View Full Version : Boyfriend with ADHD dumped me

04-10-14, 10:02 PM
Today my boyfriend with ADHD just dumped me. I'm 21, he's 22 and unmediated. We've been together about 5 months, and at first it was great. He told me I was the only girl he ever really cared about and saw us ultimately settling down in the long run. In the past few weeks, we've been arguing a lot. When we argue he can be extremely emotionally distant and extremely critical of me but every time we managed to talk things out. About a week ago after talking out he told me he would never give up on me, and was very sweet with his texts for the next few days, then suddenly he was very cold and distant for the past two days and when I called him today he said he wanted to break things off. His reasons were "We met at a bad time, we have differentiating views on religion..." Very bizarre reasons. I was at school at the time and couldn't talk without getting upset. Later I texted him, acknowledging that it was over but asking if I could call him and he said "it would be too hard for him". According to him he had thought about it for a while. He said he wanted to stay friends but I don't think I can do that right now.

I'm devastated. I always tried to be very understanding of his ADHD but it felt like we were constantly running in circles. I've already unfriended him on facebook and deleted his number from my phone but I have the craziest urge to message him on facebook since you can message people you aren't friends with. I want him back in my life, but I also don't know how I managed to get so attached to someone so emotionally distant. I have never had a break up that hurt this bad or felt like it came up so suddenly (even with the arguing I was convinced we would work things out) and I just feel extremely lost.

04-11-14, 05:13 AM
I know some people with adhd can change their mind like the wind but I personally have never experienced someone with adhd going from loving and willing to work things out to cold. I have broken things off with a BF suddenly but never with coldness, which isnt to say that its not possible. However the religious thing or meeting at a bad time could be the easier way for him to justify breaking up, especially if his adhd mind cant quite put a finger on why he wants to break up in the first place. I think if you contact him you will be disappointed and get hurt. If his adhd mind is anything like mine was, when you do contact him he could somehow feel a change of heart-that could last 24 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks, but inevitably he will revert back to his original reason for breaking up and you will have more heart break. If he wants you back he will contact you, but if you contact him, depending on that moment of the day, he could entertain the idea, and want to get back together, and in 2 days be cold and distant. Your heart can only stand so much hurt right?
You deserve better than that.

04-11-14, 03:07 PM
Sometimes, doing that emotional distance thing comes from feeling overwhelmed and emotionally unsafe. ADHDers are not just hyper... we're also hypersensitive. In situations where things get emotional, he will get overloaded easily and might need to retreat or sort of run away.

The next part may be off-topic, but maybe not... Most (all?) people with ADHD tend toward extremes of emotion; sometimes we have stronger emotions than everyone else has, sometimes our emotions are weaker than the average person's, but that changeable emotional intensity can be hard to predict. We don't have the "wrong" emotions - it's not about feeling hate when we should feel love, not about being happy when we should be sad, but instead that something keeps messing with the "volume control button" of our emotions. An example: My father was a good, kind man who I loved very much. When he died, I was sad - only a little bit sad, like 5 percent as sad as I expected. It was surprising and a bit disturbing at the time - I didn't yet know that I had ADHD. I thought there must be something wrong with my attitude, like I wasn't a good person or something. I was relieved to find out what had really been going on.

04-13-14, 10:51 PM
I'm sorry...breaking up with someone you care about is hard, and a loss. Especially when they tell you things with extreme emotions like that. I have found that my husband seems to have hot and cold moments like you mention and it can be difficult to know how to deal with it when it happens. You may be finding it difficult with this break-up as you mentioned it had difference than others you had been through.

While nobody can make the decision for you, it is probably best to work your way through the loss, and go with your initial instinct that you won't be able to remain friends and know that you can find somebody else in time and have a new fulfilling, less up and down relationship with. Good luck.