View Full Version : I think I might have ADD...please help because I really hate myself!


kayder
12-02-13, 03:01 PM
Well basically I'm quite useless at mist things I do. My job is really taking a knock as I can't manage to hide it from people so much anymore. I try to play the ditzy blonde girl and laugh at myself a lot...not step on anyone's toes and stay out of the way but honestly I think my lack of attention to details as well as the fact that I can hardly concentrate on what people are saying to me is becoming rather obvious and i have heard nasty comments from others about me being useless and lazy. My friends think it's down to stress and my divorce from my emotionally abusive ex but I just feel like I live in my own little world most of the time and I don't know how to be normal. I have always been like this. I was appalling at school...always in trouble never had my homework or the right book with me or forgot to study for an exam etc.

I actually managed to run my own event company very successfully for 5 years tho from the age of 24. I loved it and I was really good at it and made lots of money and was quite successful. My ex made me sell and after having children and being a single mum I just don't have the time to do anything like that.

Whenever I get motivated to really do something I go over the top and into over drive and work at 200 percent. The rest of the time I just daze around a bit trying to hold my life together.

I'm not even sure if this makes sense but It's hard to explain. I'm getting really depressed and feel like a total failure. I try not to stay in a job for longer than a year because I'm sure I will get fired and anyway I'm usually bored beyond belief at that point anyway. I'm 34 and the longest employed job I've had is for under 2 years? Where could I get tested for Add?

narcisskeptic
12-02-13, 05:26 PM
While I'm only 21, and haven't dealt with marriage or having my own children, I can most definitely relate to the way that you're feeling and to your situation. From what you're saying, it's highly likely that you do have ADHD, and seeking help (and even just doing research/participating in forums) will help you learn a whole lot about yourself, and help you to not be so critical of your behavior. I know it did for me.

I'm also a woman, and I've had a great deal of issues throughout my life, and they just seem to get worse and worse as the years go on.

1. I've never been broken up with. That might seem like an insignificant detail to some, but my relationships have ALWAYS ended with either "I'm bored of you" or me doing something completely stupid (cheating on someone I was very close to, and cared deeply about, and dated for two and a half years). Relationship issues are only the half of it of course.

2. When it came to school, I didn't struggle greatly, but I never felt like I was where I should be. I don't remember much about elementary school except that my desk was always the least organized. In middle school my grades were terrible due to just not turning in assignments and daydreaming/drawing/reading during class. I always felt alienated from my peers. During high school I got this spurt of motivation because "it counts now better do good so you can get into college," and got straight A's freshman year, but it was all downhill from there.

I got a 3.6 GPA for my freshman year of college, but then failed two straight semesters.

3. I was called lazy, irresponsible, immature, you name it by my parents. I always felt like the dumb friend. "Ooooh that's just Jocelyn she does/says dumb **** all the time lol whatevs" and while it was nice to have friends that could tolerate my erratic and seemingly immature behavior, it started to get old after a while always feeling like the ****-up.

4. I get addicted to anything that makes me feel calm, or helps me escape. I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for 3 years and it seems like I can never get any headway. Something that's common amongst ADHDers is that, especially if we're undiagnosed, we find some sort of vice whether it be drugs, relationships, sex, anything, unhealthy or not, that helps us cope with our frantic, disorganized, chaotic minds. Not to mention all the picking, nervous habits. I bite my nails, my cheeks, twirl my hair. I can zone out for ages just engaging in one of these pointless stims.

5. I totally relate to the getting SUPER MOTIVATED and operating at 200% thing, we call that "hyper focusing" in the ADHD world, and it's very common. About a month ago I spent 15 straight hours folding 140 pieces of origami for a set of string lights I was using to decorate my room. It might seem like it could be an advantage, but really it's just another thing that distracts us from what's actually important (99% of the time the thing I hyper focus on is completely irrelevant to anything important to my life at the moment).

But I don't feel like I'm lazy, I like doing work, I hate not having a job. But I've been fired twice, once very recently, and got my hours cut at the job I have now because of a "disagreement" with my boss. And it's been so difficult for me to get up the motivation to find a new/better job, even though I want one so badly and I feel like a leech because my parents and my boyfriend have to constantly bail me out. And I don't know why I can't sustain relationships when I genuinely care about and enjoy the company of the people I date. And I could be at the top of every class I've ever taken but I just can NOT stay consistent with schoolwork and studying.

I went and and tried to get diagnosed over these past couple of months and it's been hectic. I live in a smallish town, where mental health isn't exactly a primary concern for whatever stupid reason. There's virtually no one here who knows anything about a disorder that's already difficult to define/diagnose properly. I found a therapist who gave me the TOVA test, and he recommended a low dosage of a stimulant, so I got a prescription for Adderall from my doctor and have been on it for the past week and a half, but it virtually stopped working during the past couple of days. My motivation is gone again, I can't get anything done, and I just feel like I'm slipping back into the abyss.

I would like to find a psychiatrist who could educate me on exactly how this medication works (because it varies from person to person, and online forums can only do so much), but the hunt is making me weary, and finals weeks is next week and I don't want to fail another semester. I can't afford to.

All this to say, you're not alone, and it does sound like you struggle with a lot of the same things that I, and a lot of other women (and men) with ADHD, do. My first question is do you have insurance? If you do then I highly suggest finding a therapist who has at least some experience diagnosing adults with ADHD (and realize that the condition often affects men and women very differently). And please know that there definitely is help out there. There are few places that are as bad as the place I'm at, so your first step is just Google it, make calls, and if something doesn't feel right then seek a second opinion. Travel to a bigger city (I'm planning on going to San Diego here soon to talk to someone more experienced/specialized, if my insurance will cover it).

