View Full Version : How can a person end up so alone so easily?


yellowflowers
10-02-13, 02:19 PM
Hi

Thought I'd post - trying to break the isolation I've got myself stuck in at the moment.

Its a vicious cycle really. I know that. And I know too that the thing to do is get out and meet people and face the fear etc.....

I'm stuck most evening in this space, limbo, horrible loneliness, cant bear to spend another evening alone, and no energy/can't face/fear trying to meet people.

I know its typical. Cliche even.

I want the comfort, the everything, of human contact. But I guess, when your feeling low you kind of want someone you can feel safe with, a parent type figure, an old friend.... I have access to neither.

I've thought about support groups. But I don't fit in any 'box' that has a support group running near me.

You kind of need to be feeling your strongest/ best to make new friends. I haven't felt so good in quite a while now. I'm also living in a new area (although its getting embarrassingly less new to use as an excuse for my absent social life).

I know al the advise, need to join a class or club or something like that. I've tried a few things but none so far have really worked out.

I know I need to keep trying. I wish I had more energy. I'm not sure when exactly this switch happened - the energylessness. Woe, writing that has kind of brought home to me how much I've changed in the past 3/4 months.

Isolation is bad. Bad. Bad. How can a person end up so alone so easily? Its kind of amazing really.

X

dvdnvwls
10-02-13, 02:39 PM
Sometimes, a little more isolation leads to a bit of depression. And that depression leads to a little more isolation. Which brings more depression, and round and round. It's not amazing, just sad.

There comes a time when forcing yourself to do things that involve being with other people might be necessary. Sometimes, "other people" turns out to be a therapist or counsellor because that's what you can manage. But you have to make a conscious effort to break this cycle; it will not naturally fix itself. You have to decide to act differently, because the way you've been acting has been hurting yourself.

MX2012
10-02-13, 02:51 PM
Yellowflowers:

I was curious. Could you give more details? Like how old are you, what is your education? Do you or have you worked?

I don't want to sound like I am drilling you. But, I think that these factors and others play a role in how you interact with the world.

While I have had a dream all my life of wanting a mature loving relationship, I am over 60 now, so I have to finally let that dream go.

But, due to many factors like ADD/HD, I prefer to be alone. While I can make friends, I don't feel I have a "best friend." Over the years, various experiences have increased my desire to be alone. I keep my distance from people primarily because I don't trust them.

You have reached out here on the forums, please keep in touch.

Take care.

FogNoggin
10-02-13, 05:37 PM
I don't follow it, but it was on, the sitcom, The Big Bang (Want to mention 'Friends' too) , and I was wondering if regular people, even socially active nerds really have social lives that active?
Don't watch TV, it gives people false ideas of what life is like, and everyone always comes up short.

What am I doing right now? My recently again unemployed *** is going to hop on my motorized bicycle, go somewhere like the graveyard, sit down and hang out by myself while I ingest smoldering particulates from a certain kind of vegetable matter from a self fashioned paper tube.
(right after this coffee)

I do a lot, alone.

dvdnvwls
10-02-13, 05:42 PM
There are good reasons to be alone, good reasons to be happy about being alone. And there are good reasons to be with others as well. It depends on what you need.

yellowflowers
10-03-13, 08:18 AM
Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Its really helped, I feel more alive somehow when I interact with people, even online.

I guess that is it. I am a person who kind of needs people. I'm this weird mix of sociable (as in wanting/needing social interaction) yet find it really hard/ get very anxious/ get very hurt.

MX2012 I'm in my late 20s, I'm supposed to be doing postgrad course and working but am doing neither AGAIN at the moment because I couldn't cope. I'm supposed to be returning in a few weeks time to both.

I've never had a busy social life. Its always been a struggle. To fit in anywhere. It was easiest when I was a small child... but you know how it is, it all gets complicated quite quickly! I was the most sociable of my family, my siblings struggled to have any close friendships, but I found a lot of solice in friends, had a lot of fun times as a kid with friends.

Because maybe you kind of base your identity comparitively on your family - I thought I was a social person, 'good' at it. But in reality it was only compared to people I know realise were really bad at it, and also maybe didn't see the need for friendships.

Its good I guess that I have learned to be more at ease alone. Overall I think I can tolerate myself better than I used to be able to.

I've had a lot of loss in my life in a few forms. Deaths, loss of stuff I never had if that makes sense (parent stuff), and a lot of lost friendships and rejections from family and friends. It damn hurts. I know its the price we pay for connecting with others. I know its worth it. But maybe it adds to the fear - stops me trying.

