View Full Version : Really no clue whats wrong with me. Life without feelings nor emotions


ferrarl
04-09-14, 06:43 PM
I don't even know how to start. I pretty much have no feelings of any kind and most of my dreams feel more real than reality. I don't know exactly how long I've felt this way, but how I feel hasn't changed much or at all past +5 years. About a year ago I found out about brain fog it hasn't went away even for a day. Thinking back, I've had it way longer than a year but I considered normal then just as I considered feeling empty normal. When I talk to someone, I might actually laugh and enjoy myself but I really don't feel anything or feel emotions. I'm pretty sure I'm not happy, but honestly I'm not even sure of that.

Its hard to describe my feelings when I don't really know what they feel like. Past couple weeks I've cried few times when I've realized how lucky I am, and it was really nice. I think I'm always tired, but since I can't remember the last time I felt fully awake, I'm not sure if this is normal or not. I guess my situation is a bit weird because I have so much hope in my life which comes from my relationship with God. Us two are really close but I'm not sure if I've ever felt him. His promises are what keep me going.

I don't know if I've ever felt love or not, but I know I love others based on my actions and what I would do for them. I avoid self pity by all possible measures but I'm afraid to be stuck in this for rest of my life. The only things I feel are what my body feels. Cold, stomach growling, hot shower. World world seems dull through my eyes. Past month there were couple days when the world really seemed different through my eyes and I'm not sure what made that difference. When I saw a tree from close by, I knew it somehow looked different than before, it had more dimensions to it, but I can't tell what made that difference. I even thought to myself that the added dimension was called happiness but I was probably wrong.

I have many close friends who really care about me and I have all the reasons to be happy. In the past I thought I was happy when I compared my life other peoples lives, but now I know that's not how happiness is defined.

I don't know if this is depersonalization, depression, or something completely different. Any suggestions what this is are appreciated.

Corina86
04-10-14, 09:58 AM
Considering you've only felt this way for 5 years, it's not ok. And it's not a symptom of ADHD either. Quite the contrary, ADHD-ers tend to be over emotional over things. You could suffer from depression, it could be linked to ADHD medication or you could have some other disorder. But nobody can really tell what it is based on a post in a forum. I think you should talk to psychiatrist about this.

TygerSan
04-10-14, 10:32 AM
It honestly could be depression. . . sometimes anhedonia (lack of pleasure/emotion) is the overwhelming symptom.

This blog post really illustrates the numbness and lack of emotion well:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2013-10-02T14:53:00-06:00&max-results=10

5 years is a long time to feel this way :(

Nibs91
04-10-14, 12:27 PM
I can completely relate to this, it's how I feel now. I had always been depressed growing up (since my teens and onward) but never actually identified it or even called it "depression". I knew something was off but I didn't realize just how bad it was. Now I'm 23 and the past few years have been a giant battle within myself. Loads of responsibilities have "fueled the fire". I cannot identify or relate to anyone but myself. I try not to pity myself but it's really difficult not blaming myself for the messes I make.

I have conquered a fake laugh and have unintentionally automated my conversations. i see riight through people, my eyes are fixed on them but I'm really looking at the wall. I've had some periods of happiness though and would give anything to be like that 100% of the time. Im grateful for those experiences and that's honestly all I ever think about.

All I can say is you're not alone, I hope we can all feel better some day. :grouphug:

ferrarl
04-10-14, 05:50 PM
It honestly could be depression. . . sometimes anhedonia (lack of pleasure/emotion) is the overwhelming symptom.

This blog post really illustrates the numbness and lack of emotion well:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2013-10-02T14:53:00-06:00&max-results=10

5 years is a long time to feel this way :(

That blog was pretty powerful.

I think I'm in a little weird spot because I actually care about lots of things, especially people around me, but I get very little/if any satisfaction from anything. I might actually enjoy life since I like getting lost in my thoughts and even my own personality. I don't need to fake my laugh, smile, care for people but I don't know where those things come from. When having a great conversation, I unconsciously start smiling but I don't feel like I'm smiling. Isn't depression the absence of hope? I have to much hope about my future, present, and my life I wish I could give others some of it.

