View Full Version : "flaking" on things

05-04-14, 01:59 PM
"flaking": To bail out of something at the last minute.

I've been doing this a lot lately, and I don't know whether it's a symptom of ADD, or social anxiety, or bipolar disorder, or if I'm just an undependable person. I tend to be very dependable in certain situations, so I'm not sure it's that.

Both today and yesterday, I had committed myself to something, only to bail at the last minute. Both times, it was something I'd really like to do. I don't know why I bailed. I feel like it might be a control issue - Normally I'm good at going with the flow, but when I get anxious, if a situation includes unknowns I might chicken out and make an excuse not to go. Last week I nearly bailed on a friend's goodbye dinner because I didn't know if I was supposed to go to her front door or her back door. I get anxious about really weird things. And it's not like a physical anxiety. I don't feel anything. It's just like my brain says no.

I always feel really bad about it when I do it. Does anyone else do this?

05-04-14, 03:58 PM
OMG... so much :( no idea why, if it's the unknown or ... (alarms of warning go off in my head -- HATE those dang things) Anxiety or adhd or a mix -- because my mistakes' list is longer than most ......idk

05-04-14, 04:15 PM
i don't actually "flake" but yes I get worried over details about events (like which door to use!) in band we have to play in these 2 ceremonies thursday (it's veteran's day here) but what really worries me is that we'll probably all cram into some café between the ceremonies and i won't know where to sit.

05-04-14, 05:12 PM
I've never actually expressed the small things I worry so much about to another person and have them understand before. :) I'd chalk it up to anxiety, but it doesn't feel like anxiety. I get physical anxiety feelings when I'm worrying about something, but the flakiness doesn't seem to have anything physical attached to it. It just feels like my brain quits.

05-04-14, 05:22 PM
exactly, it's not anxiety. im actually a little "anxious" about playing these 5 songs, twice (that's a lot for us trumpets, marches + national anthem).
but the café thing, just "bothers" me....

05-04-14, 06:00 PM
Always, especially since I've been abused three times in a row.

06-03-14, 05:03 PM
I do this constantly.

Say someone invites me around to watch movies that night.
I love movies and I like spending time with my friends so initially the idea sounds great.
Then for some silly reason about 2 hours before I am due to arrive at my friends house I start to get nervous and stress out about nothing at all.

Then about an hour or 30 minutes before I am due to arrive I will stress myself out that much that I will cancel.

In a way my mind comes up with scenario's that may occur that will make me feel uncomfortable and all of a sudden what would normally be a fun night seems to be a daunting experience filled with uncertainty.

Its ridiculous sometimes. I will think about it after the anxiety is gone and be totally dumbfounded as to why I was so anxious.

I even do it with family social events where the people there I know really well.

I miss out on a lot of fun with family and friends because of this :(

If I dont know the people or its a social place like a pub or concert the anxiety is magnified by about 1000x.

06-05-14, 09:03 PM
If it was due to anxiety it would because you were having doubts, even if they were subconscious. Doubts can pretty much include having worries about people will perceive you. I've not had that type of social anxiety in awhile. What I have is fear over being in a different group of people and fear that some may want to hurt me.

If it was due to ADHD is could be about losing interest or basic executive function issues.

I'll use me as an example. Gig on in two nights. If I buy a ticket now I have to use a printer at some point but I don't have a working one so I'll have to save the documents to a thumb drive, then I'll have to walk to a business like Office Works (gets a bit anxious now - a wrote them a letter of complaint once on FB and also, it's a big store and I'm not exactly sure I remember how to use the self-serve area - because the staff are unhelpful a-holes so I'll have to use it), then I still have to pack my camera bag, get some monies out and well preparing for a gig takes a lot of effort.

Or, I could just try to get into the gig with the band's manager, who still hasn't replied to me. So, I could buy tickets at the door but they could sell out. So, if I go I think I'll just end up putting $2 coins in the bar's pinball machine all night. My ADHD mind doesn't find anything wrong with that, except for the whole missing out on seeing the band thing.

