View Full Version : I am lost and I need help.


Tabbycat
03-17-14, 07:40 PM
I have been out of work close to a year. Was facing divorce. Moved to a different state, met someone, and tried to build something of a new life. Depression was under control for a while.

Still unemployed (savings are dwindling), ex now wants to reconcile, my support network, doctors are in previous state. My depression has dipped down, and I've started to actually spiral downward. New person in my life can't grasp the depression and we are struggling big time. Don't know that we'll survive a major depressive episode. They understand me in so many ways, but not the ADD and depression. I simply don't have the energy to try to find new resources right now.

Part of me just wants to 'go home' but I do not know how things would turn out there. Ex has always been supportive during episodes. We were just better friends than spouses - I don't know if that could change with some effort or not. If I went home, new person would be out of picture of course, which I have very mixed feelings about.

I feel so lost and uncertain of what to do. I know I need help. Just very scared.

silivrentoliel
03-17-14, 08:57 PM
sometimes you need to do what's best for you... and from what you've said here... "going home" sounds like the best option... even if it's not the one you necessarily want

dvdnvwls
03-17-14, 09:02 PM
Living permanently with a person who only understands you when you're "under control" is likely to be very difficult at best. I think you're in a situation where there's no perfect answer.

Tabbycat
03-17-14, 09:07 PM
Living permanently with a person who only understands you when you're "under control" is likely to be very difficult at best. I think you're in a situation where there's no perfect answer.

Yes, and of course I feel any decision will be the wrong one.

FroGpants
03-17-14, 09:22 PM
((((((Tabbycat))))) I sure do feel your pain. I agree with silivrentoliel... maybe going home is best. I mean especially since this came on after you left.
You know part of being with someone is being able to handle the ups and downs. I'm sure this new person is great but if they can't handle a major part of you then how's that going to go?
I dunno, I kinda want to say that if this new person was so great, maybe you wouldn't be spiraling downward like you are.
Great big hugs for you :grouphug: I know it sucks.

sarahsweets
03-18-14, 06:01 AM
I would hate for you to stay with the current person who is not understanding of your episodes and I also would hate for you to go home to be with someone who understands your episodes but is not interested in moving beyond friends with benefits territory.

someothertime
03-18-14, 06:51 AM
What is grounding for you other than people? Can you ( do you? ) say twice a week do those things no matter what?

Maybe like a chat with an old friend or movie..... and a walk in a beautiful park on Sunday afternoon...

I know these things can be the last thing on your mind / not so enticing etc.... But I think seeking out one or two "grounding" activities that you do at the same time every week and have no previous experience / attached relevance to the other stuff in your life... like an art class or something..... can create just enough "air" to shrink down these other things... enough to look at them less daunting...

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 08:39 AM
What is grounding for you other than people? Can you ( do you? ) say twice a week do those things no matter what?

Maybe like a chat with an old friend or movie..... and a walk in a beautiful park on Sunday afternoon...

I know these things can be the last thing on your mind / not so enticing etc.... But I think seeking out one or two "grounding" activities that you do at the same time every week and have no previous experience / attached relevance to the other stuff in your life... like an art class or something..... can create just enough "air" to shrink down these other things... enough to look at them less daunting...

Good point. I knit (which I donate to hospitals), which has been helpful (I hyperfocus on that at times) :-) and I have looked into yoga, but my energy level has been so low most days that I struggle to get a shower.
I am going to see a therapist here that I've never met before (new person's suggestion out of frustration) - hoping they can guide me to a decision at least. Hesitant about seeing a stranger that doesn't know my history, but they might be able to at least get me where I need to be/help me make some judgment calls about this.

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 11:20 AM
I am now thinking it may be best to 'go home,' but that is something of a loaded situation. It would mean a break-up w/that new person in my life - something that would not be pretty & would require energy I just don't feel I have. It will also potentially take me down further, questioning myself, wondering if I could have slugged things out here & gotten better, if the relationship might have worked, etc. Just what a depressed person needs :(

My energy level continues to drop. I started smoking last summer (yeah, I know) & I don't even have the energy to go out & get a pack. Maybe a blessing in disguise there?

I just feel so bad & frustrated, almost a trapped like feeling by the depression & situation. Even if I went home, I have no one to help me pack & get there.

psychological1
03-18-14, 11:30 AM
The most important thing for you to understand is that you are in control of your situation. Depression has this sneaky way of tricking people into thinking that they cannot effect a change in their lives, and the first step to recovery is realizing your own self-efficacy. If you want to move back home, then you can! You don't need anyone's approval or even anyone's help. It may seem like a mountain too tall to climb, but you must know that you can.