I smoked weed for about 2 months (stopped 2 months ago), and I've never felt happiness/feelings that even comes close when I was stoned. I stopped because my family was really concerned and I saw it develop into an addiction. And I didn't want have things more important than God in my life.
During the winter break which lasted 6 weeks, I didn't take adderall once and I was getting 9-10 hours great sleep a night, but nothing changed.
Talking to professional about this is probably a good idea.

MX2012
04-11-14, 06:08 PM
That blog was pretty powerful.

I think I'm in a little weird spot because I actually care about lots of things, especially people around me, but I get very little/if any satisfaction from anything. I might actually enjoy life since I like getting lost in my thoughts and even my own personality. I don't need to fake my laugh, smile, care for people but I don't know where those things come from. When having a great conversation, I unconsciously start smiling but I don't feel like I'm smiling. Isn't depression the absence of hope? I have to much hope about my future, present, and my life I wish I could give others some of it.

I smoked weed for about 2 months (stopped 2 months ago), and I've never felt happiness/feelings that even comes close when I was stoned. I stopped because my family was really concerned and I saw it develop into an addiction. And I didn't want have things more important than God in my life.
During the winter break which lasted 6 weeks, I didn't take adderall once and I was getting 9-10 hours great sleep a night, but nothing changed.
Talking to professional about this is probably a good idea.

Before you see a doctor, see if you can do a timeline for events in your life starting back before you felt things changed.

Include stressful events like the death of a loved one or pet, loss of a job, or even taking on a new hobby, new medications, any surgeries or medical events, etc. Two reasons for this - you may not realize you have been dealing with stress and when you do see a professional, you will have a rough outline of your physical/mental status over time.

The other thing is do not accept what may be presented as a normal "emotional" state. Think of emotions as having a range. Your feelings of joy or sadness may be normal for you.

I know that very early in my life I watched as other people exhibited emotions and often felt that some people were insincere in their emotional responses but were displaying what they thought were proper responses or they were doing it for attention. In addition, I often felt as if I were being manipulated to have a particular emotional response when that was not how I felt, so I became wary.

I feel I have a normal range of emotional responses but I do not respond the same as other people. Sometimes I will cry in pubic about something that is sad while others are stoic. Sometimes I will find joy where others do not and vice versa.

But, I do feel that depression is the absence of emotional responses and I have suffered cyclic depressions most of my life. But, I think they only lasted at the most a month. But, when you are depressed it feels like it will last forever.

Keep posting.

ferrarl
04-24-14, 09:30 AM
Quick update:
I'm now 90% sure that I have depression based on my inability to really enjoy anything, lack of caring, being in constant brain fog, and some suicidal thoughts. I'm never going to hurt myself because it's obviously God's will and the pain I would cause on the people who really care about me and I've told few people about the thoughts. I also quit weed 2 months ago which I smoked for about 2 months and this might explain why I started feeling grayer than usual.

I saw a counselor earlier this week and I think that meeting one on a weekly basis will really benefit me to recognize my emotions and what they actually are. Next week I have another meeting with him and I'm also meeting my family doctor to talk about antidepressants since they've worked well for my mother in the past.

Something that's been happening just past couple days, I've had some really weird dreams and I've woken up middle of the night. One of the dreams made me laugh more than I've ever laughed (but I was laughing in the dream), and when I woke up in middle of the night (mind still really sleepy and couldn't think straight), I felt a feeling I've never felt before. My mind just felt full of warmness and I didn't feel empty. Looking back, I wish I would have woken myself up completely but I felt back to sleep after like 30 secs.
Some of the other dreams also made me feel something in middle of the night when I woke up, but I can't remember those feelings that vividly. Another random observation I made yesterday when I dislocated my shoulder for the 2nd time in my life, the worst pain I've ever felt in my life is around 4 or 5 (on 1-10 scale). When the doctor was putting my shoulder back in place, I was making funny sounds but the pain wasn't too bad (4 or 5).

Nibs91
04-25-14, 01:52 PM
Quick update:
I'm now 90% sure that I have depression based on my inability to really enjoy anything, lack of caring, being in constant brain fog, and some suicidal thoughts. I'm never going to hurt myself because it's obviously God's will and the pain I would cause on the people who really care about me and I've told few people about the thoughts. I also quit weed 2 months ago which I smoked for about 2 months and this might explain why I started feeling grayer than usual.

