View Full Version : I am lost!


EmilyRay42
12-11-13, 09:56 AM
My girlfriend left me last night. She couldn't handle my ADHD symptoms any longer. I have tried for the last year to find a doctor somewhere that would start treating my ADHD, but they all refused for whatever "good" reason they had at the time. Now I am alone again with no hope for any kind of lasting relationship or semblance of a normal life. I was reading yesterday about how women with ADHD have a reduced life expectancy. Being 4 more likely to commit suicide. I am quickly headed in that direction.

zilphy
12-12-13, 03:41 PM
I wish I could say something profound to make your life 100% better.

I easily panic when things get rough and I want to have a solution "right now". I tend to run from one thing to another looking for answers, only to end up frustrated and depressed. This gets exhausting. I am learning to ride out the suffering my ADHD creates.

Somehow can you use this time to take care of yourself? To learn to be your own best friend. To increase your self esteem. To recognize the things you like about yourself, the things you don't like about yourself and accept the things that will never change.

I am learning to calm myself down and finding ways to relax on my own, by myself.

I am thinking of you:-)

Tmoney
12-12-13, 04:32 PM
Hello EmilyRay42,

There is hope. I have lived with this disorder for 44 years. I was divorced from my wife 16 years ago because of my disorder. I have AD(H)D, anxiety and depression. Notice I didn't say I suffer from these disorders. I use to. I don't suffer anymore.

When I got divorced I was lost and I didn't think there was any woman in this world that would ever put up with me.
I was unmedicated, and not taking care of myself to the best of my ability. Not eating healthy, not exrcising regularly, not taking my disorder seriously and accepting the discipline that is necessary to live a happy healthy life.

it was because of this tramatic event in my life that I made a decision to become the healthiest I possible can living with this disorder. It was my belief at the time that it was my only chance for a future relationship.

3 years later My wife and I got back together, got married again, and we are happier now than we have ever been.

I use that memory to remind me everyday of what I need to do to stay healthy so I can be the best father, husband, and person possible.

The alternative of living in chaos and depression just was not an option for me and don't let it be an option for you.

It's not easy. It's an on-going battle. But the results of the hard work and discipline are well worth it.

There ar emany people onthis forum who can relateto your story and the best part is they pretty much know exactly how you feel and what your going through.

We are not experts, but we will always be availableto offer advise and support when you need it. The good part of our advise is many of us have gone through this so we know how your feeling.

Don't give up. You deserveto be happy just like everyone else!

EmilyRay42
12-28-13, 02:20 AM
I want to thank you for your responses. I haven't been back for a while, partly because I decided that I didn't want to live in continued misery and attempted suicide. I am still here, but I am not exactly pleased that it failed. For now, I will continue to seek pharmacotherapy concurrently with other treatment modalities. I don't know where to begin to look for my recovery though! I am tired!

Still not willing to live in misery!

Emily

dvdnvwls
12-28-13, 03:17 AM
Emily, it's good to see you back. Thanks for your candour.

Diony
12-28-13, 01:11 PM
Have you tried volunteering or helping another that has a physical disability? I don't do it often but it keeps me fighting my depression.

I want to thank you for your responses. I haven't been back for a while, partly because I decided that I didn't want to live in continued misery and attempted suicide. I am still here, but I am not exactly pleased that it failed. For now, I will continue to seek pharmacotherapy concurrently with other treatment modalities. I don't know where to begin to look for my recovery though! I am tired!

Still not willing to live in misery!

Emily

EmilyRay42
12-28-13, 03:25 PM
Yes, I volunteered at children's hospital holding babies, while it was nice when I was holding the babies, the loss I felt afterwards was horrible. I dont want to live a life of mediocrity. I have specific goals for my life, that I could achieve if given proper treatment. But, I'm not getting proper treatment. I'm not getting any treatment! The doctors want to feel comfortable with what they prescribe. They are placing their needs above my needs and I find the insensitive, and highly offensive. I had one Doctor tell me it would be illegal for him to prescribe me stimulants!

Comparing my life to the lives of other people with disabilities is also unreasonable. If I lost both my legs in an auto accident the Doctors would give me a wheelchair and or prosthetics. They wouldn't send me home without anything and say "Be happy your alive." If I had some other kind of developmental disability like Downs Syndrome, I would be frustrated with my inabilities to be like others for sure, but I would also know there isn't a simple pill that could help me that I am being refused. No, the idea that doctors can withhold a proven treatment for ADHD because of a past history of drug abuse is wrong and in our system of medicine I as the patient have little power to change it.

The doctors I have seen have placed a sentence of life long misery upon me and I am not willing to make that a forty + year sentence.

Emily

dvdnvwls
12-28-13, 03:29 PM
The doctors I have seen have placed a sentence of life long misery upon me and I am not willing to make that a forty + year sentence.

What did they sentence you to?

EmilyRay42
12-28-13, 04:24 PM
A life of psychosocial impairment which includes the following core features:
1) Poor Psychological functioning and self-confidence
2) Poor Family/relationship functioning
3) Poor Interpersonal (broader than family) functioning
4) Poor Professional/academic functioning
5) Cognitive deficits
6) Poor Driving performance
7) Increased Risk of substance use disorders

I have already tried to improve these areas of my life with non pharmacotherapy. For me it wasn't enough to impact my quality of life. I am not one to just sit around and feel sorry for myself! i have worked really hard at improving myself for the last three years, but it has been all for nothing. I am in the same place I was three year ago only this time I know what my limitations are because of my untreated ADHD, I am not willing to spend another 40 years in this condition. I don't want to be a burden to my family or my country. I want to contribute to society in a meaningful way to me. I have to define that and I have. I also can't do that without treatment.

