View Full Version : Who has trouble making and keeping friends?


Greengrasshoppe
04-20-14, 07:47 PM
I do. I'm not sure why. I think I'm pretty nice although I can be a little moody. I've read that trouble with friendships is common among ADDers. But I'm not sure what aspect of my ADD is the problem. Even when I make friends it seems to fizzle out after a while and then they seem not to want to be friends anymore.

I have one good friend. I asked her opinion on the matter, but she didn't know what the problem could be either.

Rebelyell
04-20-14, 08:24 PM
As a male Im in the same boat as you. Ive gone counseling for years and still cant get an honest answer so IDK either .

willow129
04-20-14, 09:12 PM
Do you think it's from having and then losing hyperfocus for people?

Greengrasshoppe
04-20-14, 09:41 PM
^^^For me, no. I don't think I get hyper focused on friends. Moreso in romantic r'ships. Good question though.

Nicksgonefishin
04-20-14, 09:47 PM
We can choose to be friends with people. If they choose to be or not to be our friends that is their choice! It is not a reflection on us.

That being said since beggining treatment I have 10 times as many friends as I did before. I even realized all the friends I already had!

Keep it weird!

Greengrasshoppe
04-20-14, 10:42 PM
Really Nick? That's great! What does your treatment include, meds and therapy? Why do you have more friends now? Can you identify a reason?

tryn-optmsm
04-21-14, 12:54 AM
DISCLAIMER (tangent) not complaining -- 50% posts aren't really women.........
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I can say that I had more successful friendships when I became less judgmental

Twiggy
04-21-14, 02:32 AM
I don't have friends, but wish i did... The ones that I used to have, I get so into them then I say something stupid when i feel hyper out of no where and that drives them away for good :(

Fuzzy12
04-21-14, 02:42 AM
I don't have trouble making friends but d i have huge problems keeping friends. well my problem is that most people I don't want to be friends with and when I do like someone I start acting crazy and scare them off. I'm absolutely unbefriendable.

Hoppe what exactly happens?

stef
04-21-14, 03:06 AM
I think I have more trouble making new friends, than keeping them. I.m afraid to make plans with people.
at the same time i'm so busy with work i need tons of down time.

mrs. dobbs
04-21-14, 03:24 AM
I am afraid of having too many friends. So I hide and avoid. Insecurity, lack of assertiveness, limited time and energy. In group settings I am often unpopular but I have no problem attracting 1 on 1 friendships. I am pretty sure I do things to keep people at arm's length and I have a hard time with tender expressions. I am so grateful for the close friendships that I have, I really like my friends. I would like to do better in groups and medium distance relationships.

mrs. dobbs
04-21-14, 03:49 AM
Twiggy... me and my friends say alot of stupid things... and we haven't run away from one another yet. Well I kind of did. To another country.

What happens with me is that with new people or groups, I say something 'stupid' when I get hyper.... then *I* hide out of embarrassment, being avoidant and excluding myself.

I got this sense that people can be rejecting for the smallest of reasons and drop others just for being a little 'off' in their minds... so I run away first.

Greengrasshoppe
04-21-14, 08:13 PM
DISCLAIMER (tangent) not complaining -- 50% posts aren't really women.........
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I can say that I had more successful friendships when I became less judgmentalWhat do you mean? Judgmental about what?

I don't have trouble making friends but d i have huge problems keeping friends. well my problem is that most people I don't want to be friends with and when I do like someone I start acting crazy and scare them off. I'm absolutely unbefriendable.

Hoppe what exactly happens?I just feel like people don't really like me. Most of the people who seem to take to me are men, so I assume they usually have an ulterior motive. Sometimes I try to reach out and be friendly with another woman, but they generally don't take to me. I've asked people if they wanted to hang out and sometimes they just say no. When I finally do get a friend who seems to like me, I find a way to flub it up or I for some reason don't like them.

I contrast myself against my manager whom everyone loves. She's leaving and they're having a farewell gathering for her. It made me wonder if I left my job whether anyone would bother attending a farewell forme.

I am afraid of having too many friends. So I hide and avoid. Insecurity, lack of assertiveness, limited time and energy. In group settings I am often unpopular but I have no problem attracting 1 on 1 friendships. I am pretty sure I do things to keep people at arm's length and I have a hard time with tender expressions. I am so grateful for the close friendships that I have, I really like my friends. I would like to do better in groups and medium distance relationships.What do you mean you're unpopular in groups?

tryn-optmsm
04-21-14, 08:39 PM
What do you mean? Judgmental about what?

Green -- if I acted like a complete Snob -- & weren't accepting of any flaws, Yours OR mine -- would you want me as a friend?
My guess is no....

Most of the people who seem to take to me are men,
Throughout my entire life, I Always had more guy friends than women friends. . . it's natural (I'm a PRUDE by the way) .
I don't know a thing about makeup, or anything else that's girly girl.... I do NOT have the patience for girly-girl stuff.... barely know what they consist of apart from makeup.
All my "jobs" were in male dominated environments
(that said, I HATE it when guys see my in a dress and start treating me like a girl/woman --- their entire everything completely changes --- DUDES - it's still me ....)

That all changed in grad-school where I met other strong women like myself.


--- not to rain on anyone's parade -- people 80% of the time love my hyper , when I do something stupid --- all my friends ALWAYS pointed it out. It's Really easy for me to make friends -- 'cause I am REALLY talkative, yet very sensistive to other's feelings and for some reason I could never understand --- people LOVE opening up to me (however uncomfortable that makes me feel) --------------

That said -- I'm in an X year hiatus from life ---> distanced myself from ALL my friends -- who REALLY aren't too happy with me --- though again, everytime I go into the world I make new ones . . . . I'm chatty and hyper -- so people may think I'm interesting and fun (+ I'm rather petite -- non-threatening, unfortunately looks still mean something in every country & society) :eyebrow:

*** I never feel comfortable in groups that require adhering to conformity -- I run REALLY fast from those; I'm down to earth (LOVE hiking, e-sports) and gravitate towards similar people

did i mention somewhere that I tend to have long posts and NO patience to edit

disclaimer:I'm combined ADHD (Hyper + InAtent'===> impulsive too) so it's like a Seinfeld episode -- you like gum, I like gum --> let's be BFF's

Un_Contained
04-21-14, 10:54 PM
I have always had trouble making and keeping friends. It was easier when I was able to get my medication, but now with the trouble at the pharmacies I'm running into, I am beginning to have a hard time handling things again. You aren't alone.

mrs. dobbs
04-22-14, 12:30 AM
What do you mean you're unpopular in groups?

For one:

What happens with me is that with new people or groups, I say something 'stupid' when I get hyper.... then *I* hide out of embarrassment, being avoidant and excluding myself.

Maybe it is the above... maybe nothing is wrong and that I mistake fitting in (not necessarily fawned over) with being invisible or unliked. Other times I have been actively excluded because I didn't and couldn't conform. I am quite self-directed and so tend to not follow along. Many times I had my own agenda and didn't want to slow down and follow the group agenda. Other times, I had to have things my way and felt super uncomfortable. Many times I have been really insecure and intolerant of others and impulsive in my expression of that. Or in other cases wanted too much attention and didn't properly share or take turns. Or I didn't take kindly to feeling 'ranked' (poor self-esteem, lack of humility.) Or I came in and wanted to be instantly accepted and didn't have patience for the process. All of those things have happened with me and groups. Then there is the thing where I am not for everyone.