I saw a counselor earlier this week and I think that meeting one on a weekly basis will really benefit me to recognize my emotions and what they actually are. Next week I have another meeting with him and I'm also meeting my family doctor to talk about antidepressants since they've worked well for my mother in the past.

Something that's been happening just past couple days, I've had some really weird dreams and I've woken up middle of the night. One of the dreams made me laugh more than I've ever laughed (but I was laughing in the dream), and when I woke up in middle of the night (mind still really sleepy and couldn't think straight), I felt a feeling I've never felt before. My mind just felt full of warmness and I didn't feel empty. Looking back, I wish I would have woken myself up completely but I felt back to sleep after like 30 secs.
Some of the other dreams also made me feel something in middle of the night when I woke up, but I can't remember those feelings that vividly. Another random observation I made yesterday when I dislocated my shoulder for the 2nd time in my life, the worst pain I've ever felt in my life is around 4 or 5 (on 1-10 scale). When the doctor was putting my shoulder back in place, I was making funny sounds but the pain wasn't too bad (4 or 5).

Gotta love dreaming, right?! Whether they are good or bad I'm always sooo happy when I dream....it's so nice to be able to let go of everything and actually feel real uninhibited emotions without having the back of your brain thinking/worrying about something else. :D

Sorry about your shoulder :( hope you feel better!

ASofterApproach
04-28-14, 02:04 AM
Out of curiosity do you take any mind altering drugs? Does anything or anyone in particular seem to make it somewhat ( I know its hard) go away if for only a brief moment?

ferrarl
05-01-14, 09:06 AM
Out of curiosity do you take any mind altering drugs? Does anything or anyone in particular seem to make it somewhat ( I know its hard) go away if for only a brief moment?

Weed is the only illegal drug I've ever taken and last time was 2 months ago. With it, I did have moments of complete clarity of mind with non interrupted thoughts which had never happened before. However, drugs like weed only provide a temporary solution while causing more problems in the future that need to be solved.

Today I saw my family doctor and he prescribed 150mg Wellbutrin XL and I'm excited to see how it will change my outlook in life. He told me it wouldn't create a "fake happy" but the emotions I'll experience are actually my own. Will update in couple days and let you know if the world becomes a nice place to live in.

someothertime
05-01-14, 09:21 AM
Kudos to you... to look at your experience objectively and seek out support :)

I hope the medication is beneficial!

As a sidenote... are you aware if family members have sought mental health help? / have conditions? Also, I think the timeline might be good... or a diary... to jot down emotions about past and present events as they occur...

Again... all the best!

ferrarl
06-19-14, 04:09 PM
Its been more than a month since I last posted here so here is an update.

I think my feelings and emotions are extremely numbed. The source for this is most likely the move to USA from Finland when I was 13 and not being able to connect to people. Whenever things should feel stressful or hard, I just feel more tired and detached. I honestly would prefer feeling emotional pain over this nothingness. If I could really feel pain, I could also feel joy. If I only feel nothingness, life feels meaningless. It's like I'm doing life while someone else is living it for me. My emotions, feelings, feeling of really being alive is stored somewhere in my brain but I just don't have access to it. I love dreaming since I actually feel alive in them and they feel so much more real than real life. But when I'm awake, I know its reality because life feels the same as it always does.

I took WellBurtin 150mg XL for a month and didn't notice any change. I'm now on 3rd week of 300mg XL and the only difference I've noticed is that I tend to be more tired than usual. Or maybe I just feel the same. Kinda bummed since I was hoping to start feeling something else than nothingness as a result of taking the meds.

I've spent past 3 weeks on a missions trip on Montenegro with an awesome group of Christians that really love me and care about me. It's been great to be around these people every day and share my life and feelings with them but I have a huge problem forming emotional bonds with people. Intellectually I know I love them but I feel no love towards them, even two of my closest friends that are here.

I don't miss my parents even though I haven't seen my mother for 6 months and my father for 4 months. I haven't seen my 16 year old sister for a year since she moved back to Finland last summer and I don't miss her either. Both of my parents are awesome, family has always been close and I would die for any of my family members but the only love and attachment I have for them is on the intellectual level.

