View Full Version : It's not a cry you can hear at night


Fuzzy12
11-04-13, 07:57 AM
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

I'm just drifting. Day in, day out. I've got no plan and no clue what I'm supposed to be doing or even what I'd like to be doing. Sometimes survival seems enough and at other times nothing seems enough.

I'm anxious and stressed. I haven't done any real work in weeks again, or probably in months. It's all accumulating above my head like an avalanche and I feel incapable of helping myself.

Every day is just passing by and I feel as if I've neither learnt nor grown in any way. On the contrary, every day I feel more confused and more lost than before. And every day I feel more empty. It seems like ageing is an exercise in ticking off boxes about things that mean nothing to you.

I'm not functioning very well, but does it matter? Even if I did function better, my life would still be empty and meaningless. The only difference would be that I might be too occupied, too gainfully employed to notice.

I feel broken and I feel colder and colder every day.

Sorry, just indulging in a bit of self pity again.

daveddd
11-04-13, 08:16 AM
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

sarek
11-04-13, 08:51 AM
Even if you think you are not getting anywhere and not changing, thats not true. There will come a time when you understand why sometimes things must be as they are. You are not wasting any time Fuzzy, don't be afraid.

Abi
11-04-13, 09:24 AM
I feel exactly the same.

I'm not interested in ANYTHING.

I've spent the last decade ticking of boxes on a list of things that at worst make me sick or at best bore me to death.

dvdnvwls
11-04-13, 12:15 PM
Sometimes survival seems enough and at other times nothing seems enough.

...

Even if I did function better, my life would still be empty and meaningless.
If your life was full and meaningful, how would you know?

Fuzzy12
11-04-13, 12:22 PM
If your life was full and meaningful, how would you know?

I wouldn't. I'd never know. Even if there's a meaning, I'd never know.



Considering how futile and empty I believe everything is, it's pretty funny how worked up I'm getting about not being able to do my futile and empty job. :lol:

:doh:

I'm going crazy :(

dvdnvwls
11-04-13, 01:00 PM
I wouldn't. I'd never know. Even if there's a meaning, I'd never know.
But you just said you knew... you said it would still be empty and meaningless even if you functioned better, which means you think you're aware that it's currently very low on meaning but not right at zero. I'm not sure whether your assessment is accurate, but you do act as if you believe you know whether your life is meaningful.


Considering how futile and empty I believe everything is, it's pretty funny how worked up I'm getting about not being able to do my futile and empty job. :lol:

:doh:

I'm going crazy :(
If you believed everything really was that futile and empty, you wouldn't have posted here, and you wouldn't feel like you're going crazy. The people who really believe the "basic futility and emptiness" idea have no problem whatsoever living with it.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:


You seem to keep saying gloomy and somewhat-deadly things, but at the same time your better mind or inner mind (or whatever that is) continues to ignore all that controversy and make you write posts that all say "I really know that I'm good, and really I want to live and make meaning and be happy!" I'm impressed, and glad to see you do such a poor job of neutralizing your real self. :)

Why not just talk to it, instead of trying to angrily shout it down from across the room? You're beating yourself up, and the most important thing about the hug I'm about to give you is that, when someone else is that near, you're embarrassed to let them see you treat yourself that way.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
11-04-13, 01:20 PM
But you just said you knew... you said it would still be empty and meaningless even if you functioned better, which means you think you're aware that it's currently very low on meaning but not right at zero. I'm not sure whether your assessment is accurate, but you do act as if you believe you know whether your life is meaningful.

It's not currently low on meaning, it's always low on meaning irrespective of what I do, just by virtue of being human. If I don't know the meaning, and I've got no way of finding out then for all practical purposes, there is no meaning that I can pursue.

Imagine you have to go from point A to point B, but you've got no idea where point B is or if it even exists. You've got a map, sat nav, a tracker, etc. but without knowing anything about point B, all those tools are useless. In fact, you don't even know if you should go to point B. You might equally go to point C, D, E. It doesn't matter and of course you've got no idea where C, D, E, etc. are either. So you just keep running around like a headless chicken between various points, never knowing if you are on the right track, if you might not have reached point B already or if point B exists. With absolutely nothing to go on, it doesn't matter where you go or how you get there.



If you believed everything really was that futile and empty, you wouldn't have posted here, and you wouldn't feel like you're going crazy. The people who really believe the "basic futility and emptiness" idea have no problem whatsoever living with it.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:


I do believe it. Doesn't mean, I need to like it. My ego is way too big to just accept the fact that me, my life, everything is just meaningless.


You seem to keep saying gloomy and somewhat-deadly things, but at the same time your better mind or inner mind (or whatever that is) continues to ignore all that controversy and make you write posts that all say "I really know that I'm good, and really I want to live and make meaning and be happy!" I'm impressed, and glad to see you do such a poor job of neutralizing your real self. :)


I really want to live. That's the problem. if I didn't want to live, there'd be no problem.


