View Full Version : What do you think of this ?


Greengrasshoppe
02-16-14, 03:03 PM
Here's a convo I had with my BF yesterday. We don't spend enough time together IMO and he's not big on gifts in general. I've told him little things are important to me.

Me: Here's the deal: I feel like an option for you not a priority. I know you're going through a lot of isht at home and work. So I haven't said much. But it's REALLY HARD FOR ME.

Him: i know.. right now i know my priorities are all messed up... I get that.. and I am REALLY sorry

Me: I didn't get even a card. I can only blame so much on your ADD. We just have so little [time] together, little things mean something. To me.

Him: true.. but it ain't new.. I guess I just got out of the habit

Me: No it isn't new. It's old. I also feel like I give a lot. Probably too much.

Me: I'm sorry.. I will make a greater point to focus on it... i just got out of all that kind of routine

Me: I don't mean to come down on you when you have enough isht going on. But today was a hard day for me.

Him: No..its OK.. and I totally get it

What should I do here?

Greengrasshoppe
02-16-14, 06:00 PM
Anyone? I'd love some input here. If I'm being unreasonable with him, for example.

daveddd
02-16-14, 06:02 PM
Anyone? I'd love some input here. If I'm being unreasonable with him, for example.

i don't think so

at think we are more than capable of getting something small at least , to show we care

VeryTired
02-16-14, 06:11 PM
This sounds pretty familiar to me. You're not being unreasonable, but this is a tough row to hoe. It's likely that he is only dimly aware of how this feels to you and how he may have changed from earlier, happier, more attentive times. To met it sound alike the end of a new relationship hyperfocus may be part of the story.

I don't have many answers to offer. The starting point is changing your expectations to match the reality of the situation, and to stay within the realm of the possible. But it's very dangerous and unwise to get caught in a situation where your needs are usually characterized as impossible, and thus they don't get met. That's not sustainable or healthy.

I hope more people will write in with ideas about this--I have none and need them badly. Thanks for raising an important question.

dvdnvwls
02-16-14, 06:56 PM
You are saying "When will he learn that little things are important to me? Even just a card would be nice, I would feel better, and it wouldn't be that difficult."

He is saying "When will she learn that little things are not important to anybody? Why should anyone waste the time and energy to buy someone a piece of paper that only tells them what they already know?"

So... you've told him little things are important. When is he finally going to learn?

But... he's told you little things are not important. When are you finally going to learn?


Maybe the point is "Yes, in fact, it would be that difficult."
Maybe the point is he needs to get you a card anyway.


Or maybe there's a way that honours both of you, instead of ending up with a winner and loser?

VeryTired
02-16-14, 07:03 PM
wow, dvd--so cogent! I love how you break it down. Very clear.

This actually mirrors an unresolved conversation at my house yesterday. I tried to tell my partner how I felt about something, and he said "I don't understand, and it doesn't matter." I was appalled--obviously, to me it matters. But, like the card Greengrasshoppe did't get because it didn't matter to her boyfriend, understanding my feelings on this topic really didn't matter to my partner.

I agree that no one wins if there are winners and losers--there needs to be some non-conflicted way of getting everyone what they need. I guess, though, I tend to think that if one person cares a lot about something, the other person should overcome not caring about it, and try to give the one who cares what s/he wants. If both partners normally do that for each other, wouldn't it even out well in the end?

daveddd
02-16-14, 07:07 PM
wow, dvd--so cogent! I love how you break it down. Very clear.

This actually mirrors an unresolved conversation at my house yesterday. I tried to tell my partner how I felt about something, and he said "I don't understand, and it doesn't matter." I was appalled--obviously, to me it matters. But, like the card Greengrasshoppe did't get because it didn't matter to her boyfriend, understanding my feelings on this topic really didn't matter to my partner.

I agree that no one wins if there are winners and losers--there needs to be some non-conflicted way of getting everyone what they need. I guess, though, I tend to think that if one person cares a lot about something, the other person should overcome not caring about it, and try to give the one who cares what s/he wants. If both partners normally do that for each other, wouldn't it even out well in the end?

i believe in relationships , you care about the other persons emotions and wants

adhd, bipolar , anxiety, whatever the case

execfunc
02-16-14, 09:10 PM
I always remember to get my girl stuff for Valentine's Day. It's one area I somehow, against the odds, manage to consistently do well in year after year. It's really nice, of course. But then, I forget about the exhausting work, family, etc. struggles she just told me about, as I make a thoughtless, offhanded remark about how she didn't clearly explain to me something about the details of paying my bills (one of my responsibilities that I always allow to get out of hand, and which she has straightened out for me). Why did this happen? Because I was distracted by something else (don't even remember right now). I realized immediately what I'd done, and broke down.

