View Full Version : Underlying Issues


BellaVita
01-17-14, 05:16 AM
Sorry about all of the threads as of late...

I'm realizing I have many underlying issues.

I'm depressed.

I have massive anxiety.

OCD is out of control.

I have to appear "stable" with people around.

But man, is this tearing at me.....

I know I haven't "lost" my ability to be positive, but honestly I'm so overwhelmed it's just difficult...

I'm realizing I really need people.

But I also, to some extent, detest it when I receive hugs and comfort because it makes me appear(feel) weak. Feeling weak is my weakness and that's when I spiral down into depression from incompetence and lack of self-sufficiency.

sarek
01-17-14, 07:11 AM
I wonder, Bella, have you been able to try any self awareness work yet? Finding underlying issues is exactly what in depth self observation is useful for.

And since you dont want big hugs, here's a small (hug)

BellaVita
01-17-14, 07:14 AM
Hey sarek. I forgot all about that.

I feel too overwhelmed to even try.

My thoughts are racy, I'm weird right now.

daveddd
01-17-14, 07:14 AM
((strong handshake))

BellaVita
01-17-14, 07:15 AM
((strong handshake))

:lol:

:grouphug:

BellaVita
01-17-14, 07:18 AM
I sometimes feel "well", then sink back down into this overwhelming "everything."

Sometimes I think "screw it"

I am going through too many ups-and-downs.

BellaVita
01-17-14, 07:20 AM
^^^ weak and incompetent

daveddd
01-17-14, 07:24 AM
yea, thats got to be the worst part of this

i feel well , sometimes well enough to think I'm "cured"

then the down comes, it changes my perception of the whole world

myself included

i wish there was an easy trick for changing this

Fuzzy12
01-17-14, 07:25 AM
Bella, I can so relate to wanting comfort and feeling weak and pathetic for needing comfort.

I was thinking today morning about all the threads I've been making and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

Having said that you don't strike me as a weak person. At all. You never did. You've got a hell lot of things to deal with, none of them your fault really, and you are dealing as well as you can. I think, you are being as self sufficient as possible and if you accept help for the things that you need help with, that's not weak, that's being strong and intelligent.

I've quoted a friend of mine several times on this forum but I'm going to say again what she told me about her depression:

"Being strong doesn't mean that you overcome all your problems. Being strong means knowing that you have to face your demons on a daily basis and still showing up for life."

BellaVita
01-17-14, 07:30 AM
"But if you see me ignore the gun we are still fighting for life."

Sorry, a quote I feel applies to me.

Then again, I've been dealing with suicidal ideation lately.

I *know* that's not normal for me. Just, in the grips of it, can't snap myself out.

Fuzzy12
01-17-14, 07:35 AM
"But if you see me ignore the gun we are still fighting for life."

Sorry, a quote I feel applies to me.

Then again, I've been dealing with suicidal ideation lately.

I *know* that's not normal for me. Just, in the grips of it, can't snap myself out.

It's very, very difficult to snap out of suicidal ideation. It's not wrong to try but it's tiring and draining. For me suicidal ideation fulfills a purpose. I'm dreaming of an escape and it's a comforting dream.

It's not a healthy dream though and the comfort never lasts long because sooner or later I realise that I don't want to actually die. I want to live. I just don't want to live like this.

BellaVita
01-17-14, 07:38 AM
I wonder sometimes when "enough is enough" of living.

But you're right Fuzzy, I want to live life too.

BellaVita
01-17-14, 08:56 AM
I must make it through this.

BellaVita
01-17-14, 09:11 AM
Dang. This is tough.

BellaVita
01-17-14, 09:12 AM
Chemical imbalance....

ProsnCons
01-17-14, 09:29 AM
Hey,

I'm on here today cos I'm looking for support to exactly the same things as you Bella. Just going through a period of overwhelm... literally 20 LARGE projects in the air and no ability to progress any of them.

When I get these days I often think of just walking away. Leaving everything behind, getting in the car and going..... somewhere. Releasing all my obligations, quitting the job and all the people around me that I bring down (or in my own distorted vision that I bring down).

And starting afresh. Waking up in the morning and only having one thing to do, that i had chosen. being free, I guess, to choose what to do, and going to sleep knowing everything is completed, and tomorrow is another exciting day to explore.

I know its just a vision, and not something I'd ACTUALLY do, but

1) Very occasionally I find myself in a situation where I get the feeling that i imagine i would get from the above. This is normally when I have gone somewhere to do 2 or 3 things, away from home, and one of them falls through for some reason. I find myself in a situation where I have maybe an hour or 2 with nothing to do, and instead of trying to fill it, I try to go find a bench in a park and just sit. no obligations. no deadlines. i just watch the runners, listen to the tress and feel the temperature. It can be quite a nice 'grounding'.

2) I have a year long plan to address some of the more difficult issues (about 4 months in) which gives me positivity and hope and was/is going well (except for december)

I share this just to share I guess. None of us is like the people around us, but that shouldn't mean we need feel alone or hopeless.

InTransit
01-17-14, 01:13 PM
That "enough is enough" thought process is really tough to break out of for me as well. And what Fuzzy12 said about live like this makes great sense. Thinking of all of the people that love me helps some, also I think about all of the people I could potentially let down if I wasnt around for them in terms of help/support. I know its not much but hope it contributes to you coming out of it as well.