Why not just talk to it, instead of trying to angrily shout it down from across the room? You're beating yourself up, and the most important thing about the hug I'm about to give you is that, when someone else is that near, you're embarrassed to let them see you treat yourself that way.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:


Huh?

Daydreamin22
11-04-13, 01:39 PM
I've been there. Hugs fuzzy and Abi!

dvdnvwls
11-04-13, 01:46 PM
Huh?
Oops. The word "it" refers to your real self, which I metaphorically imagined you had shoved to the opposite side of the room in order to give your unkind false self more space.

Abi
11-04-13, 02:38 PM
Fuzz I *SO* hear you - you have no idea.

We definitely both fell from the same apple tree...

Fuzzy12
11-04-13, 02:56 PM
Oops. The word "it" refers to your real self, which I metaphorically imagined you had shoved to the opposite side of the room in order to give your unkind false self more space.

I got the "it" bit. I was more confused about the embarassment bit. I think I get though what you are saying. :)


Fuzz I *SO* hear you - you have no idea.

We definitely both fell from the same apple tree...

Side note: I was thinking earlier today if Newton had ADHD, the world today would probably be a very different place.

Newton watches apple fall from tree and thinks: "Hey, that apple must have been pulled by some kind of force towards the earth. Fascinating. I should go home and do lots of research on that. Could be important....Oh look, what an adorable squirrel trying to grab that apple.... Hm, what was I thinking again? Something about apples? I must be hungry." Newton goes home and bakes himself an apple pie instead of discovering gravity. :doh:

Or probably somebody else would have discovered it. Good thing not all humans have ADHD...

dvdnvwls
11-04-13, 03:38 PM
I got the "it" bit. I was more confused about the embarassment bit.
Generally, I think you know that beating yourself up is a mistake, and that you tend to do it more when no one is near you, hiding it when someone friendly comes around. Being mean to yourself is a lonely business.

Diony
12-19-13, 10:43 PM
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

I'm just drifting. Day in, day out. I've got no plan and no clue what I'm supposed to be doing or even what I'd like to be doing. Sometimes survival seems enough and at other times nothing seems enough.

I'm anxious and stressed. I haven't done any real work in weeks again, or probably in months. It's all accumulating above my head like an avalanche and I feel incapable of helping myself.

Every day is just passing by and I feel as if I've neither learnt nor grown in any way. On the contrary, every day I feel more confused and more lost than before. And every day I feel more empty. It seems like ageing is an exercise in ticking off boxes about things that mean nothing to you.

I'm not functioning very well, but does it matter? Even if I did function better, my life would still be empty and meaningless. The only difference would be that I might be too occupied, too gainfully employed to notice.

I feel broken and I feel colder and colder every day.

Sorry, just indulging in a bit of self pity again.

Amen! Think you were speaking about me lol, i try to fight it, volunteer sometimes i feel more normal if i think im helping!
:thankyou: :goodpost: i love that song btw!

yellowflowers
01-24-14, 05:34 PM
[I] no clue what I'm supposed to be doing or even what I'd like to be doing. Sometimes survival seems enough and at other times nothing seems enough.

I'm anxious and stressed. I haven't done any real work in weeks again, or probably in months. It's all accumulating above my head like an avalanche and I feel incapable of helping myself.

Every day is just passing by and I feel as if I've neither learnt nor grown in any way.

XXX I hear you. It can seem unbelievably bleak at times.

And the shifting standards. The measuring boll - one hour it's ok if achieve nothing more than getting dressed. Next hour it's like nothing I achieve is enough.

Fuzzy12
03-24-14, 11:55 PM
This board is littered with my threads. It's strange to see these old posts now when I think the crisis is worse than ever. I wwonder if i knew then how much deeper i could still fall.I guess I'm always in crisis mood. Have been for 10 years. Maybe that's the only way I know to live.

Yeah I know I need help. I need to stop making stupid threads on here and stop abusing everyone as therapists. I don't v want to. Making stupid threads is much more fun. In way too overwhelmed to do anything. A deer in the headlights but a deer that's for a phone and pulls it out to post in the glare of the headlights while it's waiting for the crash. Maybe the deer can't escape the crash but just doesn't want to die alone.

In never going to crash though I guess. It's been 10 years. I get closer and closer but I'm still alive. Maybe this stupid dear is just mistaking streetlamps for headlights.

I'm rambling. Half asleep. Don't want to sleep. Don't want to wake up. I need a break but I'm too overwhelmed to even ask for one. So I just keep going. Like the little energizer bunny except that I'm neither pink nor fluffy nor cute.