Emily

dvdnvwls
12-28-13, 04:38 PM
That's not a sentence, that's a diagnosis. A sentence is a penalty imposed by other people.

someothertime
12-28-13, 04:55 PM
You know, it's ok to mourn the lend of a relationship Ems...

Do NOT make the mistake of assuming that EVERYTHING comes down to you... sure you feel crap... they left... said it was because of XY and Z...

You know what... I can tell by how you write that your not the bag-o-potatoes your making yourself out to be... I see kindness... I see composition...

Babe... you can focus on this thing until it's bigger than everest... or, you can let the grief come and go without bashing yourself...

Once it's past... accept and value all that is great within you... conversely, accept and accommodate for some shortcomings... the ones that stand in the way of your goals... we cannot snap our fingers and dissappear every shortfall...

But by relishing the pro's, letting some go, and learning to make accommodations... I hear and relate to what you say about making huge effort and feeling like your back at square one... you know something.... your not.... what is life without something to strive for? Where does the passion come from? Why do you think so many sportspeople and superstars become arrogant tightwads and veers towards the darkside... we are not the demons some people lead us to believe... go and strengthen your strengths for a bit... swim in your idiosyncrasy... stop fighting it...

Measure yourself by your honest and realistic progression... not by any third parties view of you.

My sympathy goes out to you Em, and so does my acceptance.

EmilyRay42
12-28-13, 05:52 PM
"That's not a sentence, that's a diagnosis. A sentence is a penalty imposed by other people."

If a doctor knows the outcome of not treating the diagnosis tthan it becomes a sentence!!! If I had terminal cancer and the doctor refused to treat it when they had the ability to do so would be sentencing me to death. The analogy is clear.

I want to look towards the future, but what evidence can you provide that it would be any different than the past. I have 40 years of screwed up relationships that show me what I can expect of the future. In AA they say that it is insanity to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I want to do something different, something I have never tried in my life. Be prescribed stimulants in a controlled manner, followed by a great deal of work and see where I end up.

When I left college almost 15 years ago, my advisor told me that I have an obligation to earn my PhD. I want to fulfill that obligation. I know I can be a successful Sociologist and Professor if I am given the right treatment.

How am I supposed to focus on something else? It is beyond me! I have no control over what my brain decides to hyper-focus on.

I am compassionate and kind. thank you for noticing. I also believe the dialectic of myself having imense value and no value at the same time.

every month I get a disability check for $1000.00. While it is enough to feed and shelter me, I can't travel, afford school, adopt children or even own a car! The best that the doctors have offered me is continuation of this life of suffering, burdening others with my problems. My mom needs to control my money because I have no impulse control. If it wasn't for her help I would be homeless! not because I don't have the money for rent, but I would just spend it unwisely.

We all may have ADHD. However, there are degrees of severity. I have a severe form of combined type ADHD. If it wasn't for my above average IQ (not trying to boast) I would be in prison! I have committed all the same crimes, I'm just smart enough not to get caught.

You recommend measuring myself honest and realistic progression. with all the honesty I can say that in the three years I have been clean there has been no progress! Not towards achieving my goals of a PhD. Not in my relationships with others. Not in my happiness within myself.

Thanks

Emily

someothertime
12-28-13, 06:21 PM
what do you think is the overriding emotion here?

untapped potential or your history

yes, repeating the same methods would be futile...

-you cared for babies
-clear for 3 years
-you've had relationships
-you went to college
-you have above average intelligence
-you were smart not to get caught

immense value and no value... isn't there an infinite range of possibilities in the middle there... if/or... what about just

just to breathe
just to smile

Throw your PhD pipe dream out the window... it's holding you back... remember you AA quote... same applies here... your measuring yourself against an unreasonable external expectation.

Relationships? ****, just be happy your able to have them.

Destroy that "distant" vision of what you think you can be... and begin to see who you are... Your ****** at your history cause you think it ties in with untapped potential...

You know there is a little truth in that. But holding on to that "distant" reality is just weighing you down...

Again... focus on your strengths... and value who you are... You were not here three years ago... you have not exhausted your options... you are evolving...

Failure is an opinion.

EmilyRay42
12-28-13, 07:22 PM
My earning a PhD is not a dream! it is a goal! if you can't understand the difference than Kindly keep your opinions to yourself. Obviously if my past college advisor who herself held a PhD in Sociology from Johns Hopkins believed strongly enough in my understanding of the Science of Sociology to tell me I have an obligation to earn my own PhD it is not just a dream! Why should I settle? why should i live a continued life of desolation to make others feel good ie the "doctors" that have been providing me my non-treatment.

Victor Frankl sugests that we should all find ultimate meaning in our life. I have found what would be meaningful to me and you just want to "be happy with what you get" No! If I cant have a life of meaning, A life of Meaning as defined by no one but me I would rather just not live!

I do not need to settle for a life of mediocrity! I will refuse to do so!

Emily