View Full Version : What do I do now?


Fuzzy12
03-09-14, 08:29 PM
I'm lost. I don't even know c where to post. I'm not depressed, I'm just v hurting. The weekends are the worst. I'm not sure why the weekend are worse. The only reason I can think of is nicotine withdrawal. Maybe that makes me less resilient. Maybe that renders my tools less functional. I don't know. Maybe that's just another excuse. Doesn't matter. This post isn't c about nicotine withdrawal. It's just curious that c during the week I can deal slightly better with the pain.

I tried the whole ' allowing my feelings- feeling them-trying to work through them -etc' stuff. It didn't work. I can't do it. I can't bear my feelings anymore. They are too raw, too intense and too painful. I'm sorry if that makes me weak cowardly or stupid. Probably I am. It doesn't matter. I don't care anymore. I just want v the pain to stop. Anyway, allowing v my v feeLings didn't c work. What I need are some good old-fashioned techniques of suppressing my feelings. And I need them fairly quickly. Like I said, i can't bear them anymore. not for much longer.

I'm sorry about this post. I didn't want to post. Not here of all places. I Probably should nt be on addf. It's become incredibly painful being here but pathetic as it is, I've got no where else to go really. I've got no one else. It's strange. I don't c think I've ever felt so alone. I'm at the end of my tether. I just don't know what to do anymore.

BellaVita
03-09-14, 08:34 PM
Fuzzy :grouphug:

"What I need are some good old-fashioned techniques of suppressing my feelings."

That would be unhealthy.

What about seeing another therapist?

They can probably help you better than we can help you.

It's just the truth.

We love you.

Nicksgonefishin
03-09-14, 08:35 PM
I'm 22 days smoke free and it sucks! I'm with you. It has turned my vyvanse into tictacs.

Don't suppress the feelings. Hold one. Hold it until you think you can die from the feeling. Then just when you think you are about to die hold it a bit longer and then when you still have it realize that you're still breathing and it is just a feeling.

This helps me sometimes. I focus on that bad thought. Delve deep into the belly of the beast and deal with it. The longer I put off a bad thought the worse and worse it gets.

hugs and stuff-nick

Fuzzy12
03-09-14, 08:42 PM
I'm 22 days smoke free and it sucks! I'm with you. It has turned my vyvanse into tictacs.

Don't suppress the feelings. Hold one. Hold it until you think you can die from the feeling. Then just when you think you are about to die hold it a bit longer and then when you still have it realize that you're still breathing and it is just a feeling.

This helps me sometimes. I focus on that bad thought. Delve deep into the belly of the beast and deal with it. The longer I put off a bad thought the worse and worse it gets.

hugs and stuff-nick

I did. I just can't do it anymore. I get overpowered by this strange kind of hate and the need to lash g out. Those are fairly new feelings for me. I don't like them and I don't want to lash out at anyone. That's caused enough damage already

dvdnvwls
03-09-14, 08:44 PM
The suppression is ultimately more painful than the feelings. The sense that feelings will be too painful to bear is an illusion.

BellaVita
03-09-14, 08:45 PM
The suppression is ultimately more painful than the feelings. The sense that feelings will be too painful to bear is an illusion.

Although, in some cases the feelings really are too painful to bear....and we know the outcome.

:(

Nicksgonefishin
03-09-14, 08:45 PM
If you can go do something physical that was the turning point for my anger.

Fuzzy12
03-09-14, 08:51 PM
If you can go do something physical that was the turning point for my anger.

I went on this absolutely stunning walk today. The scenery was breath taking. Normally that's one of the things that breaks through the depression but for the past few weeks even rambling leaves me cold. Maybe it's because I'm not really depressed. Just hurting. Its difficult to explain. It feels like a knife that's continuously being twisted in my stomach. Our like being punched. Hard. It gets difficult to breathe

Mcgregger44
03-09-14, 09:48 PM
Honestly, I gave therapy a try and ended up even more frustrated and confused then when I went in. Bottom line, when you're feeling as bad as you are describing, some sort of medication, prescribed or unprescribed, is needed. I'm not saying that you need to take pills for the rest of your life, just maybe for a day, a week, whatever. At the end of the day "If you don't take care of yourself, no one will". You know what's best for you, but a close friend could come in handy with an unbiased perspective. I'm just getting over the mountain of bullspit you are climbing and know how isolating and hopeless it is. Moderate medication, friends and sunshine were my cure, I truly hope you can find yours.

