View Full Version : My ah ha moment...


needserenity
11-04-13, 08:22 PM
I was sitting at the hospital today while my sister had day surgery (she's fine) and had a lot of time on my hands so I started reading a book I had picked up about the effects of adhd on relationships. It was like reading about my own life. My fears, frustrations and mistakes all in black and white right before my eyes. I realized how awful I have made the man I love feel about himself, feel about us.... I never meant to.

I called my old therapist and made an appointment for myself, I managed to get an appointment for Joe with a doctor who has a good reputation and will hopefully be able to help and then I called Joe just to say I love you. I wanted to say - I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't understand. But decided that might be a bit too much for a phone call.

I've always firmly believed that actions speak louder than words... until today. Ah Ha! Today is the day that I stop trying so hard to figure out what everything he does means and appreciate more the person I fell in love with. Today is the day that I start forgiving both our mistakes and start trying things differently. I get it now. I might forget at times, I'm not perfect either but I'm going to try

RedHairedWitch
11-04-13, 09:02 PM
Ever been running to catch the bus on time on a windy, blustery, rainy day where you can barley see where you're going? Then suddenly, the bag of groceries you're carrying breaks and everything falls out, so you are scrambling to gather it all up and figure out how to carry with a hole in your bag. You can see the bus coming and you know that if you don't catch it, you will be late and no matter how you explain your tardiness, the person waiting for your arrival will be upset with you for being late and bringing home groceries that are wet and muddy.

This is what it's like to live with ADHD 24/7.

We are too busy rushing, worrying, trying to balance everything, while struggling to see what is going on to have much of a plan, intention or hidden meaning behind our words and actions. Knowing the whole time that are about to catch heck from our loved ones.

dvdnvwls
11-04-13, 10:10 PM
I was sitting at the hospital today while my sister had day surgery (she's fine) and had a lot of time on my hands so I started reading a book I had picked up about the effects of adhd on relationships. It was like reading about my own life. My fears, frustrations and mistakes all in black and white right before my eyes. I realized how awful I have made the man I love feel about himself, feel about us.... I never meant to.

I called my old therapist and made an appointment for myself, I managed to get an appointment for Joe with a doctor who has a good reputation and will hopefully be able to help and then I called Joe just to say I love you. I wanted to say - I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't understand. But decided that might be a bit too much for a phone call.

I've always firmly believed that actions speak louder than words... until today. Ah Ha! Today is the day that I stop trying so hard to figure out what everything he does means and appreciate more the person I fell in love with. Today is the day that I start forgiving both our mistakes and start trying things differently. I get it now. I might forget at times, I'm not perfect either but I'm going to try
Thanks needserenity for this update. It's not easy, but with a lot of awareness and a lot of compromising from both of you, you can do it.

Was Joe OK about having you make an appointment on his behalf? Some people are OK with it, others freak when their spouse makes them an appointment - especially with a new doctor. If you and Joe had already discussed it and this was just the result of the discussion, then definitely no biggie.

About others making appointments and freaking out - I see it sort of like this: You making an appointment for me with a new ADHD doctor I haven't met would be a bit like me making an appointment for you with a new gynecologist who you haven't met. Technically it shouldn't be a problem, but in practice it kind of is. :)

needserenity
11-04-13, 10:55 PM
He's ok with it, he asked me to find someone. The rest is up to him. I want to help but I know there is only so much I can do. Learning all I can and doing my best. Thanks for listening and for your support

dvdnvwls
11-05-13, 02:56 AM
He's ok with it, he asked me to find someone. The rest is up to him. I want to help but I know there is only so much I can do. Learning all I can and doing my best. Thanks for listening and for your support
That's perfect. Keep breathing. Once in a while, smile to yourself, for no reason except that you woke up again this morning. :)

I'm happy for you that you've turned this first corner on the "living with an ADHDer" trip. My ex and I crashed on our way around the same corner, and I'm kind of excited to see where a good start like this is going to lead you.

Fuzzy12
11-05-13, 02:56 AM
I called Joe just to say I love you. I wanted to say - I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't understand. But decided that might be a bit too much for a phone call.

I've always firmly believed that actions speak louder than words... until today. Ah Ha! Today is the day that I stop trying so hard to figure out what everything he does means and appreciate more the person I fell in love with. Today is the day that I start forgiving both our mistakes and start trying things differently. I get it now. I might forget at times, I'm not perfect either but I'm going to try

It's always nice to hear that someone loves you but hearing "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't understand." would mean the world to me, even on the phone, even in a text, even if it's just scribbled on a used tissue.... :)

someothertime
11-05-13, 07:54 AM
:) Nice.

needserenity
11-05-13, 10:06 PM
Fuzzy I have said all those things to him, just didn't want to overwhelm him at that moment. Sometimes less is more with us. Sometimes he's ok when I gush about exactly how I feel and sometimes I just squeeze him as hard and as long as I can.

bunny1
12-28-13, 02:10 PM
anger and the feeling of insecurity in adhd how to control it?

TLCisaQT
01-02-14, 12:18 AM
That is really great NeedSerenity. I truly hope this a great start to better days for you both. I am glad that he let you help and set an appt for him. I truly hope he follows through and that you can both work towards a healthier relationship. The aha moment you had will really help! Keep us updated :)