View Full Version : I finally saw my doctor again


fracturedstory
09-24-13, 12:35 AM
With my mother who made it clear that my problem was that I didn't realise everyone else goes through mood changes and that I just need to deal with it.

She's not invited to future appointments, even if she still thinks she is.

I told my doctor straight away that I thought Ritalin gave me symptoms of bipolar. I gave him a description of my symptoms that I wrote when I was manic. 'Bit jumpy in moods' he says.

He's now taken me off Ritalin IR and prescribed me Ritalin LA (that costs $45 more - my prescription cost me $5) and I don't think I can pay that much for something that will probably still give me mood issues.

It's like he's not even listening to me. He keeps going on about rapid cycling moods being about not being properly organised rather than the reality which is I can't be properly organised (as in in a job) because of rapid cycling moods.

Now I am on no medication at all. I have Ritalin withdrawals to look forward to in 3-4 days. Depression is my biggest problem. I've found myself becoming more depressed over ADHD issues like things taking too long. I've had anxiety over it too.

I'm pretty sure everyone on Facebook thought I killed myself last night. I basically thought that I would one day kill myself. I've got so much to fix and it's just overwhelming. An anti-depressant may have taken away the anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self doubt and most importantly, obsessive behaviour.

I just don't know what's going to happen. I even feel like I'm not explaining myself clearly enough because I've stopped taking Ritalin. One thing Ritalin did well was control my emotions, and then it made me manic.

The day of my appointment I really wanted to kill myself too, especially after my mum kept talking to me about people just getting on with life despite feeling a bit depressed. Then she basically started talking about her issues. That's when I wanted to jump in front of a car. I'm glad I don't live with her.

I'm glad the people I live with understand me, but not completely. My sister says I need to work ways around all my symptoms as she has. It's been 6 months for me and around 20 years for her. I've probably had it for longer, like 3 years and since 2008 if you count PMDD.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm already exhausted. One drinking session made me wake up and collapse on my bathroom wall, break my glasses and so I need to get another pair. Normally, I would do that but now I'm going to lose a lot of motivation. I've been relying on hypomania for motivation for God knows how long.

I can hear the anxiety in my voice too. It's not a paranoid delusion but it's still pretty strong.

I've got a gig to go to on Saturday. Then on the 4th, 10th and 19th. I tend to get obsessed about a few of the bands. The one on Saturday and the 19th are really important ones. The band I'm seeing on the 19th I saw over a month ago and I had the most intense anxiety and then dark mania, followed by a longer than usual depression. Everything just went wrong. No med breaks for 2 weeks so I kept upping my dosage but no dose worked that well, and just made me worse. This time I was planning to have a med break, take only small doses but I can't do that anymore.
My ADHD self at a gig doesn't care because it can barely focus. It doesn't want to talk to people and it gets drunk way too fast. I can't tolerate that environment sober.

I'm probably just overreacting. God...I just want to see this band once and actually have a good f***ing time. Is that so much to ask for?

So either I go off Ritalin now and see how I handle these next gigs or I continue to take small dosages and hope for fun good times chatting euphoria. And then go off my meds for good. But there's always going to bands that will make me delay going off my meds so I know I have to go off them now and the sooner they get out of my system (and the sooner I get over the withdrawal) the better.

The last two years have been hell for me. I feel like I've wasted so much time. And I don't know if I'll ever recover from it, health wise.

dvdnvwls
09-24-13, 02:22 AM
Ugh. You've been through a lot in a short time. Keep breathing. Don't let other people's opinions knock you down too badly.

I feel a strange kinship with you even though we're probably about as different as two people can be. I want things to go well for you, want to come over there and help you put right some of the stuff around you that's causing problems. Which is ridiculous because I have more than enough of my own **** to fix.

Is the band on the 19th stressful because you hate them, or because they're difficult to work with, or is it because they matter more than some others?

