View Full Version : Sexual Issues, Please help!


simonda
04-22-14, 05:47 PM
Hello, I am new to writing in forums but I am desperate for some advice and insight. I have been with my boyfriend with ADHD for almost 2 years and we live together. We have had several issues due to his ADHD symptoms, but he is back on medication so things have gotten a little better. One thing that hasn't changed is his avoidance to sexual intimacy. He avoids anything sexual at all costs. He has never been in a relationship until we started dating and has never had sex before. We have been to several counselors, doctors, and a sexual health therapist. The therapist ruled out child molestation and lack of attraction or different sexual orientation. My boyfriend says he gets major anxiety when anything sexual starts. He doesn't like the feeling of another person touching him that way. We have been struggling with this for over a year. I don't know what to do to help him with the anxiety so he can focus on sharing an intimate moment with me. We want to get married and have a family, but I don't see how that can happen if we cannot figure this out. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Do you know if this is a sensory issue...or any ideas? I love him and want to figure this out.

dvdnvwls
04-22-14, 06:34 PM
Hello, and welcome to the forum.

There are several possibilities, some of which I'm probably not aware of.

- He may have a sensory issue, as you already suggested.

- He may have an anxiety disorder comorbid with ADHD, or even no ADHD but an anxiety disorder instead.

- He may have a particular fear of some aspect of what's happening, including (potentially) fear of not knowing how or inadequacy, fear of un-planned pregnancy, or other things.

- It's clear that he doesn't like the feeling of another person touching him in a sexual way; does he enjoy the feeling of touching you in a sexual way? Does he masturbate and enjoy that?

Fuzzy12
04-22-14, 06:47 PM
Could he be depressed or stressed? Does he enjoy non sexual touch like hugs holding hands etc? I'd start there. .just to make him more comfortable with any body contact in a non pressure no expectations situation.

Ganjin
04-22-14, 07:55 PM
Hello, and welcome to the forum.

There are several possibilities, some of which I'm probably not aware of.

- He may have a sensory issue, as you already suggested.

- He may have an anxiety disorder comorbid with ADHD, or even no ADHD but an anxiety disorder instead.

- He may have a particular fear of some aspect of what's happening, including (potentially) fear of not knowing how or inadequacy, fear of un-planned pregnancy, or other things.

- It's clear that he doesn't like the feeling of another person touching him in a sexual way; does he enjoy the feeling of touching you in a sexual way? Does he masturbate and enjoy that?

Those are good questions. Also, does he enjoy other forms of physical contact (hugging, cuddling, etc)?

Lots of credit to you for working on this. It must take a lot of patience. You must really love the guy.

RedHairedWitch
04-22-14, 09:15 PM
Order the Better Sex videos from amazon. They are geared towards couples who are beginners at sex. Very classy and loving (if a little dated) you guys can watch them together and it might help over come his anxieties and allow you guys to talk and have a starting point. There's also the book Sex Made Easy, which is great. But I would totally suggest watching the videos together.

zilphy
04-22-14, 11:10 PM
Can you relax, play, laugh, make love, be made love to and know you are sexually desired by your boyfriend? So far you have said no. These things matter more than people realize. Sex usually diminishes after marriage. Can you survive a sexless marriage? It is a very lonely place to exist for decades. I know from experience. DO NOT MARRY HIM until you get what you need from him sexually on a regular basis with enjoyment expressed on his part. Begging to be sexually touched gets old very quickly.

Greengrasshoppe
04-23-14, 02:37 PM
Zilphy, is that Zotoh Zhaan in your avatar?

Sorry to threadjack!

kilted_scotsman
04-24-14, 01:44 PM
Hi simonda and welcome

Though I haven't had your partners issues, probably because I self-medicated with alcohol much of the time, maybe I can offer some insights now I'm alcohol free.

What I suspect is that your partner is extremely scared of the emotional intensity of touch and intimacy.... he may experience sensory overload/overwhelm.... which is very unpleasant....and therefore "shuts down" almost completely so that he doesn't go anywhere near situations where breakdown/loss of control/emotional flooding may occur.

Touch and intimacy are difficult to handle....there is a HUGE amount of subliminal stuff triggered when we move from culturally "formal" or ritual touch which involves being able to "read" the other persons expectations/body language and also be able to monitor our own body.

Once I started exploring my issues with touch and intimacy I found life became easier... I did this by experimenting with simple touch and intimacy in non-sexual situations.... with a range of people.... firstly through Tango and secondly through simple exercises in a safe, led group setting. I also do 5 rhythms dance.... biodanza would be another thing to try.

At first this was EXTREMELY difficult for me to handle... the first time I went tried this I broke down and had to leave the room... fortunately this was in a safe setting because it was quite a surprise to me. Over the subsequent years I have been able to slowly open myself up to and handle the feelings and emotions that are triggered by the presence of beautiful, connectful women.

As I indicated above.... introducing touch through dance may be a way forward and I would recommend Tango as this is an improvised dance and requires the man to lead. He has to develop a sense of his own body, and that of his partner.... while in an embrace.... even for NT guys this is a challenge... for the ADDer it's a bit of a nightmare.. however if he is open and honest about the difficulties with touch with the dance tutor he may well find the experience beneficial....

I am about 5 years into my exploration of intimacy... it's been well worth the effort.

