Hello,

After lots of thinking about all my past relationships, I have only had 1 relationship with a non-ADD woman... a 12 year marriage that almost buried me. My relationships with ADD women have been amazing. Sometimes bright sparks of passion and connection that never really ended but moved away from intimacy and towards long lasting platonic friendship. I am finding it more difficult to even contemplate relationships with non-ADD women at this point. I am just so attracted to the intelligence and creativity that never allows me to get bored. I do leave my mind and heart open to the prospect that I will find a linear woman but it is not a goal.
Currently I am in a free flowing state of friendships (mostly with other "ADDers" without strong expectations and I like that. It allows me to be myself and love and live in the moment


What are your relationships like? How do you view relationships? Are you partnered with an ADDer or not? Do you have an orientation towards the same or the opposite gender? Do you not have an orientation at all but drift between relationships with different genders?

Lots of questions... answer those that you would like to :)

I married a man without ADD and it was the best thing I could ever have done! I had relationships with ADD men in the past and always ended up being the one who had to take care of everything, paying the bills, organizing the social life, etc., and it totally exhausted me. When I met Mr. Stable I knew I could rest and he takes care of all of the detail-oriented crap that I can't handle. It is absolutely heavenly! Although it has taken him a while to understand that I don't do the ADD-like stuff on purpose, once we had an understanding we each have our roles that fit us best and it works quite well. What it lacks in spontanaiety it more than makes up for in peace.

I'm a woman that is married to a man that shows all the signs of ADHD and refuses to seek help. It's very frustrating to say the least.

BUT...I must say that as a woman that is just now embracing her ADHD side, I seem to be attracted to men that are the same.

I find myself EXTREMELY attracted to an ADHDer...who woulda thunk it? (ducks from ms_sunshine's inevitable swift ruler of grammar)

Andrew, I thought we discussed this penchant of yours to taunt me with deliberately poor grammar? No more Starbucks for you. Note the color of my post...this was not an accident. :p (consider the ruler of grammar wielded)

On a serious note, I would say my ex husband was adhd, at the very least. He was and is also in complete denial, and had to be court ordered to meet with our childrens' doctors to learn about adhd. He addresses this by not mentioning anything about it at all, even four years after our split.

I found our marriage to be extremely disappointing, in that I wanted to sing, dance, be creative and free spirited...and he tended to suck all the technicolor out of my world (not in a good way), and be an abusive control freak.

My boyfriend of the past three years, and the father of my youngest child, is adhd. There are a lot of pros and cons. The biggest pro, for me, is that I don't have to explain myself to him for things that I do that are clearly adhd-influenced (such as deciding to vacuum at two am).

The cons would be that we do not know how to effectively communicate without falling into the add cycle illustrated in Hallowell and Ratey's Driven to Distraction. We both want to work on things in counseling...but getting things to move beyond expressing a desire to go, and then actually being in a therapy office has been an uphill struggle, thus far.

I voted for "Man with an ADD partner", even though my wife has not been diagnosed. All of the Inattentive symptoms are there (I am hyperactive). She and her mom have even said they think they have ADD. My pdoc even explained to both of us that ADD is very common in both couples, because they are drawn to each other. Because they understand each other. I am going to be patient and not push it. I will let her decide if she wants to persue a diagnosis.

I'm twenty years into an extra ordinary relationship. I'm very clearly ADD and my wife is clearly not. There was a long period where we were two lame halves trying to make a whole.

Over the years our common ideals have lead to a complimentary marriage of style and content where both of us can stand our ground.

With kids in the mix it's been thrilling this past year to watch my skills as a parent bloom. Up until I got some help for my ADD my wife carried the bulk of the parenting load.

I'm attacted to ADD types but I've gone there enough to know it would be wildly passionate and not very fruitful for me in the long run.
Cheers! Ian.

Chain, my apologies, but I voted wrong. I voted "man with ADD partner", and it should be "woman with ADD partner".

I could explain our relationship rather like Ian has with his Non ADD wife. We still had to make a "whole". But once we did, we are almost inseperable, extremely protective, passionate, creative, funny, humorous and very bonded.

Having said all of that, I can also say I have experienced the same with a Non Add partner who was all of the above, so I am not convinced it "always" makes a difference.:)

Sorry no partner here not that I dont want one...just not happening at the moment.

Chain, my apologies, but I voted wrong. I voted "man with ADD partner", and it should be "woman with ADD partner".

I could explain our relationship rather like Ian has with his Non ADD wife. We still had to make a "whole". But once we did, we are almost inseperable, extremely protective, passionate, creative, funny, humorous and very bonded.

