View Full Version : Sorry


Daydreamin22
09-09-13, 12:36 AM
Hi, I am sorry for saying untrue things about Adderall. I thought it was the most insane med ever because it was making me hypomanic and I didn't realize I was Bipolar II until three weeks ago. Then everything clicked. That's all I'm going to say. I'm better now because my dr. balanced things out with bipolar meds. Now I can see the benefits of having meds. I was sooo miserably majorly depressed in high school. I didn't even know what hypomania felt like until I began ADHD treatment. So, I have both. And I love this forum. Please don't hold against me what I thought was the devil. It was all way over my head. xo (this was a long time ago). So, if you don't remember than perfect.

dvdnvwls
09-09-13, 01:07 AM
I never saw the other comments.

It's easy to think that your experience is the universal one. We've all done it, we'll probably all do it again.

Daydreamin22
09-09-13, 01:10 AM
And if I have too go, I love my old friends and my new friends <333

ana futura
09-09-13, 01:41 AM
Oh wow, thanks for coming back and saying this. This makes so much sense.

Fuzzy12
09-09-13, 02:53 AM
Dreamin, I haven't seen you bash Adderall but I don't think you need to worry about it. Meds affect all of us differently. If you had a bad experience with it, then that is a valid emotion irrespective of if anyone else has good experiences.

Before I started taking lamotrigine, I had read so many positive reviews. It seems to have been a life safer for countless number of people. For me, it didn't work well. It got rid of hypomania and levelled my mood out but at a very depressed level. I've quit taking it now but I still hate it. It's not a bad med, maybe just not the right one for me.

I still think Venlafaxine (effexor) is the devil. Not for everyone, just for me. :D

I'm glad you got some answers and that you are feeling better. Please continue to share your experiences, good and bad. :grouphug:

Daydreamin22
09-09-13, 03:03 AM
Dreamin, I haven't seen you bash Adderall but I don't think you need to worry about it. Meds affect all of us differently. If you had a bad experience with it, then that is a valid emotion irrespective of if anyone else has good experiences.

Before I started taking lamotrigine, I had read so many positive reviews. It seems to have been a life safer for countless number of people. For me, it didn't work well. It got rid of hypomania and levelled my mood out but at a very depressed level. I've quit taking it now but I still hate it. It's not a bad med, maybe just not the right one for me.

I still think Venlafaxine (effexor) is the devil. Not for everyone, just for me. :D

I'm glad you got some answers and that you are feeling better. Please continue to share your experiences, good and bad. :grouphug:

Thanks Fuzzy :grouphug:
That's exactly what happened.

fracturedstory
09-09-13, 04:12 AM
I've said the same thing about Ritalin.

Forget hypomania. I have manic binges.

MX2012
09-09-13, 04:16 AM
Daydreamin22 -- you came back and clarified you comments. What more can you ask? Here we express feelings, opinions, and the facts as we understand them. I appreciate your concern for expressing an opinion that you later felt was inaccurate.

Daydreamin22
09-09-13, 04:17 AM
Daydreamin22 -- you came back and clarified you comments. What more can you ask? Here we express feelings, opinions, and the facts as we understand them. I appreciate your concern for expressing an opinion that you later felt was inaccurate.

Thank you

Daydreamin22
09-09-13, 11:21 PM
Guys, I was hypomanic lost and devastated. I'm upset that I'm the kind of person who just hurts, drains morale, and takes a lot out of a forum of people. I think I left some damage behind to each and every person. It's horrible attack on people and that's why people throw that person out of the group. I don't like to think that I was that person. I hate to think that everyone suffered or sacrificed because of me. I hate to think of how you all could have felt. I'm not myself, It's hard to get to my true feelings, reread this, and fix the spelling errors. I don't know why I have turned into such a bad mark on society. This is probably near impossible to believe, but I think of everyone like I always did. For example, I love my sister with all of my heart, in the passed few years Ive looked at her with feelings of hate. I love her even more and it's so painful that I hurt her to the core. I feel helpless, as with all of my relationships with every important person in my life. No need to respond. I know I might be band, but I wanted to come back and tell you all it's not you, it's never anyone, it's just me. It really is nothing but my inward pain shouted at someone, in the form of personal words, but I don't remember what I said and can't imagine coming close to feeling for that person what I expressed. But the damage is done, they have been hurt, they feel unloved and I feel helpless to heal the wounds of something so perfect that was built on a lifetime of love.
just an apology for those who care to read. I have lost a lot of love for myself, so now the love I give comes in peaces in the form of pain and brokenness. I wish I could hive healthy, good, wholehearted love. Now that I really know myself, not just here, I don't think I can. I can definitely act when needed and take care, but the really good stuff is waay covered up and/or shattered.

