View Full Version : ***POTENTIAL TRIGGER***Some Thoughts (Split from Grad School Thread in Adult Ed)

10-05-13, 11:15 PM
Update: I think this is the first time I'm revealing it on open forum - I dropped out about a month ago.

I love learning and teaching, but have realised that I hate Research Projects and Academic Writing, so an academic career is not for me.

On the writing front I have not worked on my novel in a year, and rereading in retrospect, while I *know* I have a good story to tell, my writing style is dismal - not grammar and language, I'm pretty decent in those areas - but my "voice" is dry and flareless. So scrap that project too.

And you know, the bottom line? I don't like "doing stuff" - including but not limited to work - anyway.

I'll live off my family and disability until that becomes unviable, and then I'll kill myself. I'm NOT depressed or suicidal. Simply pragmatic. I'd rather be dead than either work for a living or live in extreme poverty and difficulty.

NO support / sympathy messages please. I'm fine, for now. Really. :)

10-05-13, 11:49 PM
Well, either way :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: .

I think your novel is spectacular btw, and I know I'm not the only one to think that. I don't think you truly know how good it is.

And that takes a lot of courage to say what you just said, a true man.

PS - I love you bunches, and so do a lot of people here. <3 Don't ever forget that okay?

10-05-13, 11:51 PM
To be fair, I'm on higher doses of multiple antibiotics, and from past experience I know antibiotics reduce the efficacy of my antidepressants (No idea if there have been any conclusive studies on this.)

So I probably *am* depressed. :)

Still no idea what I will do for leisure and subsistence in the not so near but not all that far future though....

10-05-13, 11:57 PM
No support, no sympathy, but perhaps a little combat:

OK, taking it as a given that what you've been working on is no good (I don't really believe that, but for the sake of argument I'll go along, and anyway you might really be right).

But... Really? You can't come up with one good idea for something you could do instead? You've thought it through, and every last GdDmned possibility is worthless? You couldn't have thought of very many then.

There's lots of relatively-easy stuff you can make some money at. You wouldn't be rich, but there'd be no need for extreme poverty, and no need for feeling like "I'm stuck working for a living in this hole" - which is something I don't want or accept either.

10-06-13, 12:04 AM
1. I cant work more than 25 hours a week. Absolute maximum.

2. I can't work in the private sector (commercial-industrial-financial complex) - the people / environment / immorality makes me ill.

3. My aptitudes are of the Math / Science / Econ variety - I have ZERO "creative" aptitudes like art, music, acting and so forth.

10-06-13, 12:09 AM
1. I cant work more than 25 hours a week. Absolute maximum.

2. I can't work in the private sector (commercial-industrial-financial complex) - the people / environment / immorality makes me ill.

3. My aptitudes are of the Math / Science / Econ variety - I have ZERO "creative" aptitudes like art, music, acting and so forth.
OK... #1 and #2 are fine,... but I'm stuck because of #3 - your strengths are more or less the mirror-image (no, that's not right... the opposite? the converse?... the other ones!) of mine and I have no experience with those possibilities. I'll have to just leave it at that.

10-06-13, 12:58 AM
I *am* posting a vid of me singing as soon as Bella can convert it from mp3 to a video format - my processor overheats etc.

10-06-13, 01:30 AM
Abi pragmatic is good. Just keep in mind that things might change or that you might be lwrong. I mean keep your options open. if not research how about teaching?

Ias a kid I used to pretty good at writing. Short stories. I could never quite write anything longer. But I lost it when I moved to English speaking countries. Now I'm neither fluent in language I grew up with nor English. And I'm way too confused anyway to dstring two coherent sentences together now. I like your style. I loved reading the descriptions of settings in the vamp game. I remember reading a chapter of a space story you started and I liked that too.

Sorry blabbering.I Don't have a point. I think you are amazing so whatever you do our don't do I hope you'll find some happiness in it or at least some fun. . :grouphug::grouphug:

Can't wait for your video.:D

10-06-13, 01:33 AM
The settings for the Vamp Games were ghostwritten.


10-06-13, 01:37 AM
Ghost written as in by someone else? In settings I include the descriptions of the stands and summaries of what happened in the night etc. Those were brilliant and whoever wrote them I loved it. Can't wait for the next game. Revenge?

10-06-13, 01:49 AM

No, only the intros on the first page were ghostwritten.

10-06-13, 01:59 AM
I *am* posting a vid of me singing as soon as Bella can convert it from mp3 to a video format - my processor overheats etc.

Sorry it took so long. Vid is ready, need your help to post it.

<3333333333333 you you're hilar

10-06-13, 06:39 AM
i liked what I read of your novel.

10-06-13, 07:21 AM
you seem to like computers . is there a possibility that you could work on / fix them?

its a work at your own pace. plus i hear it brings in a halfway decent income.

<3 u

10-06-13, 11:53 AM, i see your bolded text about no support and that you're fine

but i'm gonna go ahead and call ********

you posted that for a reason and in the exchange that followed you explained why each effort at another path wouldn't work out

so...what's the reason? if it were simply a statement of it pragmatic to make such a statement?

i think a significant percentage of the population has a notion of "once life becomes unlivable i will choose to end it"... i sure as hell do.

so... you don't want support or sympathy... what do you want, love? in making this thread... consciously or subconsciously...what are you looking to confirm or negate? if everyone makes a suggestion and you can refute it does that confirm your take is sound? are you hoping that someone will offer something that does refute it ...something you can't see yourself but you're hoping exists? are the antibiotics taking you for a ride and you're frustrated with self and tired of struggling?

i love you so much and i know i've been unreachable a lot for awhile, but i'm still here and you are too and that's something. we've made so many mistakes but we've triumphed, my friend, and i think we can again. if your'e going to leave when you run out of things to keep you here... all i can say is whenever, whatever that might be that keeps you here... let it. x

10-06-13, 12:01 PM
the OP was originally a reply to a thread in adult ed. about grad school, but i started rambling, and went way off topic, so it was mutually agreed between myself and an adult ed. section mod to make it its own thread in a more appropriate section.

love you too.

10-06-13, 12:02 PM
ah....i see. spanks for clarification x

10-06-13, 12:11 PM
Be cautious and specific in specifying your "can'ts".

Everybody has things they can't or won't do; there's no point arguing "anything is possible", because anything isn't possible.

BUT ... your things that you can't do sound like conclusions, and some pretty questionable conclusions at that. Would you be willing to back up one step, and bring in the observations of what you can't do, instead of the conclusions?

10-06-13, 12:17 PM
Can't work over 25 hours - been there, done that, too tiring, also, too much of my LIFE is WASTED.

Can't work in commercial enviro - have worked for both a huge corporate and a smaller biz - literally drove me mad.

Lack of "artistic" aptitudes, for which my personality is more suited is self evident. You can listen to me singing on "The Fun Thread". I can also draw some stick figures if you like. :) :)

10-06-13, 01:05 PM
Jeez abi that's kind of nihilistic in thinking, gee lete see the store ran out of hershey bars so im gonna off myself seems like the same I kind of stinking thinking going on to me.Now cancer disease or a tragic accident that mangled you I would say yes your right

10-07-13, 07:20 PM
Tough love fails epically when dealing with someone who is suicidal.


I have had very similar suicidal thoughts as you describe. The thing is that they felt pragmatic to me, too. But it's depression and a couple other things I can't really explain properly.

10-07-13, 08:00 PM
Tough love?
I wouldn't advocate for that personally
I'm more "harm reduction" in approach and what I respond to
But I can only speak for self
The rough love mention confuses me?
I don't think I read others' posts much so maybe it wasn't mine.

Oh! Right I remember why I'm posting again: I know someone who is more responsive to that approach. I'm not naming names but that's what is characterize what has often kept him here as being
Unless I don't understand tough love
Which is possible

10-07-13, 08:12 PM
I just mean starting out by scolding someone is generally not the best approach to dealing with suicide.

'Cause there was scolding.

10-07-13, 08:18 PM
I havent read your novel im sure its very good, you have alot of talent that you should give yourself more credit.Who does like working anyway s? Lol I know its your life but I hope you dont end your life early.