Fuzzy12
03-10-14, 01:00 AM
Thanks. I don't have any friends. contrary to popular opinion there aren't any relationships really that can survive massive outbursts of emotional dysregulation.

dvdnvwls
03-10-14, 02:08 AM
Consider the possibility that the dysregulation is almost entirely the result of the suppression attempts.

BellaVita
03-10-14, 02:17 AM
Consider the possibility that the dysregulation is almost entirely the result of the suppression attempts.

Hmm...It could definitely be attributing to it.

Fuzzy, do you think perhaps you have BPD?

That's what it all sounds like to me....not that I can diagnose.

*ETA - It's just, a lot of your symptoms described and tendencies seem to match.

Fuzzy12
03-10-14, 03:31 AM
Consider the possibility that the dysregulation is almost entirely the result of the suppression attempts.

With a little bit more of suppression I might not have been in this situation.

Bella , I've considered bpd. It's s possibility. I don't know. I wish I was just better at the devaluing bit :lol:

stef
03-10-14, 04:08 AM
Fuzzy, look back at your thread about "the clouds are lifting" (I think that's what it was called...)
what happened, since you wrote that?

Fuzzy12
03-10-14, 04:37 AM
Fuzzy, look back at your thread about "the clouds are lifting" (I think that's what it was called...)
what happened, since you wrote that?

Nothing. The clouds returned.

BellaVita
03-10-14, 04:39 AM
Nothing. The clouds returned.

:grouphug::grouphug:

That really sucks.

Do you think you can get evaluated for BPD?

Have you tried DBT? It's apparently one of the best ways to go about "treating" it....

Fuzzy12
03-10-14, 04:59 AM
:grouphug::grouphug:

That really sucks.

Do you think you can get evaluated for BPD?

Have you tried DBT? It's apparently one of the best ways to go about "treating" it....

Evaluted?? I doubt it ... :lol:

I've looked into DBT. The book by Marsha Linehan. I can't do it. I give up. Maybe I don't want to do it anymore. I'm so tired and I'm neither strong nor intelligent enough to deal with this. Whenever, I've tried not suppressing my feelings it just makes the emotional dysregulation worse and if I start expressing it, more damaging.


"My worst nightmares (I mean this literally, they're the only nightmares that have ever scared me and kept me awake) are of wild emotional dysregulation followed by confusion and rejection, and to be for the first time in my life with someone who isn't afraid of "the real me" or "the messed-up me" has been both a dream come true and (maybe even better) a horrible nightmare come untrue. "

I thought that maybe for me the dream had come true as well. But it hadn't. The real, messed up me is just too scary, I guess and the nightmare continues.

It's not an accusation. I understand that the emotional dysregulation that I display is completely out of any acceptable bounds and that the confusion, fear and damage I cause are a lot more difficult to cope with. Maybe impossible to cope with.

Anyway, thanks for the inputs. I don't think you guys can help me with this.

I'm sorry, I posted. I shouldn't have. There is no point. I got desperate. Stupidly desperate. It feels like requesting the lion who just tore out your heart, to lick the wound he left.

I guess, being melodramatic is a symptom of BPD as well...

fracturedstory
03-10-14, 05:31 AM
Consider the possibility that the dysregulation is almost entirely the result of the suppression attempts.
Suppression seems to be working for me.

By that I mean everyone thinks I'm fine while I'm screaming inside and having far more bouts of loneliness.

Fuzzy, can I borrow that DBT book? I'll trade you my CBT book. Or I could read it again.

I hope things get better for you. My mania will eventually hit again.

VeryTired
03-10-14, 12:14 PM
Big sympathy, Fuzzy.

Sometimes when the clouds come back after they lifted for a while, it feels even worse. But it's still better that they sometimes do lift, and you can't lose sight of the knowledge that rare clouds and frequent sunshine are how it's supposed to be for you. Keep hoping, working, trying. Don't assume that you have to find all the answers inside your self. It's OK to need help.

Fuzzy12
03-12-14, 04:14 AM
Thanks guys. I guess, it's time to start the process of putting myself back together again.

eclectic beagle
03-15-14, 08:37 PM
I just read that those with depression are twice as likely to smoke. Giving it up can be a twofold challenge, the addiction aspect is bad enough, but if it is used to treat depression to begin with. I can see the struggle. You're strong for even attempting it.