pooka
09-09-13, 11:28 PM
:grouphug:

For me at least, the hardest part of it was seeing you suffer.

This is a support forum and it's not the first time we've seen people here who are struggling with many difficulties in their lives. We try to be as understanding as possible.

Daydreamin22
09-09-13, 11:33 PM
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
― Ana´s Nin

anonymouslyadd
09-10-13, 02:44 AM
just an apology for those who care to read. I have lost a lot of love for myself, so now the love I give comes in peaces in the form of pain and brokenness. I wish I could hive healthy, good, wholehearted love. Now that I really know myself, not just here, I don't think I can. I can definitely act when needed and take care, but the really good stuff is waay covered up and/or shattered.
:grouphug:

purpleToes
09-10-13, 03:59 AM
ôLove never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.ö
― Ana´s Nin

That's a cool quote. It tells a truth... but not the only truth. Love is also highly resilient, forgiving in receiving, and potent in giving. A little goes a long way, and it has no expiration date.

I believe Nin is specifically referring to romantic love here, and saying that it dies of indifference, not easily or quickly, but inevitably, if nourishment is withheld. But I get the impression you're thinking about your other relationships, not romantic love, and I don't think you, or they, are indifferent. The love of friends and family is hardier than romantic love - pretty hard to kill, actually. Most people are vastly more forgiving than we imagine.

I'm confident, without even knowing them, that the love between you isn't dying at all, even if you ****** off a few people temporarily (I'm not saying you did, but even if you did - it happens, people get over it). You're expressing a lot of pain right now, and regret for possibly having behaved insensitively at times, but not a lack of love for others, and certainly not indifference.

dvdnvwls
09-10-13, 05:28 AM
Guys, I was hypomanic lost and devastated. I'm upset that I'm the kind of person who just hurts, drains morale, and takes a lot out of a forum of people. I think I left some damage behind to each and every person. It's horrible attack on people and that's why people throw that person out of the group. I don't like to think that I was that person. I hate to think that everyone suffered or sacrificed because of me. I hate to think of how you all could have felt. I'm not myself, It's hard to get to my true feelings, reread this, and fix the spelling errors. I don't know why I have turned into such a bad mark on society. This is probably near impossible to believe, but I think of everyone like I always did. For example, I love my sister with all of my heart, in the passed few years Ive looked at her with feelings of hate. I love her even more and it's so painful that I hurt her to the core. I feel helpless, as with all of my relationships with every important person in my life. No need to respond. I know I might be band, but I wanted to come back and tell you all it's not you, it's never anyone, it's just me. It really is nothing but my inward pain shouted at someone, in the form of personal words, but I don't remember what I said and can't imagine coming close to feeling for that person what I expressed. But the damage is done, they have been hurt, they feel unloved and I feel helpless to heal the wounds of something so perfect that was built on a lifetime of love.
just an apology for those who care to read. I have lost a lot of love for myself, so now the love I give comes in peaces in the form of pain and brokenness. I wish I could hive healthy, good, wholehearted love. Now that I really know myself, not just here, I don't think I can. I can definitely act when needed and take care, but the really good stuff is waay covered up and/or shattered.
Pain *****s people up. People hurt each other. The good stuff gets covered up or shattered. Unfortunately, that's the way life goes.

But re-building the love, and healing from the pain, and people helping each other get up again, is also the way life goes.

