 05:26 AM
thanks slackr007 for your comment and for understanding.

im still "in the process" as i refer to it, of getting 'officially diagnosed'.
there's no doubt in my mind that this is my problem, but the difficulty is, ok.... i got a referral from a GP. so now i have to find time to call this other doctor, see if i possibly have the money and time to be assessed - how much will it cost me all up? probably a lot. i can't really have meds within the next 3 - 4 years while 'm still living at home.
1. mum will probably find them
2. i dont think i could be trusted to take enough, not take too many etc. i'd need to be living with another person who understood and acted as a monitor, or in extreme, as a keeper of the medication (james - boyfriend who also has add - would be the perfect person to do this).

i'm uhh... im feeling more inclined towards meds though, seeing how they can help me. and they will help me sleep too.

i just need to get help :(

addhil
05-24-05, 02:54 PM
Does he have any little annoying habits? I had a relationship with a guy like that when I was 17/18, it lasted for 2 years, yet because I was so inexperienced with relationships I couldn't even see the major "bad habits". I managed to date this guy for 2 years, and he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I am 21 now and I can't imagine how I managed to go so long without realising that the relationship couldn't go anywhere but downhill, even though I remember being very stressed during that time. So please don't think I'm calling you ignorant, but experience is often the only way to learn, especially when it comes to relationships.

Other than that, it might be because you're young and you're worried that maybe this guy is going to hold you down from doing the things and going to places you want to later on.

And bad habits that he might have that might seem like minor annoyances at first get worse and worse the longer you're with a guy. I remember reading something about that, couples end up getting "allergies" to their bf/gf's bad habits (even seemingly harmless stuff like having a loud cough, etc.)

Remember that you're not married, and you're still young. Don't feel like you're under pressure and need to go to marriage counselling or anything. You might just be scared to have to leave your "comfort zone", back into the single world which doesn't seem as familiar as the world you shared with your boyfriend.

veryrandom
05-25-05, 12:07 AM
additives- i kno how you feel, i snap realy easy too, especially when someone tells me ive done something wrong i have to explain that its them thats wrong, of course they just say im making excuses. my science teacher tells me its because im the oldest child that im like that. and i get overly aggressive without realising. people are like woah calm down but once i get hyper i cant calm down, or if im really spacy i cant stop daydreaming.

speedo
05-25-05, 12:11 AM
I recently had something very similar to this happen to me. Her actions resulted in the end of our relationship, and now, neither one of us is happy with the result.

All I can say is please try to get in touch with your feelings.

If you are diagnosed as ADD or bipolar, you might try talking to your friend (and to your doctor). In any case, it is a good idea.

Me


Hey! I've been going out with the same guy for the past 9 months. Everything was going great, and then I started picking fights with him. He didn't even do anything though, I would just get mad at him for nothing. I realized i've been doing this to some other guys i have previously dated. I go nuts on them for no reason. I'm not mental,i know that, so why am i doing this? And does anyone have advice for me on how to stop?:(

Crybaby1898
09-12-05, 01:41 PM
I wonder why i don't get to the post or the thread fast enough. well, girl you sound lilke you have it on under control. talk to yall laters