View Full Version : Weddings and Family (God help us all)


Musical Dreamer
01-21-14, 12:44 PM
We've only just begun to start our wedding planning and I'm already prepared to give up and give in. I can't say I've dreamt of this day since I was a little girl. I never thought much about my future when I was younger. To be honest, I never thought I'd make it this far. I'm not sure what that means, I just know I could never see past my early 20s. But now adulthood is crashing into me and I can no longer resist growing up.

I love my fiance and I can't wait to marry him, but I don't think my voice is strong enough to get the wedding that I want. My mom has her ideas and his mom has hers. And I have no idea what I'm doing at all. I'm not really into this type of thing. If you take me to foot locker, I'll find the coolest pair of sneakers there, but I don't know what I want for a wedding dress. I feel like I'd be better off just letting other people make decisions for me. I enlisted my sisters as my maids of honor because they've been helping me with all things girly my whole life, but I know I won't be happy with the results if someone else plans everything. Despite being completely clueless, I'm still too much of a control freak.

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. We still have to plan a dinner for our parents to meet. That should be fun, considering both of our parents are really judgmental and they have absolutely nothing in common. I wish it could be a happy affair, a blissful celebration of our love for each other, but his mom is really good about making everything about her. Oh, and my dad is kind of a jerk. Should be fun.

I know I'm just freaking out and it's way to early to start, but I'm having a hard time being optimistic. I wish we could just elope, or at the very least just do it with our friends present. Both of us have too strong of a commitment to our families though. So ladies, my question to those who have been there before, how do you find your voice? I know we won't have a problem with planning because my fiance is all about organization, but how do I make sure things turn out the way I want? I don't have a single confrontational bone in my body. I'd rather suffer silently than protest, but I don't want to have to bear through what's supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

tripleE
01-22-14, 10:06 AM
21 ˝ years ago I was in your same situation. As far as my own family goes anyway, not so much the in-laws. I remember clearly wishing we could elope, but just like you not wanting to let our families down.

I compromised – I’m not religious but my Mom is extremely – so we got married in a United church with the minimum of religion involved in the ceremony.

Same with the planning. My Mom is super-organized, I am not. So she planned it and we gave our input. We spoke up on stuff that was really important to us and we let my Mom take over on stuff that really didn’t matter to us.

We felt like the wedding was really about giving our family a chance to celebrate with us. The marriage was about us (21 ˝ yrs and still ticking). And yes, it was also about avoiding confrontation!! Living with a judgmental strong personality in a parent is tough, especially during times like this. We had to decide – do we want her involved or do we elope – because I really wasn’t about to fight with family all the way to the altar.

In hindsight, we have never regretted having a formal wedding. It felt great.

My advice – pick your battles and have fun at the reception :-)

dvdnvwls
01-22-14, 12:55 PM
About the dinner where parents meet: I suggest going out and holding it in a very public restaurant, where if people want to get into an argument they will feel scrutinized, and where eventually it ends, everyone has to get up, and there's a natural opportunity to separate the factions. :)

Musical Dreamer
01-22-14, 01:21 PM
We are definitely choosing neutral ground for the initial meeting. I hope that I will be able to relax once that part is over. There's just too much uncertainty for my anxiety-riddled brain to handle right now.

Fuzzy12
01-22-14, 01:25 PM
Sorry, just realised I've got nothing useful or helpful to contribute. Hope it all goes well and you'll have a bit of fun too.

dvdnvwls
01-22-14, 01:39 PM
Getting all philosophical: Your wedding ceremony and reception aren't yours, or for you. They are a declaration that you're married now - and if in a church, then also a declaration of your intention to continue in that religious community together - and a party afterwards, of whatever kind you want and decide, thrown by you (and your relatives) for the guests. A wedding in a church or other religious place, or a wedding performed by any religious official, is a ceremony of that church, "owned" as it were by them, and you need to conform to their plans and expectations. A party after a wedding ceremony is basically the first party you've officially hosted together, and at a really good wedding you'll be the ones quietly checking to make sure everyone's glass is full and they're having a good time, rather than being the centre of attention.

What really is yours, and done in exactly the way you want, is what happens after the guests go home.

Wink wink. ;)

Musical Dreamer
01-23-14, 10:39 AM
It's funny you mention the religious ceremony because we chose a to have a destination wedding as a way of avoiding most of that. Our families are both devout in very different religions. His is Catholic; mine is Muslim, but neither of us are religious at all. We figured a small civil ceremony on the beach in Mexico (one of the first places where we vacationed together) was the best way to make it about us. Maybe it's a little selfish of us, but the past almost 6 years of us being together has been way too much about our families (overcoming differences and all).

I guess that's my main struggle. I want so much for it to be just a handful of friends and family that are close, but I see it becoming a much bigger to-do than either of us want. But I could just be going crazy way too early...

I could literally go on about this forever, but I'll stop ranting now.

Bumr50
01-23-14, 11:17 AM
I did the same thing, as my wife is Evangelical and I'm Catholic.

(Aventura Spa - now Hard Rock, Riviera Maya)

We've been married five years now, and have just now started started attending services. We go every other week, as even though they're both Christian faiths one service is very different from the other.

I actually prefer the ritual and quiet meditation of the Catholic mass over the boisterous, "hands-on" evangelical service, but I get something different out of each.

It's interesting to think that Catholic and Muslim services are similar in that regard, IMHO.

Both of us view marriage as something that needs to be an intensely individual choice, and as long as we agree to it's terms with each other that's really all that matters.

I used to deal with wedding I really didn't want to be at with 7 & 7's, but haven't been to one since I've stopped drinking.

dvdnvwls
01-23-14, 03:05 PM
It's funny you mention the religious ceremony because we chose a to have a destination wedding as a way of avoiding most of that. Our families are both devout in very different religions. His is Catholic; mine is Muslim, but neither of us are religious at all. We figured a small civil ceremony on the beach in Mexico (one of the first places where we vacationed together) was the best way to make it about us. Maybe it's a little selfish of us, but the past almost 6 years of us being together has been way too much about our families (overcoming differences and all).

I guess that's my main struggle. I want so much for it to be just a handful of friends and family that are close, but I see it becoming a much bigger to-do than either of us want. But I could just be going crazy way too early...

I could literally go on about this forever, but I'll stop ranting now.
This is something many many couples go through, and your own personal solutions and compromises won't be exactly like anyone else's. But knowing it's a common experience, hopefully you can "pick other people's brains" a bit, and find out what worked for them.

tripleE
01-24-14, 10:52 AM
We figured a small civil ceremony on the beach in Mexico (one of the first places where we vacationed together) was the best way to make it about us.

I think that sounds wonderful! Almost as good as eloping :-)