Arthas
05-24-14, 01:05 PM
My wife and I have been together for about 8 years, and we've had our share of ups and downs in the bedroom department (no pun intended), related to her ADHD. One of the issues that she has mentioned, it what has been described as "Touch-And-Touchability", meaning sometimes a light, gentle touch can feel nice, sometimes it can feel disturbing to her. The important part is to keep in mind it's not your touch that might be causing that, but just an over sensitivity to certain sensations at that period in time. My wife suggested a firmer, more assertive touch is usually the better choice.

The other side of this coin is distraction, getting focused enough to be in the moment to be able to enjoy the intimacy. It will take more effort and patience to get them "in the mood".

Hope that helps somewhat.

buykamagragold
12-23-14, 07:21 AM
First try to make him comfortable with you for that spend more time with each other, talk with each other on this topic, give him moral support, have fun with each other, be a good friend of each other which will help you to make your relationship more faithful after that try to have sex.

SirSchmidt
12-23-14, 11:54 PM
I know how difficult this is for you. I was with someone who never really met me halfway when it came to sex. I always wanted it and she never did. We were together for a long time and it never happened, even once.

Don't feel guilty that you want more. It's easy to feel like you're being unreasonable or asking too much but you absolutely aren't. It's definitely an important and necessary part of a relationship.

sarahsweets
12-24-14, 05:56 AM
for me,sex is an extension of the love I share with my husband. Plus its totally hot.

RobboW
12-24-14, 06:18 AM
I think the problem is ADDers raw emotion and holding back. Getting down 'n' dirty lets hormones take over and that can be worriesome for us. Makes the moment awkward, then add in the lack of social awareness and inability to read cues properly. The thing can be a mess without a long relationship to set things straight.

ToneTone
12-24-14, 08:29 PM
Simonda,

I'm with Zilphy on this one. First of all, this is a serious issue, and I'm a little worried that you have adopted it as YOUR problem.

ONLY HE can work on this. He's the one who needs to come to forums to post on this issue and ask for help. He's the one who ON HIS OWN needs to work on this if he wants to with a therapist.

So I wonder if there is a boundaries issue here, meaning you are treating him as if you can control and solve his issues. You can't. All you can do is make a suggestion, and give him support. He has to take the initiative on this matter.

But definitely do NOT get married ... Trust me: there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, like the post-marriage depression that descends on people who get married to someone and return from the honeymoon to find that the old issue is back in force. In fact, the old issue sometimes, often in fact, shows up ON the honeymoon.

If anything, marriage will make things worse. He's probably got an intimacy issue of some kind. Well, being legally bonded with someone is the ultimate "confinement" if you have intimacy issues and problems. Because he would be living so close to you physically and emotionally, his distancing problem--if you are married- will most likely INCREASE for him to stay balanced.

Now I'm going to be blunt here. In addition to intimacy or sensory issues, it is possible that he's simply not attracted to you. I dated someone I was madly in love with who was very distant physically. She kept saying it was because her mother had raised her to distrust men and to distrust love ... also she had a father who cheated on her mother and embarrassed the entire family because the father's affair was with a neighbor.

Well, thank God (and this was hard for her), this partner finally came clean that she simply was not viscerally attracted to me. We did have good sex, but I had to always initiate and I felt the lack of physical connection and just TLC constantly.

As painful as it was to hear this, I was liberated by her honesty, because frankly, I had completely been out of it as far as paying attention to whether I REALLY felt attracted to someone and whether they REALLY felt attracted to me ... Looking back, I can see several times when what I thought were my "intimacy" problems in relationships with women were simply attraction problems. I dated several women I admired, liked, and loved--and who I thought were pretty--but whom I simply was not attracted to.

I had an ethical code for a long time that led me to minimize the importance of basic physical attraction ... I thought it was superficial and cruel to think in terms of attraction. Well attraction is NOT ENOUGH for a good relationship. But 95 percent of the time, it is required.

So for the longest I had trouble distinguishing between women I thought were good looking and women I was really attracted to. Huge difference. Huge huge difference.

It's possible that you boyfriend, because he has so little experience, isn't quite able to figure out his feelings and whether he is attracted to you or not.

Note: I am assuming you are beautiful ... I'm not talking about any kind of ranking .. I'm talking about the quirkiness of visceral attraction.

Anyway, good luck.

Tone

Vivid_thoughts
12-26-14, 06:03 AM
Anxiety can be an issue. I'm a very outgoing person - Worse when drunk, to most people in a pub I'll just seem like a loud mouthed nutter. I'm hypersensetive to touch - I love it! If I am single, drunk, a female who I have been chatting to a bit holds my hand - everything else is lost on me, all I can do feel the warmth from that hand, I'm desperate for her not to let go, I want to cling on to her.
We go home, kissing cuddling, loads of emotion (well on my behalf anyway), I'm in heaven. But then between the covers of the big duvet holding us together - The anxiety kicks in. With my emotionals raging and out of control, sensory overload of love and lust (Even if I've only known her maybe 4-5 hours this can happen) and I get massively anxious. My heart starts to beat at a massive rate of knots, I start to sweat, the blood rushes around my body, except one place. Where little vivd thoughts is. He kinda flakes out a bit. Then the real panic sets in. Being drunk I'm so desperate to make this women happy, then this happens.

It's a horrible place to be. The only thing that every solved it was when a girl was nice and said not to worry and then we cuddled up - everything starts to work again, once the emotions have kicked in, but the pressure is off. I can't think of an occassion that there's been a nice girl and it hasn't happened.

Once you've been though it, you have a paranoia that it is always there - then try to avoid those occassions where you can.

ELLH19
01-24-16, 10:41 PM
I just wrote a post on this issue. Oddly I have the exact opposite effect. Feel free to read my thread if interested.