View Full Version : Later in life (terrified)


tryn-optmsm
01-08-14, 02:38 AM
I plan on having kids 'when i get my act together', being a single mom + full-time nanny to help out

Terrified


1) my 'act won't be together enough'; kids need structure, need finances to be in order so they won't starve (exaggerating a bit but you get the point)

2) I get my finances in order but off meds' I get fired because my brain is Very unpredictable (it's warp speed vs when it decides to close shop)

3) it'll be too late (& no I can't afford to freeze at the moment)

4) Recently dated a guy who is quite financially secure ==> if we were to stay together (more serious + kids) and get a divorce ==> more money = better lawyer = I don't get to see the kid (so yes I ran...)

*** on the other hand I want the messy house & chaos that comes along with kids, teach 'em things, learn from them....

Anyone out there who is combo-adhd and did it alone later in life ? (awesome trifecta isn't it....)

dvdnvwls
01-08-14, 02:42 AM
In your opinion, how late is too late? I think, from the ADHDer's point of view, the whole issue of timing is the part that's most likely to be mis-judged.

dvdnvwls
01-08-14, 03:27 AM
Already-terrified-before-she-even-starts single mom is not the best kind of single mom.

"Finances in order" - is that ADHD-style, or NT-style? That is to say, bluntly, will you have lots and lots of money? Because unfortunately it does take lots and lots of money these days.

Amtram
01-08-14, 11:41 AM
Why do you want to have kids? Do you have a social network/family physically close to you to help in the absence of a spouse/present co-parent?

Normally, I would say forget being prepared, because you're never, ever, ever prepared. However, single parenting is not optimal for you or the child. This is not any kind of judgment, just an observation of someone who's been a parent for 20 years, and provided daycare before that, and watched friends go through all kinds of different family situations. A single parent needs other people around who love that child, not just a paid care provider. If you're going to become a single parent by choice, not by chance, that should be your biggest concern, way above the money.

tryn-optmsm
01-08-14, 03:58 PM
That's what I needed I think, since I'm a bit of a contrarian:

1) David: late in life - the older a woman is (mid-30's-->late-30's--> early 40's) the lower her 'natural' chances of conceiving get. That said, medicine has advanced leaps and bounds in the area in the past 10 yrs.

2) David: terrified, aren't all parents-to-be scared?
act & finances-in-order: my life until I tame the huge energy source (ADHD) to my benefit and not detriment, find ways to be less overwhelmed by the prospect, stop quitting jobs, have better systems in place to help me find jobs quicker.... then I'll be "more" ready

money: when I do have a job, I'll earn enough for me & a nanny

how do single-mom-waitresses do it on their own; it's hard but they do it

David: are you a stay @ home dad? do you spend every waking moment with your kids? or do you have a job? when you come home, what kind of a parent are you? do you cook and clean?
nanny is so I can devote myself 100% to enjoying them when I'm with them. It's like all the books say delegate what you can, outsource. . . not the 'love' but the organizing and tedious details; there also times when I desperately need to be alone and recharge

Amtram: at the moment, I don't have a job (only debt) -->will take time to dig myself out of the hole ....
As for a support system; I'll find other single moms and we'll be each other's backup system...

D&A - appreciate the responses

** accepting my ADHD instead of ignoring it, finding workarounds that work for me - was a LONG proc' for me that will prob' never end; I am on my way

That said, I'll ask again --> Any ADHD Single Moms Out There - Who Took Longer To Get Their Act Together ? I would LOVE your input

acdc01
01-08-14, 08:53 PM
http://www.babygaga.com/t-1657773/single-moms-how-do-you-afford-daycare.html

Oops, I just saw your post stressing that you want single mom's later in life to post and I'm not that but oh well, I think the above link meets your requirements (not exactly but close enough).

I babysit for my sister's kid sometimes. I'd be astounded if her 18 month kid doesn't have ADHD (which you may pass to your kid). I'm tired out after 5 minutes cause she has neverending energy. I couldn't do it but you seem more devoted to the idea than I am.

