I was diagnosed with ADD about a year ago. For years my husband would tell me that I was just not normal. When my ADD was discovered we were both so happy to finally discover that my not being "NORMAL" was ADD. Once I started meds I improved so much that he actually sent me flowers for a whole week straight! In a way this frightened me because I wasn't sure my big improvement would last...which it didn't because even with meds I still have ADD. I struggle to get house work done, forgetful when it comes to paying bills, get distracted and short with the kids, I stay up until the wee hours of the morning when it is quiet in order to concentrate on getting things done which he hates. He can't stand my ADD and longs for a wife who is organized, has dinner on the table at 6:30 each night, has all of the clothes washed and folded and put away, the kids homework done, and put to bed on time. Oh and "time"...this would be his biggest complaint as I always run late with everything! He says he doesn't think anybody could live with me. He calls me a slob often and is back to telling me I'm not normal. This makes me feel so bad about myself. Life is such a struggle for me and I hate it and it's obvious he does as well. On the other hand... being a perfectionist I am fanatical about looking my best in my appearance. This he loves. I asked him the other day if he would rather have the "model show-piece home" or the "model show-piece wife". He laughed and replied "What do you think?" I guess this meant he would rather have me keeping myself looking beautiful rather then the house. LOL! I just wish I could do it all! Being a perfectionist with ADD is so draining! I feel like such a failure sometimes and often wonder if someone else really could put up with me. I long to be loved for who I am and yes I have ADD and can't take this away. He helps so much and I would say does more then half of everything around here...and this makes me feel so guilty. Does anybody else have this problem with a spouse? It seems all I do is work all day but at the end of the day I look around and I wonder what I did...so does he. Am I forever doomed? By the way I also work part time which takes away from my time at home. Funny... I actually do better in this environment probably because it is more stuctured at work and there are less distractions to deal with then in the home.

I'm a wife with 3 kids just diagnosed last year. I've been married almost 11 years.

I had ADD and bipolar when he married me. I had ADD and bipolar when I had kids. I had ADD and bipolar for our tenth anniversary. I have ADD and bipolar right now. I'm on meds and in cognitive behavioral therapy (unlearning bad habits) but my meds did not, do not and never will cure my ADD and bipolar. They get me to a starting line, they help, they clean out some of my brain sludge that slows me up from even doing normal, everyday things.

Your hubby sounds like a basically nice guy. Not knowing you I'd have to guess that he loves you. He thinks you're beautiful. I don't quite know what his definition of "normal" is, but you are normal for you and he married you with all this stuff for better or worse. He didn't marry the perfect little Donna Reed who vacuums in high heels, he married you. What is it? I have met other people and when they get married they think their wives turn into their mothers.

First, you're more fine than you realize. I tell myself that on my bad days just to help me remember. Second, don't stop with the meds. There are plenty of books out there and advice articles here (and other sites we have links to) that talk about coping with it and changing bad habits. My favorite is Adults with ADD. With straterra plus lists I actually get things done during the day. It also discusses relationships with other people and how our non-ADD significant others can deal with and understand us. So that's #3, he needs an ADD education. If you had diabetes he'd read about it and understand how to help, what kinds of food you can or can't eat, etc.

Obviously, bombarding him with these suggestions at the dinner table after a hard day's work is not likely the best time and will probably not be received well. So would he go to an ADD support group? Would he check out this forum? If you got a book out of the library and he saw you reading it in bed, would he ask about it? "Oh, just some tips for people with ADD and advice for people who live with them." Would he look at it?

I think it's great he picks up the slack around the house. He's probably saying the "you're not normal" at times when he's tired and frustrated. I'm not justifying it, I'm attributing it to being human. So there's stuff you can do, and there's stuff he can do. And together you can't cure your ADD but you can all learn to live with it.

p.s. no, I'm not like most of the other wives I know. I hang out with the unusual ones like me. Always have at least one friend who keeps her house worse than yours, you'll feel better.