Maybe all that stuff up there will change once I am medicated. I seem to do fine one on one-- someone from a group will typically want to me by friend apart from the group and we develop a close friendship. I have a hard time going after the people I like, but I try. I sometimes get a 'no' .... I have tried really hard with some woman friends I admired very much but they just were not interested.

I am often surprised when a group does a thing for me, like a party. It almost never happens. I guess I feel sad and jealous sometimes that others get group celebrations, but my rationale is that they probably put in the work with the group that I was too impatient and individualistic to do.

Grasshoppe: When others seek you out for friendship are you interested in them? What happens when you end up not liking somebody? And the kind of people you seek out friendship with-- are they someone you like or respect in some way? Do you have mutual interests?

Stevuke79
04-23-14, 05:17 PM
When I was young I never had friends. Every once in a blue moon I would hit it off with someone and it never lasted. I would be really weird or clingy.. I think back and I actually still feel like I humiliated myself. I was sometimes just a total aasss or really and truly awful and obnoxious. And as anyone who's been there knows, that's obviously the last thing I would want to be when I think I have a shot at a friend,.. But sometimes we just don't know how to be any better.

Mostly I was clingy or overwhelming, so I went into a phase that when I hit it off with someone I would almost completely avoid them .. Sounds crazy but I definitely kept them for a lot longer that way. Some of it just got better with age. I didn't have many friends in college but I was around more people who who were a little more like me. Getting treated REALLY helped. Even if I were to go off meds the perspective would still continue to help immensely. When medicated I notice what's going on around me and I notice if someone is looking at me and understand that other people notice thia too. So if I'm wondering if I should talk to someone or if I should give them space before approaching them again, I shouldn't make this decision while standing nervously in the middle of the room, fidgeting, laughing and muttering to myself WHILE STARING AT THEM, while trying to decide. (I know that sounds really creepy :( that's me ). But before getting medicated it would never occur to me that people would notice me looking at them if I wasn't actually speaking to them.

But mostly I made friends when I was older. I had decided I didn't need people and I would never need them.. And I definitely would never have them and even if we hit it off I would never let myself get too excited,..I didn't cling, I didn't stare, I didn't overwhelm them and I didn't even avoid them. I just gave up. I was passive. And one day, i was 29 or 30...someone said something to me where he referred to me as his best friend and it blew me away and shook me. At first I hated the feeling and didn't even know if I should let that happen.

Anyway, if you were to ask me now I would tell you I have lots of friends. Not sure if thats actually true - friends are still not an area of great expertise for me. I'm not suggesting a method for anyone to remedy this problem. I'm just saying that for any given skill, some people figure it out at 3. Others figure it out at 13,.. and others at 30. I know it can be hard, painful and lonely, but also realize we have our whole lives to figure this out and once you figure it out it just doesn't matter anymore.

tryn-optmsm
04-23-14, 05:34 PM
St' --- had to say, that was beautiful ... and that I'm proud to call St' my friend :p

Stevuke79
04-23-14, 05:51 PM
Awww, thanks tryn (((((((((Tryn))))))))))) I'm proud to be your friend too :grouphug:

GirlieSoGroovy
04-24-14, 02:58 PM
I can relate. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD combined type as well as an other specified anxiety disorder (limited symptom attacks). Some of the co-morbid anxiety symptoms might be to blame for some of my issues with friendships.

Here are the things that I have identified as potential issues in my own life that may or may not be relevant to your situation:

Forgetfulness/cancelling plans because I've lost interest or feel apprehensive is perceived as flakiness.

Even if hyperfocus on friendships isn't an issue, hyperfocus on things can affect friendships. Hyperfocus on certain things, in which I lose interest quickly, annoys people because I won't shut up about something weird for a while, like every detail of the history of the Titanic and the Lusitania or Chicago skyscraper architecture, or I'll only want to watch Law and Order SVU episodes and nothing else until they're sick of it, and then I move on to something new to be obsessed with. Or I'll work on organizing a certain part of my room or comparing prices on eBay for a long time and ignore all my phone calls and texts. Shifting focus and jumping from topic to topic wears people out.

Over-talkativeness and impatience/tendency to interrupt in conversation is perceived as attention-seeking or just plain rude. Also, spacing out during conversation makes them think I don't care what they're talking about.

My over-sensitivity to criticism makes me avoidant of situations where I can set myself up for criticism (for example, having people over to my house where they might comment on my messy car or room, or make fun of me for losing things)

If someone hurts my feelings, even unintentionally, I will impulsively respond with as barbed and nasty a comment as I can think of. I always feel bad within minutes and usually apologize if it is warranted. But this has ruined friendships a couple of times.

These are just my own interpretations of how my ADHD and to some extent anxiety symptoms affect my friendships. What helps me is trying to be conscientious and make a real effort to be as good a friend as I can be. People don't like being in relationships that are take-take. I try as hard as possible to catch myself and let other people talk, not talk too much about one thing, and look like they have my full attention when they are speaking. I also try not to assume that others don't like me right off the bat. Other people probably get over little annoyances they have with me in far less time than I let go of my shame after committing some faux-pas.

Jenn1202
04-25-14, 06:24 PM
Commitment is a huge problem for me. I often fail to respond to emails/texts because I put it off or forget to do it. Sometimes I take so long to do it that people get offended :(. Also, committing to plans or keeping and following a schedule is difficult for me.

Rebelyell
04-25-14, 08:20 PM
I'm ready to make friends w a bottle.

Stevuke79
04-25-14, 08:28 PM
:grouphug:

Greengrasshoppe
04-26-14, 09:34 AM
I have to respond a little later to a few questions ppl asked above. But I just wanted to report a small victory. As mentioned my mgr is leaving, and last night we had a farewell for her at a bar. I was really nervous that I'd feel excluded, wouldn't have anyone to talk or be able to think of anything to talk about. In situations like that I sometimes make sure to have a few topics or current events on hand to discuss. But I didn't this time. But I had fun anyway last night! We didn't really run out of things to discuss. I didn't feel left out. People seemed to want to talk to me. Although I kinda ran out of juice toward the end, so I retreated a bit and played Words With Friends lol. But I actually felt LIKED. And I think I have a budding friendship with a coworker. I'm stoked!!

Stevuke79
04-26-14, 09:52 AM
That's amazing! I am seriously so happy for you. Remember times like this. We tend to forget the good and only remember the bad.

acdc01
04-26-14, 10:21 AM
Could you just be different/not conform OP? If your personality was harsh, I would think the friendships would end faster instead of fizzling out.

I'm polite, nonabrasive, rarely have a temper.

But I just don't fit in. My sister pointed out not to mention words related to beer, slang, or sports when being my partner in the game taboo. Who doesn't like/follow at least 1 of those 3 things except me?

I think differently and come to different conclusions than other people do all the time. I am quiet and hide a lot of myself too.

Greengrasshoppe
04-27-14, 11:43 PM
Grasshoppe: When others seek you out for friendship are you interested in them? What happens when you end up not liking somebody? And the kind of people you seek out friendship with-- are they someone you like or respect in some way? Do you have mutual interests?Ill have to think on this...

