View Full Version : Worried I'm spiraling into another major depressive episode.


atSWIMtooboreds
10-19-13, 04:48 PM
For the past ten days or so:
- No resiliency; feel like my heart and brain are made of eggshell.
- Seeing personal slights everywhere and feeling bad about doing things that objectively were not wrong to do.
- Back and forth between extreme (uncharacteristic) tearfulness and just plain (uncharacteristic) numbness.
- Contraction of times to which I feel I can project myself (e.g. right now, tonight and maybe tomorrow, not next week and certainly not next month).
- Urge to drink more or less all the time to "turn it off".

I already have appointments scheduled, but I figured I would let people know what was going on with me. It's been a few years since this has really hit me in an extended way, but I feel like this one could take a while if I'm not careful, so I'm making sure to reach out for support wherever I can.

Amtram
10-19-13, 05:54 PM
Do you have problems with seasonal depression?

midnightstar
10-19-13, 06:34 PM
I hope you feel better soon swim :grouphug:

Simenora
10-19-13, 07:27 PM
have you looked into midfulness based stress reduction therapy. I faced a major depressive episode several years ago and used exercise and mbsr to speed my recovery. it also helps prevent relapse

MX2012
10-20-13, 03:07 AM
Hi atSwim --

Hold on. Let this pass.

You have a way with words when you describe your depressive turn of mind. I can feel your precarious frame of mind.

I don't know if writing helps you, but give it at try. Write out what you are feeling but also what your hopes are for the future.

Take care.

stef
10-20-13, 03:26 AM
when you can put it into words like this, its good!
keep coming back and posting here
be kind to yourself and super careful with sleep andrest

RicardoBogie
10-20-13, 08:25 AM
have you looked into midfulness based stress reduction therapy. I faced a major depressive episode several years ago and used exercise and mbsr to speed my recovery. it also helps prevent relapse

I agree 100%.

In order to understand how mindfulness helps ( and helps prevent relapse )..."The Mindful Way Through Depression" explains it. I listened to the audio. Its a lot of text... the audio is easier to handle.

Most importantly, do meditate. I have my favorite Jon Kabat-Zinn meditations on my I-Pod. I listen to them every day. I even listen to them at the gym with my headphones: this while the loud funky music plays in the background. I listen to them more attentively at times and sometimes they are like a background to my life experience.

Many people in this forum have attested to the benefits of meditation. Neuroscience validates it. It goes much further though. There are thousands of people who listen to Mindfulness meditations every day. A woman who had recently discovered Mindfulness stated.. "Finally I can come home." Its like that for a lot of people. Very liberating.

Mindfulness is more than healing. Its a new way of relating to our existence, to our life experience.

RicardoBogie
10-20-13, 01:34 PM
PS: the "3 minute breathing space " is one of the cornerstones of MBCT ( Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy ) as explained in the audio book I suggested.

Its easy to learn and practice: the results are amazing.

If you google " 3 minute breathing space " you will find more than enough information to get started on this practice.

atSWIMtooboreds
10-20-13, 03:14 PM
Thank you everyone for caring.

I appreciate what you guys said about writing. There is something about depression that makes writing easier, which makes it almost welcome in a sense. I am also trying to be less inhibited with my friends about how I'm feeling this time. It's hard on them, but I am already doing better than I have before in that I don't generally feel like I have to be ashamed about what's going on.

I don't really have problems with seasonal depression. This is a normal atypical thing where a few things went badly in my life simultaneously and I fell apart. It doesn't help that I've been off the Wellbutrin I was prescribed in the past because I thought I might have ADHD. Of course, I'm not sure I want to be back on the Wellbutrin, and I'll probably ask if they see a possibility for an off-label Adderall prescription. The problem is probably dopaminergic one way or another, so there you go.

I will look into mindfulness; I never really have before. Meditation is not something I'm good at. I have been trying to walk around listening to music and not really letting too many thoughts pass through my brain "out loud", as it were. I walked around for something like four or five hours yesterday. Maybe I will again tonight. It doesn't really feel as though I can do anything right now, so walking is about as productive as I can be.

I am starting to buy a little bit into the theory of depression as inappropriate sickness behavior - i.e., I'm not sick, but I'm oversensitive to physical and emotional pain, my limbs feel heavy, I don't feel like doing anything, etc. This is helping me cope a bit, as I get to say something like "Take it easy on yourself. You're sick." whenever I get too self-critical. I have also been self-medicating with alcohol, although I made it a rule that I won't drink alone while I'm in this episode. I know that might bother some of you a bit, but it's helping me cope, too, for now.

All in all I think I am doing much better than I have in the past when I've hit an episode like this. Most of all, I've recognized the problem quickly and I've reached out to people for support. I just hope it ends soon, because sometimes the pain just crushes me, and I can hardly think about anything else.

RicardoBogie
10-20-13, 03:36 PM
sometimes the pain just crushes me, and I can hardly think about anything else.

Another option comes to mind....
I read about how some people can have pain and over sensitivity in "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross. She advocates Vit B and DLPA. Both have been written about and studied in relation to over sensitivity and depression.

Amazon has limited resources dedicated to DLPA, however "The Mood Cure" is still available. I read it at the library and then bought it. I consider it a valuable resource because it has insights I haven't seen elsewhere.

DLPA is an amino acid. Swanson's Vitamins carries both the DLPA and DPA versions of this amino.

http://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=dlpa&rh=n%3A916520%2Ck%3Adlpa