Sure makes me love and appreciate my husband all the more! I have never been talked to like that by him. He actually finds me smarter then most, even though I disagree. He just says my brain works different then others. Better in fact. And I tell him we live like pigs with furniture! He says, ya....so! We're happy!

And if you need to hang around a slob, someone worse at housecleaning than you, call me. I am sure I can fill that bill! :D

Eyeforgot...Thank you. I've been married for 14 years, have three kids and yes my husband is a really nice guy and is frustrated. Funny, my best friend is my sister...a Donna Reed clone! LOL! But she's unusual in her own way. I actually like being different...I think people with ADD are creative, very sensitive to others feelings, polite, and always have an incredible sense of humor! I am all of these things I just wish I was more organized and together. And yes I should have a friend with a house that's a bit cluttered. Unfortunately everyone I know in my neighborhood are neat freaks with the model homes and my husband goes to their houses and see's this, then he'll come home and ask me why I'm not the same! I'll most definitely get him some reading material. I'll get the book you recommended "Adults with ADD". He did read a little about ADD, but should really read more. Just talking to people who understand where I'm coming from helps so agian...Thanks!

Crazymama05...Thank you too. Guess I'm not supposed to post two in a row here but while I was getting back to Eyeforgot I then saw your reply. Sounds like you have a great hubby...he's a keeper! I think mine just needs to be educated on the matter. Thanks too for the invite...if I'm ever in Minnesota I'll be sure to swing by!

well... ok I AM NOT MARRIED but i have add and im in a relationship, and my boyfriend also has add. he always tells me "well THIS is why you need to focus" (if i forgot something) or "you need to pay attention" and "you should do it this way" and "you take so long!" and "just concentrate on one thing at a time!".
a lot of the time it annoys me and i get really frustrated and sad about him saying all this stuff - but if i really think about it, he's only trying to help me. he's probably trying to get me to do the same for myself as he is diong.
the only thing is... i'm working on stuff thats more improtant.
rather than working on focusing, im working on NOT HYPERfocusing (thats when you plan to do something for 5 minutes but get sucked into it and spend 3 hours doing it!), procrastination etc.
and saying "you need to focus" is way too a general statement./.. and to be really honest, i'm not quite sure HOW to sustain focus or what exactly it means to do such a thing.

i know we'll be together for a long long time, and i'm worried that this will get like your (kid@heart) relationship, that i will be expected to do all the 'wifey stuff' and i wont be able to do it - and i KNOW i wont be able to do it!
and i will be so busy also because i will be a primary (elementary) school teacher, so 80% of my home time will be spent working too (i guess its not normal, but i just cant get it done fast enough!).

but then if i'm working full time too, i can't be expected to do EVERYTHING.. can I?

(sorry for rambling..)

Forgive me for butting in, but please, please, please, do not judge yourself by some standard of how you are "supposed" to be.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

kid @ heart:

One way Mike and I problem solved our laundry situation:

I could do the laundry but little else would get done when I did all 7 loads in one day and the clothes never got put away. So hubby and I struck a deal. I would do a couple of loads mid-week so the kids didn't run out of underwear and socks and then on the weekend he would do the laundry (he usually does all of it Friday night or Saturday morning). Whatever I could wash and dry, great, he would put it away. And yes, he does the laundry differently than I would, but I don't dare complain. And the kids help sort it which means it's a family chore and not some dreaded, lingering failure on my part each week.

So maybe you and your sweetie can work something like this out for yourselves, for whatever chore(s) is your biggest bone of contention. Just a thought.

kid @ heart:

One way Mike and I problem solved our laundry situation:

I could do the laundry but little else would get done when I did all 7 loads in one day and the clothes never got put away. So hubby and I struck a deal. I would do a couple of loads mid-week so the kids didn't run out of underwear and socks and then on the weekend he would do the laundry (he usually does all of it Friday night or Saturday morning). Whatever I could wash and dry, great, he would put it away. And yes, he does the laundry differently than I would, but I don't dare complain. And the kids help sort it which means it's a family chore and not some dreaded, lingering failure on my part each week.