Would you be open to adoption? If you were, you wouldn't have to worry so much about the late in life part and can focus on your money situation first. And odds would be better that your kid wouldn't be ADHD and need tremendous amount of time and energy.

phantasm
01-08-14, 09:54 PM
I plan on having kids 'when i get my act together', being a single mom + full-time nanny to help out

Terrified


1) my 'act won't be together enough'; kids need structure, need finances to be in order so they won't starve (exaggerating a bit but you get the point)

2) I get my finances in order but off meds' I get fired because my brain is Very unpredictable (it's warp speed vs when it decides to close shop)

3) it'll be too late (& no I can't afford to freeze at the moment)

4) Recently dated a guy who is quite financially secure ==> if we were to stay together (more serious + kids) and get a divorce ==> more money = better lawyer = I don't get to see the kid (so yes I ran...)

*** on the other hand I want the messy house & chaos that comes along with kids, teach 'em things, learn from them....

Anyone out there who is combo-adhd and did it alone later in life ? (awesome trifecta isn't it....)

I can appreciate that you want to be prepared to be a mother, and if worse comes to worse, a single mom. I get it.

I think Amtram said it, that you will never be completely prepared.

Being married to someone in the military, I accepted that I would most likely be on my own during my husband's deployments, possibly for more than a year. I've moved all over the country, starting over in new towns where I know no one. And having to "do it all" all by myself. Being a "temporary" single mom, I had to step it up. Work, handle all the finances, home, never sleeping because I'm worried about my child. Being up all night with a sick child and not having anyone to rely on when the going gets rough. It sucks, and we get through it. I had to find my own ways of coping and making it work.

Not to mention, my daughter has a blood disorder where her body only processes a dangerously low amount of white blood cells. She can't fight off viruses on her own without immediate antibiotics. It's frightening to take her to the hemotology department at the hospital to get her blood screened on a regular basis. While kids with Leukemia and cancer are waiting along side us to see a doc. :( So I have to be super diligent with her health in every aspect.

My point - You never know the cards that will be dealt. But if you are clear that you want financial security - start saving, get your education before having children, so you're time isn't monopolized by studying and deadlines. Stabilize your relationship with family and friends so you have a network of people to lean on if you need support. Marry the man that you can see spending the rest of your life with and that you love with your whole heart.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be prepared for the worst, but be careful about projecting your concerns in the future. You know how people say they never want to grow up and be like their parents, and then they grow up to be like their parents. We get what we focus on. Focus on being confident, independent a good mom and good wife. The rest will work itself out.

Flia
01-09-14, 10:03 AM
It's not by chance you pass the ADHD over to your kids.
One inherits npd, so your child WILL have at least one or two traits of ADHD, Asperger or Tourettes. It could be extremely mild, but then again it could be severe.

I coped for about a year. But then she started needing attention, often at times when I had to relax my ears, or when I couldn't interrupt a routine.

You can't have a child only for your own sake.
They are people that depend on you for security, consistency and patience.
Especially since our children are special needs kids.

I was lucky. She had a father that raised her. I would have made her a neurotic mess.

sarahsweets
01-09-14, 10:32 AM
Dont put the cart before the horse here. You have to get right with yourself before you can bring a child into this world.

stef
01-09-14, 11:33 AM
If you're doing this alone, make sure you have the finances, for the support and child care that you need; and friends and family to help;
because it's just much more difficult than you can imagine to have kids (yet more rewarding also), and if you're alone AND having financial problems - it would just be so overwhelming...people do what they have to (surviving/no money/taking care of family) but don't put yourself in this situation if you don't have to!

Fuzzy12
01-09-14, 11:39 AM
Tryn, I don't have any kids yet but I would love to adopt in the future and I've got a lot of similar concerns. I too wonder if I will I ever get my act together so I can take GOOD care of a child. Right now, I can hardly take care of myself, let alone another human being. I understand the time pressure. I'm 35 and I know I only have a limited time to get myself ready but not being as ready as I can be is just not an option.

I'm terrified too. I guess all parents-to-be are concerned and parenting isn't easy in the best of circumstances, even as an NT, but with a disorder like ADHD, it becomes a lot more complicated. Parenting requires all the skills we traditionally lack, organisation, foresight, caution (or whatever the opposite of impulsiveness is), attention to a LOT of details, time management, etc.