Could you just be different/not conform OP? If your personality was harsh, I would think the friendships would end faster instead of fizzling out.Yeah that could be part of it. I just don't like a lot of the things other people like. I'm odd I guess.

Rebelyell
04-28-14, 12:04 AM
Ive given up hope of making true friends at this point in life...

Hypoactive
04-28-14, 06:15 PM
I don't have trouble making friends but i have huge problems keeping friends. well my problem is that most people I don't want to be friends with and when I do like someone I start acting crazy and scare them off..

same here, but after a short while, it's *they* who start acting crazy and **** me off, with one or more of the following:

wanting me to go somewhere with them too often (malls, restaurants, bars, parties, etc) and being nasty/making me feel guilty if i won't, drinking too much and acting embarrassing in public, repeatedly throwing out their loser husband/boyfriend and crying on my shoulder for hours saying "that was the last straw" -- only to get back with them within 48 hours like nothing happened, asking to borrow things and not returning them unless i mention it, calling too late, showing up uninvited, wanting favors you'd even hesitate to ask a family member for, etc...

and, perhaps surprisingly, they are always intelligent, suburban, middle-aged women with good jobs. :eyebrow:

use somebody else and sell them your drama...i have enough of my own problems.

(and yes, i'm female)

tryn-optmsm
04-28-14, 06:58 PM
Hypo: apart from the suburban (+ good job -- one day will be again): NOT all of us are like that ! Except for the barriers thing (calling, showing up.....) -- may have that + the BF thing + embarassing ppl in public
Well........ I don't drink too much :giggle:

OMG -- Hypo' --- I'm a cliche' (or at least when I had the good job thing) , never thought I'd say that about me....
OMG #2--Hypo'-- we would Totally be friends IRL :p

kwalk
04-29-14, 02:09 AM
I'm better than I used to be. I don't know if meds changed it. I just have memory trouble, so I write everything down. Sometimes I have a lot to say, sometimes I don't. If I don't find some one fun and interesting enough, won't likely last. I guess I'm good with the people I mesh with.

Greengrasshoppe
04-29-14, 09:28 PM
Grasshoppe: When others seek you out for friendship are you interested in them? What happens when you end up not liking somebody? And the kind of people you seek out friendship with-- are they someone you like or respect in some way? Do you have mutual interests?

When others seek you out for friendship are you interested in them?
Hard to say, it doesn't happen too often. I have one good friend who's always interested in hanging out, to the point that it's odd to me. She's great though.

What happens when you end up not liking somebody?
I'm not sure what you mean...

And the kind of people you seek out friendship with-- are they someone you like or respect in some way? Do you have mutual interests?Yes I guess I either like them or see potential to do so. But I'm not really sure about the answer to the second question.

Rebelyell
04-30-14, 12:32 AM
I wish I had a friend or aquintance take a chance on me and ask me to hang out and do something cool and fun

mrs. dobbs
05-01-14, 03:30 AM
What happens when you end up not liking somebody?
I'm not sure what you mean...

Say that someone wants to be friends with you, seeks you out. You give it a go. Then you realize that you find it tedious or otherwise unpleasant. What happens next?

And as for mutual interests, do you ever find people who are interested in the same things as you? So that you don't have to worry so much on personal chemistry, being socially smooth or whatever. You can enjoy focusing on an external subject together. Doing something together.

mrs. dobbs
05-01-14, 03:42 AM
Some of these responses have reminded of some more things that cause trouble with me and friend making:

- I don't have 'normal' reactions to things so that really throws people off
- I don't know what to say
- My efforts to say the right thing, flop
- I laugh at inappropriate things
- I don't fully comprehend what is being said
- Or laugh at intended jokes (I mean, I smile and say 'hah yeah' because I care about the person, but find constant joking extremely tedious... I love natural belly laughs.)
- I don't have the social tools for graceful exits
- I don't have the recall for tactful responses
- My reaction is all over my face
- I am easily bored... not just spacing out on convo, but actively trying to escape the situation.
- The impulsive speech, interrupting, overenthusiasm, etc.
- My quirks make me feel super weird
- The whole thing is too much effort

MX2012
05-01-14, 08:50 AM
Sad to say, I can make friends, just can't keep them.

In fact, I am struggling at this time with the potential loss of two long time friends. I had to move to Mexico due to the US economy and it seems that "out of sight, out of mind" is the attitude my family and friends have taken.

Now, it's me who writes emails, who makes the phone calls. This is the point at which I throw in the towel because i do not know how to survive this type of change. The attitude I get from them is it's not convenient to be my friend since I do not live close by anymore.

In fact, I was just thinking that I have been on ADDF longer than any other online activity. Sad to say, too, that I have said more here than I would ever have said to my friends because most of my family and friends want everything to be nice. In fact, after my last medical issue, bad back, my family and friends assume (want) I will just recover and be my merry self. They can not deal with the fact that I have trouble walking now.

I feel like humans are like ants, once a nest mate does not return to the nest, they are "gone and forgotten."

I had thought when I got older that I would have a more sympathetic understanding of humans instead I have a more cynical and unsympathetic attitude towards what it means to be human. Humans have turned out to be very disappointing.

Goofycook
05-01-14, 01:10 PM
Some of these responses have reminded of some more things that cause trouble with me and friend making:

- I don't have 'normal' reactions to things so that really throws people off
- I don't know what to say
- My efforts to say the right thing, flop
- I laugh at inappropriate things
- I don't fully comprehend what is being said
- Or laugh at intended jokes (I mean, I smile and say 'hah yeah' because I care about the person, but find constant joking extremely tedious... I love natural belly laughs.)
- I don't have the social tools for graceful exits
- I don't have the recall for tactful responses
- My reaction is all over my face
- I am easily bored... not just spacing out on convo, but actively trying to escape the situation.
- The impulsive speech, interrupting, overenthusiasm, etc.
- My quirks make me feel super weird
- The whole thing is too much effort
The above is pretty much why I'm not quick to make friends. For a couple years I went out of my way to be witty and fun at group camping events. Poeple sent me Chrstmas cards and letters. I even promised one girl I would go to her house and ride one of her horses which I never did. moral of the story I took on more than I could handle by being someone I'm not. End of the story I dissapointed a lot of poeple.

Even here I feel stupid posting because I afraid someone will make fun of me so mostly I just read, The wounds from being bullied in school still break open and bleed once in a while. That may also be part of the reason I'm not too social.

tryn-optmsm
05-01-14, 02:36 PM
WOW -- GoofyCOOK --- may I just be harsh for one moment? (you'll have 30 min' to ask I edit... I think...)

Even here I feel stupid posting because I afraid someone will make fun of me so mostly I just read,

Since I can emphasize with a LOT of what you wrote - does that make me stupid??
That's kind of offensive !
Do you make fun of my posts which you emphasize with?

Also, isn't that a bit selfish - that I share stuff (do it for both my benefit AND yours) and you don't? you'd deny us interesting thoughts and perspectives?

It's NOT highschool where people may have been afraid of being different. It's a forum DEDICATED to ADHD'ers -- Why do you want to throw us back into comformity, rigid behavioral standards

(ok, except for the "going out of my way" part... would never work for me; being me - people initially really like IRL)

---- rant done ----
by the way -- I feel silly chasing mrsD + continuously telling her how much I feel the same (except for no toot in my life yet)

drvenom
05-01-14, 02:53 PM
I have been given the good grace to be a people person. For some reason I just tend to get along with people and people tend to like me for the most part. Well, most of my professors disliked me but that's about the only group of people that do not like me.

