View Full Version : Child Perception

04-13-14, 10:42 AM
Me again:)...I have 2 questions...and asking how parents deal with this type of thing and if this is common in your household.

I notice with our child (10 yo), often the beginning of the school year up until Xmas Break, all things go pretty smooth. I don't have problems overall..just here and there. Sees like about 3-4 weeks after the New YEar, I seem to have them creeping up from time to time or maybe just more noticeable, or increasing. And it continues like that till the end of the school year. I noticed this last year and I am noticing this in this school year. I notice also the kids not being as 'nice' as earlier towards her. FWIW....My child is out of about 60 kids on the grade, is probably one of the 8 youngest...(and she is a young mentally to start with)...I don't know whether her behaviors escalate (not always on purpose or even realize she is doing it and bothering another).

Second...and I guess it's indirectly related to the first...She was at a party. I didn't stay near them bc all parents left so I went to another area to give her space. What I did notice in my short interaction is that although she has 2 'friends' (there is a 3rd she wasn';t there..and 2 others that are tolerant of her and never mean..they weren't there) that were there who are 'nice-ish' to her...she is always kind of the odd man out. That happens w girls. Fine. I am thankful for the few that she feels OK with. If some of those weren't there I would not even want to send her because she would be totally left out. What I do notice, is that generally she is really just simply ignored. I am not sure why exactly..but feel I almost like it is understood by all that she is just 'different' so it is ok to just not bother with her. She does well in school (she works really hard) but at first she may come off not as bright b/c she is not a quick thinker always if that makes sense. It takes her a sec to catch on and Following directions is her MAIN issue and she needs repetition. I don't know if she just doesn't listen well,(sometimes her processing is slower/misinterpets something); she does say occasional off the wall stuff due to this misinterpretation; or she interrupts too frequently, bothers people (not often..and not always intentional but often pereceived that way); or too hyper for a girl; and just simply different.

She is always the last to say arrive back to the area with cake...and maybe no seats are left. It is not like she has friends saying "here sit over here"...It is like who cares--ignore. I have also seen faces of 'Oh great she has to sit next to us" type of looks. :(

I think if some kids or parents truly even knew what she has been through with her other issue (seizures) and the type of med she is on and its effects; and even her challenges now......I really wonder if they would take the time to sit and explain to their kids that not all are the same. I do think the once that are nice..I am sure parent involvement is there...or at least talks about being a bit more patient....I've even had a parent that I am friends with tell me that her child, who is sweet (that child was not at the party either) told her that XYW was not being nice to her (indirect making fun or lowering the status my child)...and he was upset not with her but wishes she would tell the teacher right away..not later...(if at all...she doesnt tell often).....I should add he has Aspergers and extra senstive so he picks up on that thing....

There are times where she is just fantastic and I wonder why I even read things or visit boards about ADHD. I also know it is not going to happen of us changing other's thoughts, impressions, and way they treat our kids. If mine is making a mistake (ie behavior) I have to try to fix or improve that on OUR end. It just stinks. So back to....

How do you deal with the unwritten stigma that you feel your child has as just being percevied as 'weird ' (God I hate to say that ) or different from the other kids?? You can't make them be nice...:( we're not medicated yet here...and yes she has been in social skills classes before..she waxes and wanes...

Anybody with suggestions?

04-13-14, 11:36 AM
I've had at least one part of this discussion before...

Some people with ADHD feel distinct discomfort with "normal" members of the same sex. Some of us have speculated that it might be because our "different-ness" is most obvious when we're with the people who we're supposedly expected to be the same as. (For myself, I noticed it much more in late teens and adulthood than I did earlier. With younger kids it didn't matter much to me.) Since starting university, my real friends have been predominantly female. I feel... not exactly threatened around other men, but unsure how to be and how to act, like I don't know the secret of being normal. Is it simple immaturity? Could be.

You know... we are weird. I've been weird all my life; I was distinctly weird even in kindergarten, and as far as I know all I'm working with is a standard case of inattentive-type ADHD. Encouraging your child to be herself (while teaching her social skills of course), and accepting and celebrating her for who she is rather than for meeting some standards, might be the greatest gift you could ever give her. Social skills are a tool for her to use to her own benefit, not a training program to make her comfortable for those around her.

04-13-14, 12:35 PM
Speaking as a parent to a quirky child(better than using the word weird for me) Sometimes kids make no sense at all. Their ability to exclude seems like a virus, once one does it 4 or 5 will follow. It doesnt even have to coincide with any behavior your child exhibits, it just happens.
In the beginning of the school year most kids have that "fall" syndrome. New class, new teacher, shiney new school supplies and lots of hope. Then the work starts and along with waking up early and grumpy, they have no tolerance for those who seem different. Usually there is a leader or leaders and while these kids dont make an announcement that they are the leaders, there is some sort of unspoken hirearchy and other kids pick up on this and stick with them. Some kids are just plain mean. The followers find it easier to ignore or dismiss then welcome and include. You will never understand how these kids operate. I know the pain of watching your child go through these things. Its just something she will have to learn to deal with because you cant change other kids.

As an aside, is there a reason you havent tried medication?

04-13-14, 10:37 PM
Sarah...great explanation..:)..You got it. Yes..I hated the word weird bc I don't see that..But that is the word I would bet others use toward our kids. Quirky defintely better for lack of a better word:) You're right it is that unspoken hierarchy.