I want to die but I know I can't. Suicide would be such waste of life and I would be causing immeasurable amount of pain to people around me. I almost hate myself for making the decision to never kill myself since it's such an easy way to heaven and out of nothingness. I've shared my suicidal thoughts with couple friends and discipler and they responded with love and empathy. I've gone very deep with one of my friends and I know they really do care about my situation.

I know I will never hurt myself in any way, but I'm really thinking about going back to weed. It's the only thing that has brought me the feeling of happiness, contentment, full range of emotions, tens of different feelings, but I'm 90% I won't go back to it either since I know smoking is wrong. I know if I would be able to feel something, I would be one of the happiest guys on the planet because I'm absolutely confident I'm spending eternity in heaven and have God looking at my every step but I don't know how I can start feeling again.

spamspambacon
06-19-14, 04:48 PM
If this helps any...

The way I understand how anti-depressants work:

You won't seem to feel any better... but the people around you will tend to notice some changes; not anything earth-shattering that they can put their finger on, but somehow, "you seem to be doing better..."

I also understand that Wellbutrin, like many other meds, do not take effect right away.
The phrase "two weeks" is tossed around, but *I* think that is not accurate.
Just like how our stimulants are supposedly lasting 8 hours (ha! imagine that!), yet most of us are getting half that time, or even less.

You said your mom took Wellbutrin?
If it was for depression, that's helpful to know.
Depression does have a partial genetic predisposition, so some families might have more occurrences that others.
If you can talk with your mom, perhaps you can ask her why it was prescribed, and see if she'll offer more details about how she felt before, and then a year later...
This may help you clarify your own internal feelings of disconnect...
You'd be surprised... close friends and mates are great, and can empathize with you, but family members bring "tribal knowledge" to the conversation that no friend can.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Cheers,

~spsaammmy

dvdnvwls
06-19-14, 05:02 PM
The following is no more than a hunch. Take it for what it's worth.

It can happen that a person may make a decision (conscious or not so conscious) to block out one certain feeling (or more). Even if that block is done for what seem like the best of reasons, it takes the rest of the feelings away with it.

Weed takes away some of your ability to block things out.

Pledge radical honesty to yourself about your own feelings, omitting nothing, not blaming or shaming yourself for having "wrong" or "bad" or "improper" feelings, and allow all feelings - the good, the bad, and the ugly - to happen. (Not that you should act on every impulse - that would be crazy - but feeling is not acting. Don't do stupid actions, but do feel stupid feelings, if they arise.) Allow yourself to "be negative". Allow yourself to experience your own "dark side". We all contain darkness as well as light; if we try to deny the darkness, we inevitably lose the light along with it.

MarkAfterDark
06-24-14, 10:12 PM
I've been taking SAM-e for a few months and it has really helped with the negative thoughts. Consult your doctor before you make any changes, please. DL-phenylalanine can also help with depression and can help with norepinephrine levels.

But please, I am not a doctor, just regurgitating what I have learned.

John the Runner
07-15-14, 02:18 AM
Fascinating....simply fascinating....it's almost like looking at a mirror. ...reading your words...I understand. I exercise which seems to help me "deal with it"....I don't like being this way...

ferrarl
07-21-14, 01:32 PM
I guess I'll post a quick update in case people are still interested in this.

I've realized that I have what I have and I can either make most out of it or look to the future and wish life would be better. I don't exactly know what making most out of this means in reality and its often easy just to give in to the mindset that everything feels meaningless and I don't even care about life. However, I've noticed that most of the days I just end up doing life without thinking about it which means most of the time I really don't feel anything but I just go to the next least boring thing.

I have amazing people around me, many of whom would be willing to give their lives for me. I'll be a junior in college next semester studying engineering and when I graduate in two years, I'll have a lot of money in savings left. I'm not worried about future because I really don't care too much about it and I know that I have an all powerful and all loving God on my side. I know that sometime in the future I'll be one of the happiest people alive because of the understanding God has allowed me to have of him and I truly believe I'm spending eternity with God.

Somehow I just can't feel thankful for all these things. In my mind I'm thankful for them, but its hard to find joy in things you don't actually feel thankful for. Life just always feels so blah and BORING. Even though I don't really experience emotional pain, somehow the nothingness and blah cause me to have pain that doesn't feel like emotional pain, but is still there almost all the time. When I actually feel emotional pain couple times a week, it feels good and crushing at the same time. It allows me to have tears which feels good but makes the pain go away and the blah is there again. That probably doesn't make much sense to most, but for me, it does.