Axmann
05-02-14, 01:13 AM
No friends.

Don't worry, though. It really is not you. It sure as hell wasn't me, because there's a lot of people in my nursing school I want to be friends with but want nothing to do with me or talk to me and then decide unilaterally that I'm unbearable. Idk.

mrs. dobbs
05-02-14, 05:45 AM
For a couple years I went out of my way to be witty and fun at group camping events. Poeple sent me Chrstmas cards and letters. I even promised one girl I would go to her house and ride one of her horses which I never did. moral of the story I took on more than I could handle by being someone I'm not.

:thankyou:

YES. Exactly. Exactlyyyyyyyy.



It doesn't even cross my mind to make mean-sprited fun of anyone who posts here... I know the old wounds are hard... it is hard to trust that people can be supportive. I feel appreciative, empathetic, caring feelings and like people here and it doesn't cross my mind to put anyone down.

mrs. dobbs
05-02-14, 05:56 AM
by the way -- I feel silly chasing mrsD + continuously telling her how much I feel the same (except for no toot in my life yet)

Chase away! You are great company. :)

Do you want a toot toot? They are lil sunshines! You can take a toot toot in, or grow your own! I have to say that as much as they are the center of everything that's good in the world being a mom with ADHD is a helluva time!!

Corina86
05-02-14, 10:41 AM
No friends.

Don't worry, though. It really is not you. It sure as hell wasn't me, because there's a lot of people in my nursing school I want to be friends with but want nothing to do with me or talk to me and then decide unilaterally that I'm unbearable. Idk.

^This is very true and important! Sometimes you're just simply unlucky and end up surrounded by pricks. There are places (companies, departments, classes etc) that either draw toxic people or a bunch of them managed to get together and bully everyone nice into leaving. So you can easily end up with a group where everyone sucks!

mrs. dobbs
05-02-14, 12:29 PM
^This is very true and important! Sometimes you're just simply unlucky and end up surrounded by pricks. There are places (companies, departments, classes etc) that either draw toxic people or a bunch of them managed to get together and bully everyone nice into leaving. So you can easily end up with a group where everyone sucks!

Corina... I read some of the stuff you write about your coworkers and I muse out loud to myself .... how does she survive a group of people like that??

Sunlovinlady
05-02-14, 03:39 PM
What type of ADHD are you? Hyperactive? Sometimes I noticed that others get either annoyed by or scared off by the hyperactive types. The inattentive types can seem too introverted or come off as if they do not care. I am combined type and I go back and forth between the two but try to stay stable. I think I put on a good front of having it all together and don't let even my very close friends see how much I suffer. I've had the same maybe 4 friends forever. They each have their own issues with anxiety, family/social problems anyway so I think they are understanding to some things that others might not be.

I can make new friends easily but choose not to because I get overwhelmed and I need my downtime too. There are times when I feel like no one is around and I want to do lots of things with them and other times when I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't go out of my way to join groups of any kind. I do not like the commitment.

Is your supervisor very confident? That attracts a lot of people. People like others who are positive and funny and have a lot going. Like a challenge to get to know them. If they sense any insecurities in someone they get turned away by it. They almost look down on you like a weakness. I realized that about 7 years ago. I was super insecure and also just a mess internally/mentally. I changed a lot of things and started being more on time for things and more open to things and positive. This helped a lot and people gravitated to me. Also people who are socially akward are not fun to be around. It's hard to know how people really perceive us. We have this idea about how we are and it doesn't always line up with what we are projecting.

Goofycook
05-02-14, 04:40 PM
.What type of ADHD are you? Hyperactive? Sometimes I noticed that others get either annoyed by or scared off by the hyperactive types. The inattentive types can seem too introverted or come off as if they do not care. I am combined type and I go back and forth between the two but try to stay stable
I realized that about 7 years ago. I was super insecure and also just a mess internally/mentally. I changed a lot of things and started being more on time for things and more open to things and positive. This helped a lot and people gravitated to me. Also people who are socially akward are not fun to be around. It's hard to know how people really perceive us. We have this idea about how we are and it doesn't always line up with what we are projecting.
Being combined myself really does make me go back and forth and other times when I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't go out of my way to join groups of any kind. I do not like the commitment.
but I definitely need my down time to cuddle with my pets who don't say a word and Ive gotten away from making promises I cant keep
I found the rest to be true also.
BTW Mr. I forgot what your name is I will try to post more. Everyday I become a little more comfortable with myself but I also have major setbacks so as I sometimes say "I'm a work in progres so cut me some slack" Rome wasn't built in a day

Greengrasshoppe
05-02-14, 06:59 PM
Say that someone wants to be friends with you, seeks you out. You give it a go. Then you realize that you find it tedious or otherwise unpleasant. What happens next?Hmmm tbh in this case in the past I've just continued to hang out with the person out of desperation. I realize this is very unfair to the other person, especially since it's probably obvious to them that I don't really want to be there.


And as for mutual interests, do you ever find people who are interested in the same things as you? So that you don't have to worry so much on personal chemistry, being socially smooth or whatever. You can enjoy focusing on an external subject together. Doing something together.Not really! My interests are not terribly common among the people near me. Maybe I should try harder to seek people out who have the same interests as me. Good point.

Goofycook
05-03-14, 10:53 AM
out of my desperation for friends I've made some pretty toxic ones along the way. They probaly kept me around just so would someone they could make fun of, use and all the other things toxic powple do to you

tryn-optmsm
05-03-14, 02:06 PM
Goofy ....

Toxic friends:

1) I made one of those 2.5 yrs ago when I REALLY didn't like myself (working on liking/forgiving myself for being stuck for so long)

2) Sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood, I hate everyone - even friends who only have the VERY BEST of intentions . . . I try not to be too mean, 'cause back in the day - I was proven wrong + lost some really good ones

3) They're my friends' because they want "amusement" in their life --- was [U]sometime[U] indicative of my [U]own[U] personal insecurities (compliments - 'oh they're just trying to be nice'. . .)

(((((Goofy)))))

Timberline
05-14-14, 01:25 PM
When I was a kid/young adult, I easily made friends. Lots of them were long(ish) distance friends, so we didn't have a chance to see each other daily & get on each other's nerves. Since I've been an adult, it is much harder to make friends. Now most of my friends I met because we have children the same ages.

I've lost one friend because of my very poor memory. I was in a dark place, her little girl was very attached to my little girl, and in my own fog, I just FORGOT about her kid's birthday party. I didn't want to hurt her or her little girl, I just totally forgot. I don't have any ill feelings toward her, but now I realize that that episode was part of my ADD thing.

Herose
06-15-14, 07:56 PM
I actually don't like 80% of people. I find them dumb, superficial or just pain boring. My weirdness actually draws people to me, so I never have to find people to be friends with. My problem is that I get bored easily with people around me, so I lose interest in their friendship and feel like they have nothing good to offer.