Having said all of that, I can also say I have experienced the same with a Non Add partner who was all of the above, so I am not convinced it "always" makes a difference.:)
There is a group of "stealth" ADDers. ADD is a subset of the "contextual mind". It is where the contextual mind smashes up against the structured society. I know people who are "internal referenced contextual mind" that show almost none of the signs used for diagnosis...until they are very stressed or tired. The base cognition is there though... Is it possible that your non-ADD partner was one of these?

Has anybody here noticed this kind of person or had a relationship with someone like that?

I married a man without ADD and it was the best thing I could ever have done! I had relationships with ADD men in the past and always ended up being the one who had to take care of everything, paying the bills, organizing the social life, etc., and it totally exhausted me. When I met Mr. Stable I knew I could rest and he takes care of all of the detail-oriented crap that I can't handle. It is absolutely heavenly! Although it has taken him a while to understand that I don't do the ADD-like stuff on purpose, once we had an understanding we each have our roles that fit us best and it works quite well. What it lacks in spontanaiety it more than makes up for in peace.
This is interesting. I did the same with a non-ADD woman. She was the carbon control rod in my nuclear reactor. I still don't completely understand why she divorced me. It was never really explained to me... but I imagine there was a lot of built up resentment over the years. She did mention my ADD in one of her "Dear John" letters. I am glad that she did it (not happy that she became a ferocious beast towards me afterwards).

I still have an open mind that a partnership with a non-ADDer could work for me, but it would have to be prefaced with an incredible amount of "constitution building" (Just like the constitution of the US... an agreed upon document of understandings and rules).

Since I have a very internal view of relationships and most non-ADD people have an external view (what society tells them relationships should be) there need to be mutual points of reference built for things to work. If a non-ADD woman took the time to help me build that...it would work. But most non-ADD people really don't see my internal relationship construct as valid. So I would have move all the way to the external referenced viewpoints. That would essentially negate my internal structure (as it did in the marriage) and I would feel more and more isolated and depressed (my marriage).

It is a big conundrum for me.

Now with an ADD woman, there is at least some joint understanding that we have the internal templates (unless she is in denial) and it is much less painful to craft an in-between point. I personally like the idea that two people don't "compliment" each other but instead collaborate as two distinct individuals, capable of standing on their own. I have problems with my ADD but that is my responsibility. A non-ADD woman may have problems with other things but that is her responsibility.

So, I am curious, how do you communicate? Do you feel that connection? Or is the "connection" not as important?

Thanks so much for your response!

The 2 single guys raise your hand so everyone can see you :rolleyes:
For statisctic or something....:p

I'm attacted to ADD types but I've gone there enough to know it would be wildly passionate and not very fruitful for me in the long run.
Cheers! Ian.
Ian i would be interested in knowing how it would not be fruitfull for you?
if it's not indescrete.

:)

Ian i would be interested in knowing how it would not be fruitfull for you?
if it's not indescrete.

:) <raising hand>
I am one of the single guys and I KNOW a relationship with an ADD woman would not be fruitful for me... I have a vasectomy.

<RAISING hand>
I am one of the single guys and I KNOW a relationship with an ADD woman would not be fruitful for me... I have a vasectomy.
What does the 2 have to do with each other? :confused:

Unless Ian meant fruitfull in that sense, but i dont think that is what he meant. I sense more of how he would grow as a person with an ADD woman...or something..that is why i asked :D

What does the 2 have to do with each other? :confused:

Unless Ian meant fruitfull in that sense, but i dont think that is what he meant. I sense more of how he would grow as a person with an ADD woman...or something..that is why i asked :D
Actually more how he would not grow as a person,,,not as much as he is now with his wife. I think that's what he meant.

Actually more how he would not grow as a person,,,not as much as he is now with his wife. I think that's what he meant.
I was just being silly :)

There is a group of "stealth" ADDers. ADD is a subset of the "contextual mind". It is where the contextual mind smashes up against the structured society. I know people who are "internal referenced contextual mind" that show almost none of the signs used for diagnosis...until they are very stressed or tired. The base cognition is there though... Is it possible that your non-ADD partner was one of these?

Has anybody here noticed this kind of person or had a relationship with someone like that?
No Chain, he was definitely not an ADD'er. Even when tired he could perform tasks easily and with full focal cognition. Having said that, he was one of those "creative minds" that was always on the go, and I loved the intensity of his creative expression.

But do I think being with an ADD partner is potentially better than a Non ADD partner? Yes, I do, unless they are a highly creative type. A high creative mind is very attractive to an ADD'er and they somehow manage to almost mimic the ADD tendancies without having the ADD.

I would love Ian to answer Digitl's question if he didn't mind doing so. It's interesting what he had to say about being with an ADD partner.

