View Full Version : encouraging partner to try medication
My husband and I figured out that he has ADD about 2 years ago after two of our children were diagnosed. Both of our children have ADHD, one is severe. We also noted that his parents probably have ADD (they have the classic signs), and his brothers have it too. My husband has the typical problems of chronic lateness, losing track of time, inability to focus on mundane chores, difficulty completing household projects and an ability to hyperfocus on interesting activities such as his business. He gets home from work each night shortly before bedtime for the kids, so I manage alot of the evening 'stuff'. Consequently, I have been left with most of the responsibilities of running the house and children's activities (and their treatment) along with working full time.
I am wondering if medication may help his punctuality and possibly his efficiency at work so he can get home at a decent time. I also know that he is very sensitive about the ADD issue, and it has been a big disappointment for him, especially because he feels that our children's problems are ultimately his fault for passing on the gene. I am thinking about asking him to try medication. Have other wives done this (I'm sure they have) and been successful? For anyone reading this who has been on medication, can you describe for me any differences it made in your life? How did it make you feel - good or bad? Any tips or words of advice?
07-23-03, 12:55 PM
I sent you a private message via this board. Don't be discouraged...I really do know how you feel. I am sure you will get feedback from your post ...sure a helpful gang here. Welcome btw!
07-23-03, 04:39 PM
Well Diane, being on meds has made a WORLD of difference in my life...funny you should ask today....I went on a job interview today...in my chosen career field...and I came out of the interview feeling REALLY GREAT...! I knew that I could do the job and I knew that the interview was good and I KNOW it's because I've steadily become more stable, mentally, on my meds....It's taken awhile of course....I mean the improvement did not come overnight...but it did come....The Wellbutrin has helped my depression AND my ADD.....I'm serious about this....They had me take a competency test and I remembered my stuff! And I didn't freak out! So if there's any way your husband might be willing to get on meds, hopefully the right ones will come his way and some of his symptoms would improve...:) You do need a good doctor willing to work with him....
I think a lot depends on how you approach the subject of medication. Telling him he sick and "needs" medication could rub him the wrong way. Looking at AD/HD as a difference that has both it's positive and it's negative may be more helpful. Try to make him look at medication as one of many tools that can help a person with AD/HD lead a better life.
07-23-03, 06:33 PM
Another thing Diane is he has to want to want meds. I mean it's one thing that his punctuality and efficiency at work bother you....but the question to ask is how much do these things bother him? And the chronic lateness...You say he is sensitive about his ADD...does that mean so sensitive that he does not want to talk about it/deal with it and hence not treat it? If that is the case, I would be real careful with the way you broach the subject...again, he has to want to go the meds route...and not everybody chooses this route....
I look at my ADD as a totally positive thing as I have had several sucessful business ( and sold them all for a steal as I got bored with them)
If your husband is in business and hyperfocusing on then good for him but he might want to get to know the fact that it might be becuse of his ADD that he can do that.
I look at it in the sence of it has helped me as much as it has without being aware that I had ADD, ------ Now that I am aware of it what can I make it do for me ---- ADD is just another tool to be used as a means to the end. Whatever the end may be.
What is your husbands business just out of interest.
Check out the Various ADD links at the bottom of my post
Joan & Garry,
Thanks for your replies..... To answer your question, Garry, my husband is a physician (internist). His ADD is probably the reason he did well in medical school (found it fascinating). Its also interesting that his father who has ADD has a successful business of his own (architect) and his brother with ADD has also had his own businesses. I am trying to look at the positive aspects of the ADD. It certainly makes him an 'intense' and interesting person and very focused on certain things.
My problem is that our kids have ADD also and one is severe enough that he has learning disabilities and another is behind in her class (she has already been held back at kindergarten by myself because I felt she was immature). The teachers give me extra work for the daughter because she can't keep up in class and the son with the learning disabilities requires alot of homework help. I am essentially left to manage all this alone. Of course, my husband helps, if he gets home before they go to bed, but his schedule is unpredictable. To say the least, I feel that I can't do all the parenting alone and that my kids will suffer. I am now thinking of hiring a tutor to come help me at night. so, this is the stressful background that causes me to want him to be more efficient, but I'm not sure its a battle worth fighting. He supports meds for the kids, but has never thought if it for himself, because you are probably right - he sees no need for it.
So far, I haven't said anything to him. I did say I would post a message here and ask others how they 'feel' taking meds, kind of hinting that it may be something good to consider. Overall, he is a wonderfully supportive person of me...as far as the big picture goes. He put me through graduate school and supports my out of town trips a few times a year to attend conferences.
Any tips on how to live with a person who is chronically late???? He is 15 minutes late for every event....soccer practice, work, church, etc. On the other hand, I find comfort in having 'wiggle' room - getting places a few minutes early so I'm not feeling rushed and can relax. He is motivated by the need to feel rushed in order to get out the door!
I'll stop blabbing. Thanks for your support and I'd like more suggestions!
One last thought (I also sent another message a few minutes ago, so I'm not sure which one would be posted first). Are you suggesting that medication may 'stifle' my husband's creativity and the energy he has to invest as much as he does in his work?
07-24-03, 10:25 AM
Diane: Your husband is a physician (internist)? No kidding. I'm also in the medical field (dietitian) and during my training this past year and a half had a chance to work with many M.D.'s -- many of whom often display ADD symptoms whether they have ADD or not!:) Many are high strung, intense, hyper and YES chronically late! But also as you say they are fascinating, interesting and focussed on certain things...so true. The lateness may be a combination "doctor" trait and "ADD" trait for your husband...just my opinion. If it's just 15 minutes, that may be a thing of his that may never change, meds or not. If it gets to be more than 15 minutes, who knows, meds may change that, but only if he wants to change it. Sometimes doctors, who prescribe meds themselves, no matter what the illness, NEVER want to admit they may need to be on meds themselves, of any type. Does your husband think this way at all:)? AND at the same time, he does sound REALLY supportive of you....So perhaps his tendency to be late and yours to be early - balance out and it's not really a bad thing....unless his lateness embarrasses you....:(
AND to me you sound very overwhelmed regarding the kids' needs however. I think the tutoring is a great idea. How about a housecleaner part-time as well? Does he know how you feel about your need for him to help more with the parenting? Good luck....:)
Thanks for your quick reply. I do have a house cleaner come 2X/month. Something I just initiated this year! I also arrange to have the lawn mowed by my neighbor's son.
I have spoken with him about my desire for him to come home earlier and help with the kids. He always says he will do it, but something always comes up (which I believe really does happen on some occasions when he has to go to the hospital, other times I think he is not comfortable unless he is the last one to leave the office - feeling that people who do a good job stay late - or else he just loses track of time).
Also, one time last year he mentioned to me that he was very proud of himself for coming home so early lately. I said, 'how early have you been coming home?' He said he thought he was getting home at 6:30 pm, it was more like 8 or 8:30 - which I told him, and he was a little surprised. He's a little clueless.
It is very interesting that he identifies the ADD characteristics of his parents that drive him crazy. And I would have to admit that he has made effort to avoid some of what they do (always lose their keys, can't find their prescription medications). I have also read some of what others have mentioned in this forum about their spouses taking money out of ATM's and not remembering (my husband is not a good accountant, but I know where to find his receipts), always losing keys, so I know it could be worse.
07-24-03, 11:58 AM
Yes considering he's a physician and feels pressured to be the last one to leave the office (his philosophy is understandable), perhaps your situation could be a whole lot worse....personally, I would LOVE to be married to a physician, I think! As long as he comes home nights and his beeper isn't beeping all hours of the night! I think his being clueless about the time is also a "doctor" trait too as well as an ADD trait....he thought it was 6:30 when it was 8:30:)....By the way, do you work outside the home as well?
Oh yes....I do work outside the home. I'm a nursing professor! I just started working 2 years ago. Prior to that I was a doctoral student. Prior to graduate school, I taught in various nursing programs with a master's degree. During the years when the kids were babies/toddlers, I went to school part time which saved my sanity, but I didn't work during those years.
The positive side of being married to a doctor is that he is an interesting person, always has an opinion and lots to say. The down side is that it consumes alot of our family life and him personally. Prior to beginning the new business, he was totally spent...so many constant demands, never feeling that you are doing a good job. People are very needy and his employer was not appreciative of his efforts!
This site is a nice comforting distraction while I am sitting here at work grading papers! Thanks for your replies.
07-24-03, 12:33 PM
You're a nursing professional and professor and he's a doctor....you two need two more of yourselves in your lives to carry the load! YOU ARE BUSY! I can only imagine how totally smart your kids will be....ADD/learning disabilities in spite of it all. Incidentally I have ADD and learning disabilities up the wazoo...and I have coped and survived -- it has taken awhile but I have come through in my 40's....It's good your husband has his new business. His employer will always appreciate him, this way, right? Tell your students nursing jobs are overflowing.......everywhere, as if they didn't already know that:)