Also, this band is not from my regular scene. They're younger, trendier, people wear a whole less plaid and if they do their shirts aren't tucked in. And if they are people might still be in their 20s, and though I am I'm comfortable being the youngest person in the venue. Youngest looking at least.

When it comes to bipolar I want to just go to the thing and hardly have any doubts, then I wake up depressed and basically drag myself to the thing or decided to stay home. I know my sister gets really excited about going out and then she'll decide to stay in and eat pizza.

So, I guess I do the same things. Most of the time I don't go because of nervousness about going to an area I've never been to before, which turns into fearing for my safety. This time I can't be guaranteed to get into the venue because I won't just buy a ticket now and go to the effort to find a working printer to print it out. Sometimes I'm too anxious to even go in to have people looking at me. Although, when it comes to friends suddenly asking me out I usually don't want to break my routine.

Sorry. I like to analyze why I do the things I do. I used to be just as confused about my reactions to certain situations as you were. Earlier today, I had a nice big shouting session because people were hiding my bread in the fridge. I have hypoglycemia so seeing my food is very important to me. If I don't think I have food I kind of get very anxious. I hate having to go out and buy more food after people eat all of my food. Sometimes they just eat it because it's going off, but it's my food and I'm capable of eating it before it goes off. OK, sometimes I let them. It's good to know why I seem to lose it over what looks like such a minor issue.

06-05-14, 09:14 PM
I rarely ever "flake" on people. The only times that I ever "flake" is if something might hurt me in the end.

06-05-14, 10:24 PM
i have a bad tendency to do this more when it's an event where my friend or less than 5 people i know will be there and there's alot more i dont know.

other times when it's something i know i cant back out of, ill go into it terrified (not showing it, all mental) and the rest of the night can go either way, good or bad for me. but good and bad for me are also more subjective on how I feel the night went versus how it actually was (and more often than not the night went fine but i thought it was bad for me for whatever self-hating reason my brain does that i dont understand why)

06-05-14, 10:32 PM
Yes, I've done this in my life and felt awful about myself. I don't call it flaking out, though. I think a lot of it has to do with getting started on a task, which is very hard for us ADD types.

06-08-14, 01:21 PM
I flaked today. 3rd time in a row - MUST talk to doc' about anxiety med's :mad: :( :mad:
Oh, me . . .

TK - you found a solution other than drugs (PLEASE don't say mindfulenss) ?

06-08-14, 01:43 PM
I can be a flake tho I try not to.

06-08-14, 01:54 PM
if I feel even the least bit anxiety about social situations, I flake... I don't always realize that's why, but looking back at things, that always seems to stick out to me.

06-08-14, 03:25 PM
Sometimes I flake on things. Usually it is an energy thing- some days I just don't have it in me to go into a social situation. Also I am bad to put off making the decision till the last minute, then flake.

I seem to be in a better period at the moment, though. I haven't flaked in a while. I wanted to go to my nephew's wedding last year, though, and didn't make it. It was 7 hours away by car, and I would have been on my own with my 10 YO and my 3 YO- I just couldn't.

06-11-14, 11:01 AM
I've never actually expressed the small things I worry so much about to another person and have them understand before. :) I'd chalk it up to anxiety, but it doesn't feel like anxiety. I get physical anxiety feelings when I'm worrying about something, but the flakiness doesn't seem to have anything physical attached to it. It just feels like my brain quits.

Yup yup yup! And then I get a jolt of excitement about the free'd up time I have, get a million +1 ideas of things to do, begin doing said things, and then instantly feel overwhelmingly looser-ish and unsatisfied. The following days I realize just how terrible and destructive of a move it was. At that point my instincts kick in and I start planning for going out to the next event. Then the cycle starts over again, a completely "concrete" cycle that is continuous and absolute. :doh:

06-11-14, 02:13 PM
Thanks Nibs, that was articulated .. Wow !