I agree with Sarah that you need to be as well and as functional as possible before you take on the responsibility of caring for someone else. Like you said, get your finances sorted, start saving, make sure you are in stable employment (and one that comes with maternity leave and allows you the flexibility that a single mother needs) and make sure that you have a reliable support network in place before you get pregnant. Other moms to be can be great for emotional support but how much practical support can they give? And where will you find them? How reliable will they be?

Also, you need to ask yourself, how much time exactly do you need on your own to recharge? Even with a nanny, I don't think that you will have a lot of time for yourself, especially if you are working full-time.

In addition, make sure that your health is sorted. You might not be able to take medication when you are pregnant or when you are breast feeding. Will you be able to cope without meds? How is your mood and emotional regulation without medication? Children can be emotionally quite taxing. Will you be able to cope? Would you be able to cope with a child that has ADHD as well?

It might help to make a concrete and detailed list of everything you need and tackle each point on its own.

I'm sorry if I'm being rather negative. It's good that you are thinking about what you want, what you need and what a child would need. Like I said I'm terrified of not being able to give a good home to my child. I'm also terrified of the possibility that I might never have a child. It sucks but in this case I'd say, it's better to err on the side of caution.

dvdnvwls
01-09-14, 03:57 PM
That's what I needed I think, since I'm a bit of a contrarian:

1) David: late in life - the older a woman is (mid-30's-->late-30's--> early 40's) the lower her 'natural' chances of conceiving get. That said, medicine has advanced leaps and bounds in the area in the past 10 yrs.
Yes, of course - that was already the context for my comment. So for you how old is too old? What's your cut-off year, and how old are you now?

dvdnvwls
01-09-14, 04:15 PM
2) act & finances-in-order: my life until I tame the huge energy source (ADHD) to my benefit and not detriment, find ways to be less overwhelmed by the prospect, stop quitting jobs, have better systems in place to help me find jobs quicker.... then I'll be "more" ready

money: when I do have a job, I'll earn enough for me & a nanny
This sounds, to be really frank, like ADHD-style wishful thinking. Planning ahead to be just making it, less overwhelmed, to be a bit more ready, to be "making enough for me and a nanny" - is missing the essential item - which is that you've paid off all your debts and still have lots of cash ready to pay the ones that are coming. Making enough for you to live on and enough to pay the nanny is the easy part; it's how much "having a kid" costs that's interesting. There are so many costs to it that it's overwhelming to try to list them.

Basically, needing that ADHD energy to be already fully harnessed, and the job situation already fully in order and stable, and the debts all paid and the bank account still bulging (by ADHD standards that is), before the child arrives, and not trying to get those things done at the same time.

acdc01
01-09-14, 09:01 PM
One inherits npd, so your child WILL have at least one or two traits of ADHD, Asperger or Tourettes. It could be extremely mild, but then again it could be severe.

Is there an article or something on the internet about this? I'd like to share it with my sister who has the I swear ADHD toddler.

janiew
01-09-14, 09:05 PM
In my experience, which is not gold standard or anything, I would say we jump in, do it and learn.

Then we might learn more than we want to learn.

And we might not do our kids justice. But we try really hard and they know they are loved.

There is no one who is perfectly equipped to be a parent. Parenting is a learned behavior...

Anastasia
01-10-14, 12:13 AM
I am a single mother due to divorce, before that he worked nights slept during the day. I was pretty much doing it by myself then as well.

Of course money is a necessity, but there is much more involved.

Bringing home a newborn is an amazing and beautiful experience, I have never been so in love, in fact the word "love" just doesn't seem to fit what a mother feels for her children. It is powerful and life-changing.

It is a selfless act on a daily and nightly basis at times. It can be tough on NT's as the say here, I call them earthlings, you get it. It "may" be a little tougher on us.