Don't you start to make a lot of stupid mistakes when drunk at a gig? I certainly would. I might actually be able to convince myself that I'd do better work on one beer, but two is definitely worse than none, and it all goes to hell pretty quickly after that. (And I have a feeling I'm a bit larger than you are.) :)

fracturedstory
09-24-13, 04:45 AM
I admire the people in the band on the 19th. They're kind of like the cool kids I want to be. Plus I may have a crush on one member which just adds to the stress. They are very hard to take photos of because of the low lighting and awkward placement of key boards/mics. And I'm pretty damn short.
I have to wait a really long time to see them so I've all this time to worry/fantasize. I often think about what may happen at gigs, with both positive and negative outcomes.
I have to ask one of the members to get me in the gig though, and yes it's the one I have a crush on.

It depends what you mean by stupid mistakes. The meds made me focus better on my camera. Of course I was visibly speeding. I would constantly change my lenses, chat incessantly and a rapid pace and would embarrass myself in some ways. Then sometimes I'd be depressed or getting really angry which I eventually found out was dark mania. Recently I've been rapidly cycling over the minutes.
I'd probably have 2-3 drinks on average. But when I went up to 5 that's when things started to get bad. I probably never took more than 15mg of Ritalin too.

Day 1 without Ritalin has been pretty bad. I've been out and around people and then finally just got really frustrated, and now there's a dinner party downstairs and I just don't want to be a part of it. These people know me as the happy chatty social person that drinks too much and then goes to bed early, while they continue to party throughout the night. I usually engage in quite intellectual debate and now I can barely get one clear thought out of my mind.

I'm not going to enjoy these next couple of days.

And thank you. I know I'm not always the nicest person here so appreciate some people here still like me.

Rebelyell
09-24-13, 04:57 AM
Awe big hugs fractured, it really blows when the medical establishment of all people dont get it.

dvdnvwls
09-24-13, 05:18 AM
I admire the people in the band on the 19th. They're kind of like the cool kids I want to be. Plus I may have a crush on one member which just adds to the stress. They are very hard to take photos of because of the low lighting and awkward placement of key boards/mics. And I'm pretty damn short.
I have to wait a really long time to see them so I've all this time to worry/fantasize. I often think about what may happen at gigs, with both positive and negative outcomes.
I have to ask one of the members to get me in the gig though, and yes it's the one I have a crush on.

It depends what you mean by stupid mistakes. The meds made me focus better on my camera. Of course I was visibly speeding. I would constantly change my lenses, chat incessantly and a rapid pace and would embarrass myself in some ways. Then sometimes I'd be depressed or getting really angry which I eventually found out was dark mania. Recently I've been rapidly cycling over the minutes.
I'd probably have 2-3 drinks on average. But when I went up to 5 that's when things started to get bad. I probably never took more than 15mg of Ritalin too.

Day 1 without Ritalin has been pretty bad. I've been out and around people and then finally just got really frustrated, and now there's a dinner party downstairs and I just don't want to be a part of it. These people know me as the happy chatty social person that drinks too much and then goes to bed early, while they continue to party throughout the night. I usually engage in quite intellectual debate and now I can barely get one clear thought out of my mind.

I'm not going to enjoy these next couple of days.

And thank you. I know I'm not always the nicest person here so appreciate some people here still like me.
I don't know. I find you consistently nice. I really do like you, as much as it's possible to "like" someone I've never met and who I've only talked to by typing messages on a web forum.

If you see yourself as "not always the nicest", it might be because you don't feel good at times. You're still nice at those times, trust me. Sometimes you complain when things are bad. Well, so do I, and so do most people. Maybe you're ashamed or regret doing that; there's no need for shame or regret. You're not hurting me, or hurting others, if you decide to "vent" sometimes.

Your self is good. Try to be as kind to yourself as you are to ADDF people.

5 drinks, in a woman of your weight, must be like 8 or 10 drinks for me. And I'd be pretty "hammered" after just 5 myself. (The "real men" you have over there would be laughing at me, but I don't care.) Take it easy, OK?