View Full Version : HELP! Coorelation between ADHD and Passive Aggressive Behavior


codabird007
12-02-13, 04:52 PM
Help! My BF and I are at, yet another, breaking point. Im exhausted, but still seeking solutions to our problems to save our relationship.

Prior to being diagnosed a month ago with ADHD: Combo type (I wont start treatment until the end of Jan, the first apt available!), I was dealing with a huge depression, I was chronically misunderstood, my BF and I would have horrible circular arguments, each one tied in every other fight before that, I was entirely confused, felt defeated, felt like an idiot, felt incompetent, felt severely depressed, I was paranoid, I thought I was being abused and taken advantage of, I was always moody and unsure, very fragile and super sensitive, I felt misunderstood, I couldnít easily understand what his point was--- because my behavior was at the root of his problems with me, but I didnít act out on purpose, I surely didnít intend to produce the results we got. I didnít try to create problems. I didnít try to not understand. I didnít want to be over-emotional. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Because of my lack of processing and understanding, I was constantly called a 3 year old, or being labeled, chastised, looked-over, judged, blamed, picked apart, I feel like a failure, told I was the devil, I had dark spirits, I was a bad person to the coreÖÖand being called all of these things regularly, because of my incompetence, and I surely believed them. I already believed those things about myself!!! I felt suffocated with rejection and confusion and immiscible amounts of pain.

I have a HORRIBLE time asking for what I need. I think I do get passive aggressive because I am always Ďreactingí to actions I did not doÖ.or surely didnít do on purpose (he says I always seek male attention because I have Daddy issues), and Iíve worked on my body language, almost to the point where I would rather be crushed onto a bed of nails than talk, be near, or prospectively near to a male, because I had to be sure I wouldnít cause any problems. Since Iíve had a hard time changing the behavior I don't think I have, I do a 180 change, which he says is unnecessary and ridiculous. My anxiety, that Iíve been treated for the past 20 years, is now 10,000 fold, making me paralyzed in public (driving, walking, whatever) and constantly distracted through avoidance. My god, I couldnít bear to be alive sometimes. Most of the time I felt blindsided by his accusations. Still, to this day, all I ever wanted was to love his deeply and completely. My ambiguous behavior has left him with no trust in me. He canít get close to me because I am a wild card. All I want to be is normal, and be trusted and lovedÖand Iíve always been faithful and followed through for his benefit, despite how hard itís been.
So, prior to ADHD, he noted I have self-esteem issues, anger issues, a lack of confidence, no peace, and a bad heart. Iíve been struggling to address these issues through Buhhdism, but as always, I canít get through a book to save my life. Iím trying to get through Tony Robbins, but like any other book, no matter how good or lifesaving, I canít remember a damn thing I read, so learning (I also have a learning disability) is SO hard! Itís hard to snap myself out of my emotions because I have strong sullen and hopeless emotions, and when they get out of control in the heat of the moment, when I canít stand being badgered any more, I snap. If I say something its wrong; if I don't say anything, Iím wrong.

Iíve felt better now that the ADHD veil has been lifted because I see a lot of the problems I have are due to this deficiency Iíve struggled with my whole life, itís been a wonderful change. BF has been patient and understanding, and trying to learn with me and I feel it has been life changing for me the past couple weeks, although he doesnít want me to focus too much on it and use it as an excuse (Iím not done learning, I have to drown myself in it to learn something about it, and learn how to change a lifetime of behavior), but, now he is deeply on the ĎYouíre passive-aggressiveí card, reading through all of the signs and behaviors. I think I carry resentment BECAUSE I am trying to change. I am TRYING to love doing the dishes and all of the housework, only to watch him destroy the house arrogantly. I am being Buhhdist and loving the chores because I love my family. But some days itís harder than others. I try to love buying the groceries, and cook the meals, and clean upÖ.all by myself, all the time, for over a year, but it ******* wears on you! So yes, eventually I will blow up and make a snidey remark because it seems asking for something gets resentedÖother times he will help. I just hate asking. I hate asking people for anything. I suffer the same fate regarding finances, his lack of interest in maintaining them, sharing goals, getting bills paid on time, and paying the money he owes me off (6 months now for the latest round of loans). I have bills! I want goals! We don't share these things, and it causes a lot of grief for both of us. I have my dadís tough knocks attitude that I canít rely on anybody. It makes me very uncomfortable. BF has helped me to see that people do care about me, help me, and want to help meÖ.I just wished he could voluntarily help more often. Since I Ďtime-chunkí everything I do, housework can end up taking hours upon hours, canít make it to the river with the dogs (2hr time chunk), then I cant work out (another 50 min time chunk), don't have enough time to get ready for work (time chunk), no time to get gas (15 min time chunk)Ö..and just thinking about it drives me mad! So, when he wants to get lunch, I have to file through all the time chunks, and start editing some out. Sometimes I end up on the couch napping, because itís the only time Iím not getting anxious about not getting things done. I need down-time before work, or I get really stressed out! Iím often late for work and this year have been a no-call/no-show for the first time ever. Iíve missed several Dr. apts, I just canít keep it together. Everything seems overwhelming. So, because I am overwhelmed and super-stressed out, everything he doesnít do, including giving me love when I need it, or trying to help a little bit, I get resentful.