Everybody has times when they are hurting others; everybody has times when they are getting hurt by someone; everybody has times when they are helping and re-building and healing too.

Don't beat yourself up; it just makes it harder for you to do your part in repairing your life and loving others the best you can.

fracturedstory
09-10-13, 06:12 AM
Daydream, this is a natural reaction from the come down of hypomania and the regret about what you did/said.

It wasn't you that said it anyway; it was your symptoms. I think a lot of people struggle to separate who they are from the disorder, just like a lot of people treat someone with a disorder like their behaviour is all them.

Learn to separate it and you'll feel better.

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 07:57 AM
Daydream, this is a natural reaction from the come down of hypomania and the regret about what you did/said.

It wasn't you that said it anyway; it was your symptoms. I think a lot of people struggle to separate who they are from the disorder, just like a lot of people treat someone with a disorder like their behaviour is all them.

Learn to separate it and you'll feel better.

It is? Thank you so much for telling me :) I can separate that! I appreciate it :)

Greyhound1
09-10-13, 12:59 PM
Hi, I am sorry for saying untrue things about Adderall. I thought it was the most insane med ever because it was making me hypomanic and I didn't realize I was Bipolar II until three weeks ago. Then everything clicked. That's all I'm going to say. I'm better now because my dr. balanced things out with bipolar meds. Now I can see the benefits of having meds. I was sooo miserably majorly depressed in high school. I didn't even know what hypomania felt like until I began ADHD treatment. So, I have both. And I love this forum. Please don't hold against me what I thought was the devil. It was all way over my head. xo (this was a long time ago). So, if you don't remember than perfect.

Peoples opinions and experiences are what make this such a valuable forum. Just be careful not to confuse people with an opinion as being a fact. Many people come here looking for answers and validation on themselves and could easily take your opinion as fact.

I like how much you contribute and I hope you can stay for as long as you want. Just don't try to hard to contribute. Stick with subjects you have a personal experience with and share all of your opinions and experiences. I hope to see you around. Best wishes!

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 07:51 PM
Peoples opinions and experiences are what make this such a valuable forum. Just be careful not to confuse people with an opinion as being a fact. Many people come here looking for answers and validation on themselves and could easily take your opinion as fact.

I like how much you contribute and I hope you can stay for as long as you want. Just don't try to hard to contribute. Stick with subjects you have a personal experience with and share all of your opinions and experiences. I hope to see you around. Best wishes!

Thanks. And thanks for pointing that out. Thinking about it that way is positive and it really was an eyeopening experience in the end. It was pretty much really confusing until it all made sense.

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 07:54 PM
Peoples opinions and experiences are what make this such a valuable forum. Just be careful not to confuse people with an opinion as being a fact. Many people come here looking for answers and validation on themselves and could easily take your opinion as fact.

I like how much you contribute and I hope you can stay for as long as you want. Just don't try to hard to contribute. Stick with subjects you have a personal experience with and share all of your opinions and experiences. I hope to see you around. Best wishes!

Thank you Greyhound, that's true. It really was an eyeopening experience in the end. It was pretty much really confusing until it all made sense.

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 07:56 PM
This is just a story about my experience with Hypomania to anyone who wants to read.

And more importantly, the bold parts are for the people who experienced the drama I didn’t really realize how humungous this post is going to be. So the bold completely covers it, the rest is just fluff. I just had to tell you all, even though it was a year ago, exactly where that major drama came from and why it happened. Had nothing to do with my feelings toward anyone at all. It never does. That’s just the heartbreaking part of my bipolar II (which is simultaneously kind of good in a crazy way to me.. total different story)