I think it's good for those of us with ADHD to have accountability and structure. Some can handle more or less than others. People with less ADHD cognitive/emotional impairment than I have are probably a lot easier to live with, while those with more than I have are probably worse to live with. I don't know how severe it is for your guy, but I do know that the simple, obvious, and easy things for us are often mysterious, complex, and grueling sometimes not possible at all. It's hard. It's always hard.

Only you can decide what your frustration threshold is, and how much is more than enough. Just remember, though, that this disorder is an unending stretch of time (life) in a locked room with floor to ceiling windows that reveal a life that we can see, understand, and grasp for, but can never fully be a part of. I hate to sound so melodramatic about it, but it really can be hellish knowing that you want to improve, suspecting that there is a way for you to improve, but cannot quite make happen (or do so in a consistent manner). (I'm hoping I'll have a rosier outlook after having spent more time in my still somewhat nascent treatment!) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I suspect he cares and wants to please you, but just struggles to do so at this point.

RedHairedWitch
02-16-14, 11:04 PM
You might want to check out the 5 love languages, it's a website and book about how different people express love and affection differently. Some people are gifters, other's it verbal etc etc it's entirely possibly that you guys have very different love languages and these things are being miscommunicated and misunderstood.

Now, not to be mean but to ask genuinely, you mentioned in another thread that you got him nothing for valentine's day. Yet you are angry that he also got you nothing. In another thread you also mentioned being upset when you asked him to sweep you off your feet for a romantic getaway- that you were unwilling to pay for, or help organize. You also mentioned in that thread that you've been asking for quality time, without actually doing any planning of quality time yourself, and without discussing what quality time means for you guys. Don't you see a little hypocrisy here? Do you expect him to read your mind or read hints? Are you buying into the hollywood ideal of romance?

Are you sure you're not unintentionally setting this guy up for failure?

TLCisaQT
02-17-14, 01:12 AM
Sounds like you expressed your feelings and your needs, so that's not unreasonable. What are your expectations now? that it will change? I'm not so sure I'd hold my breath :) But at least you expressed it...
I learned quickly AFTER marrying my husband with ADHD that my expectations were going to have to change or I'd be miserable. Good luck.

Mittens
02-17-14, 01:14 AM
Would there be a way to talk about compromising?
Scheduling and being prepared is very important to me. However, my bf has add and that is very unfeasible to expect from him.
But, we also sat down and talked about things that would still make me feel special, and also be feasible for him.
As an example, and living in Canada in the winter, he would get up *every* morning to start my car for me.

No, he'll never be able to give me a weeks agenda, or even concrete time line for any tomorrow, but I think him making sure I never have to freeze my canuck bum off at 6am is so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. He works for himself so rarely has to actually get up in the morning, which makes it in my eyes even sweeter.

It helps me to try to think of things in a very 'outside the box' way. Kind of like okay, goal is to achieve x. Whether that's feeling appreciated or loved or what have you, and think of a way that may be untraditional, but still achieves x.

I apologize, i'm not great at explaining things.

Would sitting down and talking to your partner be an option with something like that? I do find approaching conversations like that with more ofa'okay, we have this problem to solve, how can we put our heads together to figure something out?'
My bf is very, very intelligent and creative, so he responds great to tackling a challenge together as opposed "this is what I need, you make me feel this way,what are you going to do about it?"

Everyone has the right to express their needs, i've just learned with my partner approach is *everything*.

Hope that helps

dvdnvwls
02-17-14, 02:08 AM
Differentiating between wishes and needs is also important; a need is a very big deal.

sarahsweets
02-17-14, 04:46 AM
is this about valentines day? If it is, its important to realize that valentines day in the great scheme of things means nothing. Its a made up holiday so to speak. What would be more important is if you had a special anniversery and he didnt recognize it, or forgot your birthday.

Greengrasshoppe
02-17-14, 08:13 AM
Thanks everyone. On one hand I'm relieved to know others have experienced this (although I feel for them); OTOH I'm scared.

Fuzzy12
02-17-14, 08:37 AM
Grasshopper, following on to what RHW said, it might be worth to reevaluate your expectations not just with respect to a relationship with an ADHDer but with anyone. I'm afraid if you are looking for a hollywood type - sweep me off my feet- romantic relationship you run the risk of getting disappointed with most men (or women), ADHD or not.

You have told your boyfriend your needs (or wants) and that's good. He seems to have basically agreed to everything but I think, both you and he need to think about if he can fulfill those needs at all (and if he should...).

It's great that you are communicating but I'd also recommend being a bit more specific. If you posted your conversation verbatim, it sounds rather vague to me and personally, if I was your boyfriend I wouldn't really know after the conversation what exactly was expected of me (or what I'm really agreeing with).

Also, you seem to be addressing a lot of points under the heading "evidence that you care for me". , Affection, i.e. caring for someone and making them your number one priority isn't always directly correlated. Presents and romantic surprises (to me, at least) are very remotely correlated with affection or priority.

One last point, you have mentioned several times that he is going through quite a few problems. Again, just to me, valentine's day takes a very low priority compared to **** at home and work. For someone with ADHD, in particular, it's easy to feel overwhelmed, especially if they need to deal with problems in several areas of life.

Here's an idea for spending some quality time together: Ask him to meet you for a few hours (when both of you are relatively free and relaxed), maybe over a meal, coffee, whatever. Sit him down and ask him about his problems, listen and maybe (though don't push it) try to think of some solutions together. There are very few things that make me feel closer to someone than really having their undivided and non judgmental attention. There are also very few things that make me feel closer to someone than them trusting and confiding in me and valuing my thoughts in and inputs. Quality time doesn't have to be romantic. Often, it just means being a friend to your partner.

RedHairedWitch
02-17-14, 05:04 PM
"... allow me to point out that there are few things more unpleasant than feeling forced to give someone a gift. If you have already discussed this with your boyfriend and he's still resistant, then instead of focusing on what you're not getting out of this relationship, try focusing on what you are getting. It may help you to feel less deprived."

From a Dear Abby column where the letter writer was complaining that her boyfriend never buys her valentine's gifts.

dvdnvwls
02-17-14, 05:07 PM
Fuzzy, I agree with a lot of what you wrote, and I think it's very perceptive.

However, the part about "sit him down and ask him" is a counterproductive fantasy, especially if the man has ADHD.

If there's something you want to know from a man, especially a man with ADHD, then "sit him down and ask him" is a guaranteed way to ruin everything. Yes, having a "sit-down" about such a topic makes the woman feel like this "should" make the relationship closer, and it makes the man feel cornered and desperate and inadequate and paralyzed.


Added note: I think there's maybe a perception that "This is about something nice, and so the sit-down is not threatening". If you're sitting me down about anything, then whatever that is, to me it has automatically become something not nice. Maybe that's the point.

RedHairedWitch
02-17-14, 05:16 PM
*nods* usually if I have something to say to my man, relationship wise, I wait until we are playing video games or walking the dogs together. Or message him via facebook. And keep it short and sweet. As few words as possible.

He does the same for me.

While walking the dogs: "You know how yesterday you wanted to get some drive through, but then couldn't make a decision on which place to go to? That's really frustrating. I need you to be more decisive please. There's no wrong answer to choosing McDonald's over Wendy's."

Mittens
02-17-14, 05:20 PM
I have to reiterate the point about being specific.
I've learned the WORLD of difference (and I can't say enough how major) between being vague and specific.

Ie. "BF, I need you to be reliable".
-he panics. He doesn't know what I want, he tries to do a bunch of things that he guesses but can't focus on one and fails all of them.

"BF, I need you to make dinner on Tuesday's and Thursday's because I will be working late. I also need you to let me know on the Sunday of each week you are leaving town for that week".
-bf may not 100% remember to do both, but he has specific things to always *try* for, that he *knows* exactly what i'm asking and it makes a huge, huge difference.

Be specific. It can take a lot of effort on your part because *you* need to figure out the specifics of what you need, and that sounds simple but it can be actually difficult.

I'm by no means an expert, or even good at all this, but just something i've learned along the way.

daveddd
02-17-14, 05:22 PM
I have to reiterate the point about being specific.
I've learned the WORLD of difference (and I can't say enough how major) between being vague and specific.

Ie. "BF, I need you to be reliable".
-he panics. He doesn't know what I want, he tries to do a bunch of things that he guesses but can't focus on one and fails all of them.

"BF, I need you to make dinner on Tuesday's and Thursday's because I will be working late. I also need you to let me know on the Sunday of each week you are leaving town for that week".
-bf may not 100% remember to do both, but he has specific things to always *try* for, that he *knows* exactly what i'm asking and it makes a huge, huge difference.

Be specific. It can take a lot of effort on your part because *you* need to figure out the specifics of what you need, and that sounds simple but it can be actually difficult.

I'm by no means an expert, or even good at all this, but just something i've learned along the way.

writing it on the fridge or something could also help

phantasm
02-17-14, 05:52 PM
Here's an idea for spending some quality time together: Ask him to meet you for a few hours (when both of you are relatively free and relaxed), maybe over a meal, coffee, whatever. Sit him down and ask him about his problems, listen and maybe (though don't push it) try to think of some solutions together. There are very few things that make me feel closer to someone than really having their undivided and non judgmental attention. There are also very few things that make me feel closer to someone than them trusting and confiding in me and valuing my thoughts in and inputs. Quality time doesn't have to be romantic. Often, it just means being a friend to your partner. :goodpost:

Grasshoppe - Fuzzy is right, really really good advice. This is what I do with my husband, and it really works. I too feel the same way about getting gifts and celebrating holidays and being mushy and romantic. My husband? Not so much.

Last year was the first time in years that I received a Christmas present. He believes Christmas is for kids. Last week, I couldn't wait for Valentines' to be over, just like I do every year. I did get a hand-written note this time. :) I don't need my name written in the sky, just a gesture, even a hand written note.

This brings a quote in mind. Something that Jennifer Aniston said to Vince Vaughn during a fight in the movie the Break-up... " I want you to WANT to do the dishes!" I have to continue to learn each year that I can't expect my husband to do something just because I want him to. It can be more painful to have him do something because I told him to, or pressured him to, without any feeling or wanting to please me, then getting nothing at all.

I have learned to accept that is who he is. Whether I like it or not. And when he does do things out of the kidness of his heart, it means that much more. ;)

dvdnvwls
02-17-14, 06:12 PM
Hmm... Mittens, that's a really good point.

Taking it a little further: The idea is asking another person to display a quality they don't seem to have.

Among "normal people", it's a safe bet that when a person is not displaying "good quality X", it's because he doesn't have it.

With ADHDers, the apparent lack of reliability, responsibility, and several other qualities are all due to the same problem, namely the fact that ADHD disconnects the will from the actions. If I was "normal", I would be a highly reliable and responsible person. As it is, I'm not able to display those qualities. I have the qualities internally, but my actions often show the opposite.

When I was a kid and my parents asked me to be more responsible, I checked my "internal circuits of responsibility", found that the circuits were working just fine, and became very confused. I knew that I had the quality they were asking for, and I thought "This should just work - what's wrong with me?"

I carried that thought for 30 years or more.


This is of course complicated by the fact that some ADHDers really aren't reliable or responsible - I mean, not internally either - but I think maybe the point here is that in all cases asking for a specific result is always going to be more effective than asking for an internal quality.

Fuzzy12
02-17-14, 09:16 PM
Fuzzy, I agree with a lot of what you wrote, and I think it's very perceptive.

However, the part about "sit him down and ask him" is a counterproductive fantasy, especially if the man has ADHD.

If there's something you want to know from a man, especially a man with ADHD, then "sit him down and ask him" is a guaranteed way to ruin everything. Yes, having a "sit-down" about such a topic makes the woman feel like this "should" make the relationship closer, and it makes the man feel cornered and desperate and inadequate and paralyzed.


Added note: I think there's maybe a perception that "This is about something nice, and so the sit-down is not threatening". If you're sitting me down about anything, then whatever that is, to me it has automatically become something not nice. Maybe that's the point.

Yeah that's probably true. Truth be told I might not necessarily like it either. I hate being put on the spot And having to talk. Ignore that grass hopper...

I don't think I meant b it that rigidly though... more in the sense of ' if he's got a problem be there for him and if he wants to talk, just listen' but it's true. .. the taking can't be forced or pushed.

Greengrasshoppe
02-18-14, 09:47 PM
Thanks again everyone. I've been crazy busy at work for the last few days but wanted to address RHW:

You might want to check out the 5 love languages, it's a website and book about how different people express love and affection differently. Some people are gifters, other's it verbal etc etc it's entirely possibly that you guys have very different love languages and these things are being miscommunicated and misunderstood.

Now, not to be mean but to ask genuinely, you mentioned in another thread that you got him nothing for valentine's day. Yet you are angry that he also got you nothing. In another thread you also mentioned being upset when you asked him to sweep you off your feet for a romantic getaway- that you were unwilling to pay for, or help organize. You also mentioned in that thread that you've been asking for quality time, without actually doing any planning of quality time yourself, and without discussing what quality time means for you guys. Don't you see a little hypocrisy here? Do you expect him to read your mind or read hints? Are you buying into the hollywood ideal of romance?

Are you sure you're not unintentionally setting this guy up for failure?Yes I have the love languages book. Like I said, I get him gifts -- way more than he does for me. I kinda expected to be disappointed this year (if that makes sense), but getting him a gift to only get nothing in return would've been worse. It's a little exhausting. As for wanting him to "sweep [me] off [my] feet for a romantic getaway," I didn't say that. There's no need to exaggerate. It doesnt have to be really romantic or any sort of big production, just time alone. I also didnt say I wouldn't do any of the planning or paying for it. If he would prefer I do that, I would. But he's the one whose schedule we have to work around.

dvdnvwls
02-19-14, 03:02 AM
Greengrasshoppe: I don't want to just push and push at this point... but does he actually want gifts, or are you getting him gifts because you like receiving gifts yourself and are trying to set an example or something?

I don't really even like gifts. And especially cards from loved ones make me feel like I'm being treated in an impersonal way. I tend to appreciate cards from acquaintances, but not from family. When loved ones get me cards and gifts I really don't appreciate it all that much. I know people say "It's the thought that counts", but please if you have thoughts for me then show them in a different way.

sarahsweets
02-19-14, 06:15 AM
Darn! I was going to get you a valentine but I forgot the date!;)

Greengrasshoppe: I don't want to just push and push at this point... but does he actually want gifts, or are you getting him gifts because you like receiving gifts yourself and are trying to set an example or something?

I don't really even like gifts. And especially cards from loved ones make me feel like I'm being treated in an impersonal way. I tend to appreciate cards from acquaintances, but not from family. When loved ones get me cards and gifts I really don't appreciate it all that much. I know people say "It's the thought that counts", but please if you have thoughts for me then show them in a different way.

dvdnvwls
02-19-14, 06:25 AM
Darn! I was going to get you a valentine but I forgot the date!;)
Sorry Sarah - but I said I don't want cards from loved ones, so don't send it. Thanks anyway. :grouphug:

RedHairedWitch
02-19-14, 07:35 AM
I don't really even like gifts. And especially cards from loved ones make me feel like I'm being treated in an impersonal way. I tend to appreciate cards from acquaintances, but not from family. When loved ones get me cards and gifts I really don't appreciate it all that much. I know people say "It's the thought that counts", but please if you have thoughts for me then show them in a different way.


My man is the same way, he is not a fan of giving or receiving gifts. He'd rather do something nice together, like go out for dinner and a movie (or some such) and split the bill. Or do something nice for each other.

We still do gifts for birthdays and Yule, but try to make it as painless as possible. A gift doesn't mean much when you know it's given or received because it must be and was likely anxiety inducing.


Hopefully Grasshopper and her hunny can find a solution that is mutually beneficial - takes the pressure off him (especially as it sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now) and she feel more loved and appreciated. Pressuring a guy to be more romantic when he is recently diagnosed, starting new medications and dealing with work, school, mom etc is a recipe for a break up.

Greengrasshoppe
02-19-14, 08:37 AM
Greengrasshoppe: I don't want to just push and push at this point... but does he actually want gifts, or are you getting him gifts because you like receiving gifts yourself and are trying to set an example or something?

I don't really even like gifts. And especially cards from loved ones make me feel like I'm being treated in an impersonal way. I tend to appreciate cards from acquaintances, but not from family. When loved ones get me cards and gifts I really don't appreciate it all that much. I know people say "It's the thought that counts", but please if you have thoughts for me then show them in a different way.Good question and interesting point. He actually took a quiz a while ago and gifts were one of his love languages.

Greengrasshoppe
02-19-14, 08:41 AM
My man is the same way, he is not a fan of giving or receiving gifts. He'd rather do something nice together, like go out for dinner and a movie (or some such) and split the bill. Or do something nice for each other.

We still do gifts for birthdays and Yule, but try to make it as painless as possible. A gift doesn't mean much when you know it's given or received because it must be and was likely anxiety inducing.


Hopefully Grasshopper and her hunny can find a solution that is mutually beneficial - takes the pressure off him (especially as it sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now) and she feel more loved and appreciated. Pressuring a guy to be more romantic when he is recently diagnosed, starting new medications and dealing with work, school, mom etc is a recipe for a break up.These are just examples that came to mind, right? These don't appl to him.

SirSchmidt
02-19-14, 11:03 AM
Some of this sounds familiar. My wife and I found ourselves in similar situations. Here's what I would do if I were you.

Start spending more time together, as soon as possible. It's really hard for me to plan anything more than a week ahead of time, so I would always "forget" to schedule dates, romantic moments, walks, or meeting for coffee. My wife hates scheduling things last minute, which for her means under a weeks notice. This doesn't match up well, so we spent very little time together. I suggest adjusting your scheduling to allow for spontaneous moments like these. You'll likely have to plan and initiate them, but I think it will help increase the amount of quality time together. Try to lead by example in this area.

If your guy is going through a tough time, be gentle with him in terms of your expectations and demeanor. Stress increases my ADD symptoms tenfold, so I'm even less likely to improve if someone gives me a hard time about something. A gentle reminder and a little patience go a long way.

Start making your time together as stress-free as possible. This doesn't mean ignoring important issues but rather keeping little annoyances that don't matter out of the equation. It seemed like my wife was being confrontational on a daily basis about little things that I failed to do around the house. It got to a point where I didn't even enjoy being around her and would actually be relieved if I had some time to myself. Have as much fun and be as carefree as you can with your time together. If he enjoys the time he spends with you, he'll naturally start to spend more time with you.

stef
02-19-14, 12:52 PM
If he was never a card-giving type guy in the first place, this would be really hard for him to "get". what else does he do though, that's kind, nice etc?

One year i asked my husband for this huge novel I wanted to read, as an Xmas gift. It was actually a collection in volumes but I didnt know this. He bought me the 8 volumes in paperback (not wrapped, and no card) - so I wouldn't have to carry the huge book on the train.

megan42
02-19-14, 05:48 PM
My husband is not so great at this stuff. Valentines he happens to be in the habit of getting me flowers but often for Christmas he'll often print a picture off the internet of something that he either ordered or will order. For me, I really place zero value on him guessing what I might like (sometimes what he guesses is worse than nothing) or doing gestures on his own.

I've realized that my husband will literally do whatever I want to make me happy after I ask him. So I don't test him. When it's my birthday, he takes me somewhere, I plan it, he pays. I think it's not so bad. If you want a card, tell him to get you a card before you want to get it.

RedHairedWitch
02-19-14, 07:52 PM
These are just examples that came to mind, right? These don't appl to him.


In another thread I recall you mentioning that since starting meds he's been focusing more on school and other things. Is that correct?

We are trying to help. The title of this thread is literally asking for people's opinions. There's no need to be terse or defensive :)

Greengrasshoppe
02-19-14, 08:20 PM
In another thread I recall you mentioning that since starting meds he's been focusing more on school and other things. Is that correct?

We are trying to help. The title of this thread is literally asking for people's opinions. There's no need to be terse or defensive :)Sorry I'm not sure how else I could've worded the question. But you're confusing me with another person...

Greengrasshoppe
02-20-14, 04:05 PM
Start spending more time together, as soon as possible. It's really hard for me to plan anything more than a week ahead of time, so I would always "forget" to schedule dates, romantic moments, walks, or meeting for coffee. My wife hates scheduling things last minute, which for her means under a weeks notice. This doesn't match up well, so we spent very little time together. I suggest adjusting your scheduling to allow for spontaneous moments like these. You'll likely have to plan and initiate them, but I think it will help increase the amount of quality time together. Try to lead by example in this area.
Great advice and I suggested we go out for tea yesterday spur of the moment. He couldn't. There was a power outage at the office. We work together so I was there too, sitting in the dark. I understood. But TODAY I ran into him in the hallway and he said to me Hey, I just had lunch with an old buddy from school. (I believe him, that's not the main issue). All I could say was, Good for you! He he acted like there's no reason I should be upset. I've only been trying to get him to spend time with me for who knows how long! Something comes up to thwart OUR plans, but for a buddy he hasn't seen in 20 years he can make time. Awesome...

At some point he got that I was upset and he started sort of following me. When I ran into him in the hall, I was walking out of the ladies room. I stopped and chatted with him but after he shared his lunch buddy story, I started off back toward my desk. He walked with me. I must've been power walking in my frustration because I heard him speed up. I walked into another ladies room (so I could scream) and I hear him saying, But didnt you just come from the ladies room? He continues to the kitchen, to get his twice daily coffee I assume.

A minute later I see him on his way back to his office. He sees me and I go in the other direction. Somehow he heads me off at the pass (still don't know how he moved that fast) and he gives me a confused look. Then he asks something like, Are you ok?

He seemed totally perplexed like he sees no reason why I'd be upset. Either that's the case or he's TRYING HIS BEST to get me to break up with him and hurt me badly in the process. I don't know if I can do this much longer. And that's not even all that happened today.

WTF?

VeryTired
02-20-14, 06:06 PM
Let's think this through--if he is as confused and clueless as you suggest, then he's not likely to be plotting to get you to break up with him. I think you are up against the hard, unyielding, frustrating wall of how ADHD makes our partners literally incapable of many things we want and need and find perfectly normal and reasonable.

But, however typical and reasonable our needs, wants and expectations may be, that doesn't translate to our partners being able to understand, notice or fulfill them. If you were talking about a guy who didn't have ADHD, we'd all be rolling our eyes and saying "he did WHAT?" But to me this all sounds pretty familiar and just the sort of thing I would expect. If you break it down, there are probably several ADHD symptoms/traits in play here.

You've shared some very real frustrations in this and other threads. It sure sounds as though your circumstances aren't OK with you, and if so, breaking up is certainly an option to consider. But the kinds of problems you describe are also the sorts of things that could be addressed in couples counseling, or through medication and treatment for your boyfriend. It doesn't sound from your posts as though you feel able or willing to change your expectations or meet your needs otherwise than through this relationship. So maybe you should be talking to him about treatment, counseling, etc And you probably need to address with him the concerns that you have been raising here more directly. Whether or not he can hear you and work with you when you do might help to clarify your feelings and choices.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so frustrated. I know what's that like, and in my experience, it's hard to go on like that for long without something changing, or an explosion occurring.

agirlandherdogs
02-20-14, 06:20 PM
Either that's the case or he's TRYING HIS BEST to get me to break up with him and hurt me badly in the process. I don't know if I can do this much longer. And that's not even all that happened today.

WTF?

please don't take this the wrong way, I've been reading your post with strange interests... there's just something about his behavior that is very similar to my ex-bf. My ex-bf always wondered if he had ADD. this guy and I, I thought were on our way to living happy ever after. Talking about kids, planning our home...right down to the house plans, cathothic school vs private school vs public school for the kids we would have. We were at a wedding and it was long and drawn out day. I said something to the effect of "we are so not doing this type of wedding". This wasn't odd, we've talked about our wedding before. He looked at me point blank "I don't have any intention of marrying you" ... but he would also say things people would initially take as insensitive things but were VERY clear and he'd have to expand a bit ... so I though this was one of those times where I gave him a moment to re-word it, nope ... anyway, I feel in your posts, you're looking for more ... but he's not... quit searching, you're wondering too much, hoping for too much ... it's making you worry ...

hope for the best for you though!

Greengrasshoppe
02-20-14, 06:29 PM
Thank you both. please don't take this the wrong way, I've been reading your post with strange interests... there's just something about his behavior that is very similar to my ex-bf. My ex-bf always wondered if he had ADD. this guy and I, I thought were on our way to living happy ever after. Talking about kids, planning our home...right down to the house plans, cathothic school vs private school vs public school for the kids we would have. We were at a wedding and it was long and drawn out day. I said something to the effect of "we are so not doing this type of wedding". This wasn't odd, we've talked about our wedding before. He looked at me point blank "I don't have any intention of marrying you" ... but he would also say things people would initially take as insensitive things but were VERY clear and he'd have to expand a bit ... so I though this was one of those times where I gave him a moment to re-word it, nope ... anyway, I feel in your posts, you're looking for more ... but he's not... quit searching, you're wondering too much, hoping for too much ... it's making you worry ...

hope for the best for you though!So you think I should just end it too? I'm sorry if I'm being dense. This has been a hard few weeks.

VeryTired
02-20-14, 06:56 PM
Hi, again--

I am not sure what a girlandherdogs meant, but I am suggesting that you have to look inward at yourself and name the feelings you are actually feeling. You are posting criticisms of your boyfriend, which may or may not reflect full understanding of his ADHD. But take the focus off him. Look at you. Are you OK with all this or not?

You sound at the end of your rope and completely not accepting of how things are now. And those may be completely valid and appropriate feelings. But if so, then things would have to change for you to feel well, safe and happy. But if they don't change, could this be OK with you? Would you have to change for that to be true? Are you open to you changing? You don't sound that way--and I am not at all saying that you should be.

Anyway, if you don't change and he doesn't change, things don't look too good for you as a couple, do they? You don't seem to have any resources of patience or depths of understanding for him left to draw upon now. That's easily understood--it can grueling and exhausting to be in the kind of relationships that many of us are in. (I ask myself all the time if I am at my breaking point, and often feel I probably blew past it long ago. You're not alone in this!)

You sound as though somewhere inside, you may be done, and wishing it were all over. Could that be true? Or do you recoil in horror as you read those words? Or is it some of one, some of he other? For me the hardest thing is probably knowing both that my needs and wishes are healthy, reasonable, OK AND knowing that my partner isn't able to fulfill most of them. Sometimes this is heart-breaking and sometimes it's primarily exhausting.

Forgive me that I can't recall--I've had a challenging week also--have you mentioned whether or not you have or have considered getting a therapist so you can do some con selling yourself? That can be very valuable when you are feeling stressed, frustrated, unattended to, confused.

Here's hoping for better things (whatever form those may take)--let us know how your thoughts, feelings, choices develop--

agirlandherdogs
02-20-14, 07:49 PM
maybe just some time apart would be good ... give him time to think, to see what he wants ... before he DOES hurt you before you hurt him ...

just something to think about ...

Greengrasshoppe
02-20-14, 08:05 PM
^^Sounds like there's something you're trying to say to me delicately rather than directly...?

Greengrasshoppe
02-20-14, 08:32 PM
Hi, again--

I am not sure what a girlandherdogs meant, but I am suggesting that you have to look inward at yourself and name the feelings you are actually feeling. You are posting criticisms of your boyfriend, which may or may not reflect full understanding of his ADHD. But take the focus off him. Look at you. Are you OK with all this or not?

You sound at the end of your rope and completely not accepting of how things are now. And those may be completely valid and appropriate feelings. But if so, then things would have to change for you to feel well, safe and happy. But if they don't change, could this be OK with you? Would you have to change for that to be true? Are you open to you changing? You don't sound that way--and I am not at all saying that you should be.

Anyway, if you don't change and he doesn't change, things don't look too good for you as a couple, do they? You don't seem to have any resources of patience or depths of understanding for him left to draw upon now. That's easily understood--it can grueling and exhausting to be in the kind of relationships that many of us are in. (I ask myself all the time if I am at my breaking point, and often feel I probably blew past it long ago. You're not alone in this!)

You sound as though somewhere inside, you may be done, and wishing it were all over. Could that be true? Or do you recoil in horror as you read those words? Or is it some of one, some of he other? For me the hardest thing is probably knowing both that my needs and wishes are healthy, reasonable, OK AND knowing that my partner isn't able to fulfill most of them. Sometimes this is heart-breaking and sometimes it's primarily exhausting.

Forgive me that I can't recall--I've had a challenging week also--have you mentioned whether or not you have or have considered getting a therapist so you can do some con selling yourself? That can be very valuable when you are feeling stressed, frustrated, unattended to, confused.

Here's hoping for better things (whatever form those may take)--let us know how your thoughts, feelings, choices develop--I don't want to break up with him. But If I felt like there was any hope of any sort, I'd be more enthusiastic about working on things. I know I sound critical of him like I think it's all his fault. Obviously there's responsibility on both sides though.

Here's the deal for me, one of my BIGGEST issues in all of this: My worry is that I'm being played. As someone said before, if he didnt have ADHD some of these things wouldn't be in question. His motivation would be easier to discern. But if he's not intentionally doing anything wrong and this is all just part of his condition, that changes things some. I've often wondered, as I mentioned before, whether his actions are part of some plan to drive me away or ultimately break up with me. But this has been going on for so long, it'd be a terrible plan.

Greengrasshoppe
02-21-14, 09:06 AM
Oh btw I don't recall mentioning therapy for myself before. But I am thinking about it now. He is too. Thank god.

dvdnvwls
02-21-14, 04:40 PM
Greengrasshoppe: This comment is kind of "out of left field", so take it for whatever it's worth.

I wonder if what you say you want from him, is really what you want.

When people want something, sometimes they also see a good way to accomplish what's wanted. Like if I want food, and I see a restaurant sign, then I might mistakenly think "I want to go to that restaurant". So I go, and there's a sign "Closed for renovations till next week".

At that point, if I've truly decided that what I wanted was to go to that restaurant, then I'll be disappointed and give up.

But it would be better for me to realize that just one restaurant was not the point - the point was that I need some food. And I can find another place to get some food.

In the same way, maybe what you're needing from your bf is really not what you're saying it is - maybe it's something deeper and simpler that you want from him, and maybe there's another way for the two of you to make that happen, instead of being disappointed when things don't happen in one exact way.

Greengrasshoppe
02-21-14, 05:31 PM
I don't think that's really out of left field. I think I know what you mean. Actually I'd agree. Maybe it's something else I want from him. Not gifts. Validation maybe or PROOF of his love. I think that's it...

dvdnvwls
02-21-14, 05:40 PM
Wow, OK, I think that's really getting somewhere then. Now you've got something more useful to talk about and think about.