When we fight, Iím always looking for things he accuses me of and does himself. He seems so hypocritical. It feels so wrong to me. I shut down. I canít cope; Iím always on the defensive. I exhaust myself defending myself, because in my own heart I know I have been good, and had good intentions, but he refuses to see any of it. Everything I do is premeditated and has a reason. I am a poor communicator, even when I try to be nothing but positive, I am always misunderstood. This is why I shut down. It is based out of deep pain and fear. Itís a feeling in my stomach that I canít calm, I canít control, and it feels like my insides are being eaten alive. We have gotten better, but I am still trying so hard to understand whatís going on and not finding answers quick enough. Itís always something. I canít keep up mentally or physically.

Iím in therapy and soon to see a psychiatrist, been on and off of SSRIís for 15 years, and currently off, have family members who are bi-polar, depressed, addicted, have ADHD, social phobiasÖyou name it. I have a whole new library of books and CDs, but the problem is, I am OVERWHELMED. Now he is focusing on the fact that I am passive aggressive, and I am cooked. My good god, if there is one more thing, one more list, more finger pointing, labeling, and blaming, I may crack. Im close to it, much closer than I will admit openly. I need help desperately. I am convinced this man has my best interest, but my insecurity is so out of control, it complicates everything. He says break a sweat every day (to increase dopamine), read Tony Robbins, find a hobby, eat rightÖ.EVERY DAY. I need structure, Iíve always needed it. But, because of the Ďtime-chunkí thing I have in my head, Iíve already defeated myself before Iíve begun. How do I not take things personally? Is there a correlation between PA and ADHD? How can I simplify my approach? How can feel better about myself? How can I cope better? How can I get a grip? How can I change my behavior? How can I keep things tidy enough in my head to actually be able to sort through things? I am desperate for answers. We are losing our family.

Diony
12-30-13, 01:04 PM
I am really sorry that you are going through a hard time! How long into the relationship did he learn that you had some difficulties?

ginniebean
12-30-13, 03:02 PM
This is a bad relationship. First of all if you don't understand what problems are directly related to adhd how can you implement strategies for known problems.

The old, don't learn too much about adhd because you will use it as an excuse is total crap. You need to learn a lot.

You sound completely brow beaten here. You're overwhelmed with a volume of complaints that there's no way you can actually deal with.

He needs to back off. You don't need someone detailing every thing you do they don't happen to like, that can only work against you.

Lunacie
12-30-13, 04:11 PM
I was probably passive-aggressive in my marriage, my ex said I was anyway.

But if I expressed outright anger, I was told that wasn't appropriate. Actually
I never learned to express anger in a healthy way. My mother just repeated
"You need to learn to control your temper," but she didn't teach me how to do
that.

So in the marriage, if my feelings were hurt and I cried, I was accused of
being "manipulative." If I got angry I was told I was "overreacting." If I got
angry but didn't show it outwardly I was accused of being "passive-aggressive."
Yeah, pretty much a no-win situation for me.

And I had a lot to be angry about - undiagnosed and untreated ADHD and
Anxiety Disorder, untreated Fibro-Myalgia, inappropriately treated Migraine
disorder (doc kept giving me sinus meds) ... and being blamed for being
forgetful and lazy and stupid and whiny and needy. Arrggghhhhh!

Modafinilguy
01-07-14, 01:48 AM
I am sorry but I don't like the description you give of your partner.

I mean he is obviously extremely critical and attacking in a psychological way towards you.

A good partner is supposed to be supportive and nurturing, tolerance and gently encouraging.

I think the dynamics of your relationship are a major issue. Seriously you seem to feel you deserve his criticisms of you which sound plentiful and many.

It is sad because I can tell you are holding on very strongly to this relationship, but it is obviously not healthy.

I am not in a sexual type relationship but I have very close emotional relationships with various people.

My main housemate (and good friend) has ADHD and is extremely disorganized and unmotivated. My previous housemate (recently moved out on good terms), she has Borderline Personality Disorder- serious, severe problems. I never criticize either of them. I accept peoples faults, and support them in a positive manner, and try to help them in a positive, emotionally warm manner. All I hope for in return is that they care about and value me. I would NEVER get stuck into mega criticizing someone.