From what I know of ADHD personally, and based on friends of mine (two of the guys I've dated have struggled with it, including the guy I'm with now), it's a vastly important thing to learn how to manage because it effects virtually every important aspect of your life. Whether or not you want to go onto medication (there's definitely no shame in using meds as a tool, I had to come to terms with that) is up to you and your therapist, but I strongly suggest talking to a professional about it.

Find someone, talk to someone, find out that there's nothing wrong with you, that it's not a character flaw, that you're not dumb or absentminded or lazy, because the reality is, anyone that cares enough to seek out help on a forum or otherwise isn't lazy or dumb or useless. They're confused and don't know where to start looking. Don't hate yourself. I did for too long, and while it's not an easy road getting diagnosed/finding treatment that works for you, it's worth every bit of the effort it requires.

So good luck, and my heart goes out to you. You're not alone, whether or not you have ADHD (which I repeat, sounds like ya do), and you're definitely not useless. You just need some answers and some guidance.

Daydreamin22
12-02-13, 06:10 PM
I’m so sorry, and ignore those comments. It sound like it could be a number things. It does sound like ADHD and maybe Bipolar II which is mostly depressio with bouts of Hypomania. If that’s the case some ADHD meds like stimulants would exasperate the condition. It could be just Depression, which is very treatable.I think you should go to a psychologist to get checked out. You seem so talented! I think you just need to talk to a Dr.

Do not hate yourself. You kno you’re better than that. Once you get diagnosed you will grieve, maybe even be a little traumatic, in which you will learn 50x more than usual in a short time period and ALWAYS come out a better person. Learn how you work and you’ll get the self esteem. ADHD is an extraordinary gift in many ways, and it sounds like you are.

kayder
12-03-13, 03:20 AM
Hi :) and thanks for your reply...I don't think it's bipolar as two of my very good friends have bipolar and I definitely don't have there highs and lows as well as the sort of personality changes they seem to experience.

I am currently on citalopram for depression and think this Is effecting my memory. I suffer with a lot of anxiety and the meds seem to help and take the edge off although they also seem to make me less productive.

My eldest son has been diagnosed with anxiety.. he is similar to me in the fact that he's very disorganized, lacks concentration and has low self esteem. It's hard as Im so similar that I can't teach him all the coping methods he needs to overcome all of this when I'm the same as him and can't even help myself.

My youngest son who's only 4 has just been diagnosed with epilepsy. It's all a challenge and I am trying so hard but I know that my difficulties make everything so challenging as I feel like loving my kids is not enough I need to be a responsible adult who can take charge of things but it's so hard.

kayder
12-03-13, 07:28 AM
Thanks for the reply :) I have two really good friends with bipolar and I don't think I experience the same highs and lows or change in behaviour as they seem to have to deal with. I admit I'm under extreme stress and I'm definitely depressed however that is the reason I want to get to the bottom of this as its something I have always delt with but now need to face as I'm a single mother and can't let my day dreaming and lack of focus cause me to lose my job. I also feel like a bad role model. Mothers are ment to be focused...organised and generally appear to have order. I love my kids but I'm inconsistent and disorganised and my son who's 9 said to me mom you would lose your arm or leg if it wasn't stuck to you...oops! :/

kayder
12-03-13, 10:37 AM
Lol example of this above :o

Daydreamin22
12-03-13, 05:56 PM
Hey, just popping in to show you this. You know you’re a gift! Abusive situations are so hurtful. Just remember you were a target, not a “victim”. Believe it or not, next time you can do something about it and you won’t be a target anymore. So, it’s 50% the abusers bad behavior and 50% your awesome assertive defense skills that caused a situation shut down. In another case, 50% of the situation that turned out to be abusive was because of your naive, kind, empathetic, passive, trusting behavior. So, it doesn’t seem like it was your fault, but just remember anything that happens in your life regarding interactions is 50/50. For example, if you’re in the elevator and you have an awkward situation because a man spilled coffee on you and him, and it’s your boss so you’re upset about it… it’s 50/50 that it was an awkward encounter even though he spilled the coffee. If it was a funny situation inwhich you made him feel comfortable and laugh, or if he made a joke and he laughed… it would be 50/50-- both of you that caused it to be a funny situation. Because if you didn’t laugh it would have then been a maybe “cold” kind of interaction, or an annoying/bothered elevator ride.

So to know the event was 50% his and 50% your behavior… even though his behavior was unacceptable and cruel and yours was kind and wonderful… you both made the situation happen. So now you have freedom. Because you can make sure that your 50% knows what to look for and how to stop it from being an abusive situation, even though his behavior stays the same.

Anyway, here’s a thread you may like. It will pick you up. I’m so sorry, you need complements and social/loving interactions. As someone who truly knows the reality of abusive situations and the effects, please stay and socialize with us on the chit-chat, fun and games threads. Also, feel free to answer some questions of people’s who you think you can help. PM me for sure if you can/want to! Would love to talk about it. I know so much about it. I can help you. It’s honestly very serious. <333

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1576580#post1576580

kayder
12-03-13, 06:32 PM
Thank you...that makes so much sense to me right now and I am trying to learn a lot more about myself so I don't fall into the same self destructive patterns. I think my confidence is just at its all time low right now and Tbh when I get like this I know I will turn it around soon and be positive again. Thanks so much for the support it means so much to me right now :)