So maybe you and your sweetie can work something like this out for yourselves, for whatever chore(s) is your biggest bone of contention. Just a thought.
This is funny you would mention laundry! And I dare complain and here's why. Since the day we moved in together he has been ruining my clothes! Washing red, black, purple with white (if it's a dark color it must go in with the whites), washing wool sweaters & throwing them the dryer on high, washing silk in the washer and then putting that the dryer...I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture! LOL! Then if he tries to put things away he has no idea what belongs to whom. I am obviously a woman and I have three boys. Now I can't count the times I've opened my dresser drawer to find sponge bob square pants undies or itsy bitsy socks with a mini footballs printed on the side! Then I'll go to my four year olds drawer and find several of my shirts (many of them pink!)...then to my nine year olds drawer and find several pairs of my levis! And let me tell you it didn't go over very well when my fourteen year old son found a victoria's secret lace bra in his underwear drawer! To make a long story... longer (HA!) I have banned him from the laundry! But we did srike up a deal. He does ALL of the dishes...always. I never wash a dish. I do all of the laundy...always. He never washes the clothes. This works! Funny too you mentioned 7 loads! Always seems like no matter how much laundry I do that's about how many loads are still sitting in there...SEVEN LOADS! My boys can dirty up more clothes and towels in one day then thier three pet mice poop in one day! (FYI: Mice poop more then any living creature on the planet I think!) EYEFORGOT, thank you. Good advice! We need to more of this...trading off thing.
P.S. And what's the deal with socks? I buy them each one kind, but each size a little different (for each boy) so I can tell who's socks are who's. Now I do laundry and most of those socks that I have purchased are gone and have been replaced with all kinds of other socks I have never seen before like this multi-colored knee high I once found! I hate socks! I hope in heaven there are no socks!

I'm ADD and I'm just like you........ sorry, but I told my husband he either needs to help out around the house and stop complaining because I'll never be that wife he thinks is normal or find other wife who would be that way.

I don't feel doing all you say is what is a "normal" wife.......

ADDitives:
I felt I should respond to you and your concerns. I think in one way when both people are in a relationship and both have ADD this could be a good thing because you can both really understand what it is like to feel the way you do. On the other hand I can also understand your frustration with him and his thinking you should be doing everything his way. My mother is also ADD (although she would never admit it, but it is obvious to me and the rest of my family). She is always telling me this is how I should do this and this is how I should do that. And yes, she does have some very good ideas at times...but other times I know it's just not the best route for me. I end up telling her "Mom, I love you but the way you do this just doesn't work for me. I need to be able to find my own way for this one." If you just explain to him that even though you are both ADD you still are two different people and what works for his mind may not for yours. As far as my relationship, my husband barely understands ADD at all! He says it out loud! "I just don't understand ADD! Why can't you just do this!" But he does help me in ways without even knowing it. Any relationship isn't always all roses. It takes hard work, ADD or not. As far as the "wifey stuff"...he knows who you are and how you are and loves you still (as EYEFORGOT put it for me... which helped so much)...don't worry, he won't expect you to do everything. Look, I've been married for 14 years and believe me I'm not doing all the "wifey stuff" and he's still here so I guess I'm doing something right! He doesn't have ADD but he has his own set of issues that I have to deal with. We started counceling together a while back, this has helped a lot. By the way I'm always starting what's to be a 5 minute project and before I know it, it's been 3 hours! At least I know what it is I have done has been done exceptionally well! LOL!

thanks kid@heart.

i realised somethign thismorning. i think he knows im different.. and thats probably what he likes about me? im just not like all the other people.
and also, we can both be absolutely silly and we both know why and can both just play.. and i literally mean playing like kids!

