View Full Version : Is this addiction? My adderall story.


UpsideTown
09-06-13, 08:06 PM
First of all, the adderall that I take is unprescribed by a doctor, bought through a "friend". I receive 10mg IR generic pills, at about 3 dollars a pop, sometimes less. The illegal accessibility of it is mouth watering, because I don't need an entire prescription.

I was given my first pill in the early spring of 2012. By summer, 2012, I was buying about seven pills a week, nearly every week. I was taking one pill a day, on average, at 15mg at the time. The amount of mg was reduced to 10, and I actually felt less "cracked out" taking them on the same regime. I used the pills to focus on work, got a raise, and took summer classes, where I earned my first great grade in a while.

Life became overwhelming in the fall after moving into a very tiny studio with my boyfriend. I had gone on an adderall hiatus that fall for about a month and a half, towards the holidays, partially because I was saving up money to surprise my boyfriend with a plane ticket, but also because I felt I had become too thin, and didn't feel well even while taking 10-15mg daily, usually around 11:30AM. I was emotionally sensitive and often sleepless, though I have always had a problem calming my thoughts and falling asleep since I was a child, adderall at this point seemed to enhance it. Though I could have attributed my high strung moods to dealing with my new living situation while still paying for another apartment I wasn't really using, I made my boyfriend get rid of my last bag of pills.

In the winter, we moved into a larger house but it required extensive work. I was still going to school, and working five days a week. Then, there was a death in the family. During this time I began taking adderall again. Like last time, I was taking 10mg a day before work or classes, which was either at 11:30AM or 12:30PM. I ultimately failed my entire semester due to high tension between long hours painting, fighting with my boyfriend about how I hated the amount of work the place needed, dealing with a death in the family, and trying to work as much as I could in the meantime to try to make my new house a home.

This summer I was greeted by a much larger amount of adderall per purchase, which meant I could have my "month's worth" readily available to me when "necessary". That's about 15 pills a month, at 10mg each. I was able to take three month long summer classes simultaneously, which required extreme focus and a will to do nothing but stay in until mid July. But I had done it, and I was proud to be closer to graduating. Other than that, nothing fruitful came out of my summer other than learning new ways to fight with my boyfriend, and adopting a puppy.

We began to work through our troubles but I felt as though it would be healthiest to do this adderall-free, so I stopped taking them for two weeks, and in that time I learned to control my anger, I began to feel excited about my future, and my mood was more stable... however I was constantly tired sleep became a favorite hobby.

As this new semester begins, I neglected to show up to class. Now, I have a new "month's worth" sitting in my purse and feel like I can use a pill here or there to get through reading my many books and writing great papers, as reading is a feet for me because I am constantly forgetting EVERYTHING and have to write it all down.

My only problem is that on adderall, I tend to take on all the things I would normally, but with more of a direct drive and focus, and I am the type of person to take on too much anyway, so I tend to ware myself thin and it burns me out more quickly. I am good at burning myself out regardless.

Now, my question is, have I formed an addiction? Obviously I am not prescribed this medication, and I never self-diagnosed myself into taking it. I simply took it because it allowed me to streamline my lifestyle into something I prefer, and am less frayed if I use it when I "need" to focus. I say "need" to focus because I am a naturally hard worker but get distracted with thoughts or tasks I must do later on, tomorrow, or next year and adderall allows me to focus on a single task at a time which is lovely. Nonetheless, I DO keep coming back for the mostly regular 10mg a day and I DO hide this from everyone because I am embarrassed that I am relying on something, which I think is addictive behavior. I'm afraid I might be mentally addicted to this drug because it results in a more refined version of me which is hard to part with.

Honestly, I'm very confused. All I know is that I've been taking this illegally and have traded it in precarious places which worries me, as I wouldn't want to land myself in more trouble than it's worth.

Raye
09-06-13, 08:48 PM
I don't think you need me to tell you that taking someone else's adderall is illegal. If you get stopped ( pulled over by the cops) and they find it, you could land in some trouble that you don't need.

Have you been diagnosed with ADHD? I would see a professional and tell them your symptoms.

Is being without the adderall give you any kind of physical withdrawal symptoms? Most of he time, that is a sign of addiction.

