View Full Version : [Potential Trigger] Feeling soul sick,


serdis90
01-23-14, 08:01 PM
I have been depressed on and off for the past few years. Mainly this is related to my academic inabilities. Since I was a Kid i've always wanted to be an engineer, precisely a mechanical engineer due to my interests in firearms. I left that ambition early... because I ****** up secondary school, and my general inability in maths hindered me from ever entering an institute that deals withs science. I always wanted to do that. I always wanted to follow my

My grandfather was poor, and he had to pull himself up by the bootstraps out of poverty. He sacrificed his life to support his siblings and raise his. My dad was destined to be an engineer, but external conditions forced him end that dream half-way. I was supposed to carry on my fathers legacy

I feel like life dealt me a bad set of cards. The things that I want are denied to me. It feels unfair as hell. In my head... it wasn't supposed to be like this, I wasn't supposed to be defeated by something that is impossible to beat. I wasn't supposed to fall because of some genetic flaw I had no control over. I feel ashamed and in dishonor, I feel worthless and helpless. Sometimes I feel like the only decent thing to do and the only way out is to put a gun to my temple and pull the trigger.

I don't know what to do in my situation and what to feel. It's like my existence is void. I only live to breath, ****, eat and do what i have to do to survive.

I'm sorry, If i'm overbearing and gushing out my feelings, but life is intolerable for me, this is intolerable.

phantasm
01-23-14, 10:41 PM
:grouphug: Hugs Serdis, and welcome to ADDF. Check out the forum and know you are not alone. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time and hope you can find some comfort and better understanding here on the forum. :)

yellowflowers
01-24-14, 05:07 PM
Hi Serdis, thanks for posting on here, your not alone feeling like this. I can relate to some of what you describe, the feeling of a meaningless existence, and the feeling can't bear a moment more of it.

Felt like that really intensely 2 days ago, for me it's this suffocating trapped feeling. Can't live and can't die. , I think about suicide at really bad times like these, but I've never gone there/attempted, whatever word want to call it. I've never regretted not doing it. I've never looked back and wished I'd taken my life. In a way, it can feel like another choice I just don't have - cause it would destroy some other people. I wouldn't just be shooting myself. Even though they are not keeping me here ( as I feel pretty much entirely alone at the moment - sorry, hope this isn't too much to be saying), I don't feel their company, don't feel relief at their presence ( I see them so little anyway) I know that killing myself would damage them pretty irreparably.

At the moment I am just existing. Can get enjoyment/pleasure from nothing. Food is tasteless etc. I just keep showing up for the day. I feel like I have no other choice. I'm trying to accept that at the moment, it's **** and I am going to carry on in the **** and try stop beating myself up (it sounds like you do that too?) for feeling **** and not being able to make it better.

Maybe if I acept how it is - which is **** - and accept that, and not try run away from it, maybe in time I'll find some way to find moments of good bits in all the ****.

Sorry if that's not helpful / or didn't makes sense, which is likely.

Thinking of you and know other people will know how some of what your feeling really feels. There are people on this forum who know that space, the worthless gun to your head space

Your not alone X