Great subject! :)
~Viktoria

<RAISING hand>
I am one of the single guys and I KNOW a relationship with an ADD woman would not be fruitful for me... I have a vasectomy.
:eek: ........................:D

That can look like a two-way meaning, Chain. ROTFL:D

I was just being silly :)
Chain silly :rolleyes: :eek: :eek: :p :p :)

And i was waiting for a great answer from ya lol...

My last relationship was with someone who also had ADD, without the 'H', as I do.
I don't believe I would be involved in any personal relationship with someone who wasn't, anymore. I don't want to explain things anymore.

I know that in friendships, I am more 'n sync with those who are ADD, and get along with them much better than with people who don't have it.
I bond better with ADDers, and have observed that we tend to look out for each other more, and enjoy each other's company more than others.
The best part is how much we laugh when we notice our ADD traits when they pop up!
Like never getting to finish a sentence, and jumping from one topic to another !!
Nova

Chain silly :rolleyes: :eek: :eek: :p :p :)

And i was waiting for a great answer from ya lol...
Hey I can be pithy but I AM ADD! I just have to be careful on here.

****, ****....**** and you know... ****! Well then I said to her **** ;-)

I am to ****ing silly for my own ****ing good! Boogers, Poop, Farts... (just figuring out what I can say... I wish I had this censorship in real life! Wait it needs to block out those 3 words first!)

The best part is how much we laugh when we notice our ADD traits when they pop up!
Like never getting to finish a sentence, and jumping from one topic to another !!
Nova
I love that too!... I just can't stand when a non-ADDer date's jaw drops after I say something... Or the "TMI! TMI!"

No Chain, he was definitely not an ADD'er. Even when tired he could perform tasks easily and with full focal cognition. Having said that, he was one of those "creative minds" that was always on the go, and I loved the intensity of his creative expression.

~ViktoriaHahah! You were duped! I used to be able to do that! sigh... those were the days... ;-)

Hey I can be pithy but I AM ADD! I just have to be careful on here.

****, ****....**** and you know... ****! Well then I said to her **** ;-)

I am to ****ing silly for my own ****ing good! Boogers, Poop, Farts... (just figuring out what I can say... I wish I had this censorship in real life! Wait it needs to block out those 3 words first!)
OK i beleive you now Chain :p lol life is hard :)

Hahah! You were duped! I used to be able to do that! sigh... those were the days... ;-)
No Chain. I was not duped. This was a long term relationship, not a "fling" of which I have never had, and he did not have ADHD. Sorry to disappoint;)

No Chain. I was not duped. This was a long term relationship, not a "fling" of which I have never had, and he did not have ADHD. Sorry to disappoint;)
I was just in a really silly mood yesterday. I was at a mind numbing linear task all day at work. He probably had the contextual mind without the extreme of the ADD... I do know a lot of people who can focus but have the "internal referent aspects" Did he follow the patterns of internal reference?... and don't worry there really is no disappointment here :)... I am way hyper focused on this topic but it is actually doing me good...A lot better than some of the other hyperfocuses that I have had...explosives...whew!

This board did not get the worst of my silliness! Honestly...The thread on exercise and ADD on tribe.net... and the diet and ADD thread. I told them that I use the "Recycle Diet"...it got worse from there!

Still at that silly state... errr hummm... time to straighten my collar and throw some pith at you all! Back to setting permissions in the SAP portal :) :( :( :)

:eek: ROTFLOL******** Too funny! Perhaps you better join the Research Que, which I think they made to keep "some" of us out of trouble. :D

What does the 2 have to do with each other? :confused:

Unless Ian meant fruitfull in that sense, but i dont think that is what he meant. I sense more of how he would grow as a person with an ADD woman...or something..that is why i asked :D
This HAS to be the most funniest discussion I've witnessed in a while!!!
Digitl, you made me splurt out my coffee, you goof!!
And I thought my Tourettes was hard to manage (blurting out whatever comes to my mind), I'm living through you, lol !!
I want to know what the heck a vasectomy has anything to do with being involved with someone who's ADD also? LMAO !
Chain...you are unique one.. sweetie..
Nova

This HAS to be the most funniest discussion I've witnessed in a while!!!
Digitl, you made me splurt out my coffee, you goof!!
And I thought my Tourettes was hard to manage (blurting out whatever comes to my mind), I'm living through you, lol !!
I want to know what the heck a vasectomy has anything to do with being involved with someone who's ADD also? LMAO !
Chain...you are unique one.. sweetie..
Nova
I am glad i can be of some help, in making you smile :D

Yes Chain is a unique one....like a unique pain in the .... neck :p :eek: :D

This board did not get the worst of my silliness! Honestly...The thread on exercise and ADD on tribe.net... and the diet and ADD thread. I told them that I use the "Recycle Diet"...it got worse from there!


