View Full Version : Tips to help ADD Husband with completing coursework


cydonia1978
11-28-13, 11:49 AM
Hi everyone!

My husband has ADD and depression. His doctor is handling the depression side and has him on medication to help that, but basically dismissed the ADD part and told him "you don't want to be on pills the rest of your life" and didn't offer any help at all (confusing, since he DID put him on pills for the depression.. but anyway).

So right now he's, as always, struggling to deal with his ADD. It is really really hard on him. He cannot stay focused on any one task for too long and doesn't even notice he's no longer doing the first task until a long time has passed (sometimes minutes, sometimes hours). It doesn't seem to matter how important the task is.. even if not completing the task would bring about really negative repercussions, that doesn't help him stay focused.

We need help.. tools, tips, tricks.. to help him manage this. He is between jobs and wants to train for a career. To do so requires that he first take a college course equivalent of PHYS 11 as a prereq, then after that there's a 15-week classroom setting training program prior to getting out in the field and continuing to learn hands-on. It's the hands-on training he needs to get to. Once there, he should do better. We need to help him get through the "book learning" parts. He's petrified of failing and his mind constantly takes over, telling him he will fail, that he can't handle it, that it's not worth even bothering.. and he doesn't seem to have the ability to just tell that part of his mind to leave him alone.. to think positively instead.

I'm sure this all makes sense to others who have strong ADD. I struggle to understand, but I'm trying. Instead of wondering why he can't convince himself the way I can myself, I really hope I can help him find ways to get through it.

I wonder if he needs to insist to his doctor that he needs treatment. I don't know. The doctor also told him there was at least a 2 year waiting period to match up with any psychiatrist, so in other words "don't bother". His doctor is otherwise a great doctor - he's our family doctor and has been for years - but I don't get why he won't help and seems almost discouraging in this way.

And I hear often that medical treatment isn't the only thing to do to treat ADD.. but besides diet and exercise, what are actual coping mechanisms people use to "catch" themselves in their distraction and get back on track, even when whatever they need to do isn't "interesting" or doesn't seem to hold the value that it should?

Sorry this is long and rambly. If you read this far, thank you so much! :)

kilted_scotsman
11-28-13, 12:09 PM
If he needs to get through the book learning part ..... which is quite short... that would be an ideal use for ADD meds......short... targeted and with identifiable measures of improvement.

I would go back to the GP and say... I don't want meds for the rest of my life.... I want to use them to get through this short problematic period of my life.

Secondly.... if it's that important... then it's worth going to a private psych....

OK so your health system is different from mine... I suspected ADHD, realized how ugh it was messing up my life and got my NHS GP to refer me to a private psych for diagnosis and med supervision..... then I returned to my GP with the diagnosis and he slotted me into the NHS prescription system..

I was on meds for a short period while I sorted bits of my life out.... now I'm off meds because I am contra-indicated.

The most important part of the whole strategy was beginning therapy... I used CBT and found it very useful.

So... back to the GP.... get meds short term, and begin some form of therapy to cope with the anxiety/fear of failure.

kilted

RedHairedWitch
11-28-13, 01:02 PM
There are meds that are helpful for both depression and ADHD, such as Wellbrutin. I would suggest talking to the doctor about that.

As a Canadian, you should be able to find an ADHD friendly doctor or p-doc, even if it means sitting on a waiting list. Not sure which part of BC you're in, but most cities also have mental health clinics that you could go to, even if only for referrals. Do some googling and calling around.

If your family doc is not being ADHD friendly, then go find one who is. Remember, you live in a country with one of the best healthcare systems, but you have to be pro-active.

With a proper diagnosis in hand, he should be able to get special allowances from the school, such as extra time for the reading blocks.

dvdnvwls
11-28-13, 02:10 PM
(If cydonia1978 is in northern BC, I could imagine that finding the right psychiatrist within a reasonable time and distance could be a significant problem.)

sarahsweets
11-28-13, 02:19 PM
meds and behavior modification work best.

cydonia1978
11-28-13, 02:30 PM
Thanks so much everyone!

We are in southern BC, so I guess we'll just have to push and search for options. The idea of temporary meds to help through rougher parts is interesting, I didn't really know about/think about that. I agree we definitely need to find a dr that is more willing/able to help with this. As much as I like our family dr for most things, I did not appreciate him basically just telling my husband to "deal with it" without offering any advice/support. It screams that he doesn't understand the issue.

The first course my husband has to take is 30 weeks, the second is 15.. so we'll definitely need lots of ways to help keep him on track. :)

dvdnvwls
11-28-13, 02:45 PM
It sounds like your regular doctor might just be an old-fashioned guy. Nothing wrong with that, most of the time.

I'm in Vancouver, and I was definitely on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist - but it was weeks or months, not years.

There are not that many psychiatrists even interested in ADHD, especially involving adults.

ToneTone
12-01-13, 03:04 PM
Great advice so far and I will echo most of it.

Definitely look for a new gp maybe appeal to the current one first.

Definitely get on the waiting list I can't tell you how many times I was told a waiting list for months, years, decades and that all turned out to be nonsense . always get on the waiting list there is NEVER any harm in doing so . even if the wait is long In fact, I got my current job because I got on a waiting list that was supposedly "two years." Well, two people at the workplace resigned at the same time (got better jobs), and guess what? I got the job right away.