Fuzzy12
07-21-14, 01:36 PM
Somehow I just can't feel thankful for all these things. In my mind I'm thankful for them, but its hard to find joy in things you don't actually feel thankful for. Life just always feels so blah and BORING. Even though I don't really experience emotional pain, somehow the nothingness and blah cause me to have pain that doesn't feel like emotional pain, but is still there almost all the time. When I actually feel emotional pain couple times a week, it feels good and crushing at the same time. It allows me to have tears which feels good but makes the pain go away and the blah is there again. That probably doesn't make much sense to most, but for me, it does.

It makes perfect sense to me. There's nothing I hate more than feeling empty..or blah. I too prefer acute, intense (and if possible) shortlived pain. It's something tangible and if nothing else, it's a little reminder that I'm still alive.

ferrarl
07-21-14, 02:04 PM
It makes perfect sense to me. There's nothing I hate more than feeling empty..or blah. I too prefer acute, intense (and if possible) shortlived pain. It's something tangible and if nothing else, it's a little reminder that I'm still alive.

I think we always know we are alive, but the tangibleness of pain and how its an actual feeling can really shine hope there is hope for other feelings in the future that just might be positive. And it shows being a human is more than logic and how amazing it is that we have the ability to feel things.

sabotender
08-01-14, 09:34 AM
Considering you've only felt this way for 5 years, it's not ok. And it's not a symptom of ADHD either. Quite the contrary, ADHD-ers tend to be over emotional over things. You could suffer from depression, it could be linked to ADHD medication or you could have some other disorder. But nobody can really tell what it is based on a post in a forum. I think you should talk to psychiatrist about this.

Im like that, over-emotional. Someone thought I was a 'drama queen' but it's either I'm super happy (I looked intoxicated) or super sad (try to kill myself or tempted to) or zero emotion. Theres no in between somehow. When im angry im violent; self-control is non-existent #_#

jman05
11-13-14, 09:56 PM
I can truly relate to your post. Its like you almost described me perfectly. I lack emotion and feel depressed but not really. I never seem to smile or show excitement. I'm not sure if I am even capable of love and sometimes I don't know how much emotion I would feel if someone close to be died. Its sad to even say that. I haven't lost interest in things I love, so that isn't depression. Many times I want to die or not exist, but like you said, I could never kill myself for the sake of my family. I'm honestly indifferent about living.

I think this lack of emotions relates to a part of our brain that is not functioning correctly as SCT/Inattentives. It kind of ties in with depression/emotions.

Pilgrim
11-21-14, 07:08 AM
Considering you've only felt this way for 5 years, it's not ok. And it's not a symptom of ADHD either. Quite the contrary, ADHD-ers tend to be over emotional over things. You could suffer from depression, it could be linked to ADHD medication or you could have some other disorder. But nobody can really tell what it is based on a post in a forum. I think you should talk to psychiatrist about this.

I thought this was ADD. I would add to this a real lack of motivation. It's obviously like depression. How could it be linked to medication?

daveddd
11-21-14, 11:48 AM
I thought this was ADD. I would add to this a real lack of motivation. It's obviously like depression. How could it be linked to medication?

it goes by a bunch of different names, alexthymia, dissociation,experiential avoidance, schizoid position,parasympathetic shut down emotional numbing (most frequently associated with ptsd)

the common theme in all of them is poor emotional regulation

the more recognized form of poor emotional regulation is "acting out of emotions", or obvious dramatic displays of emotion. this is the opposite

this seems to be an attempt at over control although you will generally find high physiological arousal of the emotion that should be felt, (rapid heart rate and so forth). It seems to occur in about 30-40% of people with adhd, unconscious suppression maybe ?