Fuzzy12
03-16-14, 02:02 AM
I just read that those with depression are twice as likely to smoke. Giving it up can be a twofold challenge, the addiction aspect is bad enough, but if it is used to treat depression to begin with. I can see the struggle. You're strong for even attempting it.

Wrong number? ? :scratch:

I'm not planning to quit smoking v right now. It helps.

Fuzzy12
03-16-14, 03:14 AM
If I could smoke on weekends I'd probably b be a lot more balanced. :rolleyes:

BellaVita
03-16-14, 03:15 AM
If I could smoke on weekends I'd probably b be a lot more balanced. :rolleyes:

What's stopping you?

Fuzzy12
03-16-14, 03:17 AM
My husband has just quit and I don't want to make it more difficult v for him.

I dreamt of you

BellaVita
03-16-14, 03:23 AM
My husband has just quit and I don't want to make it more difficult v for him.

I dreamt of you

I see...

But if it helps you that much, perhaps you could get away sometimes and have a smoke?

I know nicotine helped me

You dreamt of me?

Fuzzy12
03-16-14, 03:32 AM
I see...

But if it helps you that much, perhaps you could get away sometimes and have a smoke?

I know nicotine helped me

You dreamt of me?

Sometimes I do. ..I try not to mention it. He hates it.

Yes I dreamt of you.

Fortune
03-16-14, 04:23 AM
:grouphug::grouphug:

That really sucks.

Do you think you can get evaluated for BPD?

Have you tried DBT? It's apparently one of the best ways to go about "treating" it....

I posted a thread here recently that shows something that appears to be more effective:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=159612

Evaluted?? I doubt it ... :lol:

I've looked into DBT. The book by Marsha Linehan. I can't do it. I give up. Maybe I don't want to do it anymore. I'm so tired and I'm neither strong nor intelligent enough to deal with this. Whenever, I've tried not suppressing my feelings it just makes the emotional dysregulation worse and if I start expressing it, more damaging.

One person I know who was diagnosed with BPD said that many of the skills DBT teaches are really only usable once you don't need them anymore, which is kind of funny (in a depressing way), but highlights that DBT is a ton of hard work. For some it works, but there are other options at least, if you have BPD.

eclectic beagle
03-16-14, 01:01 PM
Wrong number? ? :scratch:

I'm not planning to quit smoking v right now. It helps.

Er, sorry, your post mentioned nicotine withdrawal. I'll go stand in the corner now, as a penance for misunderstanding. You can point and laugh, it might brighten your mood!

Fuzzy12
03-16-14, 02:16 PM
Er, sorry, your post mentioned nicotine withdrawal. I'll go stand in the corner now, as a penance for misunderstanding. You can point and laugh, it might brighten your mood!

No worries :grouphug:

daveddd
03-16-14, 02:19 PM
Er, sorry, your post mentioned nicotine withdrawal. I'll go stand in the corner now, as a penance for misunderstanding. You can point and laugh, it might brighten your mood!

classic MN

you crack me up



fuzzy

I'm doing the e cig with nicotine works great

do they have that in your continent

Fuzzy12
03-16-14, 02:26 PM
classic MN

you crack me up



fuzzy

I'm doing the e cig with nicotine works great

do they have that in your continent

Ecigs? Yes but..

I'm not quitting smoking :lol:

eclectic beagle
03-16-14, 02:26 PM
classic MN

you crack me up



It's cuz I'm a cracka!

Er, I'm probably the only person that's used e cigs to see if they alleviated my poor attention span, and had to stop because I was getting a type of mucus buildup. I know you were asking fuzzy, but I thought I'd comment.

eclectic beagle
03-16-14, 02:27 PM
Ecigs? Yes but..

I'm not quitting smoking :lol:

In our stubborn heads you are! You might chain smoke all day long, but that doesn't stop the fact that we think you're quitting. Just nod your head politely, we'll go away soon.

daveddd
03-16-14, 02:30 PM
Ecigs? Yes but..

I'm not quitting smoking :lol:

for the weekends

they don't smell at all

you can smoke em without your husband smoking

isn't this a quitting smoking thread?

daveddd
03-16-14, 02:33 PM
like OMG

we are all so ADHD:lol:

lol

Fuzzy12
03-16-14, 02:37 PM
for the weekends

they don't smell at all

you can smoke em without your husband smoking

isn't this a quitting smoking thread?
No not at all :lol:

It's an 'I'm so depressed that I don't know how to continue living' thread :lol:

I mentioned as an aside that the nicotine withdrawal on the weekends isn't helping probably :)