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 01:03 PM
The most important thing for you to understand is that you are in control of your situation. Depression has this sneaky way of tricking people into thinking that they cannot effect a change in their lives, and the first step to recovery is realizing your own self-efficacy. If you want to move back home, then you can! You don't need anyone's approval or even anyone's help. It may seem like a mountain too tall to climb, but you must know that you can.

I guess if I needed to, I could even post on Craigslist to have someone help me load things up. I have a little money set aside. Once home, I would have help.

Such a tough decision - I really thought I could start a new life in a new place, but it hasn't really worked out.

anonymouslyadd
03-18-14, 01:45 PM
How much time have you had between relationships?

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 01:52 PM
About 9 months. Spouse & I have been separated for some time.

anonymouslyadd
03-18-14, 01:59 PM
About 9 months. Spouse & I have been separated for some time.
Do you think you've been able to go through the grief process?

When I was getting a divorce, I was severely depressed. There were other issues involved, but I really missed my ex.

My therapist used to remind me to go through the grief process before getting involved with someone else. She said that's why "you always want to finish. Otherwise, you'll just take into the next relationship."

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 02:08 PM
Do you think you've been able to go through the grief process?

When I was getting a divorce, I was severely depressed. There were other issues involved, but I really missed my ex.

My therapist used to remind me to go through the grief process before getting involved with someone else. She said that's why "you always want to finish. Otherwise, you'll just take into the next relationship."

I'm not sure. The fact that the potential ex (we're not divorced yet) has indicated he wants to reconcile has certainly complicated things. I realize I may have become involved with the new person too soon.

anonymouslyadd
03-18-14, 02:15 PM
I'm not sure. The fact that the potential ex (we're not divorced yet) has indicated he wants to reconcile has certainly complicated things. I realize I may have become involved with the new person too soon.
Give yourself some time to focus on and taking care of you. :)

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 02:25 PM
Give yourself some time to focus on and taking care of you. :)

I'm just not sure if it would be better for me to return home (where I do have a pretty established support network & good docs) or stay here.
I do agree w/you though - I have to take care of myself.

anonymouslyadd
03-18-14, 02:34 PM
I'm just not sure if it would be better for me to return home (where I do have a pretty established support network & good docs) or stay here.
I do agree w/you though - I have to take care of myself.
It doesn't seem like an easy decision.

I envy you a little bit. I'd love to move away from where I currently live and have a fresh start. I live only minutes from my hometown and where my ex-wife lived. I'd love to forget those times, at least many of them.

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 02:45 PM
It seemed like a good idea at the time. It has definitely not gone as I had hoped or expected. Not sure I can recommend it. :o

anonymouslyadd
03-18-14, 02:51 PM
It seemed like a good idea at the time. It has definitely not gone as I had hoped or expected. Not sure I can recommend it. :o
It took a lot of courage for you to do that.

Tabbycat
03-18-14, 03:04 PM
Wow. That's something I haven't heard. Thank you.
I guess it really did - I just wish things had turned out better. It's been a borderline disaster overall.

Tabbycat
03-19-14, 11:36 AM
I suppose some things are becoming more clear. Finding a therapist where I am has not been going well at all. New person was going to help, but has been distracted w/other things. :confused:

New person was supposed to get me up this morning & 'forgot.' I've just been sitting & thinking for a few hours - they've just essentially left me alone.

I am thinking the thing to do is go home. My estranged spouse would have gotten me up, pushed me just a bit, made sure I had appts scheduled. I also have some friends there who would step up. I simply have no one here other than new person to help. I realize I should have tried to put some support in place before the depression hit, but I was more focused then on finding work.

I really appreciate the support here - may need it in the coming days as I try to muddle my way out of this mess. I hate the idea of leaving what was supposed to be a new life, but the new life hasn't turned out well.

Fionagrape
03-21-14, 11:07 AM
I have been out of work close to a year. Was facing divorce. Moved to a different state, met someone, and tried to build something of a new life. Depression was under control for a while.

Still unemployed (savings are dwindling), ex now wants to reconcile, my support network, doctors are in previous state. My depression has dipped down, and I've started to actually spiral downward. New person in my life can't grasp the depression and we are struggling big time. Don't know that we'll survive a major depressive episode. They understand me in so many ways, but not the ADD and depression. I simply don't have the energy to try to find new resources right now.