OK that's it, where is that ban button :eek:

LOL :D

digitl is worried about the '' you have not seen the worst of my siliness'':p

I'm single but for the first time it doesn't bother me. I'm a very active minded person. I was given an incredible curiousity and I love learning new things. I am very imaginative and love experiencing new things. The problem is most guys I have been with look at me like I'm a TV, something interesting in an other wise boring life.
I would love a relationship where my person has other outside activities they like so I can still game and do my anime stuff. Oh I believe in one on one relationships. But open friendships, I do agree, are wonderful too :)

I voted as an AD/HD female with a nonAD/HD male partner
Never really thought of us in those terms before.
I do know my preference is for nonAD/HD males as a partner in life.
As far as my friendships go with AD/HD males and nonAD/HD males they are equally as good. :)

I'm a woman that is married to a man that shows all the signs of ADHD and refuses to seek help. It's very frustrating to say the least.

BUT...I must say that as a woman that is just now embracing her ADHD side, I seem to be attracted to men that are the same. I'm in much the same position, although, in my case, he doesn't know about my ADD issues (it's hard enough for him to try to understand my depression). He's very 'anti-help' in general & this is somewhat of a roadblock for me as I want to manage but I'm the one that is forced to deal with all the stuff that I can't handle... (trying to make a budget, deal with bills, try to keep the house clean, keep after kids, keep after cats...) I stay in a state of mental exhaustion from this :(

For myself, I need someone that can help stablize me :confused:

I'm in much the same position, although, in my case, he doesn't know about my ADD issues (it's hard enough for him to try to understand my depression). He's very 'anti-help' in general & this is somewhat of a roadblock for me as I want to manage but I'm the one that is forced to deal with all the stuff that I can't handle... (trying to make a budget, deal with bills, try to keep the house clean, keep after kids, keep after cats...) I stay in a state of mental exhaustion from this :(

For myself, I need someone that can help stablize me :confused:
How about someone that does not de-stabilize you :) It seems like he is doing that by not taking his responsibilities in the relationship. He needs to get of his butt!

How about someone that does not de-stabilize you :) It seems like he is doing that by not taking his responsibilities in the relationship. He needs to get of his butt! That's an interesting way of looking at it. Looking back, it's been that way during the whole marriage. At first, I was able to maintain, keeping up with bills & whatnot (well, more or less), keeping up with the house (well, more or less).

I have to say that when I was single, it was much easier to maintain 'normalcy'. I do want to seek help (as of yet, I'm undiagnosed but just about everything that I've read fits me to a T). If he was just a little more understanding, I'd feel better about myself in general & not feel so... substandard. He doesn't actively put me down but the times that I've tried to talk to him about my depression issues, his eyes get that glazed look & I know that he's not listening anymore. After a few times like that, I know it's fruitless to try with this.

Sorry for the rant... I've been carrying that around inside me for a while.

Sorry for the rant... I've been carrying that around inside me for a while.
This is the place for it :) No need to be sorry, rant away! Your feelings are valuable and I think many people probably have the same experience... I certainly did in my marriage!

((((((((((((chain))))))))))))))) Thank you I didn't want to derail the thread with a senseless rant... I usually keep that for my blog :D I'll probably post more in a more appropriate thread at some point in time :)

I am in a relationship with a person who has not been formally been dx'd, yet clearly seems to be one of us. :cool: While he will not admit fully to being ADD, he will list his traits and comment about the fact that he is... My therapist will absolutely concur with this, as well, stating that he is ADD (w/o emphasis on H) based on what I reveal about him.

He is sensitive, creative, intelligent, vulnerable, spontaneous, adventurous, and more. He is never boring. He enjoys nature. Is curious about the universe/stars, science and theories and history. We read together and watch documentaries [Netflix] together and discuss our views regarding what we have read or seen. He is an engineer who has most experience with communications, etc.


He forgets BIG TIME :eek: . And is disorganized. and struggles in some aspects of life He will agree with the charts and lists of behaviors.

And I love being with him. Has not been easy for me because I've needed time to understand my issues regarding my ADD.

This has been a process that we both have shared because I was dx'd shortly after we met. Thus, our relationship has had some rough areas to work with. I am now at peace with myself---this growing understanding and insight has had positive impact on our unity and evlolution as a couple. We are now moving toward and together as a unity. (Sometime soon, I might even get him to come to this group. But maybe not. :faint:

I value his needs to fly fish (for longlonglong periods of time) He NEEDS to participate in these activities. So while he is out there in the middle of the river, I am either standing with him talking about the eco system--the flies, the water flow, the current, the types of fish and the conditions. And when that gets boring, which for me is inevitable, I just walk the river, take a ride, read a book or drag him out of the water :D

ok---did I respond to the question at hand? I am not even sure what the question is... :rolleyes: but I sure like to talk :p