View Full Version : Lost job 8 months ago, more sad every day


yunalesca
11-12-13, 12:15 AM
Hi all,

I think this is my first post, so here's a bit of background info. I'm currently on dexedrine spansules 20mg twice a day, but with no drug insurance since I'm unemployed I don't really take it every single day. Most days though.

I lost my job 8 months ago; I didn't disclose my adhd to my employer, and I had worked there for five years. I got a bit of a severance, but savings will run out soon. It was for basically adhd behaviours.

I have a 3 year old son and am also a single mom (kids dad isn't involved at all).

I was diagnosed around ten years ago, and I am 32 right now. After being diagnosed and on Ritalin sr I went to a 2 year college program, did very well, and got the job I lost in the spring.

Worked there for five years. Had a baby part way through. Ran into some sensory challenges with colleagues (loud noises that sort of thing). Moved into a diff role, then out of the blue one day didnt have a job. Didnt even get to pack up my stuff in a box like in the movies; they mailed me most of my stuff in a box.

Had a couple interviews, haven't gotten any offers yet. Was paralysed with fear or whatever emotion for awhile, and now it's basically this extreme sadness.

(Backstory: was on many different various antidepressants before the adhd diagnosis, then when I was on ritalin I felt happy and never wanted to go on another AD. Switched from ritalin sr to adderall a few years ago, and then when I was having issues at work my doc referred me to a super crappy adhd "specialist" who tried me on various meds-vyvanse, concerta, dexedrine- and he settled on dexedrine. )

So I lost my job, didnt really feel sad for awhile, but lately I just can't get over the job loss. I'm so sad all the time, crying all of that, probably anxious, having nightmares about all the old work stuff, and even when I try to organize or clean my place I'm faced with all these work memories (oh those are the clothes I used to wear at work, or there is the box of stuff they mailed me, or anything basically).

I've never been on an antidepressant with a stimulant, and always resisted it because they messed me up before- I had problems encoding memories when on them, and since it was more the adhd problems causing depression the AD never seemed to help-why would they after all.

Now I'm not really sure what I should do. I mean I know I need to get some forward momentum, but I just can't get over what happened. Been so sad and keep playing the what if game, but that just makes me feel worse.

Do antidepressants help when some major episode triggered sadness in adhd people? Is definitely been long enough to qualify as "depression", I'm just not sure if the AD meds that help with chemical imbalances help when the person might not (or might?) have the imbalance? I have no idea if I do or not, I just know that when I was working I was happy enough, and now I don't want to do anything except cry all day.

I guess I probably know the answer... Probably need an AD... I just want others opinions. And I guess which ones work well with dex spansules. I remember reading some scary forum posts about certain ADs before. But not sure which ones.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any comments.

someothertime
11-12-13, 12:58 AM
I'm seeing alot of positives. I want to thank you for coming here to let out your feelings.

You underwent some serious change and momentum... study... medicine... professional status...

For most of us... change that comes too fast... or that brings great fullfillment we can "attach" to. The net effext being that we attach our self worth in an inhealthy way to external things.

Add to that the sudden dismissal. I think anyone would have been emotionally shaken by that.

I feel I would have reacted in a not too dissimilar way.

Can you let us know what other therapy/couching or tools you have/are undertaking to support the diagnosis.

I'm also interested in other outlets you may have.

With regards to AD's... It's a bit clinical for me to address tho it may be beneficial to reflect on the mood component and ebb and flow patterns with relevance to ext3rnal occurrences... I.e. Whether how you feel is a res I lt of how you think or whether how yoi rjink is a result of how you feel.

yunalesca
11-12-13, 01:23 AM
Do you mean to support the adhd diagnosis? Or depression?

I went through a fairly exhaustive day long assessment when I was originally diagnosed, and finally managed to sort of put my life together after that- with the college and then eventually job. (Prior to diagnosis I lost most of my jobs. Fired, fired, laid off, basically a cycle of not getting all the non stated literal aspects of life. Much like school always was. )

I went to a few therapy sessions when I had the issues at work, but then I forgot an appointment and felt too ashamed to go back (only had a limited amount of free sessions).