But that wasn't always the case. When I was depressed and had low self-esteem, people don't know how to deal with that. I was hungry for social agnowledgement and people to love me. I always felt guilty that I wasn't good enough. I would push people away, because the burden of the friendship was too hard on me. I felt so terribly responsible for any little thing that didn't go as planned. I would cancel appointments if I thought I was going to be late. I was never good enough, but in the end, neither were they. They didnt help in in times of need, but they couldn't either. I now know that there was nothing these people could have done for me that would have made any difference for the state I was in. I was a complete mess and looking for them to save me was hopeless and impossible. Now I actually avoid unhappy people with low-selfesteem. Mainly because I have no clue how to respond to them. Yes, I have been there, but people with low self-esteem are not really responsive to compliments and good intentions. Like I said, good intentions didn't help me at all, and depressive people are not much fun to hang with. (no suicide pun intended) It brings me down when people keep dragging the conversation down or always stating negative things. I can be pretty dark, but I don't express hopelessness. No one can effectively respond to that. It makes me hopeless aswell and that's not helping anyone.

Yes, there are weird people that are generally not so socially gifted or easily accepted by the majority. But Weird attracks weird, so just join a club or something for that weird thing that you like. Your difficulty making friends most likely has nothing to do with your personality, but your attitude or self-esteem. Honestly, it might be a cliché but it is Hard to love someone who doesn't love themselfs. I know from first-hand experience. I don't blame anyone for leaving me. I now experience how hard it is with a depressed boyfriend.

Personally, I have a hard time keeping friends, because I forget about them and I am extreemly allergic to clingy people. Also I have a hard time dealing with people I have hurt, so I usually avoid them. I feel guilty sometimes, but I have learned that it is part of me and I have to find people who can accept that. I am very loyal, just not very punctual or attentive.

I have 4 good / great friends that I see about once a month and even though I'd like to see them more, I'm fine with this right now. Everyone is just very busy with college etc. I also have more male friends, we have more in common usually. I'm rude and very blunt. I'm not very secretive about my intentions like women typically are. I'm honest and straight-forward. I like to talk about sex and I use my sexuality to engage in conversations. In the past it was my identity, now it is just a part of it. I'm not a slag, I think sexuality is a normal thing to talk about and for people (men and women) who don;t think so, I'd like to provoke them. Shock the women and lure in the men. It's just a fun game to me. Women usually don't get me and find me highly intimidating. Some men do find me intimidating aswell, but they have this idea that females have to be submissive and act like virgins.

To me, the best friendships are based on some kind of strong foundation: mutual weirdness, seksual attraction, an intense passion you both share ,deep respect for each other or a simple facination for the fact the other keeps suprising you. I never had a good friend because 'we are alike' or 'because they are nice'. Sure you won't discover your 'foundation' at first sight, but in the end, that is what ties me to these people and we end up being friends.

I suppose I am a bit selfish, but I think friendships are like love. The harder you look, the harder it is to find. When you stop looking, it finds you.

Rebelyell
06-15-14, 08:16 PM
I'm with try and herose on there thinking,it's been and still has been a real struggle for me..what are your interests grasshopper?

zilphy
06-20-14, 04:10 PM
Want friends. Don't have any. I'm too weird for the typical person. Perhaps a counselor, therapist, minister etc... could be my friend. They could be themselves. Maybe I would be comfortable enough to be authentic. Considering they understand symptoms and such, they may find me interesting.

Being social makes me tired, but it would be nice to meet up with a friend once a week:-)

linlin27
06-26-14, 10:16 PM
I think it's the problem of living inside your own head. Plus most people with ADD begin to have anxiety over it, especially once diagnosed. Once you start talking and acting in a way to try to 'fix' how you think someone may be perceiving you, you come off as fake. That's what i noticed i do, i'm me at first then i change to be accommodating in fear i'll lose friends because i seem 'outrageous' or a 'spazz'. But it seems like ADD or not keeping friends is a problem of people when they get older

heylookacastle!
06-27-14, 07:53 AM
I have a horrible issue with timing communication. There is like a delay in processing what I want to say and because of that I always talk at the same time as others because I can gauge what is an appropriate amount of time to pause between exchanges. Also this causes major issues with the phone. Me and my husband even still have issues.

The flip side (equally terrible) is when I am able to catch something, I sometimes explode with so much enthusiasm and complete loss of volume control. I end up scaring the #*@! out of everyone around me and it's embarrassing. In groups, I'm so quiet, with trying to follow conversation that people get creep out because sometimes obvious I'm really trying to process the information.

I would creep me out. lol

Snapdragon
06-27-14, 08:56 AM
Lots of the same problems as others here. I also noticed or realized I do t follow through much on friendships. I feel like I am always so busy and rushed I keep putting off contacting friends (also, a bit of anxiety talking on the phone) but I put it off then feel like it's been to long and it trails off.
I am making a concerted effort to follow up with people. Calling people to ask how they are ect. I don't like having people over becuase my house is messy but perhaps meeting places....
I learned a mom I know wrote a book, so I read it and let her know I enjoyed it. She asked me to review it on Amazon..... Have not gotten to that yet. But I did block it onto my to do list.

minhessica
07-06-14, 07:31 PM
My whole life I had a hard time making friends. I think its because I stick up for myself/ opinionated and some of my friends at that moment respect that, but I think for them it gets tiring after awhile.

I also feel like I find things in people that get me agitated and I go off of that feeling a lot. Most of the time I can look past that, but other times I don't. So I end up being passive aggressive and lose friends in the process. I push people away

sabotender
07-14-14, 01:18 PM
I don't have a problem (partly because I'm more of a withdrawn person, and don't particularly miss anyone's company if they exit from my life. but I tend to welcome them back if our paths crosses again):D

addthree
07-14-14, 02:21 PM
I have trouble keeping friends. I tend to speak my mind which offends people. Or people don't understand me and take things the wrong way. I have some friends but not many new ones. Also body language and facial expressions are a mystery to me and I think people are always mad.

Puketastik
07-14-14, 09:33 PM
I have a very hard time with making friends, I am very selective in who I want to associate myself with, call me a paranoid weirdo but I totally feel like everyone is out to get me even though I know that thought is completely unreasonable but i tend to befriend people who are like me and also have things in common with me. I lose friends because of lack of communication, I get jealous cuz I am not smart enough and I cause problems then the person is out of my life and at the moment I am so happy for that, but in the long run I was shallow to be so low. Anyways I am now on a good anti depressant viibryd and I am more positive and not so negative yay me :)

T____y
07-15-14, 03:28 AM
Hi!! I have a problem keeping friends. Between losing my phone and poor follow up. And I hate Facebook invites! I'm missed everyone of them :(

MADD As A Hatte
07-15-14, 04:03 AM
Essentially, I make friends really easily, but I drop them, as well. I'm in my early fifties, and until this week I would have said I was a Nigel No-mates.

Except in the past few days I've :

(a) had a study date with an old friend from my early corporate career days, from 30 years ago, who is also now doing a uni degree;

(b) received an email from an AFS-exchange-student mate (we were at school in Cleveland, Ohio!) ... from 35 years ago, with whom I lost touch for decades, and who I have recently tracked down (he's a sexy architect in Paris; bugger, how did I let HIM get away???);

(c) received an email from a recently-made friend, who I had slacked off contacting during my exams;

(d) .... it goes on.

