View Full Version : I feel to old for my age


Oregon
12-11-13, 03:20 PM
This isn't a typical 23 year old rant. Please don't read this and think I'm being dramatic. I feel old. I shouldn't feel this way at 23; hopeless, lonely, and depressed. Mentally, I feel exhausted. I feel as if I've lived this life before. It's like deja vu, day after day.

Since I was around 11, I have lost my way. I have lost my sense of life. The best way I can describe my depression is the following; it's as if winter has been around for the last 12-13 years and you can't feel the sun on your skin. I have little emotion outside of depression. I'm constantly numb. I've hurt my friends, family, and partners emotionally without feeling anything. This numbness is the only feeling I have outside of the depression. When I'm in my depressed state which can fluctuate very quickly and last for months, my mind goes into a dark place. This can be either self hatred, suicidal thoughts, or despair.

In my youth self medication provided some form of relief. In the last 4-5 years, self medication stopped helping. Before alcohol would at least help me sleep, now I rarely sleep when I get into my depressed state. For a short time, I was using opiate pain medication to help knock me out or stop my mind. While in my depressed state, I can literally stay awake for days. I feel like a madman, my mind isn't normal, I can't control my thoughts. Recently, I've had to remove the firearms from my home due to my fear that I'd use them on myself.

As I write this; I've been awake for 2-3 days, I don't remember now. I'm tired of feeling like I have to fight every single day just to survive another day filled with one of my two available emotions. I've dealt with this for more than 1/2 my life now, and often I feel as if I can't hold on much longer.

I want to be healthy, I want to feel happy again. I still remember the last time I felt happy. Portland Oregon, 2001, outside of the Portland library. It was raining (typical Portland weather), I was in a car with 4 of my friends, and life was good. Sometimes I replay this day in my head. It provides a sort of comfort that someone might get from watching a favorite tv show rerun, or looking at pictures of a family gathering or vacation. Something has to give, I hope there is a solution available somewhere.

Cheers,
Oregon

MeepMeep
12-12-13, 03:57 PM
+1....although im a little older than you. But can relate to a lot of what you said.

Not sure what the hell the meaning of life is, where I belong or anything...So just live each day...Hmm! :confused:

ban_ban
01-07-14, 01:08 PM
Im 22 and ive been in the non sleep thing =_= for me it feels like you accidentally had speed and cant sleep at all >.< Just a fortnight ago i was up all night playing a game on tv, watching anime on my laptop, and making food in the kitchen! 'what the!
?' indeed

At the moment im back to sleeping waaay too much; 12 hours and over. But everyday is foggy and without direction. But i try to be healthy; take my vitamins, exercise 2-3 times a week but it still doesnt help much.

Best thing to do is see a professional, my psych appointment is just next week and its a good start. I have no expectations, for me its just a first step.

Now, if only i could wake up, sit down, concentrate and start this assignment then my bachelors degree is done. here's hoping a mid semester graduation! its taken much too long =_= sighhhh feels very unsatisfying

bevlindarz
01-14-14, 03:47 AM
feel young, look young.
:)