View Full Version : something in common

01-12-14, 08:57 PM
Ive been thinking and id choose to be with someone who has adhd or similar as well, if i fell for an NA, there would always be critisism and i dont need it. I have enough of it . Someone who have similar problems as me would be on the same page and wouldnt put you down as much cause youll be going through the same thing.

Sorry i just repeated myself i think lol

01-12-14, 09:06 PM
My past GF had ADHD, but not to the same degree. It didn't work out in the end because my disfunction was just to troubling for her. I do get the desire to be with someone who gets it. My first partner was always blaming me for our troubles. you don't need that kind of aggravation. I hope that you find someone who can at least find some humor in our issues. it helps if they can look past the small stuff and focus on our deeper beauty.

01-12-14, 10:53 PM
Thanks! I hope you find your happyness too!

Dolorem Ipsum
01-13-14, 02:10 AM
Interesting thought. I'm pretty sure that my relationship with my partner works largely because he isn't really NT either, so my quirks don't bother him so much.

Obviously there's a whole bunch of other issues at play though. Personality. Values. How stable both of you are. Pheromones.

I think I got lucky because the Man-creature and I seem to complement eachother. I also don't understand how or why he puts up with my crap. The guy's seriously one in a million.

Although as the Whitlams say, "She was one in a million, so there's five more just in New South Wales (". :p

01-13-14, 12:50 PM
I don't know about that: yes, I do want someone who understands me, but I also want someone who compensates for certain flaws, like someone who is able to drive the car, because I can't drive at all. Also, I'm kinda scared of the impulsive type, since my brother was like that and it was no piece of cake for me to live in the same apartment as him.

Musical Dreamer
01-13-14, 02:56 PM
I was lucky to find a NT guy who is super understanding and patient. I don't think I could be with someone who is as inattentive and impulsive as me. It would probably be a disaster. There are so many things he is on top of that I don't even consider: our financial planning (including my awful credit), our living situation and pretty much everything that is crucial. I float through life without much thought about my responsibilities; he keeps me grounded.

I have to say that I do feel judged sometimes, but since I've been diagnosed (we were together for 5 years before I found out I had ADHD) we talk about it a lot. Most of the time, it's my defensiveness that is at play and it has very little to do with him. I know most people aren't as patient and willing to work on these types of things as a single unit. I lucked out, but I would advise not to discount anyone because they are neurologically different. I think it's best to have someone who complements you; someone who is strong where you are weak and vice versa. Because relationships are really about teamwork, after all.

01-14-14, 06:17 AM
husband is adhd. I married him when I was 20 and we have been married for 18 years. I got lucky. His deficits are my strengths and vice versa. It definitely a three ring circus in my house.

01-14-14, 09:01 AM
I understand your reasons for wanting to find someone who may relate and or be understand regarding your disorder. But be careful because it doesn't always workout that way in life.

When I was 17 years old I told my mom that I want to have a son, but I didn't want a wife.
She asked me why would I say that?

I said, because I think I would make a good father, but a terrible husband.

Pretty profound for 17, but I knew the extend of my disorder and I never in a million years thought another human much less a woman would ever put up with me for any length of time. (and quite frankly I wouldn't blame them)

I was wrong. The right person who was understanding, patient, and who loved me for who I was changed my life. I would not be here today if not for her.

If I matched up with someone mainly because they were AD(H)D it would not have worked.

With my disorder I did not communicate my feelings. (I always kept them hidden inside because I knew I was different from everyone else)

I was very selfish and self centered. (to have another person the same way would have been disasterous)

I'm not saying matching up with someone who has or doesn't have is a sure thing. I'm saying that either way it is going to take work, patience, and understanding to make a relationship successful.

So be careful looking for any specific charactersitic to determine a successful match up.

Now that I think about it, maybe a real rich woman would have been the best for me considering my impusivity to buying something when I want it! haha...

Good luck and I wish good things for you.

01-14-14, 12:53 PM
I agree with Tmoney. My husband is Neuro Typical and gives me support at every turn. He is very structured and was critical of me until we found out about my ADHD. Now he is now very supportive and helps me rise above my vunerablities, I had boyfriends that were ADHD and I found them to be too unstable. Our instabilities created chaos & stress.

Don't get me wrong. Two emotionally mature people who are experienced with their ADHD and are in touch with who they are as individuals could have a wonderful relationship. Unfortunately, most of us stuggle for years before we find that balance.

01-14-14, 02:45 PM
I think, I'd go crazy if I had to live with someone who's got ADHD as well. My mom drives me crazy. She talks non-stop about a million topics in 5 sentences and in 3 seconds. It's almost impossible having a conversation with her.

I don't mind the mess I create but I think, I'd struggle with other people's mess.I'm bad with structure but I crave it badly. Other people's disorganisation, unreliability, lack of structure, etc. again drives me crazy. :rolleyes:

It's not that I'm doing too well with my super NT husband but I think with another ADHDer we'd just bring the house down and kill each other in frustration and irritation.

I think, the best for me (and for every man in this world who could be a potential partner) would be for me to just be alone.

01-19-14, 01:21 AM
Ive been thinking and id choose to be with someone who has adhd or similar as well, if i fell for an NA, there would always be critisism and i dont need it. I have enough of it . Someone who have similar problems as me would be on the same page and wouldnt put you down as much cause youll be going through the same thing.