Thank so much for understanding. When I first wrote that, I thought, it’s just another apology for something that was on a really grand scale. Because yesterday, I hadn’t totally gotten it into my head that it was just the bipolar talking-- I mean, I knew the bipolar was making me actually believe that the drug companies were tricking you all-- it did not occur to me at all that if that were the case, they would have been caught by now, based on all of the people on the drugs.* If the Adderall was doing what it did to me as a Bipolar person, it wouldn’t have even been sold in the first place. I truly believed that it worked for some people, *I knew it worked for you all, but I just was positive that there was a large group of people who were having the worst experiences, seriously heartbreaking experiences, like me, and I believed that they were being muted, and that about half of the people taking Adderall were having these devestating occurrences. Keep in mind at this point Bipolar would have never crossed my mind as the issue, I thought it was soleIy the adderall. I can’t remember why the racing thoughts side effect, which clearly I had majorly, I didn’t think was significant. I think because it sped me up so much, that I thought that’s what a stimulant did. I thought we were all able to type so much and be so productive because it sped up everybody’s mind. I didn’t think that was the problem, I also didn’t think my grandiose Ideas were abnormal, I thought it was because I had been depressed for so long before, and didn’t think the extra energy due to hypomania was abnormal. Looking back, that makes sense because a lot of people enjoy hypomania in bipolar II for that reason. Also, a lot of people make their most successful accomplishments due to hypomania, termed the “hypomanic edge” (angelina jolie in the third world, lots of babies, brad pitt). The part of the experience that I didn’t like was the lack of empathy, and the fact that I wasn’t in touch with the people I loved the most. That’s another story. I do believe I had an effect on my nephew, but not in my natural way. I wasn’t in tune enough, I think. Though I was with him and attentive to him all the time. But, this is apparently what every mother who takes care of newborns/kids worry about. (another tangent.. what was I talking about? sorry...I promise I have a good point if you are interested.)
What I was saying was, a huge part of the problem of thinking I had to take on an entire group of people that I really believe to be seriously top notch on med research, comparable to one of top clinics (Upenn Med) I went there and he was surprised that I really new my stuff. ( I actually went there bc no one could solve the problem that was honestly there. My PCP never heard of any probs I talked to him ab ruining relationships. He later told me at the next apt that he knew it made some people bad.)
So what was I saying. *this is interesting* What the problem was, was not that I was making up side effects as a result of bipolar ii, (these were facts, they really did happen as a result of me taking Adderall) But, it was what I *lacked* Obvious parts/perspectives of that knowledge. They are things that come with that knowledge-- (that Adderall did this to me). It would come together as part of that knowledge, but that knowledge lacked the parts that makes a piece of knowledge sound... normal. Like that piece of knowledge didn’t come with the fact that if this were happening to half the people on Adderall, it would just not last a week on the market, that part was not even in the back of my mind or close to any of my thoughts. It was no where near. It didn’t exist. Now, I realize how narrow, lacking, targeted my belief was, making it incapable of being sound instead of sound.
I rationalized that I was just very perceptive, I had to believe it. The effects were happening, It was real to me, and in reality it was true, it definitely happened. I had to rationalize for why an entire group of society didn't know... well I’ve always been perseptive... I have such wonderful relationships with my family... maybe they don’t see how this is ruining their lives and is a downward spiral, maybe there relationships are shallow *compared to mine* (btw another lacking fact.. obv everyone has special unique strong family love (but again I had to back up my rationalization because everyone always said my family was loving and we all loved each other a lot growing up... so I had to turn that into a true thing, in order to put all the pieces together... and also I was just being bipolar really.)
So finally, another thing I believed, was that... and I don’t mean to offend anyone... but the belief was causing me to think of all of these rational things (I was using my normal way that most of the time resulted in“sound” judgements. But I was going through this process for reaching sound judgement on a delusional belief) Sorry if I’m repeating myself. I knew it helped everybody the way it helped me, but I believed you all just had to be oblivious or something to my "not all there fact" that it could, would, and was deseptiviely ruining a lot of lives. So, again I made the not all there lacking and delusional fact sound by rationalization and attributing the humongous issue to me apparently being perseptive and my family apparently being so close” *This is the reason I’m writing this post* those rationalizations were made in a normal natural way, they were just based off of a delusion. Therefore, they were NOT based on any "narcissistic (first time i've used that word), egotistical" belief of mine that was “I’m smart” “I’m awesome” It did not come from a place of conceit, pride, arrogance, or self-importance. But from my natural need to rationalize how I could be the only one on this forum that saw my fact. I was literally concerned for evryone. I was mad because no one would listen or believe the abuse I (and everyone unbenonst to everyone) had suffered was because of lies that were a result of the pharmaceutical company’s greed. I can’t believe I thought this stuff, but anyway. I actually believed they only did studies on things that would make them better, and not on important things that would save peoples lives, and that they wanted money(which is actually pretty true but we all know they do things for money but on a much, much smaller scale.)