I would also encourage you and the husband to think seriously about the conditions under which he does perform well, and the conditions that bring out his best concentration. And see if he can find a course that has a structure that mimics those conditions. Example: I need lots of structure even though my first instinct is to run from it, to hate it. I have a job where I have a lot of freedom in setting my schedule. I don't even need to come to work every day, as I can work at home or schedule work on the same day.

But I ended up scheduling myself to come in to work every day at the same time. Why? Because I needed the adrenaline rush of a morning appointment to get myself going and out of bed and focused It's the morning appointments that get me to even think about going to bed at a reasonable hour.

It's worth also looking into broader lifestyle issues sleep aids concentration as does exercise and balanced eating that keeps energy from wildly fluctuating. Concentration after exercise is generally vast improved for most people.

Just a few ideas.

Good luck.

Tone

Hangingon
12-06-13, 02:05 AM
Not sure if this will be much help, but I do feel he needs to be on a stimulant in the current situation. If you can't get one quickly as seems to be the sentiment here, then perhaps try some of those energy drinks for stimulation? My long-term ADHD husband seems to think that high caffeine helps him focus.

Years ago, when my husband was struggling through college, he would put earphones on when reading or studying even though there was nothing else distracting and no other sounds going on at all, and read and re-read his books. It took him quite a bit of time, but he kept at it. And you just need to give him all the space and time he needs to do that, including leaving the television and other distractions off. If that means picking up ALL the slack in the meantime, like doing the dishes and paying the bills and doing the laundry while he studies, well, then so be it. And if it means you having to be totally quiet for hours to help him do it, so be it. I came to accept that when it came to tedious work involving reading and/or studying, it would take my husband three times as much time to "get" it as it did me. And then he would still likely have significant test anxiety, no matter how prepared he was.

My husband also put a mini tape recorder in his shirt pocket to record his professor's lectures. They were vital to his getting what he needed to retain the important parts of the course, requiring listening over several times and taking notes while doing so.

We also resorted to index cards for important points. I will admit, I helped him in some of the harder courses and would read the textbook along with him and then have him discuss the points with me and he would then write important points down on index cards for future review. I know that may sound like a bit much, but when I think about it, his success in the class affected my future success as well, so I didn't really mind (and learned some new things as well).

Good luck to you both in your endeavors.

Brie111
12-23-13, 03:49 PM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> This is something that my partner (with ADHD) and I (non-ADHD) have worked through as he completes his degree, and hopefully some of the things he and I tried can be helpful to you:

- One thing that I've noticed is that my partner can focus on his schoolwork better when there is some other stimulus going on around him. Sitting in a silent room just drives him crazy. Often, he will put music on in the background, which seems to help him focus. Of course, this is not the case for everyone with ADD, but it has seemed to help my partner.

- Another thing that is important is to try to avoid asking your husband unrelated questions while he's working on his schoolwork. This can really derail someone with ADHD, and it can be really challenging for them to refocus themselves.

- I think the idea of recording lectures (which another poster mentioned) is very good. I know my partner struggles to focus in long (often boring) lectures. Having a recorded lecture (or even asking if the instructor would be willing to email your husband slideshows or other visual aids used in the lectures) would allow your husband to focus on learning the material after lecture, even if he struggled to focus during lecture.

- Take whatever time you can to get your partner on track and keep him focused. For example, you could help him create a study plan and make sure he sticks to it. If you see that he is not doing schoolwork when he had planned to or is getting distracted, gentle reminders might be helpful. Also, I believe people with ADHD sometimes struggle to complete large projects because it feels like there are a million places to start and they aren't sure what to tackle first. In these cases, I sometimes sit with my partner and we brainstorm how he can best tackle the project. He explains the project to me, and we work together to break it down into an outline or into a bunch of smaller sections that he can work on one at a time. This seems to minimize the feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated by the project.

- You mentioned that your husband has a lot of fear and worries about failing in his education. I think some of the best support you can provide to him is to be positive and point out the successes he has had. Sometimes, these successes need to be understood in terms of the ADHD. So, if you see that he is really doing a good job of staying on task and not getting distracted, let him know! As your husband, I'm sure he really respects and appreciates your opinions, and I'm sure it will make him feel good to know that you recognize the effort he is putting in and the success he has experienced.

- One final thing that might be important is for both of you to develop a better understanding of your husband’s past experiences with education. Of course, I don’t know anything about his circumstances, but I do know that my partner (who had undiagnosed ADHD until adulthood) was often treated poorly by teachers when he struggled to follow directions on homework assignments or to complete assignments. Because he received good scores on tests, year after year teachers would accuse him of being lazy. He started to internalize these negative feelings about education and himself, and it impacted how he approached education in his adult life. If you and your husband haven’t already talked a lot about his experiences with education in primary and secondary school, it might be helpful for him to gain more understanding about how his past experiences could be causing anxiety now. Books such as “Driven to Distraction,” which should be available for purchase online, provide some great case studies about the experiences of people with ADHD in school (and in many other aspects of life). Reading some of these case studies might prompt him to think about his own experiences and their role in some of the psychological barriers he is now facing.


Good luck to both of you!


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