Sorry i just repeated myself i think lol

I've never been in a romantic relationship with a fellow ADD-er (not that I know of, anyway!) But having lived with a fellow inattentive-ADD-er for 33 years, I can say that I hope whomever I marry does NOT have it. It's extremely difficult to have a household with one person who is constantly distracted and hyperfocuses on many of the wrong things, while the other ADD-er is desperately trying to fight the same tendencies and keep everything running smoothly. Because inevitably if only one of the ADD-ers is trying to run the household and purposely gets needed things done while the other one does whatever they please all the time, resentment and anger is going to follow. It is EXHAUSTING to constantly clean up after that distracted person, trying to keep them organized while battling your own ADD.

Now, if both people are pulling their weight and/or are proper medication, none of this would apply. But I always knew (long before I was even diagnosed w/ ADD), that I wanted to marry a man completely different from me. In other words, a stable, single-minded, reliable, easygoing, non-daydreaming, non-changeable man. For balance to my many shortcomings. (Not that I see ADD as a flaw- I just know that I'm deeply flawed!) But that's me. I do see your point, Dionilda- a fellow ADD-er probably won't pass as much judgment on us.

01-19-14, 07:55 PM
let me quote something for you... it came to my mind when you said "someone who had similar problems "
I have loved this quote since the day I read it and few things hit as close to home as this one:

"...And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.” -Galway Kinnell

01-19-14, 09:05 PM
I suspect my x spouse was also severely ADD, and I'm PI.
I also just dated one who was mixed I think, and he had so many comormid..
and MI, it was too much to bear not matter how sweet he was....
I'd rather be with a very understanding NT.

01-20-14, 11:31 AM
So my romantic run-ins (OK disclaimer: I may not actually have ADD but I just feel like weighing in on this) with ADHDers - of which I've actually had a surprising amount when I think about it - usually are confusing and train wreck eventually but not in a really emotional/hurtful way just sorta... They never made it to the relationship phase, usually it's like wow!! Spontaneous!! (And I'm not talking about necessarily hooking up, but just being attracted to each other and spending lots of time together and being a little crazy.) they never really get to the deeper emotional what's actually happening here? There's no conversation. And then usually: well that was fun!!! And then maybe weeks later ... Er .... Friends now? Ok!

I have found ADHD guys wildly attractive but it's not even so much that relationships don't work (they wouldn't) they just don't happen to begin with.

I'm also attracted to more quiet, put-together kinda geeky types. (Adorable!) I really like guys who have a skill/passion they're good at. Those are the ones I've had long relationships with, it's more calm and there's time to talk and connect deeply. So, that's my current (and actually my previous) relationship.... Definitely an understanding NT.

01-29-14, 04:42 AM
My bf is add. Years into our relationship he said to me, I think you're adhd. He was right.

We get along on a very very deep level. He totally gets me and I totally get him. He's unbelievably incredibly sensitive esp to the outside world and its opinions so he probably didn't feel safe to open up to anyone about his *defects* until I came along. He has such a deep admiration and reverence for women (he's a freakin awesome to his mom and sisters) that women he dated easily tore him down. I mean he can be a bull in a china shop when ppl **** him off but dude has a seriously sensitive soul.

I was married twice before. Both NTs and I drove them both nuts. To be fair, the 2nd one was pretty messed up and he's the one who drove the marriage into the ground. Anyway I've been with my bf now for nearly 10 years and he gets me. He stuck with me thru my years of outbursts (I've mellowed with time and educating myself about all this) and was always supportive. He instinctively understood that there was a good person underneath all the crap and that's who he was in love with.

We had only been dating for two weeks when I told him I was in love with him. We've never had to "work" on our relationship. I mean we've had to talk about financial stuff... my goodness he can put up a fight when it comes to that... but we're on the same page about everything. And there's a deep respect for each other.

Ok I don't know why I'm rambling. I guess bc the financial stuff has been really stressful and I hate that he's 39 and still finding reasons to not go back to school (even though he says he talks about wanting to) and I'm always the one who initiates any kind of action to get anything done but dang, he does such an awesome job of taking care of me emotionally and if I ask him to help clean or cook or anything, he's on it. He says it's his job to make me happy.

I had no idea what add was when I met him and I certainly had no idea I had adhd but as far as a relationship, I've never gotten along with a man like this before. We're always in tune with each other and we can feel it when we're out of sync. We had an argument last night (money) and he did everything he could to put me off like he always has and was a jerk to me. So when he got home today he was ... just off. I could tell something was up. So when I asked him he said he was ashamed at how he had behaved and didn't feel like he deserved my love. So I said, well, work on how you can change that. We've had that kind of conversation many many many times over the years and he's actually doing it. Just the fact that he felt that bad is an improvement.

My ex would NEVER listen to me like that. NEVER. I once complained that he didn't sit with me on the couch to watch tv like he used to. His reaction? He didn't do a thing. He just never sat with me again. He didn't care about me or our marriage.

But my bf actually listens. And I've made huge changes for him too. Esp with my anger. I've worked for years to try to resolve it. Because I didn't want to hurt him like that anymore. Our relationship is all about give and take.

Anyway don't focus on whether the person has some kind of diagnosis or whatever. Just find someone you mesh with. Someone you just feel freakin good with. Someone who makes you not want to date anyone else.