So this whole thing came from my heart break. My comments *never* spawned from any negative emotions toward any one, because I do not have them. although I was specifically yelling at people, that’s just my bipolar II. it happens to everone I’m close to :( and it means an ant but has the effect of a whale (more or less) Now, as always, I can’t even remember what I said to you all, who I said it to, or what on earth would make me feel so angry at someone when for all of the other moments of knowing them I could never know why or how or have any clue how I could actually experience those emotions toward that person in the moment. My huge scene/ordeal also came from fear for everyone because of another fact extreme delusional and therefore lacking crucial normal parts to make it sound -“the pharmecutical companies were purposely hiding what they knew the long term side effects were going to leave-- half of us with a broken heart, family, and mind. Making all of the talented Harvard researchers willing to take money, do the tests to favor the industry, leaving out obvious truths.” This is all wrong, they knew about this i.e. racing thoughts. It was my lack of understanding the “racing thoughts” (i do wish they could say hypomanic racing thoughts or something.)

So anyway, I believed the scientists and Pharmaceutical ceo’s were keeping things from us, and was going to do my small part (as what the other muted half of us were doing) to write a letter and be an advocate, knowing I would be muted. I felt exactly like I was buried alive. *I wanted to save all of us.*” That’s the only reason. And I rationalized in a hypomanic way that my slightly talented strength of perception and my close family relationships, caused me to have insight that other adderall takers didn’t have. So I had to make everyone aware and do my small part of writing a letter that would be shut down trying to put an end to the pharm company conspieracy.

OK *so that is where my experience came from, that and the fact that this was a natural reaction to a comedown from Hypomania* That was the first one ever, and knowing that in all other times throughout my life I had the ability to come to very sound judgement, there was no one that could tell me (except someone who recognized this as bipolar) that my belief was wrong. It was the lack of facts in the belief that caused the whole episode, I think. So, that’s really in depth. Sure someone who knows about bipolar II could enlighten me, that’s just all I know. So sorry ya’ll. That’s what was going on in my head. I now am able to see the world normally bc of bipolar meds. And one of the many things I’ve noticed is how incredibly knowledgable this place is. With an affect on anyone who searches adhd aspects on google, which is a huge effect and awesome. I do not feel bad anymore... but I just had to write this so that you all knew. I couldn’t not tell everyone that experienced that where it all came from. I realize it possible may not have had that much of an effect, but to me that was major, like Nevermore was major, except I totally bashed everyone and was banned, whereas nevermore was a learning experience and everyone was learning how to help him. Totally different things but I believed mine was major. ne was learning how to help him. Totally different things but I believed mine was major.

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 08:36 PM
I don't know why I think it's so important that I write this huge post. Part of me feels I had a huge effect, but I also know that it's not a big deal anymore. Torn as usual. But, I'm reading a book on Bipolar so I won't be so intense (like this post... that I can't edit anymore : ) )

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 08:48 PM
Correction to the very bottom, yes I do feel bad still. So this is as serious as I get on here. I like playing games and answering posts that haven't been replied to yet. And hanging out and learning.

Greyhound1
09-10-13, 11:14 PM
I am glad to hear you have your bi-polar under control now. I think most people here can relate to problems and issues that were caused before being diagnosed and properly treated with just Adhd. You have both.

You have apologized and apologized and explained yourself in great detail. You have done everything you can do. Just relax and try to let it go now. Most people run from their mistakes and you didn't. You boldly faced yours here. That is admirable.