Some days can be very long, lonely and tiresome. You can lose who you are, in a sense. I'm sure you have heard new mothers share they haven't showered in days, spoken to another adult, haven't been out of their pj's in a while, clueless about current changes in things they had interest in, they just want sleep or nap etc. While it is certainly well worth it, without support and mental stability it can be a frightening experience. It can be hard on strong and stable married couples. Many new mothers won't share, they feel guilty or thought despite all of this they would be happier than ever. That is not always the truth and it doesn't mean she is not a loving mother. Your life is not your own anymore and all of your actions and consequences effect another now.The hormonal adjustments can be a huge factor for us as well.

If you maintain your care and treatment, and stay in touch with your feelings you can be a wonderful mother.

Many in recovery or living an emotionally conscious life are exceptional parents, due to our awareness and experiences. But it can go the other way drastically. If we think having a child will "change things", and we become stagnant or neglect our treatment then it can be disastrous and the child pays the price.

Money, organization, taking care of debt, and a nanny are very important. But 1st and foremost is the baby's well being, they sense their mothers emotional state very well.

Taking care of ourselves can be hard, if you're planning to be a single mom and then take into consideration the a.d.d etc. then motherhood starts now, by making the best choices for that child.

tryn-optmsm
01-10-14, 03:31 AM
Anastasia,

If I could use the Thanks icon several times I most definitely would !

You raised some really interesting points; yes my life spiraled out of control (ADHD + guilty feelings +...) and now that I'm coming back I am wiser. I know to be thankful for what I do have and others too numerous to mention.

People have children for different reasons. Wanting to take care of one and teach one, I think are good ones. Eyes-wide open as to the 'life no longer my own' - that's one of the reasons, now that I am learning to deal with the "overwhelmed and freeze" + "lax because there's tons of time..." I think I'm more ready...

Lonely and tiresome is another thing I learned to deal with along the way as well as the 'OMG shoot me now' due to fatigue ..

Off-med's is scary - thank G it takes 9+ months so I can get a hang of things in a new job before I go off them...

Again, nanny is just to outsource the tedious stuff...
As for my loans/debt - it's all student loans they set a monthly plan when my salary changes and they're subsidized so interest is low.

Thank you A for being so candid and forthcoming !

tryn-optmsm
01-10-14, 03:37 AM
Fuzzy12,

As for will I be able to manage an ADHD kid........ my answer is HECK YEAH !

aren't we the most suited to understand that they're not 'lazy, crazy or stupid' (I believed that most of my life - no matter how high I climbed professionally); we understand that they're not trying to annoy us but they think differently .....

We know it's ok to be and think differently...

Asperger and Turretz haven't heard of that one in any of the many books I read.... maybe it's a new discovery

Carol
01-16-14, 03:23 AM
..... Recently dated a guy who is quite financially secure ==> if we were to stay together (more serious + kids) and get a divorce ==> more money = better lawyer = I don't get to see the kid (so yes I ran..)

You ran away from a man you recently dated because you might stay together, you might get more serious, you might have kids, you might get divorced, his money might get him a better lawyer, and you might lose access to the kid you might have? It seems that you're making decisions based on pretty shaky grounds. A common cognitive distortion is to think we're better at predicting the future that we actually are. And kids make life much more complicated and unpredictable. I would have liked to have had more, but one so overwhelmed me that I knew it would be unrealistic to do so. I wish you the best!

someothertime
01-16-14, 08:10 AM
Your very brave tryn... to come here and discuss this openly. It also shows a level of maturity in itself.

I had kids when I was 19... full of youthful invincibility... I knew my fathers side had a history of mental illness... and my mothers side was "weird"... though I "was determined to shun their way"... this was years before any diagnosis... if I had to make the choice... knowing what I know now... it would add to the complexity indeed... which is kinda not right in some ways.... in alotta ways actually ( the complexity that is ) though the others are practical focussing on the day to day task management side of things... both for yourself and your child.

It's a pretty serious choice/topic your talking about here... OH CRAP! I'm in the womens section again!!! Soz... ( exits swiftly )... I swear my mind is 60% female :scratch:

tryn-optmsm
01-21-14, 08:55 PM
Someothertime:

Your input seems invaluable (you started early) , I'm sorry to say - I don't completely understand it

Brave? hardly, we're anonymous here, and who better to understand the feelings of overwhelm, mismanagement of details and all the other fascinating wonders that go w' ADHD than u guys ?