Dvdnvmwls Its true about the isolation - depression - more isolation - more depression. I kind of tried to convince myself I didn't need people. I didn't bother taking care of that part of my life. I literally ignored the fact that I had no 'leisure/ fun time'. I was so tired anyway. I was working - so I was around people all day. And when I got home I just wanted to hide. I was so burned out, each evening just trying to work out how I'd get all the work done and make it through the next day.

I don't really connect with the people I work with. I feel so beneath them, so pathetic. I spent my days trying to hide that I'm nuts and have adhd and can't cope. Hiding that I haven't a clue what I'm at and am a total fraud. So spending the day with them - well I was all 'used up' when I got home. I didn't want to go spend time with more people.

But it didn't work. And I thought about how I could maybe try find people I did connect with, but couldn't figure out how or build the energy for it.

Workmates are not 'friends'. I need friends. And I could see how people at work didnt care so much what other colleagues thought of them, because they had relationships and people to go home to that they knew liked them.

But these office people were al I had. So being so different from them, feeling pathetic, poor work performance etc. REALLY mattered. And what little self-belief I had was gone.

FogNoggin Its funny you should say about that sitcom Big Bang Theory. I got so jealous of the characters having this set of stable excepting friends I couldn't bear to watch it anymore. How pathetic is that.

I do everything alone now. And in a way, I'd like to continue doing some stuff alone. But not everything. (on the veg matter smoking :P I never tried it, never tried any of that stuff, something in my head told me....I just KNEW if I did my fragile mind would crack. I am a prime candidate for drug induced psychotic break. I just know it. I'm jealous you can enjoy it though, enjoy!) X

XXxx

Xxx

dvdnvwls
10-03-13, 09:13 AM
If you think for too long of yourself as pathetic, you will start to believe it, and then you'll start to act in ways that will make it come true. Think of what you wish for, not what you don't wish for.

dvdnvwls
10-03-13, 09:14 AM
... and being nuts and having ADHD are separate things.

atSWIMtooboreds
10-03-13, 11:26 AM
Sounds like you have impostor syndrome. That's a great way to feel alone even when you're not actually alone.

Nibs91
10-04-13, 04:54 PM
I have also been a lonely and socially awkward person. In my teens I would always, always wish that I had friends. I'd ask God to give me something to work with and build from.
I guess my wish came true when I started college. I was embraced and transformed; I found a huge, loving group of friends. I was the epitome of compassion and comedy. I was passionate, caring, empathetic and so on. I enjoyed it, loved it, and it made me happy. I craved social interaction and loved going to class. To the extent that I would look forward to going to campus right after leaving the parking lot going home.
Somehow, somewhere into my junior year I started to decline and go back to my original self. I undeservingly cut friends off, stopped answering calls and invites, and reserved myself for only a few people.

That has now all diminished. I see no one and no one sees me. I'm a senior now and I go to class, go home, go to work. No social life no nothing. I don't even post online unless I'm feeling good, thus I'm always just browsing around here and other forums and websites. It's funny, sometimes I write out a reply to a thread and I go to hit post and I'm like "this was stupid, is of no help, and just a waste of space on this forum".

I was actually just about to delete this reply but said what the heck.

finallyfound10
10-05-13, 12:49 PM
I am in isolation too. Work mates and school mates don't count, I realize that. I have no social life. I spent time with one person in a bona fide social setting in about 3 years over the summer that I had to get "tutored through" by the wonderful folks on here!!

I discovered a Meetup group in my area that is for Depression/Anxiety/Shyness that I have gone to a few times. People have a range of issues not just those three- very similar to us on here. It was very helpful and we went out to eat afterwards so it was a nice, safe way for me to socialize but with a lot of support since many of them isolate too.

dvdnvwls
10-07-13, 04:10 PM
Work mates and school mates can count; sometimes they don't, but sometimes they can make a huge positive difference in your life. It depends on a lot of things. But don't just assume they're not part of your solution, because they really could be. If you work in a place where talking to each other is not accepted, or where you really don't like any of the people, then it gets a little more obvious - but most situations are not so obvious.

MX2012
10-07-13, 10:37 PM
Sounds like you have impostor syndrome. That's a great way to feel alone even when you're not actually alone.

atSWIM... can you elaborate on your statement? It sounds odd to me. Thanks.

ActionAimz
10-08-13, 12:18 AM
I can relate. I know that isolation is the absolute worse thing for my depression, yet I do it anyway. Overall, I am much better than I used to be. But I have isolation relapses, which usually amount to lack of planning or just giving in to the tricks my mind plays on me. My mind lies.