So you have relationship and self esteem issues which are complex and ADHD medication is NOT going to be a magic fix. Nothing is going to satisfy this guy.

It does seem like you have emotional stability problems, which can seem to accompany ADHD. Medication will not fix an unhealthy social situation you are stuck in, and medication is not a magic cure for deep rooted low self esteem concepts.

However (I keep commenting on such issues), specific areas of the prefrontal cortex are heavily involved in emotional regulation and stress tolerance. To a significant degree, if your emotions are easily triggered into negative states, if you have a low stress tolerance and high stress, and indeed significant anxiety. Well there is good evidence that the serotonin systems in your prefrontal cortex are involved. Especially if you have had a traumatic or stressful childhood, this can cause receptor density abnormalities.

Standard antidepressants do NOT correct this kind of problem. You need medications which potently target the specific serotonin sub-receptor types. Some people may go yeah, yeah bullcrap what do you know, well I have read through around 300-400 scientific articles on this specific issue. No-one has to believe me, but if you want more information, or medication recommendations to ask your doctor (of course only if your doctor agrees to give them a try), well PM me.

There are only maybe 3-4 medications available in the entire world which are known to strongly target the main serotonin receptors associated with emotional regulation, anxiety and stress tolerance in the prefrontal cortex. As I said standard anti-depressants such as the Selective Serotonin Reputake Inhibitors do NOT work for this.

Again you may say, what do you know? Well it was from months and months of studying the science, that I found the medication which controls my own emotional overreactivity and tendency to get "very stressed out". Indeed while I was not physical, I would explode at times and have emotional spastic fits. From understanding the science on the issue, and finding the right medication, well I have gone from a person with great difficulty managing my emotions and stress, to a person in complete emotional control (all the time), and my ability to tolerate stressful situation has massively increased. Beyond that there is HARD scientific evidence implicating these receptor systems in emotional regulation.

Eventually I will get into an argument about this, and I have so many citations saved in word documents that nobody would bother to read it all.

Just my opinion. But on the other side, people with significant emotional and stress issues can respond well to strong social support and validation. Indeed you definitely need strong social support.

Feel free to PM me if you ever wish to chat further. And best wishes to you.

phantasm
01-07-14, 02:19 AM
My goodness! I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. Hugs to you. :grouphug:

It sounds like you are taking all the right steps to get on the right track and understand your ADHD with your docs.

You gotta give yourself a break and realize that your understanding and treatment will not happen overnight. In the meantime, BF needs to understand that too. He doesn't sound tolerant based on your post though. :( It's no wonder you are beside yourself with anxiety, you can't make yourself happy, how can you make him happy.

having a person belittle you constantly is impossible to deal with and ever get under control. Say you got the best meds and the best docs and understood all the books on ADHD. It doesn't mean you are never going to make a mistake, forget to do the dishes or burn a meal. Then what? Will he still throw that in your face and treat you like a child?

With or without ADHD, will you ever be the perfect person it sounds like he wants you to be?

It sounds like a tough place to be and I hope you get the help that you are looking for. Maybe the BF can take a step back and recognize the work you are putting in and the circumstances you are dealing with in order to be the best you.

Lunacie
01-07-14, 11:58 AM
>>

However (I keep commenting on such issues), specific areas of the prefrontal cortex are heavily involved in emotional regulation and stress tolerance. To a significant degree, if your emotions are easily triggered into negative states, if you have a low stress tolerance and high stress, and indeed significant anxiety. Well there is good evidence that the serotonin systems in your prefrontal cortex are involved. Especially if you have had a traumatic or stressful childhood, this can cause receptor density abnormalities.

Standard antidepressants do NOT correct this kind of problem. You need medications which potently target the specific serotonin sub-receptor types. Some people may go yeah, yeah bullcrap what do you know, well I have read through around 300-400 scientific articles on this specific issue. No-one has to believe me, but if you want more information, or medication recommendations to ask your doctor (of course only if your doctor agrees to give them a try), well PM me.

There are only maybe 3-4 medications available in the entire world which are known to strongly target the main serotonin receptors associated with emotional regulation, anxiety and stress tolerance in the prefrontal cortex. As I said standard anti-depressants such as the Selective Serotonin Reputake Inhibitors do NOT work for this.

>>

.

The OP's boyfriend sounds like an extreme version of me in the past.
And I thought I was pretty extreme at times - my family would likely agree.

I had separation anxiety into my teens, even before enduring sexual abuse by my brother.

Health problems lowered my stress tolerance even more,
and add in a verbally abusive husband who was cheating on me.

But I am happy to say that standard antidepressants have helped me a great deal.
I started on generic Celexa but due to weight gain I switched to generic Zoloft.

That's been about 3 years ago (I don't remember for sure)
and I'm holding onto that prescription with both hands. :D