View Full Version : Dealing with depression in ADD partner


Hlsv101
11-26-13, 06:53 PM
I am in a fairly new relationship with an ADD guy he has been very open with me about his ADD and everything has been going very well but recently I have noticed his moods have dropped and he seems to be getting depressed.

I am a little stuck how to deal with it. He finds it very difficult to open up and ask for help but I want him to know that I am here and can listen if he needs me to.

I would appreciate any advice on the best way forward and to help him out of his current depression.

Pingu*
11-26-13, 07:17 PM
Hello and welcome :) Very kind of you!

I just want to ask to clarify - how recent is recently, and is his mood consistently low (i.e. no or few "normal" days)?
Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of life experience to give any good advice. :(

(Also, even though from what you're describing it seems like more than a temporary mood swing - I just want to mention, that mood swings is often a part of the disorder (especially ADD with hyperactivity/ADHD). Hyper one day, sluggish and down the other - or both during the same day. It has brought much confusion to my boyfriend!)

Hlsv101
11-27-13, 01:49 AM
We have been together about 6 months and yes he swings from being fine and upbeat to just very down and non responsive. He says he is fine but I know immediately that all is not fine. There seem to be no trigger to the down time moods just he will wake up and boom he is really down. I just don't know best way to deal with it.

Thank you again for any help or suggestions.

dvdnvwls
11-27-13, 02:17 AM
He might really be depressed. If he is, then the things one should ordinarily do with a depressed person would apply. I don't know what those are.

HOWEVER...
Sometimes, what looks like his depression is not depression at all, but an ADHDer's reaction to overwhelming stress. In those cases, "just letting him be" might be what he needs. When he's retreating from stress, help (and especially constant or frequent offers of help) only adds to the stress, making him retreat further and further into a shell, and making him less likely to want to come out again.

My spouse mis-diagnosing my retreats from stress as depression was one of the things that caused great difficulty in my marriage. The more she prodded, the more stressed I got, and the more I needed to hide from her. I told her this, in a clear and understandable manner, and told her I wasn't depressed, but she thought she knew better. She still thinks she knows better, I suppose, but she has left me.

ToneTone
11-27-13, 04:53 PM
I think the advice here has been good. I will add to it. Frankly I'm not sure there is any magic to helping a depressed person get out of their depression.

Allowing the person freedom to talk about it is clearly good I would say to avoid trying to talk them out of feeling depressed. That doesn't work, and often it backfires. The depressed person, who is already vulnerable to feeling like a failure, just feels more like a failure.

I think the best thing a friend can do is to talk to the person about seeking treatment. What helped me to get more aggressive in treating my depression was simply hearing people on the news and hearing friends tell me they were being treated with medication. Over time, that lowered the stigma and resistance I had about taking medication.

Finally, my former girlfriend pointed out one of my most depressive and obsessive habits, and she suggested I seek medication for it. (She was already on medication.) I took her suggestion and started on medication, and my incidence of depression dramatically decreased And ultimately my treatment for depression led me to getting diagnosed and treated with ADHD.

The only thing you can do is encourage the person to get treatment, and treatment does not have to be medication.

It's a fine line--you want to offer support and compassionate listening to a depressed person On the there hand, depressed people by definition suffer from distorted, profoundly negative thinking and hopelessness and you don't want to accept their negativity as unchangeable.

Good luck.

Tone

Daydreamin22
11-27-13, 08:45 PM
For me, there was a symptom that caused the situational depression. It was not getting my work done... I also didnt know I had ADD.

Here is a thread that can probably help you pinpoint cause and effect of situations.(if it's situational depression) you're a great girlfriend and good thing depression is curable. :)
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=152916

Mittens
12-03-13, 01:53 AM
I don't have ADD. I am completely new to the ADD world. (disclaimer) :)
The one I love more than anything does, and he very classically 'gets depressed' (hides) and recently I found out that actually isn't the case at all. What would seem blazingly obvious as someone being depressed - was actually entirely different emotions and a totally different situation.
Does he get lethargic as well?
Does it seem purely emotional or physical as well?
I will not pro port to know much, and it may not be the case at all, but I have learned sometimes to understand situations that aren't maybe 'typical', you need to think of the a-typical and that can help.
Hope that doesn't sound like total gibberish! :)
Mittens

Hangingon
12-06-13, 01:44 AM
My longtime ADHD husband has always been more prone to depression and anxiety during the winter months when the light is less, i.e., seasonal affective disorder. I only bring this up because it seems you have noticed this in these recent months.

My husband has recently taken to sitting under quite bright, near daylight LED lights to help with this. He also tries to be out in daylight as much as possible. And increases his exercise regimen, especially outside, walking, etc., which has been shown to have positive effects on counteracting depression.

Not sure if this will help, but know that ADHDers are more susceptible to depression. Maybe a trip to the beach?!

Brie111
12-23-13, 11:51 AM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> Sorry that you are going through this. I agree with previous posters that what you're describing might not be clinical depression at all, but just a part of his ADHD.

My partner also has intense moods swings and, like your boyfriend, he finds it very difficult to open up about things. A main reason for this is that during his mood swings, he does not understand what he is feeling or why he is feeling it. What I'm trying to say is that your boyfriend might not really think he is fine; instead, he might be confused and frustrated by what he is feeling and unable to understand or verbalize it.
If you do want to talk to your boyfriend about the trend you are seeing in his moods, I would recommend bringing it up when he is in a good mood, as his mood swings likely cloud his perception and make him more likely to get angry or defensive. I think it is also important to have evidence—spend a couple weeks keeping track of when you see the mood swings, such as how many days you notice it. If he is in denial about his mood swings, this sort of evidence might help him realize that he is having a trend of negative moods.

Have you or your partner read any books on ADHD? I've found that reading book such as Driven to Distraction have helped both my partner and I better understand what is going on in his mind. A key thing that we both learned from reading up on ADHD was that it's not his fault that he has mood swings. From my experience and reading, it seems like some people with ADHD can feel guilt and frustration with themselves when they experience negative moods that don’t seem rational to them. If your partner understands why he experiences these mood swings and how they fit within his ADHD, perhaps he would become more able to be open with you about what he is feeling.
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