View Full Version : Sick to Death of Family & Friends Lack of Support


JosieLee
12-06-13, 02:45 PM
Hi All,

Bit irritable today:mad:

I've done everything I can to support my hubby through understanding and helping him with his "quirks" but personally feel totally alone.
His parents, Aunty & Uncle & in particular my mother, completely bury their head in the sand.
On the surface, they appear to understand but dig a little deeper & they are all in complete denial.
Why? I have asked my outlaws & mum to read a book, any book, on ADHD & OCD but none of them have.
I have lost my best friend in the world because of this situation, partly because she was scared hubby was going to hurt me when he had his rage episodes & I believe partly perhaps because I chose to have our 4 year old twins in full time care at the beginning of the year while he was riding the medication roller coaster. It is not only hubby that struggles to cope with the twins. I have had depression/anxiety since I was about 22 after being involved in 3 abusive relationships. I'm doing the best that I can.

In the last few weeks I've arranged a few more things to help my family. Our twin boy will be seeing a paediatrician next week & a child psychologist because he is displaying some behavioural changes indicative of anxiety/OCD.

My mother is the worst, she lacks any form of sympathy or understanding. I have been surviving on 4-5 hours of sleep for the past 6 months. What I get from her is competition. "I was a single mother with 2 children & worked full time....." Blah, blah. Or "I had a terrible nights sleep & you're 20 odd years younger than me.....". So what! This isn't a competition, I know there are people worse off than me & I remind myself of that daily. At the end of the day my situation is really challenging, exhausting, sad & confronting, is it too much to expect a little compassion from my own mother?

I truly don't get it. Hubby's side of the family tell me I'm a wonderful wife & mother & that he's lucky to have me. I'm lucky to have him too. I don't need that from them. I need them to take the time & learn about his condition to truly understand what we are going through. Words mean nothing, read some books, join this forum, both of which I've asked them to do, but still no one has. My mum has Bipolar, she of all people should be making an effort. But the vibe I get from her is that hubby is just lazy.

Will they ever make an effort? How can I make them understand or do I just continue to battle this alone? I've recently started seeing a psychologist simply to talk to because no one else will, but it'd be really helpful to at least have mum in my corner instead of full her of condescending & judgemental attitudes.

RedHairedWitch
12-06-13, 11:12 PM
Have you tried telling them what you need?

"Things are hard right now blah blah blah blah, would you please give me a hug?"

"I know you had it hard Mom, but right now what I need is a shoulder to cry on. Can you do that for me?"

People respond poorly, usually not out of lack of care, but because they don't know what you want from them. Ask for it. If they still don't give it, then you know they are unfeeling and of no help.

sarahsweets
12-07-13, 11:19 AM
Sometimes even with family you just have ti tell them to f**k off.

JosieLee
12-07-13, 03:05 PM
Have you tried telling them what you need?

"Things are hard right now blah blah blah blah, would you please give me a hug?"

"I know you had it hard Mom, but right now what I need is a shoulder to cry on. Can you do that for me?"

People respond poorly, usually not out of lack of care, but because they don't know what you want from them. Ask for it. If they still don't give it, then you know they are unfeeling and of no help.

Thanks RedHairedWitch. Tried this kind of approach with my mum but to no avail. Hubby's family are interstate so it's even more difficult with them.
Mum comes from a family of nurses, that is her 3 sisters, they are all rather clinical. One of her sisters has Multiple Sclerosis & in mums opinion nobody has it as bad as her, so I shouldn't complain.
To give you an idea of mums difficult personality we were having coffee and she asked a lady what her child's name was. Now it was an unusual name but who cares, not our business but mum can't help her self & said directly to the mother "oh he's going to get picked on at school with a name like that!". Holy cow, I couldn't believe she said it. Another example is every single time we have eaten lunch or morning tea or simply grabbed a coffee out, she has ALWAYS complained to the staff about something. "My coffees to weak, too hot, too cold, my toasted sandwich is burnt, the bread is soggy" & the list goes on.
Her good friend showed her a beautiful picture of trees that she painted, it looks amazing. Mums response "the trees are bent"! Really!

I think I have to try & accept that this is who she is but it's just not fair. I need her understanding because this is so hard. Hubby's ADHD seems to be getting worse in regards to attention to things. He's off in his own little world more & more & often doesn't hear the twins or I talking to him.

Thank you again :thankyou:

JosieLee
12-07-13, 03:12 PM
Sometimes even with family you just have ti tell them to f**k off.

Love it Sarahsweets! It's funny you say that because I did exactly that when I was about 22. It's only since the twins were born when I was 37 that we reconnected.

I'm thinking I might get her a book on ADHD & OCD & how it affects the whole family for Christmas. Ho Ho Fu----g Ho :D

RedHairedWitch
12-07-13, 08:25 PM
Your Mom sounds like my Mom. *hugs*

VeryTired
12-07-13, 09:06 PM
JosieLee,

I have no ideas for you, but much sympathy. I have longed for understanding and support from family, too, without getting it. For me, these Forums are really the best answer for support. It's a bit sad that real life people can't play this role for me instead, but it's much more important to get the support than to question where it's coming from.

I hope your family starts doing a bit better by you, though--it surely sounds as if you have your hands full.

all good wishes--

Jbatlanta
12-22-13, 08:47 PM
Hi,
So sorry you have to deal with this. It really sucks that you can't lean on those closest to you. I have a similar thing with my in-laws. In short, my 10 year old has autism. It's been well studied and documented, but they are unable to accept the diagnosis. It used to bug me a lot, but I've come to the point where I realize that for whatever reason they are just unable to wrap their heads around this. I stopped talking to them about it and I feel much better about it.

This is to say that maybe you need to stop going to your mom for support. Sounds like she can't really give it to anyone anyway. Do you have friends you can talk to? I find that my friends are far more supportive than my family generally. And my family is pretty good when it comes to being supportive. I hope you have someone you can talk to.

Best,

phantasm
12-22-13, 11:10 PM
It is real rough when the people that are closest to you don't seem to understand the most important thing you need. I know the feeling. :( This forum has helped me tremendously to help fill that void just enough to give me hope. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you find the support you need whether it's through therapy, here, or when your family finally realizes what you have been trying to tell them. Hugs :grouphug:

TLCisaQT
01-02-14, 12:10 AM
My heart goes out to you Josie. It's hard when you struggle and feel unsupported and yet feel like you have to pretty much pick up a lot of the slack. I too struggle with anxiety and depression and dealing with a lot of the stress over the past 8 or 9 years, my symptoms increased that I had to go on medication myself as my coping skills weren't working. I also went to therapy just to have somebody to talk to and to learn how to handle all the craziness around me, and to learn healthier ways to express myself and just to feel heard!!! And after being told so many times things were my fault or I was wrong, or was doing that wrong, etc, I was not sure what was WHAT anymore.

Most likely, you won't be able to do anything to get those others to change or to learn about ADHD/OCD if they don't want to. My husband's parents are nice people; however I don't think they even fully get what my husband and daughter go through and much of it comes from their side of the family!!! Sometimes I think it may be too painful? or some guilt? I don't know. Or maybe they struggle mental health wise with similar things and so truly aren't able to see or be supportive.

I often feel very alone in my world. I was so thankful the day I found this forum awhile ago, as it was the first time in a long time, I finally realized I wasn't a lone and knew that for once, people GOT IT!!! and knew what it was like to be "me" on some level.