In the KanBan Flow productivity thread (search on "Accountability"), a group of us ADD-types are acting like pom-pom girls to help each other keep on top of the business of life. I've got a task called "Write to my friend ..." which is helping me get re-connected with long-lost pals, and to stay connected with current ones.

I thought I was a social failure. But it turns out, doing a real time audit can sometimes dispel the myths we have churning around in our head, about being a social loser.

Just sayin' ...

oldsk8r
07-16-14, 03:35 PM
Hi I'm a man I don't have many friends but I don't need them really why would u want people who u think r ur m8s an really all they want r or meds .fu###kem I say her I **** a lot off people off not by choice it just happens .!!!!!!!!!!!!! Live or life the best way u can an just be u an I'll be or friend !!!!!!!!!!!!! Hi I'm Steve

apoeticdevice
07-27-14, 04:28 PM
I have had awful luck with friends too. The few that have stuck around get along with me because they have issues of their own. I'm nice and people like me but idk.

Jacklynlovett
08-05-14, 03:33 AM
Wow it's nice, in a sad way, to know that there are others. Besides all those points all of you talked about, I am very weird and strange on top of ADD. Aliens, ghosts, paranormal stuff really interest me. How many girls actually like that stuff? Not a whole lot -.- so it's extremely difficult for me to have and make friends. I usually get bored of the ones that I have nothing in common with then it ends up with me just being alone. I need a weird rocker chick who also has ADD to be my best friend. If I have one person around me that I feel completely comfortable around then I tend to be very outgoing. Strange isn't it?

ElevatorMusic
08-11-14, 10:39 PM
I have difficulty maintaining some friendships; I find it tiring. Many of my female friends want to sit on the phone chatting for hours, they want to go out all the time...it's draining and time-consuming. I'm not sure how they manage to keep their lives in order with their constant socialising but they do, somehow. Meanwhile if I did the same, my life would spiral into complete disorder.

Sometimes I don't know who the 'abnormal' one is - me or them. I can't fathom needing that much interaction or such complete inability to be alone for a while. I work with one particular friend quite closely - we see/talk to each at work all day. Then she calls me in the evening to talk about things we've already talked about ad nauseum...

aeon
08-12-14, 02:00 AM
Say that someone wants to be friends with you, seeks you out. You give it a go. Then you realize that you find it tedious or otherwise unpleasant. What happens next?

I ask myself if there is something I am resisting and/or afraid of.

I ask myself if my experience was more a function of my headspace at the time than something to do with the person in question.

That's before I move on to thinking about conversational style, self-awareness, boundaries, values, and a ton of other stuff.

I end up being more tedious and overall unpleasant than they were, for certain!

Mom2GnJ
08-13-14, 03:32 PM
Yeah, I don't know why, but I fall into this category as well. I put some effort in, but not too much so I don't come off seeming loony. But others don't reciprocate much. Bah.

x2startermom
09-17-14, 01:16 AM
I have a hard time making and keep friends as well. Mostly because I feel like I have to keep the conversation going. A lot of my conversations are "Hi, How are you?" the end.

Mrs Hmmz
10-02-14, 07:51 AM
I find it quite easy to make friends in the first place when I meet people I get on with (though not so much with very "normal" people, luckily I'm good at finding the "abnormal" types, ha!), but I have trouble sustaining friendships a lot of the time as I struggle with all the stuff you need to do to maintain a friendship (keeping in touch, helping each other out, organising meeting up, replying to texts, being reliable, etc). I have quite a lot of casual friends who seem to enjoy my company but I struggle to turn those types of people into close friends because keeping up with social expectations is overwhelming & exhausting for me; the only thing I'm good at that helps me keep friends is facebook, but even then I do things like forget to reply to messages etc and people start to feel they can't rely on me :(

Am I? I Am
10-11-14, 11:29 PM
Wow, reading all of this is helping me to understand my life and my ups and downs. When I was younger (teens) I had friends (more male) and would have one female friend at a time, for some reason one female friend wouldn't like my other female friend, so I would only be friends one at a time. This also happened in grade school, pattern?

Now, that I'm in my 50's I would rather be alone than try to develop a friendship just in case I can't meet expectations.. mine and theirs. It's hard to commit to anything, a lunch, a day out, a meeting. I have always called myself spontaneous and used that as an excuse to never plan.

I find many people boring for a long period of time, I just dread the family (in-laws) get-to-gethers and can hardly wait for the time to get home again. I'm better with one on one for short spans.

I'm so thankful for finding this place, I'm starting to understand me and to be less judgmental of my life and why I am who I am (hence my username).

midnightstar
10-12-14, 05:26 AM
I definitely find it hard to make friends and keep them, usually what happens is when we move anywhere we promise to keep in touch but we never do manage it. I've only ever been able to keep in touch with one friend and even then we only really chat over facebook about once a week for a few minutes.

wildthing
11-06-14, 03:57 PM
I have always had problems making and keeping friendships. There's a lot of reasons why.

For one, I feel like nobody ever really likes me! I don't know why, but I get the impression that people just think I'm a little off and need to be avoided. I can space out a lot. Other times I can be a little hyper and act in a way that I guess others think is immature for an adult.

I have a hard relating to people. I feel like people don't "get" me.

It's hard for me in social situations. I get bored easily. I can't listen for very long. I get frustrated because other adults just want to sit and chat all the time.

I'm really forgetful. I forget to text people back a lot or answer their message.

I get really lonely sometimes and wish I knew people I could invite out. But then in reality I just can't seem to get along with anybody or I find other people too boring.

It sucks.

TheChemicals
11-06-14, 04:16 PM
Make lovers and enemies....those are a lot more fun. Friends are boring and hard to deal with.

Rebelyell
11-06-14, 06:10 PM
:( :(:(:o:doh::mad:

loverainbow
12-30-15, 05:47 PM
The only set of friends I have are the kids whom I grow up with. Almost like, to many memories to spare but more than often it's all just a bunch of nothingness when we talk. I bailed out a lot from seeing them, last minute. I went missing a lot. It took me days even weeks to reply to calls/text to hang out. I forgot their birthdays. I can't think of the reason why they put up with it. I don't think we would hang out if we just meet now as an adult.

Delphine
12-30-15, 07:11 PM
I always joke that "I don't deserve friends".... and I'm not sure if people realise how serious I am about that!!

I never really forget birthdays.... but I very often buy them a gift the week before, forget to send the card... or get their gift to them on time (could be weeks later)....
Some people get miffed about that, but most find it quirkily endearing. I wish I could get all my ducks in line, but too often I drop the ball.

You'd think such behaviour would have you lose friends, but not always. I forget to phone people back... even when I tell them I'll phone right back... I can be 10 mins late despite my best efforts (I hate that about me)....

It bothers me when people feel we are 'besties' when we've only just met. I like to take my time to get to know people..... but once I'm comfortable with being friends, then I'm loyal and connected and totally 'in', 100% there....as much as I am able (given the above factors).