Part of me just wants to 'go home' but I do not know how things would turn out there. Ex has always been supportive during episodes. We were just better friends than spouses - I don't know if that could change with some effort or not. If I went home, new person would be out of picture of course, which I have very mixed feelings about.

I feel so lost and uncertain of what to do. I know I need help. Just very scared.

It sounds like you need a friend more than a new lover who "understands you in so many ways, but doesn't understand your ADD or depression" why don't you go home? the effort is always worth it. How bad can going home be? Can you return to your new love later down the road? Or maybe try my next suggestion.

Have you gone off your meds? Stimulants are really important for helping take the edge off those super powerful mood swings we all experience with ADD. You need help with that first and foremost. It can be a spontaneous recovery and solve all your problems with depression, motivation, get up and go, seeing things more clearly etc...

I know how it is to be unemployed for an ongoing period of time. I'm in a state of "all stop." (I think I read about this in attention magazine, but I'm not exactly sure.) "All stop" is when you've been unemployed for a long time, and you might engage in thinking about what you should do to get a new job, but you don't exactly do anything about it. Here comes that annoying saying, "a body at rest tends to stay at rest, while a body in motion tends to stay in motion" Until you're actively out there with your job search, telling people you're looking, asking for referrels (I don't know why I try to spell when I can't) and putting out your resume, you can't expect to get any results. It's kind of like skiing down the slopes even though you haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Just go for it. (easier said than done, right?)

But first get rid of the elephant like depression that's weighing you down. If your first efforts to feel better don't work, you might try seeing a psychologist to talk to for an hour. A little cognitive therapy from a trained professional can help untangle and get to the root of some of the myths and negative thoughts that we keep around in the backs of our minds. It can go a long way at staving off depression and giving you a clean slate of happiness to feed off of.

Hope this helps.

Tabbycat
03-21-14, 11:26 AM
It sounds like you need a friend more than a new lover who "understands you in so many ways, but doesn't understand your ADD or depression" why don't you go home? the effort is always worth it. How bad can going home be? Can you return to your new love later down the road? Or maybe try my next suggestion.

Have you gone off your meds? Stimulants are really important for helping take the edge off those super powerful mood swings we all experience with ADD. You need help with that first and foremost. It can be a spontaneous recovery and solve all your problems with depression, motivation, get up and go, seeing things more clearly etc...

I know how it is to be unemployed for an ongoing period of time. I'm in a state of "all stop." (I think I read about this in attention magazine, but I'm not exactly sure.) "All stop" is when you've been unemployed for a long time, and you might engage in thinking about what you should do to get a new job, but you don't exactly do anything about it. Here comes that annoying saying, "a body at rest tends to stay at rest, while a body in motion tends to stay in motion" Until you're actively out there with your job search, telling people you're looking, asking for referrels (I don't know why I try to spell when I can't) and putting out your resume, you can't expect to get any results. It's kind of like skiing down the slopes even though you haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Just go for it. (easier said than done, right?)

But first get rid of the elephant like depression that's weighing you down. If your first efforts to feel better don't work, you might try seeing a psychologist to talk to for an hour. A little cognitive therapy from a trained professional can help untangle and get to the root of some of the myths and negative thoughts that we keep around in the backs of our minds. It can go a long way at staving off depression and giving you a clean slate of happiness to feed off of.

Hope this helps.

Thank you for your well-thought out post - you raise some great points. I don't know if there would be a chance down the road with the new person or not. He is open to my going home & getting things/me pulled together though he's naturally concerned about the spouse wanting to reconcile. New person & I have had a few good talks in the past day or so. This is new territory for him.

I had been a bit haphazard w/taking my Adderall, but I'm back on it & it's helping some w/the mood & focus. I've sent out a lot of resumes in the new area, but nothing really seems to be catching hold on that front. I'm sure that has contributed to this episode.

I am definitely going to work w/psychiatrist on meds (I have been taking Pristiq for a while, as a preventive measure & have just added Abilify to boost it). I also need to talk w/a counselor - that's a definite. I had hoped to maybe find resources in the new area, but it's pretty rural & even a good GP is tough to find.

The only potential downside to going home is that my estranged spouse who wants to reconcile. Given that recent development, I'm not sure how I feel & do not want to mislead him. Again, I think some therapy could help me navigate that.