Regulation of sadness via acceptance or suppression in adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
Matthies S1, Philipsen A2, Lackner HK3, Sadohara C4, Svaldi J5.
Author information
Abstract
Emotion dysregulation is a recognized symptom of adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The aim of this study is to induce sadness in adults suffering from ADHD and to investigate the impact of emotion regulation strategies on sadness intensity, and psychophysiological measures. Thirty-six adults diagnosed with ADHD were randomly assigned to either expressive suppression (SUPP) or acceptance (ACC) of emotion. Sadness was induced using a film clip. Participants estimated the intensity of sadness and the perception of being overwhelmed with emotion before (T1), immediately after (T2) and 2min after the film (T3). Physiological measures were obtained. Sadness induction was effective in both conditions. The perception of being overwhelmed with emotion increased between T1 and T2 in both conditions, but persisted until T3 only in the expressive suppression condition whereas a decrease was observed in the acceptance condition. In ADHD expressive suppression of sadness seems to be associated to a prolonged recovery from the perception of being overwhelmed with emotion. Emotion-regulation via acceptance in contrast appears to allow faster recovery from the perception of being overwhelmed with emotion. To our knowledge, this is the first study to identify suppression as a critical mediator between an induced emotion and delayed recovery from emotional reactions in adult ADHD.



one theory is people with adhd fail to develop symbolic representations of emotions in order to regulate (language, objects pictures, faces)

so emotions are felt as uncomfortable body sensations, something to be avoided



i have this issue

I'm working on metallization techniques for improvement

daveddd
11-21-14, 12:12 PM
its been missed in adhd for quite awhile, but the research is starting to come together

not to over do it or anything i just think its a very important key


Atten Defic Hyperact Disord. 2013 Dec;5(4):361-7. doi: 10.1007/s12402-013-0115-9. Epub 2013 Jul 18.
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and alexithymia: a pilot study.
Donfrancesco R1, Di Trani M, Gregori P, Auguanno G, Melegari MG, Zaninotto S, Luby J.
Author information
Abstract
Although the relationship between alexithymia and psychopathology has been studied extensively in adults, research is lacking on alexithymia in childhood psychopathology. The aim of this study was to investigate the relationship between alexithymia and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The Italian version of the Alexithymia Questionnaire for Children was administered to a sample of 50 children with a DSM-IV diagnosis of ADHD, as assessed by means of the K-SADS PL, and to 100 healthy, age- and sex-matched children without ADHD. The total alexithymia score as well as the difficulty in identifying feelings (DIF) and externally oriented thinking factors were significantly associated with ADHD. The total alexithymia score, the DIF, and the difficulty in describing feelings factors were also significantly associated with symptoms of hyperactivity/impulsivity. No significant relationship between alexithymia and inattentiveness symptoms emerged. Results provide preliminary data on the relationship between alexithymia and ADHD. Findings point to an association between difficulty in identifying emotions and hyperactivity/impulsivity. Future studies conducted on larger patient samples, as well as longitudinal designs, are warranted to confirm our findings.
PMID: 23864438 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

daveddd
11-21-14, 09:47 PM
Anyone familiar with affective resetting in relation to this?

Pilgrim
11-22-14, 12:51 AM
Hey thanx for the information. I'm going to study up on this. I remember walking around for quite a hole like this. Very emotionally numb. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to be in a degree of pain. To forget about this. I think disassociation describes it well. I have always wondered if I was born this way or created like that. I guess that's the beauty of good medication cause it gets you out of he funk,

daveddd
11-22-14, 12:55 AM
Hey thanx for the information. I'm going to study up on this. I remember walking around for quite a hole like this. Very emotionally numb. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to be in a degree of pain. To forget about this. I think disassociation describes it well. I have always wondered if I was born this way or created like that. I guess that's the beauty of good medication cause it gets you out of he funk,

meds don't really help for a lot of people with reconnecting with emotions, cool it did for you

its more of a coping mechanism then something we are born with

Pilgrim
11-24-14, 03:33 AM
meds don't really help for a lot of people with reconnecting with emotions, cool it did for you

its more of a coping mechanism then something we are born with

The interesting thing about this is I can understand a certain amount of trauma for myself. Growing up in a fairly fearful environment. However I have this cousin who I swear is a lot like me before meds.

Why are we so similar?

Pilgrim
11-24-14, 03:35 AM
meds don't really help for a lot of people with reconnecting with emotions, cool it did for you

its more of a coping mechanism then something we are born with

I think medication gave me he confidence to face a lot of things. Things before frankly I would not have tried.