Other people I know seem to be able to make 'best friends' far more quickly than me. I know they find it odd when I stand back a bit.... but we can only be real, can't we?

amelie_melo
01-18-16, 09:04 AM
Hello there!
This is my fist post in this forum so i don't exactly know where to post, but i was feeling helpless the past few days and i decided to search for people that could possibly, in a way, understand me.
I was diagnosed with ADHD when i was 6 years old, but there is a very strong possibility that i still have it cause all the symptoms are still here. I live in Greece and there is absolutely no awareness here for adult ADD/ADHD so it's very hard to find out. Most people think it's not real and that is killing me.
I've always had problems with friendships, although i always think more of the other person and i'm selfless. They seem to get bored and leave.
This period in my life most people tell me all the time that im zoned out, that i don't listen to what they say and that i get so distracted that it's annoying.
It's true that i zone out sometimes, but i always try to listen to them and i don't believe that what they're saying is absolutely accurate.
Only one of my friends believes that i'm right, and he thinks that it's not so much as the other people say it is.
I tried to explain them about my condition with a buzzfeed article with illustrations, that is humorous and the main message is "please understand".
They liked it and they said "that's tottally you". But after MINUTES they were again all like "you're not listening again! stop biting your nails and changing subjects so fast!"
I feel awful. I feel like nobody understands me and i don't know what to do.

sarahsweets
01-18-16, 09:08 PM
Most people think it's not real and that is killing me.
I've always had problems with friendships, although i always think more of the other person and i'm selfless. They seem to get bored and leave.
This period in my life most people tell me all the time that im zoned out, that i don't listen to what they say and that i get so distracted that it's annoying.
It's true that i zone out sometimes, but i always try to listen to them and i don't believe that what they're saying is absolutely accurate.
The reason you have problems with friendships is because the friends you are choosing are jerks. And if you are selfless and they leave it proves that to be true. And being selfless can become toxic.

Gryphonfyre
01-22-16, 03:41 AM
The reason you have problems with friendships is because the friends you are choosing are jerks. And if you are selfless and they leave it proves that to be true. And being selfless can become toxic.

That's interesting... I wouldn't consider myself selfless. Actually, when it comes to "friends," I'm not sure what I would consider myself. I do know that I really have just the hardest time making and an even harder time keeping friends. I like to be nice to people. I like to try to make them feel special or cared for or valued/appreciated. I think that comes across as way too much and before I know it, they're nowhere to be found.

For example, I'm an editor, so I have the ability to work at home. That being said, though, I already don't make friends very easy, so the people with whom I come in contact through my work wind up being the recipients all too often, I think. Anyway, the mother of a lady with whom I had just started working had passed and I really felt bad for her. Even though we've had abuse issues, I couldn't imagine the pain of losing my mom. My job requires me to research pretty much everything, so it was nothing, really, for me to find this lady's address and mail her a sympathy card and then find where the funeral was and send flowers. Looking back on it, that does seem pretty stalkerish. I just don't know where that line is, and I feel like I'm constantly wavering all over the line like I'm inebriated.

Also, I came from an abusive home -- won't go into it, as I've been in therapy for years and years, so I don't really have that urge to bring it up in some subconscious way to work through something anymore, but I tell ya, between that back in the day or some other subject or the fact that 99% of the time I simply can't think of anything to say, I just don't really talk anymore. Can't make too many friends if you don't talk.

Piccoreo90
03-06-16, 10:20 PM
I realize this thread is super old, but anytime I think about the fact that ADD has more than likely affected my (lack of) friendships, I think back to 9th grade. A friend of mine was complaining about another girl "Omg I hate her". Our other friend asked "Why do you hate her?" I replied, without thinking "She doesn't really hate her, she's just jealous cause she's so pretty." Cause, y'know, teenage girls always say they "hate" someone when they're just jealous, and it kinda annoyed me. It took me half a second to realize what I said, and I tried playing the "just kidding" card. About a week later I lost those two friends.

I will say having ADD can make you (and does, in my case) impulsive, less likely to think before speaking, and at times, very annoying when hyperactivity kicks in.

Leigh1865
03-09-16, 03:49 PM
This is so ridiculous but part of my problem is, I don't want to ask anyone to do anything because I don't want them to feel obligated to hang out. So I wait to be invited to things but when I make no effort in the friendship/relationship I come off as disinterested. I have one person besides my fiance who I truly consider a friend and she has ADHD, so we seemed to get each other, and she moved out of state so I don't have to make a ton of effort besides texting and a call once a month or so.

Wow, my life sounds depressing. Lol.

stride
03-21-16, 07:29 PM
Hi new girl here and first thing I wanna say is that I am so relieved that I came to this forum. I too have difficulties in having friends in fact I have difficulties in talking to other people. When I talk to people I feel like smiling and be all nervous and say weird things that pops into NY head. I kind of had difficulties with my speech even when I was young I always gets so nervous and agitated cuz my brain gets information jumbled up that it really affects my speech and when people hear me talking they probably think I am crazy it also does not help the fact that I am fat, unmotivated, and ugly. :(

sarahsweets
03-22-16, 04:35 AM
Hi new girl here and first thing I wanna say is that I am so relieved that I came to this forum. I too have difficulties in having friends in fact I have difficulties in talking to other people. When I talk to people I feel like smiling and be all nervous and say weird things that pops into NY head. I kind of had difficulties with my speech even when I was young I always gets so nervous and agitated cuz my brain gets information jumbled up that it really affects my speech and when people hear me talking they probably think I am crazy it also does not help the fact that I am fat, unmotivated, and ugly. :(

I dont think this kind of negative talk is true and I dont think its good for you.
The anxiety you feel...is this something you have seen a doctor about? If not its a good idea. We cant assume we know what others think about us even when we feel uncomfortable. You dont know for sure that friends think youre crazy, unless they have told you- 'Your nuts"

Being as nervous as you are can be associated with adhd but IME its anxiety rearing its ugly head. What kind of treatment are you getting?

stride
03-24-16, 10:57 AM
I dont think this kind of negative talk is true and I dont think its good for you.
The anxiety you feel...is this something you have seen a doctor about? If not its a good idea. We cant assume we know what others think about us even when we feel uncomfortable. You dont know for sure that friends think youre crazy, unless they have told you- 'Your nuts"

Being as nervous as you are can be associated with adhd but IME its anxiety rearing its ugly head. What kind of treatment are you getting?

Yes its true I frequently feel anxious and its because of my ADHD that I'm like this. And being discourage by my family does not help my condition. As for treatment, my family thinks I should deal with all my problems by myself "because thats supportive they are".

Dianel
04-18-16, 09:58 PM
I only have a couple friends. For some reason I just don't do well with people. Not good at small talk. I don't have any interest in going out with the few friends I have. It is not depression. Just a total lack of interest in doing anything. When I agree to go somewhere it makes me unconfortable just thinking about having to go.

adhdseeker
05-23-16, 05:12 AM
Extremely long rambly post.......... Gotta go so here is my first draft.

Some interesting posts, here. I can relate to a lot. Two thoughts:

--I am female. I find making new friendships with women much much much more difficult than men. It's easy to be myself with a guy. With a woman, I have much more self-doubt. I'm not sure how to show kindness without feeling weird or awkward. This feeling increases substantially to the degree I have a reciprocal interest in being their friend. I think I almost sort of avoid these potential friends. :/

--On that note, I fear that out of a desire for comfort (???? very unclear here) I attract or make friends with people who in some way other people might disrespect... generally they are intelligent but they'll have some blatant emotional issue (for example) that causes other people to wonder why I might want to be friends with them. Sometimes I wonder that too.... At times I tell myself its because no one else is interested, but I think a more accurate perspective is that I mess up all those friendships that would actually mean something to me. It's like I missed those social skills.. growing up all those years without medication or insight as to why I was so out of sync.

*ramble ramble... >> *
I think part of it is that even though I am very intelligent, I am too awkward/self-conscious to approach people who I might actually be interested in getting to know. I also sort of assume such people aren't interested in me. I am very pleased when I manage to secure a "normal" friend. I don't know if I am just judgemental or what... I am sensitive to what other people think of me in this regard... partly because I also believe that I could enjoy myself more if I had other friends... perhaps that had something to teach me socially or otherwise. I really respect my close friends, but I find it is a hard thing to come by given the sorts of people that come to me and who I manage to be comfortable with enough to have a relaxing conversation.


Can anyone else relate to this? I think I am very kind, very nice to such people.. I will take anyone under my wing. I am attracted to outsiders... I can care very much for them. I will be the friend to a person that doesn't have any friends. I am more or less ok with that but sometimes I see glimpses into the lives of other "normal" people (quote, unquote) and wonder if I'm missing something.
I have a significant amount of close wonderful friends who I truly respect so this is a slight negative exaggeration as to how my life really is. But this becomes an issue whenever I'm acclimating to a new social environment for sure. I'm self-conscious of the fact that I feel more comfortable with people who I can see in some sense are "below" me or who I won't feel self-conscious about being weird around. I don't like saying such and such a person is below me, since that's not accurate. I see it that way because I know getting such a person on my good side wont be hard. (rrrr the way i am speaking here sounds really manipulative... I guess maybe it's just a feeling of confidence... or a feeling of safety.)
And for the rest of them, well, they might be on my good side but it's like a sheer drop off after that because I don't know how to get close or seem to ignore or overlook advances they might have made.

it is a nagging feeling that I'd like to put to rest. Thoughts? Can anyone share this experience?

Evienne
05-27-16, 03:38 PM
I definitely have issues with this. I'll make a friend and get so excited about hanging out with them and stuff, but then once I'm not talking to them/actually out doing something with them I get... I don't know, bored? And stop putting effort into maintaining the friendship. I didn't realize I was doing that until pretty recently.

Boudin55
05-31-16, 08:23 PM
I'm the same way. I also have a lot of anxiety but I see myself as an introvert that likes to do things (mainly because I crave excitement) but not deal with social situations. I'm super awkard and have a hard time remembering names because my mind races. Its embarrassing.

Shamindo
06-05-16, 10:05 PM
I have a stupidly easy time charming people and getting them interested in who I am, but avoid them like the plague when they want to start meeting for coffee and what have you. There's a lot of reasons for it, but really...my routine and sleep has become so important to me, that I'm just not wanting to put out the time for people I don't really know!? Plus...I'm pretty good at stimulating myself when I'm bored, but when you're hankered down with another person and it gets boring..I WANT TO DIE. It's like, I either want to be doing something that is exciting, therapeutic, or intense relaxation. Anything in between and I get antsy. As well I don't follow through with plans. romantic and family obligations fine..but friends, I dunno. Part of me feels like the effort just isn't worth it for friends. I have people I see in work/school/my son's school...and family. That's enough for me. Then there's facebook too.

Shamindo
06-05-16, 10:10 PM
It's funny, cause my closest friends are ones I got to know because of some kind of long term schedule...my best friend, we always caught the same ferry to school in the mornings and were stuck together for 25 minutes twice a day. Plus we would walk home together, so it was easy to remember about her as she was completely ingrained in my daily routine. did that for six years. If only I could make more friends that way. I've read the best way to get your social fix when you have ADHD is by going to an even that is scheduled. Like church, book club, some other kind of club whereyou meet up with people regularly. I believe that is true. Sometimes I have so much energy, people want to be around me obsessively cause I am so fun..but then the quiet pensive girl comes for hours and I think I probably shouldn't be around anyone while I'm like that. Even my ex husband used to ask me "WHat's wrong with you?!" when I'd get down. He didn't get that it was just my energy surging from one extreme to the other. poor regulating.

Emy_93
07-05-16, 10:57 AM
Hi dear ,
I am ready to be a friend of anyway but in fact its hard for me to keep friends
Its because I am impulsive
And after of a period of time that I didn't contact my friends , they tell me that they are so angry with me because I am not initiative to talk to them !!
I am so helpful but I forget calling someone who didn't talk to me for a long time
Now I decide that I don't need many people in my life , I need just patient friends

Opearli
07-09-16, 01:29 PM
i only have three close friends in my life right now.
Three is great but we don't all share the same interests.
So Im constantly trying to make new friends with those interests because I REALLY like talking about my passions.
But I find that when i meet someone compatible and fun my excitment quickly turns into boredom.
I honestly think it may be because of the fact i have a tendsncy to be the main one to carry a conversation most of the time and I kind of wish I had more people to talk to that can topic switch on the flip of a dime.
Maybe I'd get less bored? Just a theory haha

maysarieltiff
07-27-16, 07:52 PM
Throughout my life I have only had one or two friends at a time. We are no longer in touch, but looking back they understood me.

Now that I am older I have made a couple of friends in the last couple of years. We moved to a new state, I knew no one, and the women I have met have been through school, and one through my boyfriend's work. (wife of one of the men he works with).

One girl I met in school said to me the other day, I know we don't talk much anymore but I still think of you. The other friend I met in school, since summer started we barely talk but I feel I try to communicate.

The third woman I met has ADHD as well and we have a lot in common, she is much more hyperactive and talkative than I am, however, so most of our friendship is her talking and me listening and struggling to remain focused. Luckily for me, she understands when I wander off or have to ask her to repeat herself.

My problem is that I get too emotionally involved in any relationship and expect that it be reciprocated. These are silly expectations. When I get close to someone and all of a sudden they are distant I assume its because I talked too much, opened up too much, and now that they know the full extent of my issues, have decided to back off because I am not worth the trouble. In reality, logically, they most likely have their own issues going on and I cannot expect every friend to be there at the drop of a hat when I have a crisis.

I have a tendency to be too honest with my issues. I think because for so long I tried to be invisible, now I have a tendency to be like, "here I am, take it or leave it", and I might overwhelm people.

I don't really look for friends, I guess, but at times I will talk and be more social (I am an introvert) and I crave the attention and camaraderie. I have learned over years how to be social, because for years I was painfully shy.

I was going somewhere with this...OH! lol. Maybe what we are all looking for is people/friends who understand us and accept us for who we are. They are hard to come by, but this is true with any real friend in this world.

RjoyD1
08-17-16, 02:54 PM
I have trouble making and keeping friends.

There are multiple intertwining reasons for that.
Some,possibly many, are my fault and then there's the types of people that I attract.

sybil
08-19-16, 03:26 AM
I cannot seem to keep friends but maybe I just come on too strong. I don't have any friends from childhood like so many people I know. My sister doesn't seem to have any problems with friends but seems to have symptoms of ADD.

Sometimes I hear a conversation. I don't know if it's appropriate to join in. It's hard for me to tell if I am interfering or not. Also, I have a hard time telling if someone has gotten bored with what I am talking about. It seems that the things I find so interesting don't seem to interest others as much, at least sometimes that is the case.