View Full Version : Please listen to your non-ADD partner... their opinion matters...


tester
02-14-14, 05:11 PM
Please listen to your non-ADD partner... their opinion matters... after all, they are living your ADD with you...

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Tester... i'm 42, and was diagnosed with ADD about a year ago... and have been on Ritalin for 6 months... and I thought it was helping me... and to a point it was (disclaimer: please do not think that i am suggesting medication is the end-all solution, it is only the start, BUT it is the start...)

everybody, every body, and every brain is different, so do NOT be afraid to try different medications... and please listen to your spouse when he or she tells you that she feels strongly that your current dose, or release style isn't working... medication IS essential, but the incorrect medication can be as harmful...

when someone is "out of their head" it is not always recognized be that person... and even if they know, sometimes they may not be able to stop themselves because they aren't in their right mind...

Here is my personal experience as explained by my doctor... the one i visited this morning...

Ritalin for me in the beginning was great because it allowed me to focus better, gave me that moment of pause... but as the doses increased to give me better control when in my system, they triggered extreme withdrawal side effects when it wasn't in my system... Ritalin for me was't the solution... the way that it metabolised in my system cause major swings up and then major swings down... chemical withdrawal causes mood swings, anger, irrational outbursts, depression, hopelessness, etc...

it never occurred to me that the drug meant to treat me could exacerbate the problems... the doctor confirmed it... thanks doc... so she suggested i start Concerta instead which is slow steady release and wouldn't cause such a huge dose swing... which was causing daily chemical imbalance swings starting around 4pm...

this initial ramble was only part of my point... the other important point,and the one that needs to be made most of all... Please listen to your non-ADD partner... their opinion matters... after all, they are living your ADD with you... i suffer with ADD, but my spouse suffers right along with me, and more so because half the time i don't know what i'm doing to her emotionally...

oh, and guess what? my spouse told me that my emotions weren't in check for months, that my mood swings were getting worse and worse... that my venomous reactions to conversations were out of control... but i didn't hear her... i saw it as a personal attack...

people, please learn from mistakes... your spouse loves you, and isn't trying to attack you, she is trying to make you hear... and for the record... it hurts them as much to see you out of control, as it does for you to ignore their concerns. i get it. it is hard to take instruction from your spouse when it feels like they are "calling you down"... but damn it... that is in your own "unstable head"

if you love your spouse, hear them... believe them... they are crying for your attention...

thank you Mittens for giving me the strength to start on the road... and a sidenote, for those of you non-ADD'er, it isn't always the fear of going to a counsellor that keeps us from taking that step... for me it was/is the task of finding someone, booking an appointment, remembering said appointment, and getting their... perhaps another ADD'er can chime in and better express the overwhelming fear of organizing an appointment? Mitten has agreed to help me help myself with getting an ADD therapist, and in turn, help us as a couple.

ADD'er... don't be afraid to ask for help... and non-ADD'er, please help us if we ask... because you have no comprehension how hard it is to ask for that help... we don't want to show weakness more than we feel we have already shown... that might just be a guy thing :)... but the point is real... it can be fear and pride that keeps us from reaching out... fear of being (or feeling) alone in a relationship is pretty common on both sides of the ADD/non-ADD equation...

to new beginnings.
happy valentines days friends.

gotta go now... running late as usual

datajunkie
02-14-14, 06:31 PM
I'm just starting Ritalin and have asked my sweetheart to keep tabs on me. So far, going well.

As a potential problem down the line for all readers info, did you notice any difference if your wife gave you feedback when your dose was on the way up, about peak level or the downside? Was it easier to hear the harder stuff when your dose was higher rather than before or after peak? I was fortunate that most of my life I never had PMS but when perimenopause hit and before I had hormones rebalanced, there were times I came close to beating my husband's head in for his least tactful statements. Now they were things that truly could have been stated more carefully but the difference in my hormonal state and my response was significant. As was my response to things such as opening the refrigerator and having something fall out and land on my foot. Not a valid reason to try to rip the door off. I never did nor did I ever grab that cast iron pan but there were times I had to dash out the door until I regained control.

Did she usually mention this when you were at your worst?

RedHairedWitch
02-14-14, 10:06 PM
Glad to hear you got to the doc! Hopefully the new meds work better for you :)

TLCisaQT
02-14-14, 11:10 PM
THanks for the update and glad to hear you are trying something different! hope it works for you :) (and Mittens hehe)

sarahsweets
02-15-14, 05:55 AM
all of these things could be said for the adhd spouse or partner as well/

Abi
02-15-14, 05:56 AM
Sarah! I was gonna say that! :mad: :)

sarek
02-15-14, 06:11 AM
It goes both ways. But instead of looking for conflict, isnt it better to look for solutions? It takes effort from both sides to both listen and understand.

sarahsweets
02-15-14, 07:25 AM
:p :lol:Sarah! I was gonna say that! :mad: :)

someothertime
02-15-14, 08:00 AM
listening to ask for do is a "trigger often"...

may i risk sounding oppositional and one sided ( which i am not - well not in this context anyway ;) ) by suggesting... "shown need"...

i fear much the good will in your post is lost if there is not an emphasis on this point...

"listen" > "step back/be open"
"ask" > "communicate need"

=

accommodate and evolve

Mittens
02-17-14, 01:41 AM
all of these things could be said for the adhd spouse or partner as well/

I 100% agree.
It's just as important to really listen and understand your partner, otherwise how much good can your own support be to them?

Communication in general is so,so, so important in relationships, and the open mindedness to really hear and listen.

MuEdLife
02-22-14, 10:32 AM
I never even considered emotional changes, I've let my fiancÚ know he needs to keeps tabs on me in my medication journey. Thank so much for this post and I'm sorry for your loss.