And are also right..I do celebrate her. I just wish others would see her for the great kid she is. Just so impatient...I cannot stand this 'in the box' culture we have here. I know it could be alot worse.

I just don't want her to ever become lonely. When I grew up I lived in the city..Neighborhood kids abound. Though I live close t the city now, it's different. There are not tons of kids playing outside(I wish there were). Our immediate families are all over the place geographically/other continents making it harder for cousin connections...And she's an only child..Just worked out that way...I believe once she finds that one friend, she does not want or need 20...I pray sometime that comes.

Sarah...regarding non was only because at first it was hard to see if it were really ADHD. She had a condition related to her epilepsy that was very rare and can mimic the seizure meds and epilepsy cause things things like inattentive, hyper, and every other side effect..a... Being that she is on seiuzre meds, and doing really well, trust me I hardly want to rock that boat. It's been 2 years since any event...The ADHD meds can sometimes lower that threshold. The reason I sometimes consider meds now is the social piece. I guess I am starting to see this year the difference between her and other kids a bit more most likely bc of the ADHD type behaviors/inattentive/social as well as her being on the younger side of her grade level in terms of maturity. I read an interesting piece this weekend. It basically said..if one has ADHD....and they are conventionally schooled...Meds do well. If homeschooled, meds not needed. In many ways I can see this to be true because I think in school in general over stimulates her....So in summary, I would consider meds if I feel that she is really struggling socially. The other characteristics are liveable overall.

I don't love meds overall but realize they are at times necessary in all facets of life. We already do good diet, sleep, etc...If I had a crystal ball and it told me her life socially will improve by 50%..I would probably do it.

04-14-14, 01:03 AM
You don't need any crystal ball. Just try the medication. It's simple. If it doesn't work, then don't use it.

04-14-14, 06:21 AM
Vandeluca, it must be a very difficult decision to have to make re the meds. I'm sure that having her seizure-free for the past 2 years has been a tremendous relief.

Have you explored any of the non-stimulant medications? They may not interfere with the anti-seizure meds...might be worth pursuing. Does a neurologist manage her seizure condition?
Do you have her enrolled in any extracurricular activities away from school, where she might have the opportunity to socialize?

04-14-14, 10:36 AM
Like alphabet-soup wrote, I felt different as early as kindergarden.

I felt singled out by the teacher, although that may have been over-sensitive of me.

But I don't agree with him about being able to try meds and stop them so easily

when there are other health issues going on.

My 12 year old granddaughter is autistic, and was doing well on meds for anxiety and mood swings.

But she developed type 2 diabetes, and balancing her meds is certainly trickier now.

04-14-14, 10:50 AM
You don't need any crystal ball. Just try the medication. It's simple. If it doesn't work, then don't use it.

I was being facetious about the crystal ball. Not to be rude but if it was 'that simple' don't you think I would have gone that route already? Anytime you mess with something in the brain, including chemically, you can open up all different cans of works. I have a feeling if you knew more about the condition or our exact situation to reach this point, that would not be your answer.

However, this is why I am starting to look into things and why I am here. It could all go positive...but I like to be sure before I make decisions especially if it affects her and the whole family.

04-14-14, 11:10 AM
LynneC It is difficult to decide because it is new to me even though she has had ADHD DX for 3 years. Even her nuero was unsure because it is not always obvious:) It not not difficult before because maybe at a younger age those quirks are less noticed. Now maybe not so much, so maybe I have to make a change:)..

The only other 'thing' in the back of my mind. I saw how seizure meds affected her. She is simply sensitive. I am at a good place. Maybe they even take her off of them shortly However, that makes me think even ADHD meds may have effects. But that's life..

I have just began exploring non-stimulants. That is where I am now. And yes....she actually sees an epileptologist..even better:)...So yes it is a slippery slope...When I said crystal ball I was just meaning I wish I could see if her body would be senstive to it or not:)

YEs..we are very grateful because she is doing so well..mostly..Just this piece seems tough....

Vandeluca, it must be a very difficult decision to have to make re the meds. I'm sure that having her seizure-free for the past 2 years has been a tremendous relief.

Have you explored any of the non-stimulant medications? They may not interfere with the anti-seizure meds...might be worth pursuing. Does a neurologist manage her seizure condition?
Do you have her enrolled in any extracurricular activities away from school, where she might have the opportunity to socialize?

04-14-14, 12:53 PM
Meds made a huge improvement socially for my DD. Not that she went up in the social hierarchy, nor did she make a lot of new friends. It's that she was able to notice all the social stuff as it was happening and develop an understanding of it. If she was a competitive type who cared about her social status, i'm sure the meds would have helped her achieve that, but thankfully she's a "friendly floater", which is what I encourage her to be.

The self esteem from "getting" the social stuff and being able to decide where she wants to fit is huge, and she really does not like the unfocused feeling she has when she is off-meds.

However, she is also very sensitive and developed tics from the stimulant meds, weird side effects when we combined the stimulants with something to help with the tics (ex-Abilify) and Straterra was not good for her at all. Everything we tried has been at an ultra low dose.

We have been using Intuniv for a while now and it seems to be ok for her.

So I hear you on the sensitivity to meds and I think being cautious in this situation only makes sense.