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 11:43 PM
Pain *****s people up. People hurt each other. The good stuff gets covered up or shattered. Unfortunately, that's the way life goes.

But re-building the love, and healing from the pain, and people helping each other get up again, is also the way life goes.

Everybody has times when they are hurting others; everybody has times when they are getting hurt by someone; everybody has times when they are helping and re-building and healing too.

Don't beat yourself up; it just makes it harder for you to do your part in repairing your life and loving others the best you can.

Very True. Thanks for the perspective.

Daydreamin22
09-10-13, 11:47 PM
I am glad to hear you have your bi-polar under control now. I think most people here can relate to problems and issues that were caused before being diagnosed and properly treated with just Adhd. You have both.

You have apologized and apologized and explained yourself in great detail. You have done everything you can do. Just relax and try to let it go now. Most people run from their mistakes and you didn't. You boldly faced yours here. That is admirable.

Thanks so much. I am feeling lucky that my mom taught me how to apologize. Especially in times when it takes courage and pain to face the problem.

peripatetic
09-11-13, 12:29 PM
we battled long and we battled hard, my friend
but i loved you then and love you still
i'm just glad you're back and suffering less x

as my gran's always pointed out, it takes a good amount of **** to properly grow flowers, veg, to attract butterflies...pretty much everything you want to harvest or attract requires being fertilized... a lot of us have lost it on here and i hope you keep in mind that the forum is stronger, not weaker, for having us in it..**** and all ;)

MX2012
09-12-13, 06:09 PM
Daydreaming22 --

The way you describe your emotions sounds familiar.

Like memories, ADD/HDers struggle trying to remember daily tasks etc. It is a brain function that works differently for ADD/HDers. I think the way ADD/HDers experience emotions is similar. Emotions are a physical/mental function. To me, it feels that sometimes my wiring gets crossed and the end result is my emotions are a mixed bag of conflicting feelings and often inappropriate.

When I was younger, my emotions were harder to control and influenced my relationships with strangers, friends, and family, negatively.

Age, knowledge, therapy, diet, exercise, and practice (and writing) are the only things that have helped me gain better control over my emotions.

It is hard when you are living in the moment, in a moment of emotional chaos, to make much sense of your emotions.

Try not to be to hard on yourself.

Good luck.

Daydreamin22
09-15-13, 10:41 PM
Thank you Peri! Same to you :) <3

Daydreamin22
09-15-13, 10:43 PM
Daydreaming22 --

The way you describe your emotions sounds familiar.

Like memories, ADD/HDers struggle trying to remember daily tasks etc. It is a brain function that works differently for ADD/HDers. I think the way ADD/HDers experience emotions is similar. Emotions are a physical/mental function. To me, it feels that sometimes my wiring gets crossed and the end result is my emotions are a mixed bag of conflicting feelings and often inappropriate.

When I was younger, my emotions were harder to control and influenced my relationships with strangers, friends, and family, negatively.

Age, knowledge, therapy, diet, exercise, and practice (and writing) are the only things that have helped me gain better control over my emotions.

It is hard when you are living in the moment, in a moment of emotional chaos, to make much sense of your emotions.

Try not to be to hard on yourself.

Good luck.

Thank you! Very good advice and perspective.

Raye
09-16-13, 06:58 AM
Hi, I am sorry for saying untrue things about Adderall. I thought it was the most insane med ever because it was making me hypomanic and I didn't realize I was Bipolar II until three weeks ago. Then everything clicked. That's all I'm going to say. I'm better now because my dr. balanced things out with bipolar meds. Now I can see the benefits of having meds. I was sooo miserably majorly depressed in high school. I didn't even know what hypomania felt like until I began ADHD treatment. So, I have both. And I love this forum. Please don't hold against me what I thought was the devil. It was all way over my head. xo (this was a long time ago). So, if you don't remember than perfect.

I have tried many, many meds over the last 13 years that haven't worked for me and I have wanted to bash them ALL!!

But as I spent more and more time on this forum, I realized that some meds work differently for some people. What doesn't work for me may work wonders for someone else. Meds are trial and error. :cool: