View Full Version : ADD or just too much to handle?


shaz14
02-26-14, 01:10 PM
Hi,

I'm not sure if this is a so much a question, or if I just need somewhere to vent. I suspect this will be a long post, so I'm just warning you now ;) To start, here is a bit about me: I'm 36 years old, a wife and a mother of a 5 year old girl, an 8 year old boy diagnosed as ADHD/gifted, and 2 very active Brittany dogs. Oh and I work from home full time. I was diagnosed with ADD as a child and was re-diagnosed as an adult about 3 years ago. I take 60mg of Vyvanse and 225mg of Effexor XR for anxiety and depression.

My problem is, I am constantly anxious. I am constantly worried about getting everything done in a day. I just can't juggle work, housework, getting kids ready for school and ready for bed, dealing with kids homework and stuff that needs to be signed and turned in, meal planning, kids activities, the dogs - making sure they get enough exercise and aren't getting into stuff, my own health in terms of eating right and exercising, spending time with my husband, dealing with finances, and having some alone time. I can't do it.

I don't even know who I am sometimes. I can't remember what I used to like to do in my spare time. I feel like I've become a clock, timer, chauffeur, chef, employee, administrator. I definitely have things that I like to do, and want to do but the only time I get to do them is when I'm tired. I try to go to bed at a decent time but bedtime for me is creeping later and later as the kids' bedtimes creep later. I need at least 1 hour to sit down at the end of the day.

I feel totally unfocused. I have a list of things to do but I bounce around all over the place half completing stuff. I always get interupted and if by some chance I get some down time, something comes up. Today just when I thought I was on a roll and being productive I got a call from the doggy daycare place saying that my dog hurt his foot and they wanted to know if the vet could take a look at it. There goes another $100 at least.

I'm trying to be better with money but our financial planner still wants us to cut back even more and says we need to figure out where our money is going so that we can put more of it in savings for retirement. I can hear him in my head and it stresses me out! I want to get a new car. Our other car doesn't have that many KM on it but it is constantly needing stuff done on it and is not very good on gas. I hate driving it. I would be happy if we just had a car we liked and that was reliable.

My son is ADHD and it has been a struggle for the past few years, especially over the past year and a half. We can't find the right medication, he isn't eating, he isn't sleeping, we have gone to several appointments and explained the story over and over and over again. I still have a bunch of questionnaires to fill out for a dr appointment tomorrow. He has major anxiety, fear about certain things, general worry, and he will not do anything unless he 100% wants to do it. I can't get him up and out on time in the morning, he loses everything, he is constantly crying and fighting with me, he doesn't do any work - school or housework.

My daughter is very needy and demanding of attention. I can't talk to anyone without her being in my face and sitting on me or tapping me. She cries every single time she doesn't get her way and honestly I can't stand it anymore.

I want to spend time with my husband but I end up just arguing with him all the time because I have no tolerance left for him. It's not fair to him. He is human and sometimes forgets things or whatever, I shouldn't keep snapping at him at the drop of a hat. He tries very hard to be helpful. He is a wonderful father and he treats me really really well. He is a wonderful husband but by the time we get to sit and talk I'm so tired and don't even want to. Half the time I feel like I don't even want to do anything with him because I just want to be alone. I'm overstimulated and don't want anyone talking to me or touching me and I don't want to have to think about things like where to go for dinner or what I want to do on Friday night.

I constantly feel guilty because my house is a mess. I want to have family or friends over but it stresses me out. I don't even want to have someone come and watch the kids so I can get a break.

The healthier i eat and the more I exercise the better I feel but how do I squeeze all that in when I work full time and I can't find time to go grocery shopping. I work from home but my husband works at least an hour commute away.

My kids need help with stuff at school, like my son needs help with his printing and my daughter needs help with her reading but I can't even sit down at the table because there is stuff on it. I hate my furniture because my dogs ruined it, so sitting on the couch is awkward. And besides, after dinner, do I clean the kitchen or help them with their homework? It seems to be one or the other.

Every room in my house is a half-finished project. I dream of the day when my house is clean and organized and there is a fresh coat of paint and the furniture is clean and intact. I dream of the day when I can walk in my front door and there is a vase of flowers instead of mounds of winter clothing. I dream of the day when we can sit as a family at the kitchen table.

And if only I could keep on top of the laundry.....every single morning I run around looking for clothes for everyone. Every morning!

I'm so frustrated and worried and depressed. How does a mom with ADD handle a job, a family with a child with ADHD, and still take care of herself. I feel like something has to give but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is.

Sorry this is so long....I knew I needed to vent...

lavita_bella
03-01-14, 05:13 AM
Venting is good sometimes :) Don't apologize-- I read all of it (or skimmed, at least).

Maybe if you aren't satisfied with your lifestyle, you should seek to change it somehow. What are your options and what aspect of your life do you have the choice to change? Is there a particular aspect that you think needs changing the most? (Physical, social, career, spiritual, emotional, etc...).

Also, have you experimented with other medications at all? If you're feeling unfocused, maybe the Vyvanse isn't doing it's job.

I can't really give very good advice considering I'm a college student, but I can say I admire you for juggling all of that, having two kids of your own, and a husband. I bet they feel very lucky to have you and I can't wait for the day I can have that and not die of overwhelm. Lol. Good luck to you and I hope your stress level can at least lower, if I were there I would babysit for your kids. take care<3

javamonster
03-03-14, 11:11 PM
Wow. You have a LOT going on. I'd be overwhelmed, too. (In fact, I *am*, but we aren't talkin' about my life right now.

Ok. I know you're mainly venting, but while reading your vent, I think what I'm hearing is that all these things in your life are given equal weight in your head. That's the anxiety talking (but I think you already know that!).

Yes, everything is interrelated: the chaos in your head is reflected in your home. The condition of your home affects everyone's state of mind who lives in the home.

I didn't see a mention of your husband helping out or doing his part with the kids. When my daughter was little (for example) I couldn't eat a meal without her pestering me and my resentment got to the point where my husband realized if he didn't get her away from me when I ate, I'd lose my temper big time. Is your husband taking charge of the kids at any time? Is he helping to pick up? For that matter, are your kids doing what they can do?

Alone time, energetic dogs, and exercise. Combine the three. Wear the dogs out. Or hire a dog walker. Alternately, take your daughter with you on some dog walks, give her Mommy and Me time. Or Hubby and Me time.

If you haven't already, and if you afford it, buy premade slip covers for your couches. They are washable, they'll hide the condition of the cushions. The dogs sound like they aren't trained, or if they are, they're getting a follow through. Have your son (yes!) help train them and reinforce the commands.

The clutter: set a timer, or a CD album, and have everyone help pick up for ten or fifteen minutes, or the length of one or two songs. Pick a room.

Your poor son has a lot of issues happening. :( Is there any way you can reduce the repetition explaining his issues at every appointment? Perhaps write everything down on one document, bring a copy with you to his appointments. That could cut down on that crazy making situation.

Take some deep breaths. Chunk it all out. Combine what you can.

Financial planner: the FP can suggest, but perhaps you & your husband need to discuss your financial goals and incorporate saving for a car or car repairs into the budget. I'm driving a car that should be replaced, but we cannot afford another payment. So, we pay for repairs. Unless the vehicle is a real deathtrap, it's probably one of those things you'll need to live with--or your husband can with it, too, by driving it sometimes instead of you! ;)

This is turning into a novel. Let us know how you're doing!

sarahsweets
03-04-14, 05:45 AM
I identify with every single thing you mention-EVERY single thing. You are suffering from the same syndrome as me- OWMS overworked mom syndrome. This has nothing to do with whether or not you are employed outside the home or not at all. Nothing to do with how many kids or pets you have, or how long you have been married. It has EVERYTHING to do with how much time you get to do anything for yourself no matter how small. When you are the captain of your ship and have no co-pilot or crew the ship will eventually crash. What you can do, and it will be hard, is to force yourself to not do anything. What I mean is, get out of your house and go somewhere and just sit and think or read. I have had to run to the store around the corner from me for 2 things and turned the trip into a 1/2 hour because I would sit in my car and listen to music and close my eyes and breath before going home. Even when I knew I have kids and homework and wash to do, I force myself to stay in the car and stare at nothing or whatever. I also had to learn to delegate and to not be critical if what I delegated wasnt done perfectly, especially if it wasnt done the way I do it. An example is the dishes. I am usually the one to deal with them and every so often i would get ticked and rant about how I am the only one who did them and my husband try and help by loading the dish washer. Well when he put something in that wasnt supposed to go in, or didnt unload and put something away exactly right I would get more mad. This was unfair because I hadnt laid out exactly how I wanted them to be done, all I said was to do the dishes. So I was getting twice as ticked because they werent done my way, and then that lead to the "poor me's". I am not sure if I am making sense here. Anyway PM me if you want to chat because there is alot more I can share to commiserate with you so I dont sound like a rambling fool on your thread.

Carol
03-04-14, 08:58 PM
Are you familiar with Sari Solden's book, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life? She addresses how ADD is particularly stressful for women in ways that seem very relevant to you. Her book helped me a lot.

Chickadee85
03-07-14, 03:25 PM
I have 3 children that are 8, 10 and 11 and I'm 46. I struggle with many of the same issues that you describe. I'm a stay-at-home mom, I don't work out of our home and I still feel really overwhelmed frequently. My 8 year old has been diagnosed with ADD and she can be a major handful. For me, recognizing that I can only do the best I can do for my children and at some point just accept that I can't fix everything wrong in their lives has helped. Regardless of my ADD or not, I'm human and I have started acknowledging that I have limits.

I really liked the advice to get away from your home. I actually go sit in the local grocery store parking lot and read with the kindle app on my phone. It does wonders when my household is insane which is more often than I prefer to admit. I feel guilty many times for taking time for myself, but I still do it. I know that it will help my family more in the long run if I take care of myself.

I also appreciate the advice to remember to elicit help from family members. I often feel guilty if I can't do it all and be all things to everyone. I have learned to say "No" much more, but I still struggle with receiving help.

In my life, it has affected my health negatively because I didn't set boundaries and ask for help until the stress about ate me alive.

One thing that I read recently that helps me to function when I am feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed is "TCB" which means Take care of business. I don't know why this phrase helps me so much, but I think it just helps me to focus and realize I need to prioritize when it feels like everything is caving in. I also use this phrase with my kids to get them on track with chores, etc, or if the youngest is having a melt down and we've discussed the solution. It seems to help her to transition from the problem to the solution.

I have read Sari Solden in the past and visited her website. I really enjoyed her book and listening to her on some podcasts. I am going to dig my book out now :-)

Sunlovinlady
03-10-14, 12:02 PM
I can so relate!!