When you are depressed, you will end up alone so easily because it's the nature of a depressed person to isolate. Especially if you started doing it at a very young age and have self esteem issues. I get the work to home thing too. When you are depressed it takes so much energy to not act depressed at work, then when you get home, you just crash. I have ignored many a phone call from friends and family over the years, because I didn't feel I had the energy to talk to anyone. That just feeds the beast and makes things worse.

Getting out more is often easier said than done. You sometimes just have to make yourself do what you don't want to do. 99% of the time, I am glad that I went to something that I forced myself to go to. I rarely say "geeze, I wish I had stayed home by myself." Even if I didn't have the greatest time ever, I usually can admit that it beat staying at home by myself. Even if I feel the slightest bit energized, it was worth it.

I've been better lately as I've said, because I had to force myself. Here's how. First I let my spontaneous ADD nature work for me. I don't think or fret about going out. I just make a plan and do it. But at the same time, because I have ADD, I have to plan ahead. Leaving things to chance is fodder for distraction (and depression). So I put things on my calendar so I won't forget it's happening, but I don't fret over it, because my depression will inevitably talk me out of going. I try to make sure I have at least one activity every weekend, that I have planned out ahead of time. When I don't plan it, I will inevitably sleep all weekend, feeding my depression.

Meetup.com works really well for me. I scan the site with fine tooth comb, looking for any group or event that appeals to me. I like live music so I go to as many concert Meetups as I can, even if I've never heard of the band. I just go. The good thing about Meetup is that nobody knows each other, so you don't feel so out of place. Everyone's a stranger. This summer I decided to just email one person I talked to at the Meetup. I actually made a really good friend by doing that.

When I do routine things like grocery shopping, etc. I force myself to make small talk. It seems silly, but it makes me feel better overall, maybe not immediately, but overall. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it. It has a cumulative effect. I try to go to some of the same places often. Like Starbucks. That way I get to know the people who work there, just from sheer repetition. When people know me, and what I am going to order, and are happy to see me, I don't feel so invisible to the world.

I found an exercise class. You can exercise alone, but it's far better to find a class that meets at regularly scheduled times. Go often, become a regular, you will meet other people who go all the time too. Then you have to actually talk to the people. Say hello, say goodbye, say have a nice weekend. Find them on Facebook and friend them. You may not be best buddies, but you'll be making human connections, and it will inevitably help break up the loneliness. People will begin to miss you when you're absent. A bootcamp class I found, has happy hours and picnics every now and then. And I mentioned casually to a classmate that I like to hike, and got a new hiking buddy out of it. I had a personal trainer for a few months. I hated to miss a session, because it meant one less person to talk to that day.

Yes clubs, church, classes, volunteering help too. I used to downplay that, because my problem was not finding things to do, it was connecting with people when doing them. But getting out of my head and just talking to people -- not over analyzing, etc. helps. And the more you do it, the more comfortable it feels. Conversely, the more you isolate, the more rusty your conversational skills get.

My issue is the inevitable gaps in activity. There are weekends, where there is just nothing going on, or when I fail to plan ahead. Then I am right back where I started -- alone, spiraling down a rabbit hole. It's my comfort zone that I always fall back into. But I have to realize what's going on and immediately make an effort to pull myself out of it.

When you have depression, you may always have to work extra harder at staying connected. But it can be done.

Rebelyell
10-08-13, 01:52 AM
I usually go out do things w strangers who for one don't know me, get my kick s n laugh s in for a few hours there on there way im on my way, go home quiet and the best thing I never have to see or deal w the same ******* freaking people as I will never see them again ever.I never wanted to go down this road or way but it seems like the best path for me right now.Ride my cycle to anybike nite shoot the **** talk rhetoric laugh drink n get back on my cycle to hear my thoughts, ahhhh life is grand.

dvdnvwls
10-08-13, 03:35 PM
ahhhh life is grand.
Not sure whether your tone in this last few words was sincere or sarcastic or a little of both.

Rebelyell
10-08-13, 06:50 PM
Sorry perhaps a little of both dv, im a straight shooter so I wouldnt say it was insincere

someothertime
10-08-13, 09:25 PM
Hey yellow, similar spot. Happy to skype chat once in a while if you like. I got broadband last week :)

dvdnvwls
10-09-13, 02:53 AM
im a straight shooter
That's exactly what I thought. I'm glad things are working out well for you.