View Full Version : How do I talk to about suicidal feelings without it feeling like a bargening chip?


Mosslander
03-15-14, 05:41 PM
Short version:
My financial instability has led to growing suicidal feelings, and I want to talk to my friends and family about it, but I've turned to them for financial help in the past. I don't want to use suicide as a bargaining chip to get help, but the feelings are tied to needing some stability and financial help would make things feel less hopeless. I don't know what to do.

Back-story:
I'm 35 and though I only was diagnosed a few years ago, I knew I was having problems and started seeking help when I was in forth grade. I've never been able to get work done with any consistency when I'm alone. This means homework usually didn't get done in school, I can't seem to organize my life, and the process of applying to jobs and following up is an a quick path to frustration and feeling worthless. Despite all this I've continued to struggle and try to do better. I couldn't take failing all my classes in highschool, so I took my GED. I managed to graduate college by attending a college that awarded partial credit for classes and only judged the work you got done. I've had a few jobs, and though I've only been fired once, and never quit a job they've all been for less than two years, and have had long gaps between them.

I've been working with the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation for a while now, but though many problems have been addressed, I'm still no where near financial stability.
I've been in therapy before, but only now that I have healthcare coverage am I able to go into stable long-term therapy, that was due to start this past friday, but due to paperwork not going through has been postponed till next friday.

I've been living with a friend who rents out rooms in the house they own, but I've been unable to reliably pay rent. The uncertainty of my rent is stressing them out and they want me to move out. Totally understandable.
Unfortunately, this cycle of having to move Staying with a friend (since I fear that if I'm homeless I won't be able to make any progress), being asked to and managing to struggle to make rent for a while, and then being unreliable stressing people out and having to move out has happened over and over.
I can't take it any more. I don't want to struggle any more. I want to give up. I don't want to die, but I haven't found any other way out.

I've talked with my friends and family about the stress and difficulty I face, but not about how a lot of my effort is spent making sure I don't kill myself. I don't know how to have this conversation, but I need to talk to them.

Tabbycat
03-17-14, 07:18 PM
I understand how you feel - I'm feeling some very similar things.

Please reach out to anyone, even a hotline if needed. Obviously there are people who care about you - I don't think you reaching out to them would come across or feel like a bargaining chip.

Hugs to you during a difficult time.

FroGpants
03-17-14, 10:26 PM
I wonder if there's anything else you can do for your friend in lieu of rent or to work some of it off? Any skill that you have that they might otherwise have to pay for. Even just cutting grass or cleaning?

I don't know what it's like to go to family for help but I'm guessing you can't stay with any of them? The important thing here is that it's so hard for many of us to keep things together, even when times are good. Do they really understand that it's out of your control and that you really need help?

Mosslander
03-18-14, 03:22 AM
I always make sure to talk to people when I'm having trouble. I talk about things like hopelessness, my fears that I'm stressing out those who love me by asking too much of too few, and various other things that lead to my suicidal feelings, but I don't talk about how I'm starting to feel like I'm being cruel and dishonest with myself by forcing myself to keep fighting and struggling just long enough to get to the next thing (like therapy, or medication, or a job), and then if that doesn't help you can finally let go and stop sufferng. I've talked to one person (who isn't in a position to help in any way other than to be someone I can talk about things with) about this in detail, and I did menton to my dad that I have been struggling with suicidal feelings for a long time. I felt lie I could mention it because I know he faces many of the same ADHD symptoms that I do(though he's not sought diagnosis snce only recently has he been willng to consider it), and he had already offered what help he could (mostly just a place to stay if I have to move out of where I am now). I feel like that was a mistake now. He is more worried about me now and wants me to go and visit him for a bit, so I can take a break and get away from the stressful situation I'm in. He clearly wants to help as much as he can and make sure I stay safe. The thing is, I live far enough away from him that it's not practical to go back and forth much, and all the treatment I'm getting is here. I'm also trying to make the situation I'm in better and more sustainable, and spending time away at this point would let things deteriorate quite quickly. So I've ended up making him feel desperately responcible for making sure I survive, and ends up much more concerned with keeping me alive than with helping me talk through the things I've been trying to fight on my own for so long. So, in the end I still want to know if it's possible to talk to loved ones about suicide without it getting out of hand?

Mosslander
03-18-14, 03:52 AM
Oh, and on another note though things are still rough, and I'm not sure if I'll have to move out, or how well I'll be able to take that, I have been trying to set up a plan that involves a lot of people helping in small ways so I can not only get past this current crisis, but so I can keep getting help till I'm more secure and have plans in place to deal with the reoccurring problems that are likely to happen, before they get too big. Though I've managed to get a small part of this plan going today, I still didn't feel like things would get better (since the plan needed so many people to work, and consisted of things that had worked but been unsustainable, and things I had considered before, but thought were asking too much if I couldn't show I was getting better at handling things on my own). I realized though, (as I was explain Ing that one of the difficulties I face is that even if I know a good way of dealing with something, and have all the skills I need for it, I sometimes just can't do it), and I realized that one of the things that I'm doing differently this time is that I'm only including things I can do reliably (that's reliability of action, not of outcome), rather than building the plan around getting better at something that I view as important to success, but that I'm not very good at now. I'm sure I'll still face suicidal thoughts, but at least for now I have a bit of hope again.

someothertime
03-18-14, 07:51 AM
Definately try find a "confidant" whether times are good or bad... if there is a person you can meet for 30 mins with once a week, phone, like an appointment...

Def better to get it out with/@ the docs... Ideation is like a burp... it's better out than in... if it helps... guilt is a handbrake on a parachute...