View Full Version : Long Distance Realtionship with ADD

11-09-13, 02:50 PM
I am new here, a non-ADD partner and I am in distance realtionship with ADD for almost a year. My partner was diagnosed two y ago. We are both from Europe. My english is not so good, please understand. My story.
My relationship was nice till end of sept. Everything was so smooth, we have talked regulary, see each other also, even the distance couldnt affect us. We had mutual plans for the future.. I never have really felt before, what is ADD on my partner, because we never had such incident before. We have never arguing in fact.
Suddenly, from nowhere problems arrived, one after another. It all begin when he for the first time didnt speak to me for 5 days and after that, he went in hospital for 2 weeks. In hospital doctors changed his medicines for ADD. He said these medicines should work better for him. But in next days it all turned upside down. After he came home, there were some days, when he was feeling fine and we talked, some improvement! and we were both happy for that. But after that, bad days again. He has fight his struggle with his head daily. Ups and downs. That I dont mention, that my mood was also begin to switch up and down, because of him. I never knew in last month, what can I expect from each day. I cried a lot. My mood was switching from sadness to anger and helplessness... I was also thinking, that he has another woman. But he said, that he doesnt have. And he has ADD, and thats why I am here now. I said many times to him, that he is not left alone with add and that I want to support him in his efforts, at the moment on the phone, because for now we cant see in person.
He promised so many times, that he would speak to me, but he couldnt make his promise. When I called him, he didnt pick up my calls. He drive me on the edge. Are medicines for ADD helping at all? How quickly can you see, when some medicines are not the right ones for one person? When he got another medicines, we went downhill with full speed in such a short time. It was so obvious. We were talking at that time, that we should see in person soon and we both have agreed, that this is nessesary, but when it came to schedule the date, his answer was : I dont know when. I cant make any plans for the future now, i dont know how i will feel. I can live just for one day at the time, no more. I love you so much, but I cant think about the future.
I am completely different, I always have plans and I always try to reach them and work on them. I commit to goals and to people. I dont want let people down, when they have counted on me.
I am really confused. Because before that downhill, we had mutual plans and goals to relocate and so on, he wrote them even on the paper, so that he didnt forget them. I dont know. I cant talk to nobody about this. Many would say, hey are you getting crazy, he doesnt love you any more. Open your eyes! BUT he has ADD, thats why I dont know, what is true.
But I am asking you, is he fooling me around or is it ADD? I mean, how you cant have any goals in your live even if you have ADD? Is tipical for ADD, that they dont make plans for the future? He told me, that he has always a problem to make a decision. And this was the last disscusion between us, after that, he stopped talk to me.
After that, he was one week totaly silent. I have called him a few times, but no use. I have text him, no answer. His behaviour drives me crazy. 3 days ago he send me mail. He says he understands what I am going through right now. He understands my feelings and he says he still loves me... Before he shutting me out, I didnt understand his conditions (he says in mail and he is partly right), but he said that I did complain about our relationship instead, thats why he has closed and returned on the begining with me. We are on the first step again, so I have understand him. Anyway, he is not feeling ok and he is on medications.

After his mail, I thought, we could go forward somehow, that there is a light for us, but that was just my dream. I did mail him back and encourage him.. and write also about some solutions for us (from professional articles about ADD written by experts!, doctors!, relationships consultants!). He keep makes a distance with me. I hate this. I feel so helpless. This is not my choice for how my relationship should be! I want to be happy in the relationship which I have. But I am not. I have been reading a lot in those past days about ADD and learning to understand him and trying to find the right approach to deal with all this. ADD really affects my relationship. I am so hurt. There is a lot of suffering and pain on my side right now. And I feel like I am not existing for him. I really miss him. There hasnt been a day past by, that I dont have tears in my eyes. And when I am all down, I think to myself: why are you doing this to yourself, why are you still suffering? You ve done all that you could and the best that you could.

I know he ist talking to other people daily, everybody in the world communicates every day!, but he is just not talking to me. Long distance relationship ist hard enought with 2 people, who have a WISH to cooperate with each other. But hell, if you have a partner who never in 2 weeks calls you, never go on skype, refuse any sound communication, maybe a relationship with me is not what he wants?
To date with ADD person is difficult. And distance makes everything worst. I dont see or feel any willingness from his side to adjust to me. But I have read, that also ADD are able to cooperate and making compromise! Am I wrong?

I know that his brain functioned differently as mine, but: If he finds time to do anything else and talk with other people and his brain can function to talk with others, he could also pick up my call or call me. I lost all my logical thinking, I dont know any more what is wrong and what is right! What is true? I was never stupid, but now I become. I think he hates me and blame me for some reason I dont know. Maybe there is something from his past. I am thinking he thinks that I am his enemy.
We are on stage one again. We are not speaking now 15 days. I feel like a dog who has to be trained. And he is my coach. :confused:

11-13-13, 05:41 AM
One thing I have come to understand is that online relationships are more work then they seem to be. When someone who is exclusively in a relationship online, if one person gets in a mood, or just wants a break, they dont have to tell the other person because the idea of them waiting there at the click of a mouse is somehow comforting. Other times, when a person isnt feeling that attached anymore, its very easy to dodge a confrontation or explanation. The idea of "do it tomorrow" is very easy in the online world. That said, it could be the adhd talking BUT you have a right to know where you stand. It might hurt but simply asking why this is happening and whats going on and then saying you wont be contacting this person again unless they respond to you can work. Like I said this is very hard and will hurt but being there waiting at someone's beck and call hurts even more.

11-15-13, 04:37 AM
Thank you, SarahSweets for your reply. I think, he is done with me. Even if I dont get an answer from him, his behaviour is also some kind of message from him. I got it. It hurts me, but thats the way it is. Actually I cant change anything.

I have read in last past days so many posts on this forum with similar situations and I know preety much, where I stand, even if he doesnt say.

Treating someone like that, that you are done with a person, without any word, is personality issue and not ADD. This is my opinion. It could be related with ADD, and i dont say, that is not possible, but to search the excuses for all bad behaviour only in ADD, this is just not right approach.
I think, that most of the ADD persons are nice and good people and they dont mean to hurt non-ADD on purpose, and they can actually stop their behaviour and change, if they want. But if they continue with hurting and treating others badly, this is the matter of personality and not ADD anymore.