View Full Version : Another day of depression


fracturedstory
02-11-14, 05:41 PM
It probably won't last long but right now it feels severe enough to think the usual hopeless thoughts.

It's giving me writer's block, well, writer's block seemed to have triggered it. That and restless sleep.

I don't want to tell anyone around me but then I think if I don't they will act in their usual bossy way which to me will feel 10,000 times worse. I don't care if they know or not, I just don't want them fussing over me. They get this thing their head where they think giving me a suffocating amount of attention actually helps me.

F**K doctors. F**k calling someone. I haven't done it yet so never will.

Oh, I finally admitted to myself my PTSD related anxiety was so bad that I won't go see this band I've been waiting for ages to see. I can either choose severe anxiety or depression it seems.

And lastly: I hate my life.

Fuzzy12
02-12-14, 06:14 AM
Fractured. Those short bouts of depression are bad enough. I know that sooner or later they will pass (well, I'm still hoping..) but in that moment that's only a little comfort.

Maybe you could just tell the people around you that you aren't feeling too great and need a bit of space today.

Hope you feel a bit better soon!!

fracturedstory
02-13-14, 06:22 PM
Annnd it's back. I think this will be a long one. I also have some physical exhaustion too.

I think I will have to tell people around me. Last time I just wanted to slit my wrists because they wouldn't leave me alone.

Fuzzy12
02-14-14, 06:15 AM
If they aggravate you, better tell them. I'd also tell them that you need some space when you are feeling like this.

Raye
02-14-14, 07:17 AM
In my experience, most ppl (esp. NT's) are over bearing and bombard me with questions when I'm depressed. LIKE they can fix it, yanno?

sometimes you just want left alone when depressed...some people just don't get it. :(

Fuzzy12
02-14-14, 08:25 AM
In my experience, most ppl (esp. NT's) are over bearing and bombard me with questions when I'm depressed. LIKE they can fix it, yanno?

sometimes you just want left alone when depressed...some people just don't get it. :(

Sigh, I know what you mean. I guess, they mean well but it's not always helpful. The biggest problem I have is with explaining my depression. My husband is usually pretty good at spotting when I'm down or sinking but often I avoid telling him or I try to pretend that I'm fine because I don't want to have to explain why I'm depressed again. Sometimes because there isn't a particular reason, sometimes because I think the reason would hurt or worry him and sometimes just because I don't want to talk, neither about my triggers nor about anything at all.

And all the well meaning advice drives me crazy as well. My mom, in particular, keeps listing all the reasons why I shouldn't be depressed. I know that there is a lot of good in my life but that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better, on the contrary, it just makes me feel guilty and ungrateful.

The worst are the attempts to cheer me up though. It's super annoying and not helpful at all. My depression can't be cured by making me laugh (for example). I appreciate the attempt but it puts more pressure on me and again I feel pressurised to honour their good intentions by pretending to cheer up.

Raye
02-14-14, 02:16 PM
:goodpost:

I couldnt have said it better!

Amtram
02-14-14, 03:56 PM
I hate when people try to "cheer you up." Great. Now I'm not only depressed, but I feel guilty for not appreciating all the wonderful things I have in my life. Thanks a lot.

fracturedstory
02-14-14, 10:22 PM
If they aggravate you, better tell them. I'd also tell them that you need some space when you are feeling like this.
If I could I would. I cannot tell them anything of the sort. It's like I have a block in my brain.

Click on my first blog link to learn more.

Still depressed by the way. I found some red wine. So....I no longer want to die ASAP anymore. Feel pretty bad that I must self-medicate again.
Went 3 whole months without it.

agirlandherdogs
02-14-14, 11:52 PM
when your down like this what can other people do? what is best for you, from others? just to hear you out when you want to be heard? be quiet with you? be present with you?

hope it snaps soon!
:grouphug:

fracturedstory
02-15-14, 09:07 PM
I'd like it if people didn't bark orders at me. Even just suggesting things, although asking it as a question is not so bad. And pretty much in this state people cannot convince me of anything so they should just drop it.

Mania + depression today. Feel like crap. Feel ok. Feel like crap. Feel better again.

I'd rather be left alone. As in in my environment. Need quiet too. I'm not sure now. My mood has changed a bit and I have more energy, don't want to die as much but seem to be more irritated at people.

I wouldn't want to live in this state for a very long time. I hope my sister can get me to the doctor's before either on of us turns manic again.

It is time to medicate.

fracturedstory
02-16-14, 04:27 AM
Boo! You should like talk to me because I'm like sad and stuff.

You got me! I'm hypomanic again.

Fine. See you in three days.

fracturedstory
02-26-14, 01:12 AM
Hi. Me again.

This bout of depression actually feels like it's not related to my moods. I seemed to go hypomanic yet the feelings, while less intensive, were still there.

I've been wanting to write a blog post about it but it's been too hard to write anything coherently today.

Last night I felt really lonely when at a gig then this morning I felt the usual depressive triggers of seeing photos other people had taken from two gigs I attend but didn't have any access to take photo at. It really doesn't seem that I will ever get my chance to take photos of a band again.
People wonder why I stop going to gigs and take photos. It causes me a great deal of anxiety to get to venues and last night I almost had a panic attack just by being so close to people and with my PTSD triggered anxious thoughts. That was just way too much for me.

And to make matters worse after a manic depressive fueled argument between me and my friend she hasn't talked to me for a couple of days.

So I'm feeling lonely, friendless (no close friends), and even my current unemployment situation is getting me down. Everything just seems too hard and I just want to stop trying.

I'm also bored which isn't good because all I have to occupy myself with are these thoughts. I just have very little brain power today.

Vector
03-05-14, 03:09 AM
Maybe you should try just that for a while, FracturedStory, stopping to try so hard to control your life.

Focus on the things you already have. You are a pretty and intelligent woman, you have a few people around who care about you, you are gifted in writing stuff. Don't focus on your 'negative' attributes, like autism, depression, so much. Let them just be. According to physicists, this whole universe wouldn't even exist without imperfection. More strongly, imperfection leads to the most beautiful natural fenomina.

My guess is that you don't find full satisfaction in writing or photographing because you compare constantly your work/achievements to what other people make. Just focus on your own personal development, I am sure you are growing as a person and as a writer. See the beauty of your own creations, don't let a few flaws destroy your happiness.

So, just do your thing, have fun, don't worry so much, follow your way and let life be.

(((big friendly hug)))

fracturedstory
03-07-14, 06:06 AM
I'm actually not as young as I look. Still young too many but not too young to have enough time to change my life around.

I've tried to ignore the depression and even embrace my autism but it eventually all hits me. Tonight I was fine until I was asked rather harshly to leave the lounge room.

It feels like when I don't try hard enough that things will never work out. For example even though there's a pattern to the time where I can write my screen play if I don't get a little bit anxious about it and keep trying to work on it then it doesn't seem to happen. By that I mean I don't get that window of focus that hits at the same time the ideas flow.

I have to at least organise myself with a list of tasks to do for the day otherwise I won't get anything done. I've even tried to throw that out and that had disastrous effects.

It's hard to just do my photography without comparing myself to others because it is a very competitive field.

I've been playing game applications which seem to help with my anxiety at least. I haven't completely lost it even though it's been reaching its peak a few times today. I'm thinking about getting a console just so I can spend more time playing and get some time away from people.

I just really wanted to relax in front of the TV tonight but didn't get a chance to do that.

But thanks for offering advice. I'll probably think about it later and consider putting it into practice.