Daydreamin22
09-06-13, 09:08 PM
Don't worry. It's not you. This happens very very easily and is a familiar scenario. I know you're driving yourself crazy trying to think what the hell is going on. It's so hard to explain because it hasn't been described that I know of by anyone professional. When you get off of adderall you sleep and sleep. I went through what you did, fought with boyfriend, failed out of school, naively got off adderall and stopped going to class. My brain did not work. I didn't understand the directions the dr gave me. So I was taking adderall xr until I ran out, then Ir after that and just kept switching back and forth. I didn't take it regularly. I took advil pm for sleep, and when I did that my brain felt like it was doing something weird. This was all just a mess. I didn't know what I was dealing with. I was terrified when I got off all of it. I stayed in bed. I could not think. I couldn't write, I couldn't pick up my room, I couldn't do anything. All of my habits were gone. right now I am back to normal and stable. This is 2 years later. It all seems like just an episode... like a month was the worst part. But my whole life fell apart and the only thing left to do was "recover" and start over. My advice to you , honestly , would be to go to a good specialist dr, like a psychologist, and get a prescription. The no sleep thing on adderall is an extreme situation because it's not like no sleep on nothing. It's like weird things start happening and you don't realize it. It's like being drunk with redbull.. they band that... except it's a lot worse because it's adderall. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but you have to take it regularly. If you feel like you're prescribed wrong, like you want it at a certain time during the day and the effect has warn off, just tell your dr and he'll prescribe more or work something out.

But really, don't worry about it. What you're going through is way over your head. If I could do it again. I would get back on adderall... not waste any time.. go back to school in the fall. Instead I took an easy teacher's aide job. I was ok and "recovering" but, then the teacher went so nuts htat I had to get back on something. I went on ritalin, then adderall. Make sure you don't start taking more and more than your dr. has prescribed. You have to go back to your dr and tell him you need more. I just remembered, by the way you're writing, it doesn't seem like you have adhd. So, you might want to just go to a dr.. and get prescribed. You aren't addicted.. you're brain is not telling you need it like it would a cigarette. You are dependent.. which means you rely on it to function (for now.) You will recover but this is a difficult time for you. You should definitely go see a dr. Tell him you're having trouble thinking clearly and getting anything done and you can't focus and have important things coming up. Also, just fyi, fighting and irritation is a side effect of adderall. Its pretty common. So if you were wondering about fighting with your bf it may have stemmed from that. Adderall is really confusing and spirals out of control to good people who do nothing else wrong. So, keep coming back on here, I think you're going to need the support. Take care of yourself, which obviously you are.\

Also, I think since I was in such a high stress situation like you were.. same problems.. same new house thing.. no puppy.. but did have my roommates dogs... I think a lot of it may have been that adderall exasperated your anxiety that was natural from our situation. You couldn't get any rest, you were always go, go, go anyway.. and adderall just flew things out of control. No warning.. it is just something that happens to some people. It's just your situation. It's not you. You'll be fine. The best thing you can do is go see a psychologist and take it as prescribed. Don't let anyone lecture you about not taking it like you were supposed to. It's not fair because you really can't know. It's unlike anything else and the potential mind blowing problems are just way over anyones head who have never taken a drug, control 2 type substance. Yea, it's not good to buy it. That's the route of the problem, that there was no dr. or directions in the picture. Just take my advice and see a dr and keep on going. I blew about three years. I have learned so much. But I'm glad I can finally put all of my problems and struggles to use for something! I really hope that helps. Feel free to pm me with any questions I'm on here a lot.

Daydreamin22
09-07-13, 12:03 AM
Another thing... When I was going through this I kept trying to get back off and on. Now that I have a good dr I'm not worried about a thing. I could even get off of it. I don't feel like I need it. So, what I wanted to say is that Wellbutrin is what everyone said to take to smooth the transition into normal life. Be honest with your dr. Say you're getting off adderall and want to transition and want to try a stimulant/antidepressant. I think that's what it is. But i was here when this waas happening a few years ago and everyone including a guy that knows a TON about this says that's what to do. Just try not to fall apart like I did. Make yourself Get right back into classes. Nothing at all should be holding you back. If it is you'll look back and say that's what got in the way of my goal/plan.