The adhd "specialist" had a house sized office room, with over a dozen chairs (in the room where we spoke, not just the waiting room). I asked about it and apparently he had group coaching sessions, but they didnt start until September (this was spring/summer). I'd be surprised if he actually did host them, but him and I didn't exactly see eye to eye.

He switched my meds around from 30mg adderall XR and 20mg dexedrine IR to 10 mg vyvanse and then within the week I didn't have a job- so I was never too pleased with him. But he had strange policies, like he blindly absolutely would not prescribe dex IR (and I live in canada so no adderall IR here).

Anyways, he didnt really keep me around long enough for when his sessions supposedly started. So not really relevant info, but I guess I almost tried to get extra help.

Other than meds just basic little life tricks, but never was sure what else to do or where else to do it.

I don't really think its an incorrect diagnosis, not sure if you were getting at that or just asking what else I was doing to help myself, but I've definitely been taking a minimal effort. I found a seemingly good therapist specializing in adhd/ sensitive people issues, but even when I was working I didn't have money for that. Yeah canada will cast your broken arm but not pay for therapy/medications.

The think feel result comment: I'm not sure. I feel like I feel sad because of what happened, but its just not getting better and because of that I don't have energy or motivation to do anything about it. But the "what happened" is a result of how I think. So maybe how I feel is because of how I think?

But it just won't end! And I just don't want to do what I should if it would make me feel better (especially when I have some previous adversion to that thing-AD- because of other old experiences.)

Not many other outlets. I know doing stuff would help, but I just can't bring myself to do almost everything.

someothertime
11-12-13, 02:09 AM
Hey there again. Thanks alot for your response. Was not considering an incorrect diagnosis.

The main reason for my questions is trying to get a little bit more insight into what has contributed / influences where your at right now.

Purely ADHD will have rumination. We won't feel like doing stuff. It's pretty constant unless were hyperfocussing or have built tools to alter our mode of approach. More depressive sources give a more debilitating feel. Like everything is a mountain.

It does sound to me like you'd benefit form a change/more consultation with a pdoc, at least in the medium term. And some support from someone nearby, be it a therapist, great friend, support group et. al. In the interim i know it ain't easy but try narrow you focus a bit, just take whatever means necessary to introduce tiny things that help you feel relaxed, excited, fun, calm etc. etc.


Once you've consulted on the med front, take a look at things like coaching, cbt and develop things and people around you so that life is not so one dimensional. I'm still very early on in that process, it is a constant one and it definately cannot be done alone. So with that side of things you know where to find us :)

yunalesca
11-12-13, 02:34 PM
I know my family doc (who referred me to the adhd expert-psychiatrist who doesnt look very engaged in his job at all, and I'm pretty sure I called him on that in the beginning), anyways, my family doc likes wellbrutin, so I can almost guarantee he will recommend that. Any thoughts on that? Should I post in a different forum? I have no interest in seeing that disengaged expert again, and it sounds like he is the only one around so lucky for him he will always have a job with countless other people with no hope knocking on his referral door. I hate not having choices, but I digress.

Thoughts on wellbrutin with dexedrine? Is that what you meant from a med consult? Like adding a AD? My doc gave me some amitriptyline 10mg (take 1 or 2) for sleep, but I didn't like it and Ive just been taking benedryl which makes me nicely drowsy.

I really don't want to start messing with my adhd meds again. I feel like that's all I've done for all of 2013, and after trying basically all of the options that docs will actually try, I don't see anything better out there.

I haven't really been good at keeping friends over the years. Something always happens and either it's a big deal to me and I can't get over it, or we drift apart because I'm not very good at reciprocating. And lately with the sadness it's almost too much. Or is too much. The showering and getting ready and going out. Or picking up the phone. Or returning text messages.

I've been seeing someone, it started shortly after I lost my job, and he knows about the adhd. He's pretty good at 'nag motivation'? lol... I know what he's saying is always true (whatever I need to do) but it's hard just to want to do anything. And lately he's been talking less of future things that he used to talk about, so it's making me wonder if he's not really seeing things going the distance like he used to. But he's definitely a close friend support. Moreso than anyone else around that's for sure.