View Full Version : Hating School and myself


Chuk15
04-03-14, 12:48 PM
I really want to finish school. I don't want to drop out and be 50k in debt without a degree. Counselors have offered extra time on exams and note-takers but I don't have these issues. I simply can't seem to pay attention or study or pay bills or apply to applications until I think I'm going to have to end my life if I don't do them.

Even Adderall 30 mg xr barely does anything.

For example, I work a food-service job (that was literally handed to me) but I know I would really like to try working in a hospital or research. I can't bring myself to do the applications unless someone were to put a gun to my head and was going to pull the trigger if I didn't get it done that day. :-(

The only way for me to focus it seems is for a deadline to be so close that if I don't start my task immediately, I risk everything.

It disgusts me that I have no problem studying... but only at the very last minute when everything seems to be falling apart at the seams and I have no chance for long-term retention or reviewing material I don't fully understand.

The thing that really hurts and makes me stay awake at night berating myself is that right before deadlines when I actually start my task I end up saying to myself a few minutes in, "Wow that task I was putting off actually wasn't that bad! If only I had started early so I could better retain this information! Next time I'll surely do this task in advance so I can get a headstart on it and not have to worry!"
Then, like clockwork, I immediately go back to procrastinating on the next assignment...

For example, I don't start papers till the day of. I sit there and I can tell my mind is calculating the exact amount of time it needs to do the bare minimum. I don't start my task until my mind seems to flip the switch and the world now feels like it is coming to an end.

If I work quicker than I expected, my motivation dips again until I've wasted enough time that I need to work at breakneck speed again. I don't start studying for exams until the day before/day of.

Obviously, my grades are below average on the curves (C's), but as long as I don't fail out I don't think I'll ever learn.

I secretly want to fail out so that maybe I'll learn my lesson. But I probably wouldn't and I might just end up ending my life if I end up having to have life-or-death struggles with myself every single day to do the simplest things. It is tiring, and I am tired of fighting myself every single day.

psychological1
04-03-14, 01:41 PM
I can relate to so much of what you are going through. Procrastination can really be something terrible. For example, my psychology class has three exams and a final. My third exam was this morning, and I hadn't even begun studying until yesterday. As I'm sure you know, you can't retain a third of a semester in one day.

Like the last two exams, I did just fine, but I know that I could be doing far better. What I've recently done that has helped is go to the University Counseling Center. This is different from the Students with Disabilities Center, which does only accommodations. The psychologist I've been working with has been helping me with the anxiety that goes along with managing ADD in college, as well as referred me to a psychiatrist for better treatment.

I don't know where you go to college, but therapy with a psychologist can be more helpful than you'd think. Even if it's just them putting you into contact with someone else who can help, like a study coach or something.

I'm going to speak with my psychiatrist about managing my anxiety with medication soon, as I hope that it will help me to get less caught up in the mounds of work I have, and look at things more objectively. Best of luck with whatever you choose, but it's sometimes nice to know that there are people going through the same things.

Mcgregger44
04-04-14, 01:43 AM
A great resource to use outside of traditional meds is a close friend or even a family member who you can open up to. I'm going through the same things you are. I've taken medicine, went to therapy but the best medicine for me was getting a trusted family/friend's point of view. Sometimes you get a tunnel vision of "depression" and can't rationalize other, more beneficial options. I know you're probably busy and/or your family is putting a lot of pressure on you to continue school but I had to temporarily drop out and I have yet to regret it. I took some time off, time for myself, and everyday I wake up feeling stress free and liberated. At the end of the day, your health should come first. "If you don't care about yourself, no one will"

AshT
04-04-14, 02:22 AM
If someone needs to put a gun to your head to get you to fill out a form to be a nurse; you probably don't want it enough.

This is coming from someone whom nearly lost their driving license...three times...because I never learn due to not completing forms on time And my driving license at the time was my life line. So I do understand the issue with them. But I've never had an issue completing tasks when I was completely and utterly determined, emotionally determined not logically "this is what I should do".

Maxrog1959
04-13-14, 04:58 PM
"I don't start papers till the day of. I sit there and I can tell my mind is calculating the exact amount of time it needs to do the bare minimum."

" "Wow that task I was putting off actually wasn't that bad! If only I had started early so I could better retain this information! Next time I'll surely do this task in advance so I can get a headstart on it and not have to worry!""

Those 2 sentence right there completely describe me, I am currently 18 and have a feeling I'm in the same complete exact direction as you (No offensive and I meant seriously mean it.).

Don't know how to fight it and every time I get myself back to a so-called healthy sleeping pattern a test date is coming up and there goes the pattern again, pulling an all-nighter all over.