View Full Version : All that's keeping me alive...


LordranBound
04-18-14, 07:04 AM
...is the thought of my daughter and how upset she'd be if I were gone. Two toddlers (one with a bad cold who barely sleeps as it is), a frustrating job with an hour and a half commute, a deteriorating relationship with my wife, waning motivation to work towards anything I think is meaningful, suddenly uninteresting hobbies, a lifetime of failed search for higher meaning, a lifetime of anxiety struggle, a family that considers me an apostate all add up to some serious discontent. The only way I get past things that are bothering me is to say "F' it - doesn't matter anyway". That gets me through the moment but all those moments are dragging me down. Does anything matter?

Thanks for letting me vent addforums -

mrs. dobbs
04-18-14, 07:47 AM
I see you, I hear you.

That is alot of stuff. And familiar stuff.

Say, you could start working from the cafe around the corner, telecommute from a beach... or... if your family let up and recognized the genuineness of your faith, if they thought well of you. Or even if your kid's nasty cold let up.... would you be able to drop the 'does it even matter'?

I ask this because I feel like I don't want to go on with life when I have too many things to cope with. I want to end it all to get out of feeling overwhelmed. And in talking about it, I hope that something out there will give me permission to let go. But when one or two things let up, I get energy again.

Karamo
04-18-14, 07:53 AM
Is there anything that gives you the slightest glimpse of happiness? A smile? I can't imagine how it is having kids but they sure must give you some moments where the depression subsides for a while?

LordranBound
04-18-14, 08:01 AM
I see you, I hear you.
Say, you could start working from the cafe around the corner, telecommute from a beach... or... if your family let up and recognized the genuineness of your faith, if they thought well of you. Or even if your kid's nasty cold let up.... would you be able to drop the 'does it even matter'?


Hmm - well, if I could have a few weeks by myself, maybe working from home. That might give me a chance to catch my breath and restart my engines. I love my kids but they suck so much out of me. I play with them all the time and it's so mind numbingly boring sometimes. I hate how I was raised so I very rarely say no to them and not play - but I wish I could more often. I wish my daughter didn't ask me to all the time because I can't say no to her despite how much I need to. And then there's my wife who wants a break (understandably) after taking care of them all day. I also let my daughter know when I'm depressed because I want her to be able to acknowledge her feelings, but I do also hide a lot from her because who wants to burden a freaking 3 year old with esoteric depression?

I look back on how I got here and I don't see any missteps. I mean I was lonely before I met my wife and was much happier when I got married. But ever since the kids came, despite how much I love them, I've been miserable. But I also realize that going through life with no kids would lead to me being depressed later in life. I was built to be unhappy it often seems. I laugh when people talking about loving the earth and nature. I'm an atheist and so instead of blaming god I blame evolution for creating me in such a f'ed up contradictory way.

LordranBound
04-18-14, 08:03 AM
Is there anything that gives you the slightest glimpse of happiness? A smile? I can't imagine how it is having kids but they sure must give you some moments where the depression subsides for a while?

Oh there are tons of those moments. And that's why I'm not offing myself. But they don't give me energy or motivation for whatever reason. Makes me feel like I'm a terrible person, but that's the truth.

mrs. dobbs
04-18-14, 08:04 AM
wow you sound like me

LordranBound
04-18-14, 12:21 PM
wow you sound like me

I'm sorry!

mrs. dobbs
04-18-14, 01:50 PM
Do you have any family or friends who can give you and your wife a break? Can you set up babysitters for every night of the week?