Sorry just pity partying. Like the clown except that he was a lot better at it. Hedidn't hate himself I think. He v wasn't this pathetic. Or maybe he did and he was but he liked himself enough for self pity. Or maybe he was just too tired to do anything else

sarek
03-25-14, 03:28 AM
This board is littered with my threads. It's strange to see these old posts now when I think the crisis is worse than ever. I wwonder if i knew then how much deeper i could still fall.I guess I'm always in crisis mood. Have been for 10 years. Maybe that's the only way I know to live.

Yeah I know I need help. I need to stop making stupid threads on here and stop abusing everyone as therapists. I don't v want to. Making stupid threads is much more fun. In way too overwhelmed to do anything. A deer in the headlights but a deer that's for a phone and pulls it out to post in the glare of the headlights while it's waiting for the crash. Maybe the deer can't escape the crash but just doesn't want to die alone.

In never going to crash though I guess. It's been 10 years. I get closer and closer but I'm still alive. Maybe this stupid dear is just mistaking streetlamps for headlights.

I'm rambling. Half asleep. Don't want to sleep. Don't want to wake up. I need a break but I'm too overwhelmed to even ask for one. So I just keep going. Like the little energizer bunny except that I'm neither pink nor fluffy nor cute.

Sorry just pity partying. Like the clown except that he was a lot better at it. Hedidn't hate himself I think. He v wasn't this pathetic. Or maybe he did and he was but he liked himself enough for self pity. Or maybe he was just too tired to do anything else

Lets just forget that you said "stupid threads" and "abusing everyone" okay?!? I will forgive you for saying that.

One of the absolute worst things you can do is to lie to yourself by not speaking out what is on your mind. If you close up, its going to ramble in there forever and you'll come to hate not only yourself but the world for not listening to what you are not telling them.

I did that for far too many years and its got me into a festering swamp of alternating hate and despair.

Stevuke79
03-25-14, 04:03 AM
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Stevuke79
03-25-14, 04:30 AM
Fuzzy, forgive me for stating the obvious, but every time you post a thread so many people on the forum respond and say that not only do they care and are thinking of you, but that they've felt the same way. Clearly you're not abusing anyone.

And we all post, read and reply all the time, collectively probably zillions of hours experience; so we're a good judge of threads hence yours clearly aren't stupid. Post away, we miss it when you don't.

Corina86
03-25-14, 10:11 AM
This board is littered with my threads. It's strange to see these old posts now when I think the crisis is worse than ever. I wwonder if i knew then how much deeper i could still fall.I guess I'm always in crisis mood. Have been for 10 years. Maybe that's the only way I know to live.

Yeah I know I need help. I need to stop making stupid threads on here and stop abusing everyone as therapists. I don't v want to. Making stupid threads is much more fun. In way too overwhelmed to do anything. A deer in the headlights but a deer that's for a phone and pulls it out to post in the glare of the headlights while it's waiting for the crash. Maybe the deer can't escape the crash but just doesn't want to die alone.

In never going to crash though I guess. It's been 10 years. I get closer and closer but I'm still alive. Maybe this stupid dear is just mistaking streetlamps for headlights.

I'm rambling. Half asleep. Don't want to sleep. Don't want to wake up. I need a break but I'm too overwhelmed to even ask for one. So I just keep going. Like the little energizer bunny except that I'm neither pink nor fluffy nor cute.

Sorry just pity partying. Like the clown except that he was a lot better at it. Hedidn't hate himself I think. He v wasn't this pathetic. Or maybe he did and he was but he liked himself enough for self pity. Or maybe he was just too tired to do anything else

I'm not going to tell you how you beat yourself up for no reason, since I already told you that. I just wanted to say, and I know it's gonna sound weird, but here it goes anyway...

Regarding you "using" me as online therapists, the only problem is I'm not qualified therapists. Otherwise, trying to help you, doesn't make me feel bad; quite the contrary, it makes me sort of good with myself...:umm1: Because I do like to help people, but I'm too lazy to do anything and too cheap to give money away. But it doesn't cost a dime to give someone an advice and I don't have to get my butt off the chair either, so it's quite nice :confused:.

I don't take pleasure in other people's misery, I really don't (unless I really really hate them, but that's not the case here), however I do like this for some reason...I don't know about others, I can only talk for myself and myself is pretty screwed up in certain aspects, but this is the truth... I wouldn't be here posting this if it didn't give me some weird messed up sense of satisfaction. :umm1:

Corina86
03-25-14, 10:12 AM
Oh, and also, you're one of the people I can relate to best on this forum. I really loved your posts about daydreaming, because I always felt like a freak for having weird fantasies, but know at least I'm not alone (which makes being a freak totally non-bothersome anymore :p).

FroGpants
03-25-14, 10:24 AM
Story of my life. And what I try to fight so hard every single day.

(((Big hugs))) It sucks :(