i have the same problem as eyeforgot with the washing... i can do the washing, that no problem, and i'll even hang it out. but i just HATE having to do something with it afterwards! whether its ironing or just putting stuff away - i hate it! and this week i had a really HUGE load of washing, and.. i actually oculdnt get it all in the machine at once, but ther'es not enough to put in there again, so some stuff has to wait a few days until there's other stuff to go with it!

and i used EVERY SINGLE PEG hanging it out, and i was even sparing with the pegs i used to pjyamas and tshirts i wear at home - i did that 2 in between for one thing (i cant explain it, but you have things overlapping slightly, so that only one peg is used for each item)

it took me SO LONG to hang it all out too! and then i handwashed a shirt, and thats out there now.

when i handwash stuff, i forget about it. i leave it to soak with the soapy water... then i forget. then i rinse it off, then i leave it to soak in clean water. and i forget about it again. then i let out the water, and forget about it again. then maybe in a few hours.. or DAYS.. i will remember it and hang it out.

(have i gone just WAYYY too much off topic?)

as for kid@heart.... i guess im silly to say this... but just try to not get TOO caught up in the fact that youre not like other typical "wife" people, and yeah.. definately get your husband properly educated on add. :) i'm sure once he reads about it properly, he'll think "oh, so THATS why she does that!'

Socks: Buy all the same socks. My oldest two are near enough in age and size that they can make do with the same white socks with the bottoms that are "stain resistant" (i.e. they're blue or gray and you can't see the dirt as easily). The youngest has a slightly different sock but we don't worry about matching in this house. blue and gray match near enough.

The other thing that helps is dots. I take a perm marker and one dot is the first kid, two dots is the second, three dots is the youngest. When the clothes get handed down I add a dot. That way we can have some things distinguished. (and if you're down with the flu hubby can make do).

Ya know, for me it's the follow-through as well. I start but don't finish. You should have seen this one field trip we took. We get to the morning of the field trip, an all day event and I have forgotten to make arrangements for my dog to be taken care of AND I didn't follow through on getting a replacement for the little girl I babysit. I'm making these arrangements at 7 a.m. and I still get home too late for the little girl and her mom had to drop her at a friend's house because I wasn't there. GAH! Didn't mean to do that. (she forgave me) The only thing that saves my life are lists of lists and more lists. If I write down absolutely everything it really makes a difference. And I'm only allowed two places for lists or I forget where the list is. Counter or purse. Anywhere else and I may as well have never made the list at all and be runnin' on my limited memory. Scary.

I was diagnosed with ADD about a year ago. For years my husband would tell me that I was just not normal. When my ADD was discovered we were both so happy to finally discover that my not being "NORMAL" was ADD. Once I started meds I improved so much that he actually sent me flowers for a whole week straight! In a way this frightened me
Same problem from the other side. My wife melted down and left me. In my case it was painful as hell... but I am better off. I can just be me now.

I am a free spirit in my core and need to fly. That is me, though :) ADD is really only an impairment if you try to conform... You never will be able too... and the meds do stop working. We are over dx'd and over med'd.. by doctors that do not know the first thing about ADD. One thing is sure... we get that dx and geek out on it until we are it. (I was dx'd as NPD by one really bad doctor and geeked until I thought I had all of the signs... turns out I am the polar opposite of NPD, lol)

The best med is to learn to accept yourself and love yourself... it took me over 35 (25 years post dx) years so don't think I think it is easy.

And one thing is for sure...if I ever get married, she IS going to be a fellow ADDer. Normals don't get us and we don't get them (read the thread on internal vs. external reference).

Same problem from the other side. My wife melted down and left me. In my case it was painful as hell... but I am better off. I can just be me now.

I am a free spirit in my core and need to fly. That is me, though :) ADD is really only an impairment if you try to conform... You never will be able too... and the meds do stop working. We are over dx'd and over med'd.. by doctors that do not know the first thing about ADD. One thing is sure... we get that dx and geek out on it until we are it. (I was dx'd as NPD by one really bad doctor and geeked until I thought I had all of the signs... turns out I am the polar opposite of NPD, lol)

The best med is to learn to accept yourself and love yourself... it took me over 35 (25 years post dx) years so don't think I think it is easy.

And one thing is for sure...if I ever get married, she IS going to be a fellow ADDer. Normals don't get us and we don't get them (read the thread on internal vs. external reference).Chain...
I am sorry about your marriage, but glad you feel you can just be you now. I completely understand this feeling as I tell my husband this often. "I am who I am and if you don't like it then I guess you'll just have to leave." We finally agreed on counceling because to be quite honest he too has some issues I find hard to deal with. I don't know if we will make it...right now I think we are just working on ourselves. I also can relate to your response "If I ever get married, she IS going to be a fellow ADDer." I have a good friend who is also ADD. He's married to a non ADDer like I am and says the same thing. I love talking with him because we see things so eye to eye it's scary! We went to get Easter stuff for our kids together and we were both doing the same things...getting side tracked looking at other things besides Easter, throwing something in the basket then throwing in the same thing ten minutes later, and then finally realizing we had been there at Walgreen's for four hours and had completely lost track of time! Watching him made me laugh...me in male form! My meds worked great for over a year but they don't work as well as they used to now and I don't want to up the dose... so looks like I'll just have to learn to find other ways to deal with it. On the other hand I HAVE learned over the years to love who I am, ADD and all...it's just hard when the person I live with doesn't accept the ADD part of me. I'm hoping he will soon take the time to educate himself about ADD and why I am the way I am. By the way, where is this thread: Internal vs. external? I would really like to read this.
Thanks!

OOOH man this breaks my heart to hear.
Your ADD is not a part of you; it is you! It is your essence, it's what gives you fire and passion, you gotta surround yourself with people that see this as your power, not your downfall. Maybe we will even all even fly someday as chain mentioned! I have read this article a bunch of times, it always seems to help...http://www3.sympatico.ca/garrylawton/ADD/What.htm.
PS I loved chain's thread as well!

It is really hard to run a full household with ADD, and with work too for some of us. We surely need the understanding of those nearest and dearest. I know that even with lists, plans and help I still mess up. But then, I always have!
We all have good points that are truly excellent, and we should think of those when the weird stuff happens. Hopefully our loved ones can too...

Kid@heart,

Something else I remembered, that I wanted to add. On our first year anniversary, my mother bought us the book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Now I dont usually ascribe to these kinds of things, I think what can some guy know about our relationship when he has never met us.

That night, we sat in a hot tub in some posh hotel room and vowed to make our marraige work, so decided to give this book a try. We took turns reading outloud. Now some of the stuff didnt apply, or was corny. But as a hole, that book made a difference. I learned things about him and myself, that went a long way to helping us communicate better. We are still learning how to communicate everyday, but we are pretty good at it. He has never EVER said one disparaging word about me, nor I him. It taught us about respecting and listening to one another. This was prior to my being diagnosed with ADD, and looking back, the way I am sometimes, I think that book has gone a long way to keeping the lines open, even though they should have been cut off. ADD brings in a whole host of new problems, but the book is still helpful.

For instance, I read in the book were when a woman tells a man were to park in a parking lot, the man feels that we are attacking him personally, making him feel incompetent, and unable to provide. I laughed thinking it was ridiculous!!! My husband looked at me and said, Ronee, it drives me nuts when you do that!

You dont even have to get him to read it, just read it yourself, and what you learn you will apply to all the relationships in your life, and it will improve them on some level. Your partners will recognise subtle changes, and their outlook will change too.

I just wanted to share this, hoping that maybe something this simple will help if even just a little. Your husbands sounds pretty great too, I mean he does the dishes, all the time. My husband can barely get it from the table to the countertop! But this is insignificant to me, there are other matters that are much more important. Where I need him to help, he does.

Anyway, I hope this helped, sorry it went on so long.

crazymama

I second the Mars/Venus book.

We've had it for awhile, but it's been on the bookshelf. I picked it up the other day and read a few chapters and applied the techniques. Boy did it catch my wife off gaurd. :eek:
One of the main things a man should do is just listen and acknowledge his wife's conversations. Don't try to offer suggestions on what they need to do. Males are problem solvers and it's in our nature to offer advice. Just listen and offer support to your wives.

I've learned so much over the last year. :)

Tim

- Tim's incessant talking is wearing on all of us. (comment on 4th grade report card)


What a thing for a teacher to say. Didnt she know how impressionable young children are.

You sure have come a long way!!!!:D

Crazymama05,

Thanks!

I also think my constant getting up and walking around the classroom might have also contributed to her perception of me. :D

Tim,

Thanks for the laugh. What I wouldnt give to have been in that class room. :D

LOL! I wanted to let you both know I have purchased the Mars/Venus book and plan to start reading tonight...or tomarrow night. For sure by Tuesday of next week! Hahahahahaha! Teasing! I am starting it NOW! I'll let you know what I think...Thank's for the tip!
Kid!

kid@heart,

I hope it works as well for you as it has for me. I wish you all the best!

Let me know how things work out and what you think of the book.

Ronee

wow....describes me very well...almost exactly...how old are you?

:) Wow just finished reading all the above post. I am married to a really cool guy...in alot of ways he is my best friend. But he is the most organized person I have ever known, he has everything filed,labled, and in the correct spot.... Me well tring to keep the basic's together is a challenge most days. I have just started meds... and they are helping..but I still can';t keep up with my keys and cell phone. It has always felt like I was so totaly out of step with the rest of the world. Ok.... thanks for listening. And thanks for a place where I don't feel so crazy and out of step:)

I struggle to get house work done, forgetful when it comes to paying bills, get distracted and short with the kids, I stay up until the wee hours of the morning when it is quiet in order to concentrate on getting things done which he hates. He can't stand my ADD and longs for a wife who is organized, has dinner on the table at 6:30 each night, has all of the clothes washed and folded and put away, the kids homework done, and put to bed on time. Oh and "time"...this would be his biggest complaint as I always run late with everything! He says he doesn't think anybody could live with me. He calls me a slob often and is back to telling me I'm not normal. This makes me feel so bad about myself. Life is such a struggle for me and I hate it and it's obvious he does as well. On the other hand... being a perfectionist I am fanatical about looking my best in my appearance. This he loves. I asked him the other day if he would rather have the "model show-piece home" or the "model show-piece wife". He laughed and replied "What do you think?" I guess this meant he would rather have me keeping myself looking beautiful rather then the house. LOL! I just wish I could do it all! Being a perfectionist with ADD is so draining! I feel like such a failure sometimes and often wonder if someone else really could put up with me. I long to be loved for who I am and yes I have ADD and can't take this away. He helps so much and I would say does more then half of everything around here...and this makes me feel so guilty. Does anybody else have this problem with a spouse? It seems all I do is work all day but at the end of the day I look around and I wonder what I did...so does he. Am I forever doomed? By the way I also work part time which takes away from my time at home.
First I'm so very sorry that you are in so much pain. I know how it feels when you are made to believe & as if u could really forget...even for a minute...constantly told all the ways that it "appears" that you're not normal.

Secondly, where do you get the tolerance & patience not to mention energy to continue to live with someone who thinks they are so "perfect & normal?"

Last but certainly not least..."You Are Not A Failure." And I was wondering if you thought it had ever crossed hubby's mind that if he spent as much time & energy helping you cope with the things that are the most problematic for you instead of "sitting in judgement" that there would be days when you & he could see what you had gotten accomplished ?
BlessedLady

I just read all of these posts, and can really identify with them, more so recently than before. I have tried to share info about ADD with my husband of 3 years ( but we have been together for 8 years so my habits are not new to him) since I was officially diagnosed 4 years ago. He just says he doesn't have time to read and doesn't want to since his job involves alot of reading So we have bounced along all these years with him complaining more and more. We adopted a 5 year old and 10 year old 3 years aog, and quit my teaching job to be available for them. As a result of my not working, husband thinks that the house shuld be cleaner and more organized than when I was working. Unfortunately, havng less daily structure in my day and adding the task of keeping everyone else on track has brought my ADD full front. I have taken steps to be better organized- in other words I acknowlege my weaknesses and am trying to structure my life with that in mind. Anyway, hubby is always complaining, (but doesn't do any of the things that he complains I don't do) and every now and then issues orders such as "have that guest room cleaned up or I'll do it for you" in a "or else" tone. His idea of cleaning is taking everything and dumping it in a bag or box then stashing it in a closet. This is how he cleans out my car for me (but sees this as helping). He does not get my "out of sight out of mind" issue. So last week he takes one of the kids to a counseling appointment and sees the book ADD and Romance on the therapist's shelf, looks through it, and rushes out to buy it to read on the plane during a business trip (from DC to Hawaii- plenty of reading time:) ) SO instead of having a better understanding of why some things are more difficult for me -I have never used my ADD as an excuse-he throws my ADD into every disagreement we have "You start arguments with me because your brain needs to be stimulated" or "Now I know why our sex life isn't what it was when we first met- you were hyperfocused because of your ADD" or "people with ADD tend to be critical of others " (that came when I was trying to point out he had some part in our problems) But these comments are not made as statements of understanding- they are more like sharp barbs. Now everything that is wrong is "because of your ADD". I am very angry that he chose to use the very information I wanted him to turn everything into my fault. SO now he is a perfect person, and is also an expert on ADD and relationships and I'm the dysfunctional one. How ironic that the knowledge I thought would help with our relationship has been turned against me.
The funny thing is that he was diagnosed a couple years ago with chronic anger. Of course all the causes for that were external and had nothing to do with how he chose to handle situations. (according to him) He chose to not use meds, and not go to therapy- he claims that the one therapist he did see told him to eliminate the stressors in his life (for example- his wife!!) Wouldn't that be a perfect solution???? but IMPOSSIBLE. SO instead he places all the blame for our problems on my ADD. :mad: Nice......

Cody's mom....HUGS. First your husband sounds abusive. Love has nothing to do with puting someone down. It truely sounds like he is the one with the problem. I truely hope I don't hurt yout feelings....but I hate to see anyone treated like this.

Cody's mom....HUGS. First your husband sounds abusive. Love has nothing to do with puting someone down. It truely sounds like he is the one with the problem. I truely hope I don't hurt yout feelings....but I hate to see anyone treated like this.
I agree with "mrsnurse1965". This sounds outright abusive and his comments are not helping you one bit. They are made to belittle and cause guilt in you. No one should have to live this way.

Have you been to therapy together? This type of behavior would be obvious during the sessions and the therapist would have picked up on it.

If you don't like the way you are being treated, then you have some serious decisions to make. You can go to therapy by yourself and learn to deal/react with the way your being treated. This could improve your level of confidence and self-esteem. But it might get to a point where he notices positive changes in you and not like it. Things could move to the next level and become physical due to his diagnosis. You have to be very careful if you start to make changes in you and start making waves with his life.

I went back to re-read the post and notices your husband was in therapy and the therapist recommended removing the stressors in his life. Did the therapist actually say to him to remove you? That seems to be very unethical.

Unfortunately, he will need to be willing to make changes in his life for your marriage/relationship to work.

Good luck with your decisions and keep everyone posted.

((((((((((((((((((cody's mom))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry that you're going through all that with your husband :(

I have been married for almost 4 years this time.... At first we had a lot of fights because our house was never as clean as "so and so's house". But slowly we have come to the point that first I am working on keeping things neater and 2 nd he has learned that the world does not end if the kids rooms are not perfect. He told me today that he was glad that I was different than most of his friends wives because I was "real and down to earth" not to mention low maintance....LOL

I want to say thanks to all who passed on advice and support!!!! I am still pondering how to handle this situation ........ Thanks!!!