View Full Version : Guidance

03-29-14, 09:51 AM
What do you do when one partner has ADHD and the other has OCD? Being the OCD partner, I think things 5 steps ahead from all different perspectives and outcomes. I believe that to be on time, you need to be 10 minutes early. I am a creature of habit/routine and anything outside of that most likely causes me anxiety. My boyfriend on the other hand, loves adventure, living in the now, and taking things as they come. I greatly admire it and in many ways, I wish I could be more like him.

But other times. It just drives me nuts... Our disorders are basically polar opposites and in times when it doesn't create balance in our beings, it just causes sheer turmoil. We don't get why the other person has to "be that way." We don't get why the other can't just be more like us. Times like now, our relationship makes little sense. And my friends think he's too lazy and not with it enough for me. And his friends think I'm too crazy. But that's simply not so. When things are great, they are just oh so great. And we truly do find balance and peace in the other.

At this very moment, things are bad. Our temper is completely opposite also. I can go from 0 to 100 quickly and fizzle down to 30 soon after. My boyfriend on the other hand goes from 0 to 1 to 2 to 4 to 8, so he exponentially gets angrier and doesn't come down from it easily. I figuratively bit him when I was upset and he lashed back at me and now is just simply upset and believes our relationship may not be worth it anymore. He says this pretty frequently when he's upset. He says things he doesn't mean when he's upset. He struggles to have a filter when he's level headed, it is far out the door when he is angry. And then he shuts down and refuses to talk to me. At times because he realizes that he lost his filter and doesn't want to cause more damage. Other times, simply because he's "done."

What am I supposed to do? What can I change on my own end to stop this from happening? What do you advise me about how he can handle things better on his end? What can we do together as a couple to survive?

03-29-14, 05:28 PM
Are you two in treatment for your disorders?

03-29-14, 08:23 PM
I am in counseling myself and he has recently joined a support group. Together we have tried behavioral cognitive therapy on each other

03-30-14, 12:21 AM
Get help to see if you can make it work with treatment, meds, therapy, etc... or maybe it won't work? I wish I knew... people who are different make it work all the time, they just have to see if there is a way TO make it work so each are in an OK place and both feel safe, and feel needs are being met. Good luck.

03-30-14, 06:51 AM
Meds can really help with the things you mention that are struggles, I urge you to consider this for both of you.

03-30-14, 08:07 AM
Together we've been looking over behavioral cognitive therapy. But I am doing some counseling and he just recently joined a support group

03-30-14, 01:09 PM
Wow, between the two of you, that's a lot to grapple with at once. You got some good advice here, I think. With this much in play, I think it's good to take advantage of any help you can get, both as regards therapy and medication. It's hard to work to understand, change or manage things if you are feeling overwhelmed.

See if you can get some progress in one sector or another, and thus reduce the number of intersecting problems and challenges you have to deal with at once. And do post again to update us on how it's all going. There are lots of people here who can be very understanding and helpful with what you are going through.

all good wishes--

04-01-14, 11:51 PM
Meds like others said.

If your boyfriend isn't as committed to improving both himself and your relationship as you are, I'd dump him (it takes 2 to improve).

My sister had anger problems. Not a single one of her relationships ever worked out no matter who she was with until she was able to improve herself. It's cause anger is toxic to every relationship. I think you and your boyfriend need to work on your anger issues as individuals.

Tackle each problem one at a time - don't just lump them all together into one big "we're just so different".

Make agreements in advance about how you guys would act when a certain problem arises. Try to find solutions that satisfy both of you. But if you can't then the person with a "need" should have their "needs" met while the person with just a "want" should be the one to compromise. "needs" should always be met in every relationship because it is a "need".

Like say you guys always fight before going to a party cause you always have to be there early while he still thinks you guys can wait a little while longer before leaving.

If you guys can both be happy by going separately to the party great. If you can't find any solution that works for both of you, then look at "need" versus "want". I think it's a need for you to be early. I'd be surprised if waiting till the last minute is an absolute need for your boyfriend - it isn't for me (though maybe your boyfriend is different). I just get caught up in whatever it is I'm doing at the moment so don't want to put it down or lose track of time.

If we have agreed in advance that you are the one who decides when we start getting ready and you tell me to drop things and start getting ready when the situation arises, I can do it and not get upset about it. I I can do this So long as you've compromised in other types of situations for me, so long as I really care about you, and so long as you are the one who tells me to start getting ready when it's time cause I can't motivate myself on my own to do it sometimes (without a direct instruction/request from someone else).

If your boyfriend sees everything as a "need" for him and wants you to compromise all the time, ditch him.

I'd also set yourself a time limit for seeing improvement. If by a certain time you don't see any, I'd drop the relationship. Most relationships get harder with time so if you can't get it to work even after trying for a while, it's just not worth it.

If OCD is as inheritable as ADHD, your children may end up having both by the way - and looking at my dad who has both, I'd say it is not a good combination (though in mild cases, the OCD can counteract some ADHD flaws - but you won't know if it'll be mild for your kids).

04-02-14, 01:56 AM
I'm not OCD, but I am very much OCPD, type A, overachieving, self perfectionist, etc etc.
My partner is ADD.
Him and I have been together since previous to his diagnosis and it has been *quite* a journey.
I'll be perfectly honest. My personality has been a HUGE challenge.
It's been an asset when things got bad, but like many things it's also been a detriment to myself and difficult for my bf to deal with.
It takes an extraordinary amount of dedication and perseverance by both parties, and a LOT of commitment.
I have had to continuously work, every single day, on myself and be very honest when looking in the mirror for the good and bad.
My 'I clean my house top to bottom every morning and evening' has had to massively change. My expectations, etc etc.
There are times I need to go outside my house for a breather.
My routines and expectations go out the window.
A big part of really deciding what is worth it and what you have to give up or compromise on.
It's tough... it's * extremely * tough.
However, if you believe in your relationship it is totally worth it and it will grow you together as a couple.
After a lot of work together and compromises, your strengths will compliment each other, your partner will lessen your own 'things' and loosen you up, and you will strengthen your partners loose ends.

I'm not sure if any of that helps or makes sense, but that's my $0.02. :)

Ps. Always tell your partner something is half an hour earlier if you are freaky about time - it has saved my sanity more than once ;)