View Full Version : Bereavement


yellowflowers
01-08-14, 11:28 AM
Hi all,

I've been off line for a while. I haven't wrote about some stuff in my life on here - worried its not really relevant to what this form is about (ADHD). I lost a family member just before Xmas. I went back to work this week and its hard being there. But I know sitting around in my flat isn't going to help either.

Wanted to come on here and say hello

xxx

Fuzzy12
01-08-14, 11:59 AM
Hello flowers. I'm really sorry. Keep posting whenever you need some support. I DOn't think anyone minds if its not strictly t related to adhd

Lunacie
01-08-14, 12:14 PM
Hello to you. Condolences and warm cyber hugs. :grouphug:

I lost my sister on Dec. 23rd, six years ago. Kinda stumbled through the holidays on
auto-pilot that year. We both worked in the beauty industry - in different aspects - so
every time I go to work at the salon I was reminded of my sister. Over time, less so.

stef
01-08-14, 12:48 PM
hello glad you came back
so sorry for your loss :grouphug:

yellowflowers
01-24-14, 04:43 PM
Thank you guys for your support :grouphug:

Lunacie - sorry to hear about your loss X it helps to hear other people's experiences.

If I'm honest with myself I am really struggling, but it's strange because there is this big part of me that doesn't understand why I should be. It's all a bit of a confusing mess in my head right now. Hard to have patience with myself - probably because it feels like I've gone backwards in coping with life (and ADHD) which logically makes perfect sense cause of grief. But rationale this is normal/expected doesn't seem to stop the beating myself up.

I can see I'm depressed. But that label isn't really helpful. And it's frustrating I guess, because me being low isn't new. I speak with a bereavement counsellor - and I felt embarrassed - because if I speak about my difficulties, then it's like, well none of this is new, oh you were like this before the loss ....

And yes my was, I think, well there are different bits, but it's my problems -intensified. So it feels like it's not grief then, and I haven't really made sense of/accepted the loss as well. So I just feel like a stupid idiot taking about the same problems that I had made small progress with and now am not.

And then this intense guilt sets in, like it must not be normal kind of grief, what if I'm not grieving at all, did I not care?

I'm getting flashbacks to her last days - it was a difficult death, not how some people think death might look like.

I'm scared it will never make sense to me, but I know that's not true. This must be normal. And it's a loss that's been complicated by a lot of family stuff.

But people think someone has pretty normal life, then a bereavement, and are grieving, and then all is a mess for a while and then they go back pretty much to how they were - a person with very few problems. But I get big bouts of feeling hopeless, cause it's not as if I'm remembering last year and thinking, it was better before and it can be better again.

Does that make sense?

Sorry for the gloominess X

Rebelyell
01-24-14, 06:45 PM
1st and foremost big hugs to you.Yes your making sense.most of that is normal grief people handle grief in different ways.Depression waxes and wanes a lot at least for me it does.Dont hang around the people that discount you they don't have any experience obviously in losing a love one.I almost was close to losing my mom back in 2000,the drs didn't think she'd make It to xmas.she turned around and came home,I was sooo excited 2-3 days before xmas she ended up having to go back in.My mood sank soo deep it was like what the hell to hell w Christmas,felt like throwing the xmas tree in the middle of the street,set it ablaze and go back in the house and turn the lights off for Christmas.Fortunately a family from church invited us over to xmas day bro an I , Soo We didn't have to be by ourselves. She did pass away February 13th 2001 and I don't care what any one says,it is never the same,I still get intensely sad around this time of year, I can still see her lifeless colorless gray body in flashbacks and while I don't show it and the angst and sadness since shes gone has gotten better it doesn't go entirely away.I think if it did it would make you less of a person to not feel anymore. It took me 3 years before I could comfortably go into my parents bedroom and not lose it and get all hysterical and break down in tears,seeing my mom in pain on her bed even tho she wasn't there anymore.

stef
01-24-14, 06:49 PM
you're grieving and what you are feeling is healthy and normal
there is no time frame, its different for everyone

Lunacie
01-24-14, 07:44 PM
I agree with Stef. Your grief is *normal* for you.

salleh
01-24-14, 10:55 PM
In a 3 year period, I lost my 2 best friends, and my father ...then about 15 years later, I lost my business, my marriage, my sister and my mother .....I know about loss and the grief it causes ....

.....It's weird to try to explain ....and this might sound weird ...but when life sucks I read an extra a lot ...my world is sucking, so I go live in a books world ....but when you lose someone you're close to, be it a relative or a best friend....not even books can be a refuge .....

.....nothing is important ....your head is in a place where nothing really matters, all you know is that person is gone ...and gone forever .....it is surreal ....and unmitigated h*** to live through ....


......that's the initial grieving ...and it can last a long time ....I cried every day for a year after my sister died .....I'd get in the car, and the tears would come ....


....whatever you do ....know that you are entitled to grieve for as long as you need to ....let no one tell you to get over it ....and if they do ...walk away...that person isn't in your shoes ....maybe you can be friends in a while but for right now ...you don't need that person .....


....and the thing that's hard is that you never really stop missing that person ....ever ...but that surreal feeling does fade eventually .....and that's ok too, it doesn't mean that you're being disloyal, or didn't love them enough ....not by a long shot.....


......but eventually you are able to function again ....and that's good ....otherwise some of us would have no lives early on ....


......The one thing that helps me a bit is that I know I was lucky to have them in my life as long as I did ....most people never even knew them .....and I will take knowing them for x amount of years, rather than not knowing them at all .....


.......the only thing that really helps is time .....your loss is still very raw.....be gentle with yourself ....your soul has taken a big hit .....don't ask a lot of yourself .....and avoid people who are like sandpaper to your soul ......you know who they are .....it may very well be that they really don't get the additional pain they cause ....so maybe don't hold it against them ....but wait until you're stronger before you see them a lot ....


....I am sorry for your loss, and that's kinda all I can say ....I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone ......